Have I become so intellectually mature, so high brow, so classy that I no longer understand the freaks of the world? Because I used to, you know. I spent a lifetime studying and communing with freaks. Now, more and more, you baffle me, Freaks.

As I've mentioned before, my greatest source for freak watching is via my Statcounter page. I check my "recent searches" from time to time, copy down the utterly bizarre shit I see there, and save it for a later date, when I have more time to rant and rave about the lunacy in the world. So some of the searches I'm about to reference here are old, but rest assured, they did at one time appear in my stats.

Today's first Freak of the Day is the chap who found me by doing a Google search for Nude Pilgrim Pic. Don't get me wrong--I totally understand the appeal of the nude pilgrim. Who doesn't love a nude pilgrim? I'd be crazy to sit here and try to pretend that's not something each and every one of us daydreams about 364 days out of the year--in church, at work, you name it. The flaw, though, is in trying to search the internet for a picture of a nude pilgrim because...well, do I have to explain it? Without the standard-issue pilgrim garb, there's no way to identify a nude person in a photograph as a pilgrim. So my recommendation to you, sir, is to just look at a nude picture of Carmen Electra and simply pretend there's a discarded pilgrim outfit just out of the frame of the photo. And maybe a couple of ears of corn and an angry Indian, too, just to make it more real.

Freak of the Day #2 somehow found me via a Google search for I like catheterizing myself. Again--who am I to judge? While I've never tried it, I'm willing to accept the possibility that self-catheterization can be big, big fun, an endless source of giggles. And it's not a bad idea to cultivate the skill of quickly and easily inserting a small tube into one's wee-wee, because you never know--one day you may find yourself badly mangled in a tractor collision, forevermore unable to hoist yourself upon a potty. It never hurts to have a few basic nursing skills under your belt, and if you happen to enjoy them--well, that's not a crime. So g'head--ram a tube in there sideways, for all I care. Just stay the hell away from my blog.

The final Freak of the Day hails from Canada, and connected with me by way of a Google.ca search for especially when the mutton is nice and lean. This one, I'm afraid I can't condone in any way. While I'm not a member of PETA, I do believe animals have certain rights--yes, even the sexually alluring ones like sheep and wolverines. Some of you guys have a hard time finding a woman--I get that. And it may be frustrating that it's so much harder to find a thin, attractive girl than it is to find a drunk chick who's built like a linebacker. If you like your dates petite, it may indeed be tempting to trade up the 280-pound loudmouth you're secretly banging for the quiet, demure, 75-pound sheep you think has been giving you the eye, and maybe that's the way things are done in Nova Scotia, but not here in the the United States, buster. Here, we believe in slaughtering animals and eating them, not tethering them to a fencepost and treating them like hookers in heavy wool coats . So put it back in your pants, and don't ever stop by my blog again.

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