Saturday, July 07, 2007

A heartfelt saga of friendship, sorrow and anal rape

Normally I'm incredibly picky about what I read. It has to have just the right kind of content and just the right writing style or I abandon it somewhere around the third paragraph. A lot of research goes into choosing a book to read--I spend time on Amazon.com using the "Look Inside" utility to read a few pages and see if it's to my liking, and I read the plot outline and few reader comments--then, if it sounds good to me, I go to half.com and order it. I try to keep about 5 such carefully chosen books on hand at all times so that I never have to settle for just any old crappy book when I'm desperate for something to read.

However, a long and unpleasant pregnancy can make you lower your standards for entertainment, and when I found myself with nothing to read during Month 7, I picked up The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I had heard good word-of-mouth about it, and a quick glance at the first paragraph didn't make me want to gouge my eyes out with a ten-penny nail, so I figured it was worth a shot.

If you suspect I'm about to launch into a scathing criticism of this book, I'm not, exactly. It's not a bad book--if you're an anal rape enthusiast. And hey, I'm as liberal-minded as the next guy, and so, sure, a modicum of anal rape can be quite lovely...but if you've ever heard of the concept of "too much of a good thing," you can see how it might apply to ass rape.

Let me recap this book for you, in case you:

a) don't have time to read it yourself, or

b) hear enough about ass rape in church and at the dinner table, and don't have room in your heart for any extra. In a nutshell, here's the book:

*Spoiler alert, genius.*
--------------------

Young male narrator lives in a supposedly perfectly lovely country that happens to be populated with a small faction of evil people. Young narrator has an pleasant childhood in which he spends his days at his rich father's estate, frolicking with his best (well, only) friend, the servant's son. Life is grand.

Suddenly, the small faction of evil people take over this supposedly perfectly lovely country, lightning-quick. Now, anal rape abounds, as well as copious random gunfire and bombing. This drastic change happens in a matter of about 14 seconds. The servant's son gets anally raped, and the young narrator shuns him, wanting no part of anyone who has become a boy toy for evil sodomites.

The crafty young narrator comes up with a scheme to get his father to banish the servant and his son, who wander off on their own to live in poverty amid the constant gunfire and bombing. One of the perpetrators of the servant boy's anal rape gets anally raped himself, then dies. Narrator and father flee the country and come to America in search of a quiet, rape-free life.

Narrator grows up with his be-hymen intact, and eventually returns to his country upon hearing that his childhood rape-victim friend and his wife have been killed by the evil people, leaving behind an orphaned son. Narrator searches the ruins of the now war-torn country for the boy, who, as it turns out, has been copiously anally raped for quite some time before the narrator manages to locate him in an impoverished hovel of an orphanage. In the process of recovering the boy, the narrator himself narrowly escapes being anally raped.

Narrator brings the boy home to raise, which you'd think would be the happy ending--yet the sad boy stops talking and never again speaks a word to anyone, so traumatized by the vicious rape and abuse he has suffered.

The end.

--------------------

There, I just saved you a few bucks; you're welcome.

After spending a few evenings reading this book, I was the one who felt raped. I want those hours back, and I also want back my faith in a world where civil unrest doesn't necessarily go hand-in-hand with vicious, forced sodomy.

Thank you, Khaled Hosseini, for bringing your strange, private obsession into my world. Now please put down that typewriter and get yourself a job as a prison guard.

48 comments:

Johnny Virgil said...

"Be-hymen" made me laugh. And also maybe you need to stop getting your word-of-mouth recommendations from the prison librarian.

warcrygirl said...

this book sounds like bad porn, only with gunfire and explosions. This is why I re-read my Harry Potter books over and over.

Hope you and your parasite feel better soon. I'll have a glass of cabernet in your honor. Also, my secret word is "xxoee" which is exactly the sound my brain would make if I end up preggers again.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU CRAZY BABBLER!!!

I just read a lovely book about kites. It's called The Ass Rapers. Check it out sometime.

puerileuwaite said...

Well at least it's behind you now.

But look on the bright side: if you HADN'T read that book and blogged about it, you wouldn't have inspired my newest invention!

Remember "The Club"? I just drew up a version that prevents anal rape. It's a simple key locking device that expands and grips into place (similar to how a toggle bolt works).

My tentative name for it is the "Anal Rape Escape". I just need a few backers.

Heck, I even have a snappy slogan that goes with it: "Don't bother getting behind me, Satan".

CommonWombat said...

I believe he's coming out with the sequel this summer. In this one everyone gets raped in the eyes.

He'll complete the trilogy in 2009 with a heartwarming tale about ear, nose and throat rape.

Hey, speaking of getting raped in the eyes, I was just looking at some pictures of you from my last trip to Texas.

tfg said...

