Tuesday, June 26, 2007

At least the vomiting gives me something to look forward to

Aw, shucks.

It's sweet of some of you guys to encourage me to post again. I even loosely consider it sweet when others of you call me unflattering names and harp at me to get off my "lazy ass" and write something to entertain you. As for those of you who haven't contacted me at all in my blog posting absence, well, I think you're the sweetest of all, because I could ask for no better gift than to, at least temporarily, forget you pricks exist.

And I wish I had an abundance of time to lounge around in my jammies in front of my computer, industriously scheming up ways to amuse you with the written word, but there are so many hours a day, and almost all of them are occupied right now. A breakdown of my average day:

7:30 AM - Noon: Complain about how uncomfortable I am.
Noon - 3 PM: Stare at my misshappen form in the mirror and sob uncontrollably.
3 PM - 6 PM: Scheme ways to go into preterm labor.
6 PM - 9:30 PM: Draw up elaborate charts and graphs detailing the various types of alcohol I will consume after the baby is born.
9:30 PM - 11:30 PM: Curse God.
11:30 PM - 7:30 AM: Go to bed and catnap in between hourly trips to the bathroom, during which time I continue to curse God.

As you can see, that's a tight schedule, and leaves little room for horseplay. I wish I could help you, but until I eject this parasite from my poor, beleaguered body, I just don't see how I can find the time. And, truth be told, once the child is born, I expect my first few weeks to be consumed with a combination of compulsive vomiting and self-starvation until I can approach something close to my pre-baby weight. After that, if history is any guide, there will be the traditional string of investigations by Child Protective Services brought on by neighbors' and family members' complaints...man, I'm getting tired just thinking about it. It's true what they say: Motherhood is a lot of work. But obviously it does have its rewards--and by that I mean that it's so much easier to shoplift liquor if you have a stroller to stash it in. So things will all work out.

Now scram, and let me get back to my busy day. It's 1:30 PM, and I've taken time out of sobbing uncontrollably while staring at myself in the mirror so that I could write this blog post. I hope you're happy--this is going to push my whole schedule back.


soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Aww, here's wishing you a happy pre-term labor (you know... free from digestive, lung and liver problems, jaundice, Respiratory Distress Syndrome and all the other ailments that come along with a preemie). Hope your feeling better Karla!

Antonio said...

Hang in there! I can only imagine how hard the last few months are! (fortunately that's all I ever do)

And I know you could never forget me, no matter how much post-natal booze you consume.

Jay said...

How on Earth do you find the time for all of that, plus make the necessary preparations for the birth of Damien? You truly are an amazing woman.

Erica Kain said...

The further I got in my pregnancy with Chebbles, the more totally reasonable-sounding justifications for alcohol consumption I cooked up. Perhaps they would assist you?
* "If you drink Guinness, it has vitamin B in it, which is good for babies."
* "The Germans have a special beer JUST FOR PREGNANT LADIES! Prost!"
* "If it doesn't have a birth defect already, I'm not going to be able to give it one NOW."
* "Everyone ELSE is drinking."
* "Oh, and if you have a problem with it, Hub-D, perhaps you shouldn't have gotten be pregnant in the fall, thus necessitating a third trimester in the heat of summer."

dizzy von damn! said...

your day sounds suspiciously like mine, except replace "pre term labor" with "infinite riches," and "baby is born" with "my boss turns around.

Mighty Dyckerson said...


You're still able to fit into jammies? At this point, I figured you'd be wrapped in a giant tarp.

puerileuwaite said...

I can only hope that horseplay wasn't THE contributing factor toward your present condition. You see, OUTSIDE of Texas it's actually FOREPLAY that is the preferred method, Caligula - er - Karla.

Hale McKay said...

Now I don't feel so bad for not dropping by in such a long time.

Even though I'm probably not welcome, and my comments might not be appreciated, may I at least say "Congratulations and say that I think you will be a wonderful mother?"

I will anyway!

Sassy Blondie said...

Here's hoping the bad seed shoots out soon. And that stroller idea...thanks!

Anonymous said...

"Noon - 3 PM: Stare at my misshappen form in the mirror and sob uncontrollably."

Hey, at least your cones are bigger.

Cheers KB

mist1 said...

I sped my days much the same way. Minus the preterm labor stuff. Maybe I'm pregnant.

mindy said...

this makes me want to have another one.

CommonWombat said...

Oddly enough, I spend my days IMAGINING your misshapen form and sobbing uncontrollably.

But then I stop imagining the face part of your misshapen form, and the sobbing stops.

Patti said...

Gawd! I sure hope you're at least one of those pretty, glowing pregnant women because you're attitude SUCKS!

On a side note: I've heard from a friend of a friend whose former sister-in-law's first boss' step-son's ex-girlfriend's father who turned drug-informant after his last cocaine binge left him minus half a lung and sporting a nasty case of collitis, that these kid-type-things are also good at stashing various illegal substances within the lining of their diapers! The wee-little revoltingly squishy geniuses!

Well, I call that good news...for you especially! No need to write back right away though. I'm very good at keeping track of who owes me.

Good luck with getting your girlish form back. If it's any consolation, most drunks don't care what size you are.


Spaceman Spiff said...

I think Wombat just threatened to kill you Karla. He is fantasizing about cutting your face off a la LeatherFace in Texas Chainsaw Masacre style. So there you go, I think I remember an old post asking for that, right? He even got the state right.

tfg said...

You've abstained from alcohol completely for the duration of your pregnancy? I find that hard to believe, considering your known propensity for blowing Bacardi 151 fireballs from your hoohaa.

karla said...

Soapbox Superstar: I've already got liver problems and jaundice. My doctor says it has something to do with excessive alcohol intake since preschool. Oh wait, are you talking about the baby?

puerileuwaite: I try to combine horses and foreplay whenever possible, which has gotten me banned from several stables.

sassy blondie: That's so weird--it's like you can see into my home or something. I HAVE had some seeds shooting out, off and on for about a year and a half. It was creepy at first, but I've gotten used to it.

tfg: Of course I abstain from alcohol while pregnant--the doctor says to, and I follow his orders to the letter. Luckily for me, he hasn't once mentioned anything about not being able to do cocaine or cat tranquilizer while pregnant, so I still have something to fall back on.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Sapphire? Wasn't that a character on the Fred Allen Show? Amos 'n' Andy? One of those.

And I never heard of an about to be born baby called a parasite. But damned if that ain't right.

Jenny! said...

I just hate being pregnant and having it interupt my drinking! Jeez! The stroller also works at the grocery store and book store!

Unknown said...

that poor unborn child.

Effortlessly Average said...

Um, 'scuse me, but isn't "horseplay" what got you your mis-shapen body in the first place?