Monday, May 01, 2006

Think of this as an opportunity.

I know you think I'm neglecting you because I haven't posted in awhile. Now, don't jump to any hasty conclusions--I'm not in rehab. I'm not at the Mayo clinic for advanced STD testing. I have not violated my probation. I haven't hiding from the local bookie. Rather, my sister from Alaska is here for a visit.

This is the sister I refer to as Candypants. There is nothing in this world I love more than my sister. Well, except for my son. And maybe my husband. And nacho cheese Doritos. And a good long nap. And tiny little Bulldog puppies. And the letter Q. But aside from those few things, (and several dozen others), I love her more than anything. So my full attention must be devoted to her during her visit. This means I don't have much time for blogging. Depending on your outlook, this may be a blessing or a curse.

The thing I love second most in this world (I mean, after my son and my husband and nacho cheese Doritos and long naps and Bulldog puppies and the letter Q and the other unnamed things) is my niece, who is also here for a visit. So between the lovable sister and the lovable niece, I have plenty of activity in my household to prevent me from blogging.

Use this time wisely, won't you? People tend to spend too much time surfing the 'net, which erodes the brain and dulls the senses (particularly on this site). You need a break from this mind-numbing silliness, don't you? Take this opportunity to learn a new skill, experience a new adventure.

Can't think of any new adventures to expand your horizons? Choose from this handy list. You could:

-Take up knife throwing.

-Join NAMBLA.

-Sell your fresh, un-tainted urine specimens to junkies on probation. (This option is only possible for the handful of my readers who actually have untainted urine.)

-Sleep with a relative.

-Become a pole vaulter.

-Finally kick heroin once and for all.

The possibilities are endless. By the time I write my next post, you could be a whole new, more exciting, more interesting, more adventurous you! And I think we can all agree that the old you was pretty dull. So please, take this opportunity to enlarge your brain, expand your mind, without the interference of the brain-shrinking material this site is known for.

And don't worry, I'll be back very soon to destroy whatever progress you've made.

31 comments:

doggerelblogger said...

Is this the week for friends visiting from Alaska with children? Last Monday an old friend was here with her daughter.

Maybe Alaska is getting crowded.

Steve Luth said...

I like how pole vaulter is in the list with NAMBLA, heroin, and urine. how random :P

jennlo said...

OHMYGOODNEY!!!Do you know how many people will be dumb enough to search for ”NAMBLA” on their work computers? I mean c’mon…you do attract a certain “quality” of readers *ahem* Wombat, and God only knows that they’ve traded away their common sense for a 6 pack at a very early age and it is a miracle that they’ve survived this long. At least I remember hearing about NAMBLA on Law & Order SVU or a DateLine special or something like that, so I’m not gonna Google it. Did you stop to think about how many people are going to link to arrive to your page from a search like that? Sláinte to those who get fired for an innocent, yet not well thought out internet search! *ROTFLMAO*

C. said...

Ummm.. Okay.. : )

C.

CommonWombat said...

It's okay, Jennlo, I work for myself, so there's no worries about me getting fired for looking up NAMBLA. Besides, with all the shitting midgets, sex with underage donkeys and inverted rectal exams already littering my computer, a little NAMBLA search is hardly going to phase anybody.

Karla, have fun with your Columbian drug mule - Er... I meant "sister from Alaska."

Paige said...

But I don't wanta to learn anything. I like me just the way I am. Now you on the other hand may learn to throw knives. But watch out for Jake!

Caryn said...

Oh, wonderful. New hobbies. I've been searching for some now that I've given up knitting camoflauge sweaters and swapping kittens at birth.

Gerbera Daisy said...

Have fun and enjoy your sister and neice.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I could eat my weight in nacho cheese Doritos! Marry me, Karlababble!!!

ZenRender said...

I actually signed myself up for a community college course in knife-vaulting while peeing heroin (the open-learning annex is gettin' outta control, I tell ya) before realizing I had skimmed your post instead of actually reading it.

So, you're moving to Alaskambla with your neice? That's messed up, yo.

Antonio said...

Look I like your suggestions and all, but I did all that stuff last week. Incidentally, I'm not spending the next couple of holidays with the family.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

i'm thinking of taking up blogging. Oh wait...nevermind

lil'bitty said...

There is nothing better than a nice MLT. . . . Mutton Lettuce and tomato sandwich (especially if the mutton is nice and lean) and some Doritoes.
I would guess your sister is married to a guy in the air force or to Grizzly Adams, to be living in Alaska. I suppose she could herself be in the air force. . . or Grizzly Adams.

Amerloc said...

I'd rather stay dull and boring and let you do the work.

I can wait till you're not so busy.

Jessica said...

NAMBLA?!

I can hear Wombat now, "I'm not only the President, I'm also a member."

justacoolcat said...

I figured this was the reason you weren't around.

God looks for Karla

andy said...

Thanks to you, I am now 3 hours sober. And not off booze my friends. I have finally started to kick my GOLDEN GIRLS addiction. Hoo, that feels good.

Blanche is a whore.

Lena said...

Sigh - I guess I could take up pole vaulting again.

And you really should show your sis the sweet talkin you do behind her back...

Chief Scientist said...

Is it still sleeping with a relative if you didn't know? Because, okay, I did that. I am happy I was able to achieve one of the things on the list. Pole vaulting takes too much work, whereas sleeping with my sister just involved her bitching about me crushing the Marlboros she had in her pocket.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Listen you little hussy, the letter Q is MINE! You keep away from it. If I catch you near my Q again I'll cut you!

Nocturnal said...

I think you may already be a pole vaulter KB. :)

TGIF.

Dustin said...

alright seriously ....i could of done without the "sleep with a relative" one.

now i have alot of explaining to do

shit

trisha said...

I'd like to be you for a day. Or maybe just an hour.

Hale McKay said...

I've been looking for an excuse to quit sniffing glue. Ah it'll be chance to try that "solitaire game" on my desk top.

...Enjoy your family.

Lyvvie said...

In your absence I've decided to take up pole dancing. Next week, I get to dance wearing the shiny black boots that help one stick better to the pole.

Hope you're having a super visit.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I happen to know that the niece is gone, so you could do half a post. Then I would need only half as much codeine.

bernadette said...

Methinks Old Hoss has met his match here. Or, is Old Brokeback Hoss doing a second blog here, after finding his feminine side, and using Karla as his pseudonym? Or, is that allonym? Oh bother - you're funny, Karla!

Savtadotty said...

Hoss sent me here, with his tales of a Spam snow machine. I want one! How can I get one! I figure if it works in Texas, it should also work in Tel Aviv, on account of the hot weather in both places.

I already slept with a relative: my one-year-old granddaughter was my roommate for a week last summer.

Brandy C. said...

Glad to see I was so easily forgotten, one day a nanny and the next day not even remebered.

FTS said...

What happens if we finish with these before you get back...?

Lyvvie said...

Happy Mother's Day!!