Here in Baltimore, people pay damn good money for that sort of thing.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Sick, sick, sick. But thanks, Karla, for telling me how not to waste my time.

psquared said...

What was the last good thing you read?

At my church we don't talk about ass rape, just ass play and eating "salad"... no actual penetration.

It’s good to see you up and about even if it’s in your Johnny Cash wardrobe.

Nocturnal said...

Sounds like Catholicism at it's finest.

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Leslie said...

Thank you for the warning! That book was on my 'to be read' pile and now...it no longer is. Right out the door with this one.

I'm just glad I didn't spend any money on it.

blog Portland said...

This sounds like it could be Dyckerson's unauthorized biography, only with less anal rape.

Maja said...

Thanks for that karla, I'll avoid that book.

Sassy Blondie said...

I'm certainly glad to hear that I wasn't the only one that found that theme to be the prominant one in that book. It was a bit disturbing both because it continued to happen throughout the book and because the author seems fixated on it. AND I really hate books about children being abused in any way. I see enough of that in real life to last me.

Hope you are feeling somewhat decent these days.

Chebbles' Mama said...

Dude, what possessed you to read a book that so CLEARLY was going to center on anal rape???
The only tricky part about getting books to read while pregnant are finding ones that don't increase your pregnancy anxieties, which pretty much nixes everything on the NYT bestseller list.
HOWEVER, I can recommend these as SAFE and FREE from anal rape or horrid birth images:
* "Curious Incident of the Dog at Night-Time"
* "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro

Every other book (Yeah, Amy Tan, I'm talking about YOU) contains anal rape (Thanks for playing, Augusten Burroughs) or birth nightmares (comin' right back at ya, Edward P. "nothing good comes of pregnancy" Jones).

Hope this helps.

Stacie said...

Holy Crap. That was on my kids high school reading list for this summer! I have it on my shelf now, but I have yet to read it. I think it will stay there on my shelf. Thanks for the heads up. I'll make the kid get something else...
Stacie

karla said...

Chebbles Mama: That's the evil trick of this book--nowhere does the book jacket indicate that this will be a literary journey into the land of sodomy and honey. One ass rape occurs and you think "Hey, it happens." Then the second one occurs and you start to get suspicious. By the time the third one rolls around, you figure you're more than halfway done with the book and have invested too much time to let a little assplay frighten you off. It's a sick cycle.

La Boom said...

You promised you would never talk about that night in Montrose.

DBDP said...

I was forced to read that book by the fact that my mother would not stop nagging me until I opened the butt fucker. The narrator’s tone was so groveling and full of false flattery (I’ve been told that is Pashton social characteristic... although I have no idea if that is true) that I wanted to ass rape him. I stopped reading it at the point of first penetration. It seems I missed a lot of ass fuckery. Good to know.

Antonio said...

So the narrator, that dickhead who ruined the life of his childhood friend, never gets a proper comeuppance via anal rape? WTF!

Desiree said...

Wow - thanks for the warning and book review. Not going to buy that one!

TexasGal said...

After that post it would be funny to see what searches people will find your blog by. So what books do you recommend?

ThatGreenyFlower said...

That was the first book my book club (populated by very intelligent, well-read individuals, many of whom are published writers themselves...I am the lone loser who never minds bringing snacks) read. We ripped it to shreds and it felt SO GOOD. I liked that book until my brain turned on and then it made me crazy.

What else? "Oh, and I bought a house in San Fransisco, and then I wrote a book and it was published." Excuse me, Khaled, but I think I'm the one who's being b__f___ed right now!

Like your blog. Some dude up there before me says you can make money from it...

Anyway, hang in there with the pregnancy. I read 17 Tony Hillerman novels, all between the hours of 3 am and 5 am, when pregnant with #2.

Legaleagle said...

Now that I've gotten my share of ass rape, what's next on the Karlababble Book Club reading list?

Da Monkey Code said...

I hate to let all the expecting fans know but the real tragedy of the new Harry Potter os not about someone dying, it's really the number of children who get anal raped.

undercover celebrity said...

Really?! Must I be the lone voice of reason? I LOVED that book. No, not the rape -- but the overall story. And, dare I say that I learned something... again, not about rape -- but that the fine folks of Afghanistan were perfectly happy until the Soviets came along.

Anyway, I still love it. (no, not the rape) :)

Patti said...

wow...who knew that such a tale would leave me longing for the days when families were torn apart by simple things like poverty and cannon fire?

honeykbee said...

Finally I'll have something to add to the ass-rape dinner conversation. Thank you, Ms. Babble!!

pat said...

