Friday, June 24, 2005

I can't hear you; there's pee in my ear.

I'm really glad Jake is four months old now, because at this age he no longer has a loaded gun in his diaper ready to go off at any moment. When he was younger, any time you took his diaper off you risked being hit with geyser. Actually, that's not true...usually he turned his powers for evil against himself. He would routinely unleash a stream of pee on his own face, and lay there looking completely unphased, as if to say, "So I've got pee on my face. Don't act like you've never been there." Diaper changes were all about speed, dexterity and preparation. Only a foolish, foolish individual would thoughtlessly remove Jake's diaper without first laying out all the tools necessary to complete the change in record time. Jake would lay there looking all innocent, as if to say, "Go ahead, take off the diaper. I'm done peeing for now." Then the split second the diaper came off, Mr. Peebody would turn on the waterworks. Once, I had to text message my husband at work to apprise him of the latest development: "Jake just peed in his ear." Then, about 2 hours later, a second text message: "Jake just peed in his other ear." Often the pee would somehow miss Jake's head and get on the sides of the basinette, calling for a quick linen change. We eventually learned the art of snatching off the diaper at superspeed, swiping the offending unit heedlessly with a Wet Wipe, and slapping on a fresh diaper, all with a sense of urgency befitting of calf ropers.

Don't think advancements aren't being made in the science of diaper changing, though. You can now order Pee-Pee TeePees to cap your baby's little hydrant with. Seems kind of silly to me; I think simple speed is the best solution to preventing your loved ones and your world from being soaked in urine. But I am thrilled to note that from about the age of 3 months or so, maybe sooner, Jake lost his passion for urinating on himself and his immediate surroundings.

I, however, still enjoy doing it myself.

10 comments:

Brooks said...

It is unfortunate that there's about an 80 year period between infancy and old age where it's considered uncouth to piss oneself. What's that all about?

Anonymous said...

Brandy said.......
I think brooks brings up a good point. What is all that about? So much work to come so far just to land back at peeing on yourself and not being able to take care of yourself. Seems all very wrong.

Kristina said...

Well, I say you go ahead and pee on yourself if you want to...you deserve it. Just don't follow your dear husband's precident and ...well, you know where this is going. Let's just leave it at that.

karla said...

Poor Brian. You get a little pee on someone and you spend the rest of your life living it down.

Jeremy Over There said...

Ok, I've found my new favorite blog. This is my second trip back and I usually can't stop laughing. It's nice to see you're putting your wit to paper (screen?) for others to enjoy. I feel like I'm being a mom vicariously through you, which may be a bit odd since I lack the proper organs

ccw said...

The joy of pee... my kids are both girls and I did not realize until I had the youngest that girls will also shoot pee when the diaper comes off. It does just get to be humorous. She peed on everyone and every thing we ever changed her on for months.

Mar said...

We have "wee" ones of about the same age. My youngest has just made it to 5 months. She never peed on me or herself, but she pukes a fair amount.

I also just started blogging. I am enjoying your blog and would link it to my site, but I haven't figured out how to reprogram the code yet. But, I still wanted to say hi, and that although you may not believe me, I am not actually a crazed stalker.

Mar

Carolyn said...

My son is seven months now, and thankfully has stopped the dreaded pee-as-soon-as-the-diaper-comes-off-phase. When he was younger (about 2 weeks old) I once went through seven outfits in one night because he just kept peeing through his diaper, or peeing on the clothes when I was trying to change him. Now if I could only get him to stop peeing as soon as I get him in the bath!

(I just realized that your blog has a lot of "peeing" in it! :)

Horsey said...

Lady you kill me! Such good shit -- hahahahahaha. Oh fuck it's hilarious.

- Horsey

http://horsecrack.blogspot.com/

Horsey said...

It's the title that's key. "I can't hear you there's pee in my ear."

Awesome!!!! HAhahahahahahah--oh shit tummy-ache.

- Horsey

http://horsecrack.blogspot.com/