Friday, June 01, 2007

You've got exactly two months to make me stinking rich

Crap.

Never in a million years did I dream that the cheap tactic I employed in my previous post would work. I claimed that I wasn't going to blog again until Common Shithead did, and I'll be honest with you--I thought that would free up my calendar into the next millennium. No way did I think that lazy oaf would drag himself away from his well-worn stack of kiddie porn and actually crap out a blog post. But he did, and so now it's incumbent upon me to do the same. Once again, that sack of fecal matter has screwed me over. Truth is, I didn't want to write anything. I'm in the final stages of that massive curse that is pregnancy, and all I feel like doing these days is laying uncomfortably on the couch shaking my fist at the sky and cursing God's name. Now I have to unclench my fist and write a blog post.

And to be honest, there's not much to talk about except pregnancy itself--which would bore the pants off of you. And the very last thing I want to imagine is any of you pants-less. You look bad enough with pants; I can only assume that without pants you look like an aging walrus with a bad skin condition. So I will avoid going into the specifics of pregnancy except to say this: Those squealing, airheaded wanna-be supermommies who gush enthusiastically about how beautiful and amazing pregnancy is, and repeatedly insist, "Oh, I loved being pregnant!" are lying whores who should be choked to death with a fistful of gigantic maternity panties. Pregnancy is like sex with Dyckerson: Even at its very best it's a fucking horror show, and the best you can hope for is that it passes by as quickly as possible so you can take a scalding hot shower and try to get back to your normal life, and try to drink enough to forget about the misery you've just endured.

Speaking of getting back to normal life, that's what's been on my mind lately. What will my life be like with not one but two children of Satan to chase after? Not wanting to put my kids in daycare causes a real dilemma--namely, it means I'll have to raise them, which doesn't exactly sound like a party for me, and can't be much good for them, either. However, if I were filthy rich instead of just filthy, I could hire a team of Nicaraguan nannies to raise them while I sunbathe by the pool and snort coke off the poolboy's ripped abs. The question is: How do I get rich in a matter of months?

The more unimaginative among you will suggest things like selling drugs or turning tricks--don't bother. I've tried those, and they're not as lucrative as movies and TV would lead you to believe. What I need are good, original suggestions that could actually work. Otherwise I'll have to fall back on Plan G, which involves beating up little old ladies and stealing their jewelry to pawn--which is fairly easy, sometimes fruitful work, but begs the question of where to leave the kids while I'm doing the beating. Even on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day" you can't bring the kiddies along when you know you might have to slice off a few ring fingers with a switchblade.

So put on your thinking caps--and for Christ's sake, your pants--and come up with some suggestions for how I could very quickly get shamefully rich so that I can hire some immigrants to love my children while I drink my liver into a hard, cold stone.

24 comments:

anonymouscoworker said...

You sell the baby. You make maybe 50 grand, plus you don't have to worry about it crawling off and chewing on an extension cord.

My "idea fee" is 10%, so just send me a check once the baby is in the hands of its new Eastern European family.

miss kendra said...

no no no. the clear answer, which will net you far more than acw's suggestion, is to sell the baby for PARTS.

CommonWombat said...

That's an awesome idea, Kendra. Karla, I'll give you a thousand bucks for a leg. I'll even let you pick which one.

In fact, I'll up my offer to $1200 if the leg has the taint attached.

Oop! I skeeved myself out again. I hate when that happens.

Stacie said...

If turning tricks didn't make you filthy rich, then you obviously weren't charging enough. Like I tell DH every night...Baby, you can't afford me...
When you up the price, it ups their curiosity..they'll pay anything to see just what it is they have to pay so much for. I'm not saying you have to deliver mind you...just up the price. They'll pay it at least once. They're men..they're not that smart. and luckily, there's enough of them stupid enough to pay any price at least once.
Stacie

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU HORNY BABBLER!! So exactly how often do you think about having sex with me? Come on, you can tell Dyckiepoo!!

And if you're looking to get rich stealing jewelry, may I suggest grave robbing? You get a little dirty, but the victims never try to fight back. Or so I'm told.

puerileuwaite said...

Hell, if rich folks will pay to go into space, why can't we borrow from "Fantastic Voyage" and bid to be members of the miniature sub team that performs your post-pregnancy tubal-ligation?

That way, everybody benefits. All I ask is that you keep any "giant eels" from coming in after us, and keep the exit clear until we get out.

Antonio said...

Of course, you can't get rich selling drugs. Trafficking is where the money is.

Crazy MomCat said...

