It's sweet of some of you guys to encourage me to post again. I even loosely consider it sweet when others of you call me unflattering names and harp at me to get off my "lazy ass" and write something to entertain you. As for those of you who haven't contacted me at all in my blog posting absence, well, I think you're the sweetest of all, because I could ask for no better gift than to, at least temporarily, forget you pricks exist.
And I wish I had an abundance of time to lounge around in my jammies in front of my computer, industriously scheming up ways to amuse you with the written word, but there are so many hours a day, and almost all of them are occupied right now. A breakdown of my average day:
7:30 AM - Noon: Complain about how uncomfortable I am.
Noon - 3 PM: Stare at my misshappen form in the mirror and sob uncontrollably.
3 PM - 6 PM: Scheme ways to go into preterm labor.
6 PM - 9:30 PM: Draw up elaborate charts and graphs detailing the various types of alcohol I will consume after the baby is born.
9:30 PM - 11:30 PM: Curse God.
11:30 PM - 7:30 AM: Go to bed and catnap in between hourly trips to the bathroom, during which time I continue to curse God.
As you can see, that's a tight schedule, and leaves little room for horseplay. I wish I could help you, but until I eject this parasite from my poor, beleaguered body, I just don't see how I can find the time. And, truth be told, once the child is born, I expect my first few weeks to be consumed with a combination of compulsive vomiting and self-starvation until I can approach something close to my pre-baby weight. After that, if history is any guide, there will be the traditional string of investigations by Child Protective Services brought on by neighbors' and family members' complaints...man, I'm getting tired just thinking about it. It's true what they say: Motherhood is a lot of work. But obviously it does have its rewards--and by that I mean that it's so much easier to shoplift liquor if you have a stroller to stash it in. So things will all work out.
Now scram, and let me get back to my busy day. It's 1:30 PM, and I've taken time out of sobbing uncontrollably while staring at myself in the mirror so that I could write this blog post. I hope you're happy--this is going to push my whole schedule back.