Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Dear Jackass, Volume 9

Dear customer who asks me for assistance and then answers his cell phone in front of me:

What is it that makes you think I'm actually going to stand here expectantly, smiling politely while you yammer away to your girlfriend or your buddy? Is it me? Do I convey such an air of patience and goodwill that you assume I thrive on serving the meaningless whims of even the most self-important pricks and thoughtless Barbie dolls like yourself? Or do I look so bored and lost and unfulfilled that surely eavesdropping on your one-sided conversation would be a big thrill for a loser like me? Don't bother answering that; go ahead, take a few more minutes and finish your conversation. I'll use this time to talk myself out of yanking your phone out of your hand and disemboweling you with it.

Dear parent who gives long-winded, unprompted speeches proclaiming, "If you mess with my kids, you'll have to deal with ME:"

Yes, fine, you win the parent of the year award, okay? Now pipe down, Supermom (or Superdad). If someone were here threatening your little sweeties right now, this monologue would be warranted, even lauded. But beating your chest and shouting your allegiance to your kids' safety and well-being while standing in line at Target or sitting in the bleachers at a soccer game wins you a classification a boring windbag. Please try limit the number of times per month you refer to yourself as a protective mama bear, or make reference to your "claws coming out" in response to a perceived threat to your babies. Save that energy for when your kids are actually in harm's way. I'd hate to hear that something bad happened to your kids while you were busy making the Mama Bear speech for the 1,365th time and weren't paying attention.

Dear people who constantly ask, "Are you working hard, or hardly working?"

I bet this little quip was novel and amusing back in 1924, the first few dozen times it was spoken. Now it's just annoying. More annoying than the tired joke itself is the dopey little chuckle you always emit immediately after saying it, in spite of the fact that you've surely used this line a thousand times in your life. Do you really still find it funny? If so, I'm stumped. I can't figure out how you got dressed this morning without getting tangled up in the leg of your pants and accidentally asphyxiating yourself.

30 comments:

the belligerent intellectual said...

Typically, whenever I'm talking to someone and they answer their cell phone, I immediately take mine out and pretend to speak on it. Then I wait for them to finish their call and linger on my imaginary conversation a little while longer, just to drive the point home.

Actually, I've only done this once, and it was with my mom, but I think I really taught her something that day.

Steve Luth said...

I agree anyone who uses "Are you working hard, or hardly working?" needs to be slapped.

melissa.in.london said...

I agree with you on the cell phone/customer idiot. That's AS idiotic as calling me for assistance AND THEN PUTTING ME ON EFFING HOLD. Hello? Jackass? YOU CALLED ME. If you didn't have the time, then you shouldn't have called. Did you leave your brain in your nightstand drawer this morning? You make me want to reach through the phone line (because seething anger allows one to do that) and use your tongue to strangle you.

sorry...rant over.

nita said...

as usual, you're right on.

just take the next person in line. or put up a 'closed' sign as soon as they wrap up the call (no doubt with 'yo' somewhere in there...)

the other moms don't know it but i will punch anyone in the throat. i don't talk about it cuz i don't want to be blocked ...

practice your heehaw harhar face. i, too, am stumped when people break that out.

ps
i have totally missed your brilliance :)

Paige said...

Well I myself am currently working hard at looking like I'm working, so maybe your friend {I believe it is your friend you spoke of) does this same. Or not they/he/she is just a big oaff in need of a good swift kick in the arse. At any rate cell phones should not be used at work!

Jess Riley said...

I would love to see some photos of the people that inspired these Dear Jackass letters.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Mama Bears are usually the ones who take shitty care oftheir kids so they feel the need to proclaim to the world how protective they are. I do admit howvere, that once I wanted to beat the hell out of a two year old for making my daughter cry when he took a toy from her. I didn't though, believing that I should teach my duaghter how to beat the shit out of people in private so she can do it herself.

Hardly working? UGH. No.

Sass said...

got one more for you, "Is it hot enough for you?"