I hear that Nieman's Last Call is looking for wee ones to help hand stitch tacky beaded jeans and nasty frocks for the "old money" in the big D. They don't require them to walk or even be potty trained, as the smell of poopy diaper will not offend the 750 other babies who can't yet talk but can cross stitch better than any Granny. How they get them to stitch, I'll never know. Maybe Kathy Lee Gifford could tell us?

So, go ahead and put that unborn chitlin to work just as soon as you pop it out. I say it's time for mama to put her feet up and live off the fruits of her labor.

tfg said...

Karla, you have a real way with words. That's the first time that I've heard anyone refer to drydocking submarines as "turning tricks."

andy said...

Dude, Professional Badminton. I've seen it, and it can't be that hard.

~Tim said...

Some people wear pants when they go online? Really?

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

I know some people that are pretty sick of some of their family. Maybe Bulldog could help you earn a few extra bucks. Depending on the day and just how fucking pissed she is at that moment...

You have some rather odd characters on this site, maybe you could make a list of the internet's most popular freaks and sell it to us...

I know for a fact that the selling the baby parts would work. I'm in need of a personality...I would pay big bucks for the right one..

Sudiegirl said...

Amway? (keep in mind they don't actually CALL it Amway anymore because everyone's caught on to that trick...)

i'm not sure about selling the baby for parts...you get into that whole "freshness date" thing and dry ice gets really expensive.

tmz_99 said...

sell lemonade, and when it expires sell it as grapefruit juice... %100 profit, no loss.. just make sure you make gigalitres of it :)

Gucci Muse said...

Pimp out your internet boys into conjugal visits at a San Fran area prison.

honeykbee said...

I find that I often produce some of my best works with clenched fist. But I digress.

Did you know that people get paid to bowl? Yeah there's an actual "professional" bowling league and everything. Maybe try that? Or, if the whole unclenching thing takes, perhaps consider dealing blackjack? I bet casinos have great daycare facilities.

Always here to help.

TexasGal said...

Well, not really a suggestion on how to get rich..but if you move to Singapore the domestic help here is cheap. You can get a live-in-full time "domestic helper" for about $600 a month. However then you have to watch out for what I call "the maid that got a raise". These are the filipino girls you see walking around town with the rich, older (usually disgusting) caucasian men. Unless you don't mind your husband having some extra cirricular activities.

Patti said...

Yes, I'll admit, it's far too easy for most of us to automatically assume you're good at sex just because you've gotten knocked up. Oh and because of all the dudes who frequent this site, trailing your scent and pretending to be literate. I mean, it definitely makes you look like a very credible, if not slightly drug-addled, wife-for-a-night. But the truth is: if you were really that good at sex you would've been able to dodge those sperms. And lady, you didn’t just fail at that once, but twice.Clearly, this should not be something you do (anymore) for money.

So, with sex ruled out, let me also note this: If you can consume an illegal substance the size of your fist in under a minute like some of the other people here have said, well then, you'll never make a profit at dealing. You'll be like a porn addict who works in an adult video store...where do you think his paycheck goes?

Okay so back to things you might actually be good at.

Since you've got no other choice but to finish out your sentence, it’s time to start analyzing those things within arm's reach that are just begging to be exploited. Namely that first kid of yours. What's his name? Buckbeak? Leonard? Marlboro Red? Get that boy out there and earning his keep! Tell him his Pampers-privileges will be revoked once the new, better child emerges. See if you can get him into a sweatshop or maybe, if he's still cute, see if Angelina Jolie is looking into going white for awhile. Maybe if you told her he was albino she'd consider it. Once Mommy Moneybags takes him and renames him "Latex" or something, the money will just pour in.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The hell with that. I've got everybody working for me, for they all know I need to get rich pretty soon for my reincarnation fund. So go peddle your papers on the grocery store's bulletin board.

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

Patti: Once I picked myself up off the floor, I must say. Your comment is the funniest thing I've read on the net in a while.

Now that Karla is sort of slacking off, I'll be popping over to stalk you if your site is as funny as your comment...

Nocturnal said...

Madam KB, that has a ring to it. Open up a call girl service with your big-coned friends.

Patti said...

It's not Ms. Shoe. Sorry but my site is for my kids to read so I have to actually restrain myself somewhat whereas I feel perfectly free to spew all manner of perversities on Karla's neglected site.

God if she doesn't come back soon and regularly I'm going through her archives

Tyler Durden said...

One post in two weeks does not help my boredom meet your babble nearly enough as I was hoping. I hope your pregnancy is going well.

puerileuwaite said...

When you DO come out with a new post, I'm going to pounce on it with my Pug-like reflexes.