Tuesday, May 08, 2007

But then again, without freaks my readership would be about 4

Have I become so intellectually mature, so high brow, so classy that I no longer understand the freaks of the world? Because I used to, you know. I spent a lifetime studying and communing with freaks. Now, more and more, you baffle me, Freaks.

As I've mentioned before, my greatest source for freak watching is via my Statcounter page. I check my "recent searches" from time to time, copy down the utterly bizarre shit I see there, and save it for a later date, when I have more time to rant and rave about the lunacy in the world. So some of the searches I'm about to reference here are old, but rest assured, they did at one time appear in my stats.

Today's first Freak of the Day is the chap who found me by doing a Google search for Nude Pilgrim Pic. Don't get me wrong--I totally understand the appeal of the nude pilgrim. Who doesn't love a nude pilgrim? I'd be crazy to sit here and try to pretend that's not something each and every one of us daydreams about 364 days out of the year--in church, at work, you name it. The flaw, though, is in trying to search the internet for a picture of a nude pilgrim because...well, do I have to explain it? Without the standard-issue pilgrim garb, there's no way to identify a nude person in a photograph as a pilgrim. So my recommendation to you, sir, is to just look at a nude picture of Carmen Electra and simply pretend there's a discarded pilgrim outfit just out of the frame of the photo. And maybe a couple of ears of corn and an angry Indian, too, just to make it more real.

Freak of the Day #2 somehow found me via a Google search for I like catheterizing myself. Again--who am I to judge? While I've never tried it, I'm willing to accept the possibility that self-catheterization can be big, big fun, an endless source of giggles. And it's not a bad idea to cultivate the skill of quickly and easily inserting a small tube into one's wee-wee, because you never know--one day you may find yourself badly mangled in a tractor collision, forevermore unable to hoist yourself upon a potty. It never hurts to have a few basic nursing skills under your belt, and if you happen to enjoy them--well, that's not a crime. So g'head--ram a tube in there sideways, for all I care. Just stay the hell away from my blog.

The final Freak of the Day hails from Canada, and connected with me by way of a Google.ca search for especially when the mutton is nice and lean. This one, I'm afraid I can't condone in any way. While I'm not a member of PETA, I do believe animals have certain rights--yes, even the sexually alluring ones like sheep and wolverines. Some of you guys have a hard time finding a woman--I get that. And it may be frustrating that it's so much harder to find a thin, attractive girl than it is to find a drunk chick who's built like a linebacker. If you like your dates petite, it may indeed be tempting to trade up the 280-pound loudmouth you're secretly banging for the quiet, demure, 75-pound sheep you think has been giving you the eye, and maybe that's the way things are done in Nova Scotia, but not here in the the United States, buster. Here, we believe in slaughtering animals and eating them, not tethering them to a fencepost and treating them like hookers in heavy wool coats . So put it back in your pants, and don't ever stop by my blog again.

34 comments:

CommonWombat said...

The last one is a quote from "The Princess Bride," which you wouldn't get since, as you repeatedly insist on telling me, you are not a dork.

As for the nude pilgrim, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that pilgrim garb is not a requirement. If you showed me a photo of a nude man, with a butter churn in one hand, and the Magna Carta in the other, standing on the grassy shore with a wooden 3-mast schooner anchored in the background, mercilessly laughing while he savagely ass-raped a Native American, I believe I could correctly identify that man as a pilgrim. Especially if he had a tattoo on his penis that said "Plymouth Cock."

karla said...

Interesting how differently our minds work. I assumed a person searching for "nude pilgrim" would be looking for a hot female, but you immediately assumed the person was looking for an ass-raping man. You, sir, are today's fourth Freak of the Day.

fatwonkkid said...

now here is the interesting part, why is it that any of these search items brought a hit to your blawg?

in regards to the nice and lean mutton, i was thinking it might have to do with eating the animal. Like how to tell if the meat is nice and lean...???

Patti said...

(this comment left blank due to author choking on not-nice, not-lean mutton)

honeykbee said...

I hear that The Catheterizer is a being considered for a role as a villian in Spiderman 4.

miss kendra said...

hehehe plymouth cock.

anonymouscoworker said...

I was the one searching for the nude pilgrim.

And the catheter thing.

Does it make more sense to see them together like that?

Spaceman Spiff said...

I made a comment some time back (long time ago) that included the line about the mutton being nice and lean, which Wombat correctly identified as being from "The Princess Bride" (go Wombat, good to see you're back from Mexico). So, I am indirectly responsible for that freak finding your blog. Glad I could, in some small way, contribute to the babble and your insanity.

In an effort to bring even more freaks to your blog, I submit this random act of quotation for your future enjoyment.

