I see you there. Asking yourself, "Where can I go to hear more pearls of wisdom from Karla? Her blog, now that she's in the last miserable moments of pregnancy, is updated about as often as Common Wombat changes his dumpster-scavenged underwear. Isn't there someplace I can go on the web for more of Karla?"
You're in luck, my obviously bored, socially retarded friend. At the moment there is a place you can go to find a little more of me on the web. And no, it's not a pay site, like you're thinking--not this time. I quit doing those in the third grade, when I realized the real money is in black market babies.
No, I'm talking about this site, where, for reasons unknown to me, I was asked to do an interview. And there's some kind of voting going on there, although I have no idea why or what for. If you strain your eyes really hard, you can see a tiny little "thumbs up" and "thumbs down" symbol at the top of the post, where they mention the name of my site. I don't know what a hands-up means--if it means my lawyer has won me a stay of execution, if it means I'm STD-free, if it means I'm a "sure thing," etc. Likewise, I don't know what a hands-down means--if it means I've hit the wall, if it means I've turned state's evidence and am not to be trusted, if it means I have an unpleasant odor that can't be washed away with drugstore hygiene products, etc. So click or ignore the little mysterious hands, I don't care. I've never cared what you did or didn't do before, why should today be any different?
Now get off my blog and don't come back unless you have some advice for me regarding how to go into labor at will.
Crap, does that mean we have to read you twice in one day?
Finally a Childbirth Self Hypnosis that Really Works! As featured in Fit Pregnancy Magazine. Do you want to have an unmedicated natural childbirth but are scared of natural childbirth pain? Are you suspicious of childbirth self hypnosis programs that promise "pain free" natural childbirth? Are you ready to begin a childbirth self hypnosis and relaxation program that delivers what it promises?
You have just found a method for natural childbirth that really works -- the HypBirth Childbirth Self Hypnosis Program...80% of mothers who use the HypBirth Childbirth Self Hypnosis Program give birth in less than six hours!
That interview is chock full of lies. Ms. Babble gets three hits a day and spends 45 seconds writing each post.
Oh wait, that's me. Never mind.
I read on a reputable blog that Pop Rocks and Pepsi should generate the required propulsion.
Okay...I went and wrote nice, profanity-free things about you, Karla. Now where's my money?
Having the baby at will is not going to happen, but I cried and cried and cried until my doctor gave in and induced me 2 full weeks early. Just a thought.
Maybe a jog around the block would be the ticket.
OK listen, don't tell anyone else about this, but:
This is a ride in my hometown park called "The Kangaroo" and it coasts you up a hill, then dumps you unceremoniously at the bottom of it. Each time you go around it, your cervix dilates 1cm, even if you're not pregnant!
If that works, you can name your baby "Chebbles Babble"
Put on a tight girdle and squeeze, that should do the trick. Too cool re:your interview.rock star.
gawd fine, I read it. There better be money or drugs or porn by means of compensation though.
p.s. I bet you're HUGE.
Great interview, until the last answer -- people give a crap about my feet, Karla. And sometimes I'm bummed out I can't get the snacks I want -- better I express myself on the internet than kill all my cheap ass co-workers who refuse to get off the change in their pockets.
Ever think about that?!
While you pick on people -- I'm saving lives.
What you do, Karla, is you...uh....wait a minute! I should get paid for this. Soon's you send me cash, I will let you know all the secrets to pushing.
I've heard a spicy meal followed by sex can do it.
Sending good vibes your way.
Loved the interview,
Have you tried head first stair luging?
Raspberry leaf tea - causes uterine cramps, excellent. Other than that - sex is the best labour starter going, babe!
I keep peeking in hoping for a newborn picture - so I hope the misery comes to a happy end soon for everyone.
In my thoughts and prayers! (as are Wombat's dumpster diving knickers - thanks for that image)
You're currently in the Top 10 voted sites this month. Next month we're giving away cash and prizes...fun, yeah?
Happy Happy Birthday to the pair of you!
Heres some advice.
Don't clench your butthole when you are in labor or it will tear.
Cigars all around! Congratulations!
Lame....dude! The sudden (at least I hope it's not ongoing) interest in Karla's butthole is more than a little disturbing. Well, to me anyway. To everyone else I'm sure it's like asking if someone could please pass the salt only with more anus.
What can I say? I'm an innocent flower...
when you're induced, it's a pitocin ring ... sperm has pitocin which is why the old wive's tale holds water.
so, get those swollen ankles in the air and get two things done!
mostly, sending loving thoughts because the horror of childbearing is still with me. hahahahaha!
You'd find it easier to go into labor if you shut the fuck up and concentrated on popping that little un out instead of crossing your legs because you don't want your tight little pussy to stretch out and become a four lane highway.
Before you do though, bid a fond farewell to your social life for the next eighteen years.
Parenthood, ain't it great? Makes me wish I had three or four of my own.
Dang - going into labor at will. Hmmm...tough one. Making and frosting 15-dozen Christmas cookies from scratch did it for me, but then, it's too freakin' hot now to use an oven....
I like Jenny's answer best.
I know you are going to forget this, pregnat brains don't remember anything, BUT. When you get the urge to eat enough for a week, you can expect to go into labor in a few hours. Everyone I know who has gone into labor has eaten a village worth of food the meal before labor started. So, when you eat twice your normal pregnancy consumption of food, start thinking about popping that kid out. Then you can say that you brought it on through mental fortitude.
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