Dear Karla,

So it's been ages since I've checked up on blogs but you're still just as entertaining, if not slightly more jaded. But we can blame that on the quasi-sentient being who's eating all your food and kicking you in the pancreas all day.

Anyway, I just thought I should let you know that you -- yes YOU -- should be video blogging, not old-school textual blogging. In this day and age, there's absolutely no excuse to cave-man it like you're doing, what with the rampant existence of webcams and all. And besides, regular blogging is just so turn-of-the-century.

So here I am, trying to get you to throw off your scribal shackles and join the legions of youtubers. For better or for worse, you'll be able to actually interact with your viewers while being forced to confront their ugly mugs.

But if you insist on remaining in your outdated blogly domain, then just let me know. I'll be happy to send you some earthen pottery filled with pigments, with which you can decorate you walls with primitive pictures of bison and turkeys that looks suspiciously like handprints.

Sincerely,
Patrick

PS - And we can be YOUTUBE friends! Hopefully that's not too creepy. I was only going for moderately...

Patti said...

just curious....um, does Pat up above know that your day consists primarily of blaming your velcro-like farts on little Marlboro and screaming things like "HE'S SLEEPING WITH YOUR SISTER AND YOUR BROTHER, RETARD!" as you chug your Milwaukee's Best and stare glassy-eyed at the colorful blinking box in the corner each and every day from around lunch time until...oh, say, Dr. Phil comes on? (you sure do love your stories...)

My point is, nobody wants to watch that, let alone record it or save it or hell...run the risk of the impressionable youth of our nation (and others!) getting even moderately filtered access to such filth! For filth it surely is.

No, see Pat...your idea is horrific. I can just barely stand to read what she writes. If I had to look at her and, jesus... hear her snarling, gravelly voice made so insanely abrasive thru a lifetime of carefree pipe smoking (of both legal and not-so-legal substances)....well, I'm sure my soul would simply sink in upon itself and I would die (do you hear me Pat? DIE!).

So just take your mamby pamby opinions and rainbow scented dreams elsewhere!

p.s. I'm sure you're a delightful person...it's just that K-A-R-L-A is more than a little C-R-A-.....oh fuckit...she's nuttier than a squirrel turd Pat..that's what I'm saying!

Jenny! said...

I read that book a few months back...wish I read your post first...I liked it but did find the anal obsession a bit much...even for my tastes!

mist1 said...

I cried my eyes out when I read that book. I read it because my dad told me that he cried his eyes out when he read it.

His second book is out but, I needed a happy read for the beach, so I skipped it.

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mindy said...

i almost bought this book the other day. i'm glad i didn't.

Bostick said...

What the hell is wrong with you?

Bostick said...

Thanks for responding so quickly.

Gay wad.

Gimme a sec an I will reply.

I came here first.

came. hahaha@!@

Anna said...

Thanks for heads up, definitely avoiding that book. Just wondering what was this guy's inspiration for the title?

Not seeing the kite and sodomy connection at all. Maybe it is just me.

Book recommendation: Nineteen Minutes, by Jodi Picoult

Croaker said...

Wat to much sodomy to be one my reading list. I'll wait for the last Harry Potter book instead.

Jenni said...

Just when I thought anal rape had reached its peak in Best Selling literature and entertainment.

Crunchy BC said...

So, you're saying it's a love story?

Kiki said...

You're titles ALONE crack me up.

Spaceman Spiff said...

SO when are you supposed to eject the fetus and subject him or her to the bounty of maternal goodness that is sure to pour forth from you now that you have gotten all of the evil out of your system. Or is that the next kid that gets the goodness?

Linds said...

You should check out the Kushiel's Dart series by Jacqueline Carey. I've read them at least 3 times each, and they are so good. If you like fantasy novels with kinky sex, that is.

Hope everything is going well with your last 2 weeks of pregnancy, and everything goes smoothly when you pop, babe.

L.

Frances said...

I so hope Khaled reads this some how.
Sending blog love your way,
Frances

Anonymous said...

Wow, thanks for the ass's up. I've picked that book up several times and had not bought it, but had no clue about the secondary plot.
What's with the depressing books everywhere?
Be-hymen is priceless.

Miss Smack said...

I enjoyed the book and didn't think they focussed too much on the assault. I thought it was more about challenging social class levels and the relationship between a slave and the family he had to serve.

Because the narrator hadn't defending his friend when the assault happened, I saw the greater message of 'making peace' with the whole issue by rescuing his orphan son from probably another generation of assault and slavery.

Miss Smack said...

oh Anna, The kite reference is relating to the childhood game they would play before the pressures of 'social structure' and power came into play.

It was a game they played as a team and won over the other kids in the village.

Ange (formerly Writer Mom) said...

Eebs.

I hope you post this on Amazon reviews.
Was there ever a kite?