Not dip shit another ten degrees would be perfect

Mel said...

i almost used the 'hardly working' line the other day on my boyfriend, and then realized that he'd probably break up with me if i did. so i didnt. yet. but if i'm trying to get out of the relationship, that's the first line i'm pulling out.

Caryn said...

I became so annoyed with customers jabbering away on their cell phones when I needed to ask them questions or tell them something, that I simply began to talk to them as if they weren't on the phone. Worked like a charm. Now I do it to a coworker, who's fond of making (and taking) personal cell phone calls when we're on deadline.

CommonWombat said...

When People ask me that, I reply "Actually I work it until it's hard." Then I silently smile at them and maybe start humping their leg.

The upside is that people don't ask you that anymore.

The downside is that they pretty much stop talking to you completely.

gina said...

anyone messes with one of MY kids, i am gonna cap their asses!! consider yourself warned, internets. and you well comment how cute they are on my blog when i post pics or this bitch is gonna go crazy!!

just kidding- i am a wimp.

Cash said...

I had someone do that to me once, then I bench-pressed his car and slept with his girlfriend.

You might have to try a different approach, but you get the idea.

Newlywife said...

I think the same can be said for jackasses who say "hot enough for you?" in the middle of a heatwave.

Ken said...

That last one is so classic. There's a guy in my office that asks me that every two or so weeks. It used to be funny like 5 or so years ago, but i'm so over it now.

Antonio said...

People who make the same, tired jokes should be shot. And that's my final answer.

Anne Glamore said...

Heh. Good ones.

Margaret said...

Are we having fun yet?

Kristen said...

The mama bear speech one was great. I hate that crap, too. I just want to tell them to shut up and go take care of their precious cubs, already.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

If anybody uses that "hardly working" line on MY kids, they're going to have to deal with ME! But first, I have to take a call...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Aw, gee, Karla, do you really run into people like this? You poor baby....

Mr. Fabulous said...

I don't think a cell phone is sharp enough to disembowel anyone.

I've disemboweled a number of people, so I know what I am talking about.

Try using a steak knife instead.

ZenRender said...

I was at a wedding once, and the father of the groom kept jokingly saying "Are you happy, or are you married?" over and Over and OVER again. It got sorta painful, and I was tempted every time to ask him if there was something he wanted to share with the group.

I also remember hearing something about responding to people who are on the phone in public (friend of yours or not) as if they were talking to you, not to the person on the other end of the line. I figure either that or just saying what they're saying like an echo, and see how long it takes to throw them off...

As for disembowelling with a phone? They're not sharp, true enough, but they are durable, so if you push hard enough, you can get a really satisfying "pop" when it finally does break the skin. ...or so I've been told.

justacoolcat said...

Where are the links down memory lane?

Tish said...

In my, I mean those parents' defense, defending precious Junior is what we, I mean THEY live for...and it's the first step that the therapist said would help transition out of psychosis.
Geez Karla, if we were to ever meet, the universe itself would crumble OR laughter might be heard round the world.

The Bard of the Wood said...

Well, maybe if you'd get off your ass and actually DO something to help me while I'm on my cell phone, I wouldn't have to wonder if you're working hard or hardly working.

Rolligun said...

I liked the conclusion you drew from the guy with the retarded comment about "working"

Seemed like a logical presumption to make.

You should analyze behavior more often, I like the laughs!

Hale McKay said...

Three excellent topics there! Cell phones, probably the only invention that I can think of that is bothe practical and annoying at the same time. Just what did these people do before cell phones? How is there life that much more important now with one than without it?

doggerelblogger said...

Wooo. Where you been? I know everyone always bugs you about posting, but are you trying to kill us? I mean, how do you expect me to last from Tuesday April 25th to Monday May 1st WITHOUT LAUGHING?

Is this some sort of punishment for breaking the cocktail shaker? I think you're better off without it - it was pretty fugly.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Oh God that last one... that last one sends me over the edge. Trite. Lame. Played-out. Ugh! I know someone who says it to me on a regular basis, and my response always is, "What the frick?"

DOES ANYONE THINK THAT LINE IS CLEVER??

I'd sooner settle for a few grunts and a nod for hello, rather than that line.