Sunday, April 13, 2008

Count your blessings.

You think your life is tough? Ha. MY life is tough. So tough that a lily-livered sissy like you wouldn't last a minute in my world. Here are some examples of the kind of soul-crushing hardship I go through every day:

1.) I have recently gotten hooked on some excellent lipstick. This stuff is awesome--it wears really well, it comes in a whole host of beautiful colors, and there's a pretty shine to the finish. That's the good news. The bad news? It's from Avon. Now, normally I keep a respectable distance away from Avon products, but I take my makeup recommendations from Paula Begoun, who does nothing but try on makeup for a living and report whether it's good or not. Before I discovered Paula, I used to spend 3/4 of my annual income trying out beauty products that I ultimately discovered to be mediocre or crappy. Now I skip all the random speculation and just buy what she gives high ratings to. I was baffled when she said Avon Glazewear Lipstick was fabulous, but I'd trust this woman with my life, my life savings, and the secret of who my childrens' real fathers are. So I bought some from an Avon rep who happened to wander into my workplace...and now I've got a monkey on my back. I need more of this stuff--lots more--but the chick who sold it to me initially no longer sells Avon, and every single other person I've ever know to sell Avon looks like something that just shuffled off the set of a zombie movie. They frighten me. Often, they drive 30-year-old cars covered in bumper stickers, and wear the same shirt all week long. And yet, now I must find a way to stifle my fear and strike up a relationship with one of these people. This must be what it's like when a cheerleader gets hooked on crack and finds herself going to the worst part of town to score, willing to risk life and dignity to get her fix.

2.) I need a new workout bra, and all the workout bras I find in the stores seem to suck. They either provide no support whatsoever, or they're thickly padded for some weird reason. If you're a 34C and have any good workout bras, do me a favor and just send me yours.

3.) Common Wombat was schedule to make a trip here this month and stay at my house, but he cancelled it. That's not the bad news--that's excellent news. The bad part is that, in panicked preparation for his visit, I ripped up all the carpet in my home so that after he left it would be easier to clean up the urine. Now I'm staring at bare concrete, and all for no good reason. It's hard to know how to feel about this cancelled visit, since, on the one hand, my kids are definitely safer this way. But on the other hand, it just seems like I went to a lot of trouble for nothing. I was even planning on using the ripped-out carpet to roll his dead body up into for a hasty disposal at the local landfill at the end of his stay, but now I'll have to find another use for it.

Yes, my life is full of challenges these days, but never fear, I'll get through them. With your support, and convenience of the liquor store near my house, I will manage somehow, some way. If you see me out there one of the days, wandering the streets bra-less and sporting some very nice lipstick, struggling to drag a huge roll of carpet along behind me, please stop and offer me a ride.

26 comments:

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I sell Avon. Just tell me what you need and I'll hook you up.

Crazy MomCat said...

I completely agree with the sports bra comment. I'll have to keep an eye out here and see if anyone has any good recommendations.

Sassy Blondie said...

Try finding a good sports bra for 38DD...I feel your pain...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I haven't been by the page in a while. Was that your kid holding a turd?

As for the sports bra problem, might I suggest swimming or something lower impact, like drinking?

Shaken Mama said...

You know what rocks and can never be found? The rare sports bra that zips up yhe middle front. When I wore mine out I held a funeral for it.

And does your hair get stuck in that lipstick? If not then I need to give it a try. All the sticky lipstick out there makes me wants to slick my hair like a Robert Palmer video chick.

Lyvvie said...

Kahla (Pity the Yankee for she has no Rs) you can buy Avon products online, in secret, anonymouslike.

Sport bras are so important if you don't want your tits bouncing off your kneecaps in a few years! For your size you should get by just fine with the shock absorber brand - expensive I know but very good. You really do want the bulletproof sort because no bounce is best. I use Enell bras, but I don't know if they do a C cup. They've lasted two years and are still like new. Amazing bras.

