Monday, August 11, 2008

All the news you need

I have many wise and enlightening things to say today. Here they are, in order of thickness:

1) I'm hungry. Dieting would be fine if not for the irritating lack of food.

2) The city is resurfacing the streets throughout my neighborhood, which blows for a variety of reasons. If it's not the water getting shut off because some big yellow monster vehicle digs for gold in the wrong place, it's a sprinkler head getting broken when another big yellow monster vehicle drives into part of our yard. If it's not that, it's my car getting trapped in the garage while the street in the cul de sac turns into what looks like a huge platter of that sweet potato mush I keep seeing on my inlaws' table every Thanksgiving, or my car not being allowed back in the garage because they're making another batch of mush. Good thing I have a naturally sweet and patient disposition, or this, combined with the whole starvation thing, could make me cranky.

3) I may be hungry and my house may be surrounded by city workers who look like they just got released from prison, but at least I'm fashionably attired. Common Wombat, normally good for almost nothing at all, sent me a birthday gift which has what every birthday gift anyone ever receives should have on it: My face. Disregard the string you see hanging off the arm; Common Wombat has a strict policy of only supporting clothing companies who profit from the tears and sweat of enslaved 9-year old factory workers in Malaysia. It's lovely, isn't it? He drew the picture himself--proof of his schoolboy-like love for and adoration of me. I wasn't sure what that tiny word at the bottom meant, but he assures me it's just a fancy way to say "wonderful." At any rate, I like the shirt...although I'm a little creeped out by my suspicion that at this very moment, Wombat is wearing a shirt exactly like it.

4) While we're on the subject of Wombat and his addiction to stalking me, I should mention that Twitter is the high-tech equivalent of bathroom wall graffiti. Only, since you can access it from your phone, incredibly bored people like Wombat are scrawling all over the virtual Texaco men's room about 60 times a day. I think a lot of people use it to make witty comments or day-to-day observations. Wombat, on the other hand, just uses it as another of the 10 or 15 ways he has found to stalk me. I've said it before, but it bears repeating: If I ever go missing, please take a shovel and do a little investigative digging at any piles of freshly-turned earth you might see near the McDonald's by Wombat's house. I think he's crazy enough to kill and bury me, but I'm certain he's too lazy to go far from his favorite restaurant and all-day hangout to hide my remains.

That's all I have today. I'm off to my kitchen to stare angrily at my refrigerator.

22 comments:

Antonio said...

Damn, I was really hoping he just printed the image of you looking like the creature from Aliens on a tshirt.

CommonWombat said...

Antonio: I think I'll make THAT image my Christmas present, but it'll be printed on a g-string.

Like Brian needs MORE incentive not to go there.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Whoa back! When I last saw you, I didn't think you were stalkable.

Wait.....Maybe you're not.

Damn! You sure look good in that shirt. Bet you would look good out of it, too.

karla said...

Commonwombat: Make that an XXL g-string, please. I hate it when I get one that's too small.

Old Horsetail Snake: Hoooooold no there. Now you've got me thinking...did I just fall for the old "send a female blogger a t-shirt and maybe she'll post a picture of her chest on the web" scam? Damnit, that Wombat is one clever perv.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

1) You're always hungry? Does that mean you're "eating for two" again??

2) I wouldn't mind driving my big yellow monster into your sweet potato mush. I'll even let you fondle my cul de sac!

3) Nice shirt...but in a few years when gravity takes its toll, your "hair" is going to reach the ground.

4) I don't think Dingbat would bother burying you. As chubby as you are these days, he'd have to dig a hole 10 feet deep.

CommonWombat said...

I try and try to despise Dyckerson, and then he goes and says something like "I wouldn't mind driving my big yellow monster into your sweet potato mush" and I'm in love all over again.

karla said...

Wombat:

I'm so glad you found your soulmate in Dyckerson. And you're in luck! He's gay. Just check out his massive Don Henley music collection, if you don't believe me.

Mighty Dyckerson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU CHUNKY BABBLER!! Massive Don Henley collection?? I'm sure I have NO IDEA what you're talking about.

And leave Wombat alone! He obviously appreciates a good comment when he reads one! (BTW Wombat, I think I left my toothbrush at your place last night...)

~Tim said...

Clearly, your diet should include more food....

Maria said...

OMG! That whole twitter assessment is dead-on. DEAD ON!

Shaken Mama said...

What is MD's obsession with getting you knock up. And speaking of knockers, I have to profess a searing jealousy for your hooters. And you don't even have to nurse to get a rack like that. Bitch!

My boobs look like Dorothy's house landed on them.

p2 said...

I guess I owe Wombat $50 - I bet him he couldn't get you to show your rack again. Nice.

Sassy Blondie said...

If you really think you need to be on a diet, I just don't know what to say. Two kids and you haven't had to resort to mumus? What the hell kind of mutant are you???

Eat a sandwich already!

Knot said...

Nice rack.

Knot

delmer said...

Very cool shirt!

My city has dug up the sidewalks and streets. They started just after school let out. Since they begin work at 7 a.m., and seem to always be driving something in reverse so it "beep beep beeps" continually, I no longer have to set an alarm.

Ben said...

I too don't get all the hype behind Twitter. I think it's just a "cool" new thing that people can say they are a part of.

Cheers

Krissyface said...

I would have noticed the t-shirt, but I couldn't take my eyes off your rack, Karla. My A-cups are screaming with jealousy. Holy Boobs.

Benjamin Rubenstein said...

When I'm old and wrinkly I hope I'm half as cool as oldhorsetailsnake.

HeyJoe said...

I think you and the Wombat need to just get a room already. Satisfy this sick and twisted attraction once and for all like a couple of rabid badgers.

Shaken Mama said...

I linked to you in this post. Do not click on it if you've just eaten.

http://www.shakenmama.com/2008/08/i-win.html

kristie said...

with your mug shot printed on a t-shirt these days, you must be a celebrity! i'm heading over to amazon now so i can buy one and pretend i fill it out as nicely as you do.