Sunday, May 14, 2006

I'm an excellent host.

And no, I don't mean "for parasites," although I'm probably good at that, too.

As those of you who insist on peeping in my windows already know, my sister and niece were recently here for a visit. I was a most hospitable and gracious host, the likes of which would put Martha Stewart to shame. (I mean, more shame than her recent prison stint, even.)

First, there was the welcome banner I made for their arrival. How many of you put out welcome banners for your guests? Not many, I'd guess. Which is a shame, because it's such a nice gesture, and really lets your guests know how you feel about having them over.

(Candypants is my nickname for my sister, and Brandypants is my niece, whose real name is Brandy. It's one of those things on the incredibly long list of things that's probably only funny to me.)

In my guest bathroom, I went to the trouble of displaying a framed photo of my dear sister, taken at bathtime. Well, technically, it's a picture of my son's body with my sister's head, but still, it's a very charming photo, and I get bonus points for the fact that it's a one-of-a-kind piece of art.


And for my final decorating touch, I put another photo of my sister in a place where I could be sure it would be seen and enjoyed every day. Candypants doesn't think this is such a great picture of herself, but I figured that wouldn't be a problem since most of the time it would be to her back, anyway.

And yes, this is the kind of movie star treatment you can expect to receive when you stay at Chez Karlababble. Plus, I'll allow you to get up with my son every morning and feed him while I sleep in, which is really a treat for my guests. All I ask is that you don't all email me at once with your requests to stay at my place; regrettably, I can't house all of you at the same time. One or two guests at a time, please, and be sure to send a photo of yourself ahead of time so I can decorate accordingly.

(By the way, I've missed you!)

37 comments:

Sunflowerfairy said...

Not as much as we missed you, Mrs. Karlababble.

:) Good to have you back.

doggerelblogger said...

You have been in rehab - where else would you have the time to make all these crafts???

You can't lie to us - we can see you twitching.

Cash said...

I printed off that picture of your sis from the toilet ... for the lining of my bird's cage.

He was moved also.

Get it? MOVED?

Yeah, that is pretty much why I am the funniest scientist ever.

gina said...

ahhh yes we have missed you KB> what lovely treatment candy/brandy pants got ... lucky girls.

Anne Glamore said...

That's too funny. Is she going to kill you shen she sees this??

Antonio said...

Funny stuff.

I missed you too. A little.

karen! said...

I love the welcome banner idea. I will be sure to steal that idea next time I have a visitor. I especially like the please don't steal anything part!
Like I have anything that anyone would want to steal anyway. That is great!

andy said...

Thanks for the ideas, Carla. That's friggin awesome. You are my personal hero.

Beeb said...

Can miss kendra and I visit at the same time??? Two birds, you know.

Janet said...

HAHAHA! Genius!

(They didn't steal anything did they? Because, if my welcoming banner said that, I would make a point to caper off with, I don't know, a magnet.)

Karla said...

Thank God your back.

You could have used the picture to make floaters in the toilet to help men keep their aim.

Rachel said...

I thought my dad was the only person who liked to put photos on the underside of the toilet lid. (He prefers to use pics of Julia Roberts or other celebrities that he thinks are odd-looking.) Congratulations, you have something in common with my dad. It's a good thing... really... no, I swear!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Geez, you are SOOO much hotter than your sister! I can't believe you both came from the same vagina!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Aw Karla, you're still just terrific!

karla said...

Dykerson: I'm 14 years younger than my sister. But if my sister had had a blog 14 years ago, you would totally have blog-stalked her and said perverse things on her blog, too.

Stacie said...

so glay your back..I've checked faithfully every day...please add me to your stalker list. LOL Glad you had a good visit with your sis and neice. stacie

Nocturnal said...

KB, KB, that big brain of yours is alive and kicking IC.

Fucking hilarious.

Cheers.

Paige said...

Well it was indeed a good visit. So nice of you to paste pictures of family around your hovel as if they were always there. Yes, I'm sure candypants & brandypants will cherish those memories forever & even pass them on to the grand & great grand kids. Glad you are back from rehab.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

That's quite an age gap, Ms. Babble! But you're the only one I want to stalk...hence the tent and sleeping bag behind that bush across the street from your house.

melissa.in.london said...

Hee hee heee....

The picture on the toilet was the best one. I'll have to remember that.

And we missed you too.

ƒåυνέ said...

Good tips for when my sister comes back home for a visit.

Thanks for stopping by my site. Looked through your blog and I love your wit. The Dear Jackass letters are great!

the belligerent intellectual said...

I've always wondered what it would be like to stare at a picture of myself while I urinated . . .

(I thought I had a punchline here.)

CommonWombat said...

Man do you HAVE to come visit me. Upon your arrival, I'm breaking out a blow-up doll with your face on it, getting a family sized bottle of mustard, and inviting over the horny mexican midgets from next door.

karla said...

Wow, it'll be like I never left home.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I'll be over this weekend...

Natalie said...

And i thought I was your only stalker....

p.s. my word verification is epgboo...gotta love that one

The Jamoker said...

glad to see the puke stains were cleaned from the commode.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

The banner was the best. Now how would she have welcomed you? Do you share the same sense of humor?

Jodi said...

Well, after much thoughtful deliberation all I can say is that I am glad Brandypants wasn't Brandonpants. Because if "his" aim was any thing like my boys he would have peed on his Mommy's face. EWWWWWW.

Aza said...

You are an excellent host and that just rocks! Would you be my new home decorator?

a fish on a bycicle said...

It's a peculiar thought, having you staring at your own bum while you use the loo....

Caryn said...

Despite the serious look in her pictures, your sister much share your sense of humor, or she would know better than to visit you. Sadly, I'm not sure how much of my family would appreciate it if I decorated as you did, though I now find it tempting. Too bad my inlaws left on Tuesday after a week-long visit...

Lena said...

Holy hell Karla! No comment tops this. You would fit RIGHT IN with my family.

My aunt hides gnomes around the house...like in the shower when I go to use it.

Brandypants said...

The sad thing is both Candypants and myself miss your hospitality like crazy and wish we were back...!

Hale McKay said...

Welcome back. Funny post.

jackt said...

Wow you are creative and very productive. And crazy! :)

I couldn't imagine pulling out all the stops like you did, but those gags are awesome.

Jodipodi said...

Thats the funniest thing I have seen in a long time! Nice to see you back blogging! :)

Jodi x