"This is Bob. He got some natural male enhancement and is now enjoying some well earned respect around the neighborhood"

Ok, so it is more of a paraphrase. Since Dyckerson already knows where your blog is, it won't be bringing him in, but it might bring in some possible friends for him.

Jessica said...

I love this stuff, too...

Someone recently found me via a search for "I love my smelly pussy".

I laughed out loud and then went, "Hey! Wait a minute..."

CommonWombat said...

Jessica, that was me, and I believe I was searching for "I smell my lovely pussy."

CommonWombat said...

I'm going to take a cue from SpacemanSpiff and offer you a few more phrases that I guarantee will now show up as searches on your StatCounter page:

Karlababble is not lackin' any meat, and that's what real women need.

This site is packed to the gills with naked, lactating teens!

I never knew I could fit so many pickles up my ass!

The best part is the 5-monster Godzilla Orgy!

Here are some handy tips on packing as many Mexicans as possible behind the dashboard of an 85 Chevy van.

Click here for pictures of Paris Hilton shitting into Nicole Ritchie's mouth!

Free butt plug with every purchase!

Okay, I see my work here is done. You're welcome.

Effortlessly Average said...

I can't wait to read how Wombat's comments tickle your statcounter. lol.

Still, the only thing worse than having your blog appear on a search for bestiality is to not have your blog appear on any searches at all, since that would make you ME; an none of us wants that since I've got a hunch you've got a way nicer rack than me.

tfg said...

Hey, look, you tricked Wombat into blogging again.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You were funnier before you got pregnant. I think the baby batter did something to your funny bone.

karla said...

TFG: Great! Now if I could just trick him into bathing, life would be great.

Dyckerson: That's a fair criticism, and I agree. Life in general is funnier when you're not carrying around an obscene disproportion of weight between your breastbone and your pelvic bone.

That said, I'm still waiting for some kind of life event to happen to you to make YOU funny.

Scary Monster said...

"The best part is the 5-monster Godzilla Orgy"
Might get you to my place.

Did any of the freaks leave a comment about you being lean and mutton like?
You could always dress up for us as a pilgrim- with a strap on of course.

Stacie said...

So you're saying you're not going to dress up like a naked pilgrim then? Or would that be undress...
nevermind.
Stacie

Nocturnal said...

IC things are still alive and kicking in KBLand.

Patti said...

between the orgies, strap ons, butt plugs and general ass-rapery going on around here I'm not so sure it's safe for any of us...

not that it ever was, but some of us are more virginal and believed a woman with a baby couldn't be THAT bad.

god save us.

Jules said...

The Princess Bride is the best movie ev-ah.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ouch! You're cranky when you're pregnant!

{illyria} said...

i'm comforted by the thought that at least I get to control the kinds of freaks who do read my site.

Johnny Virgil said...

Those are pretty tame compared to some of the weird shit that leads people to my site.

CommonWombat said...

Dyckerson: Really? I find her to be just as cranky and unpleasant no matter what the occupancy of her womb happens to be.

Spaceman Spiff said...

Normally, this wouldn't be the case, but all this talk about "occupying" Karla's womb is starting to make me a little queesy. . . . or it could be the 6 Krispy Creme donuts I just ate. . . . yea, definately the donuts. {burp}

andy said...

I know you think I"m just stalking you and trying to sound cool, but I swear to allah that I tons of searches for catheterizing. Tons. 4 yesterday. How does this happen?

also, I get a lot of "Little Pregnant Midgets." FYI.

puerileuwaite said...

A naked Pilgrim like THAT would not only stop me from shamelessly sharing my ear of corn and thick, juicy mutton with the Indians; it would inspire Thanksgiving (and stuffing of the turkey) fortnightly.

undercover celebrity said...

the real problem here is... why when these people type these depraved phrases into a search engine, are they winding up at your site? Hmmmm....?

tfg said...

I find her to be just as cranky and unpleasant no matter what the occupancy of her womb happens to be.

I've found the same thing, despite what the NO VACANCY light says.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lord help me, I loves womb jokes!

What do you call it when a dame is pregnant with octuplets?
--Standing Womb Only

Legaleagle said...

"Today's first Freak of the Day is the chap who found me by doing a Google search for Nude Pilgrim Pic"

Tell them to leave your early twenties out of it.

Lyvvie said...

Hooray you're pregnant!! I've been away for far too long - seems like only yesterday you were sticking your newborn in the washing machine and underwear drawers!

As much as I'd love another sproglet of my own, I can still say: better than you than me. Aw hell! In Texas heat too? Damn, you're brave.

Beakerz said...

can i start the chant of: we want a new entry...we want a new entry =)

=)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

She had a new "entry" about four months ago. How do you think she got pregnant?