I'd wear Avon, but I hate the perfumes they use. they smell like powdered up old ladies. Does glazewear not smell like Grannies in the home?

Tillie said...

Nike has sports bras with adjustable shoulder straps - they are fabulous!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU LUCKY BABBLER!! I just so happen to have a wide assortment of brazzieres at my disposal. Send me a few photos and I'll see what I can do...

drowninginlaundry said...

I totally am with you with the Glazewear. Shit is the bomb. As far as sports bras, I don't do exercise, alas I need an ass bra when I put on a dress.

marky said...

i like all this bra talk...

nita said...

few things

a. you make me laugh my ass off. i'm mexican. it doesn't take long. but still

1. no lie. i know an avon salechick. wanna link up?!

2. just hold them. or ask someone else to. makes the whole exercising thing more fun, anyway.

x. does avon still smell like roadkill?

#. try yves st laurent touche eclat. no lie - it could cover chris noth's under-eye boxcars. i love him, but still....

karla said...

Sassy blondie: No wonder Dyckerson loves you.

Lyvvie: No, Glazewear doesn't smell like old ladies; it rocks. You must try it. Buy some from The [Cherry] Ride. And tell him to stop putting brackets in his blogger name.

drowninginlaundry: ASS BRA! I love it! Watch out, though--Dyckerson may start stalking you.

Nita: I just plain love you.

Anonymous said...

Karla,
Glazeware is on sale on the Avon website now for $3.00 each (cheap and little interaction). I just bought some off your recommendation, so this better be good shit.

Leslie said...

Hey - just found your site - funny! I saw what you posted on Flotsam about your co-workers being offended by your March of Dimes posters and I just wanted to say I am so with you! I volunteer for MOD too and I can't believe that some folks won't support them because they supposedly do animal testing. Boo F'n Hoo!

And another thing - Avon Glazewear is the bomb! My MIL sells it too.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Sure, but the carpet has to walk.

jessica said...

I think Avon should send you a crate of that Glazewear. I'm about to buy some, myself. You make it sound like the best stuff since flavored lip gloss.

Plexus said...

It's really, really, really hard holding a break-up conversation on the phone and reading your blog at the same time. Just thought you should know that.

As for the sports bras dilemma, there is no such thing as even a comfortable regular bra in a C cup. That's just how nature (huh-huh) stacked it. You get full boobs, you bounce. I know, I heard it from my former wife daily. Now if women actually designed the bras themselves, I believe you would have something.

Sudiegirl said...

You can also order Avon stuff from Amazon (or at least, you could once upon a time...)

kristie said...

i think i just shit my pants laughing at the phrase "ass bra"

and if i did, i'll be sure to take a picture...

Ben said...

"Wearing sports bras during workouts is a first class tickets to Hell." - God

I'm sure it's somewhere in the bible.

Cheers

Jessica said...

Dear Karla - between this post and the last one, I can no longer keep my love for you a secret.

Marry me? Please.

/brandon\ said...

are you still looking for bras? i think i can get you a discount with that new job i'm working. how are your immunization updates? some of these have three cups and a hanging 8 ball tied to a leather strap, so you might want to stick to the treadmill.

honeykbee said...

Two words: Champion Powersleek. And not just because Tyra Banks told me to.

e6s4life said...

Hey All! I'm the rep that just wandered in. Though I no longer sell AVON directly, the products can be purchased from my online mall. The link to AVON is right on the home page. There is the URL to the mall: Omni Mega Mall

Happy shopping girls!

Jana Rudisill - Crowley, TX USA

karla said...

Thanks, Jana! I miss you!

Janet said...

And there's the reason I never succumb to the smiling Avon ladies. If I buy something from them, the product will either EAT MY FACE, or, I will become addicted to it and then the Avon lady with disappear in a cloud of glitter, never to be seen again, and I'm left banging my head against my mirror.