Wednesday, April 05, 2006

No third-world countries, please.

Commenters sometimes complain that I don't post enough. Well, not all of them--there are a few who probably want me to post less often. But there does exist a contingent that seems to wish I'd post every day. And that can only mean one of two things:

1) I'm a genius, and my pearls of wisdom are highly anticipated and eagerly received.

2) The vast majority of my commenters are married or in long-term relationships. They've gotten tired of talking to their spouses and significant others, and would gladly engage in any activity that gets them out of having the same conversation for the 50th time with the old ball and chain.

Either way, I'd like to keep you happy. I'm here to serve. The problem is how to find the time. I do, after all, have a 1-year old child. Try as I may to ignore him, the little bugger refuses to be marginalized. He will even resort to--get this--defecating in his pants just to get some attention from me. As sad and misguided as that sounds, I have to admit I'd done that myself to get attention from Brian. It works, but I've come to learn that not all attention is good attention. Actually, I learned that from a short stint in prison in the '80s, but some lessons have to be learned more than once before they stick.

So time is one barrier to the non-stop blogging you demanding a-holes seem to want. But perhaps the bigger problem is there's not always something exciting to write about. If I were a pirate or a movie producer or Tom Jones, there'd be no shortage of exciting adventures to recount for your amusement, but the truth is that my life isn't all that exciting. I go to the gym, I play with Jake, I say terrible things about people under my breath, I work a little here and there, where I try to talk myself out of physically harming my coworkers (sometimes successfully, sometimes not). And that's about it. Nothing really newsworthy in there, as you can see. And I'm not willing to let this blog fall the direction of so many blogs, wherein the typical post is written, "Dear Diary" style, as in, "Today I stubbed my toe, then I read a book, then I took a nap. I wonder if Doritos are cheaper at Safeway or Walmart? Bye for now." Not that there's anything wrong with those blogs--I find them strangely compelling. It's just not what I had in mind when I started this thing. Consequently, some days I sit down to puke up a new blog post, and I find I have nothing to puke up.

Fortunately, I've come up with a solution.

You guys can pool your money together and send me off on madcap adventures that I can then dutifully blog about. Most of you will appreciate this because you'll have something to read, and Hoss will appreciate it because he'll have the occasional spelling error to correct. And while I'm gone, you can each take turns babysitting Jake. Problem solved!

To kickstart this thing, I've compiled a short list of places you might want to send me, where I can engage in various blogworthy, nutty exploits:

1) A Caribbean cruise
2) New Years Eve in Times Square, New York
3) A gondola ride in Venice, Italy
4) Napa Valley, CA

Of course, it is your money that will be sending me on my madcap adventures, so naturally you'll have the right to decide where to send me. And because I know you're a vindictive, merciless bunch, I suspect you're thinking more along the lines of places like:

The La Brea Tar Pits, CA
World's Largest Bug, Rhode Island
Dinosaur World, Beaver, Arkansas
Golgotha Biblical Mini Golf, Cave City, KY
World's Largest Collection of Mustards, Mt. Horeb, WI

So I'm essentially at your mercy, right where you've always wanted me. So go ahead, my cold, callous, so-called friends, tell me where you'd like to send me, that I may engage in wacky escapades to recount for you here on my blog.


Anonymous said...

How about the most boring place on earth? Plano, TX! Sure it has 2 bars, and almost no alcohol, but it's boredom is what brings people their excitement and danger!


browser58 said...

Nope, We are going to give you the world's biggest mini-van and send you on a trip to visit all the "Everything for a dollar" stores in the U.S. Your goal is to buy one thing from each store that is different from everything else you have bought in your previous visits. If that doesn't provide blogging material, I don't know what will.

What a great reality series.

doggerelblogger said...

You must go to Canada. And hunt the mythical beaver (also, incidentally, our national animal. And yes, this is slightly embarassing to admit).

dizzy von damn! said...

the tar pits are ok, but the bug is overrated. i used to live a mile away, and really, it's nothing special.

spike's junkyard dogs is near there though, and they rule- with a delicious meaty fist!

Maven said...

How about:

The World's Biggest Trilobite

The World's Biggest Burger

The World's Biggest Lake

The World's Biggest Easter Egg

Chief Slacker said...

The min golf looks kinda funny... anyway, after may you could always come up to the WATERPARK OF AMERICA!! hehe supposedly the bigegst indoor waterpark in the US. Right next to the biggest mall in the US. Could be a good trip...

Until then, Slacker's Dating Odyssey has begun... check it out and feel free to take part in the challenge!!!

gina said...

DO you have a paypal account set up? i want to send $15 for the "biblical mini golf" excursion.

theotherbear said...

What about the Big Banana, in Coffs Harbour, Australia

Melissa said...

I suggest a Hall of Fame/Museum Tour of Ohio, yeah there is the football HoF and rock and roll HoF, but you'd have much more fun and be relegated to:
Ohio Harness Racing HoF
Cleveland Style Polka HoF
Barbers HoF Museum (it's so good it's both!)
Museum of Medical History
Museum of Postal History
Paperweight and Glass Museum
Soda Museum
Telephone Museum
America's Dairy and Ice Cream Museum
Bicycle Museum of America
History of Time Museum
Hoover (as in vacuum) Historical Museum
Wyandot Popcorn Museum
Merry-Go-Round Museum
Susie's Museum of Childhood (evidently she had a kick-ass childhood worthy of a museum)

seriously Ohio does rock, and as our license plate reads, we are the "birthplace of aviation" because the wright brothers were born here damn it!

Natalie said...

I went on a Caribbean cruise this summer and I shudder to think of the misadventures you could wind up on- When I think of you on a Caribbean cruise, the memory of the all-ages barhopping group marching down the ship drunk, screaming,singing, AND wearing hats not unlike those on the heads of old men in mariachi bands seems to pop up. I don't know why.

So, I agree with doggerelblogger, just come to Canada. If you come by Toronto, I'll even babysit Jake and maybe Brian. I can't promise they won't have poo in their pants when you get back though.

CommonWombat said...

No way am I using my own money to send you around the world just for blogging material.

Here's what I'm going to do instead: I'm going to fly out to texas and beat you about the head and neck with a rubber mallet until you become unconcious. Then I will tie you to a sturdy chair and pelt you with pistachio pudding until you wake up. Then come the clowns.

I have every confidence you'll find something to blog about in there.

Mom said...

As a Canadian, I'll go patriotic and say that I'd send you to the tunnels of Moose Jaw.
I'd definitely love to read about your underground ganster experience à la Capone.

melissa said...

Nope, nope. I've got it. It's about four miles from my house.

You can view a picture of it on the above page. It's a 500,000 lb-plus giant-ass rock. That's right. A freaking rock.

It's apparently "one of Iowa's largest fully-exposed glacial deposits."

You're excited, I know...

acw said...

Can you please visit the 2nd largset cross in the Western hemisphere and take pictures of the mongoloids that stop to pray in front of the aluminum eyesore?

CommonWombat said...

MELISSA.IN.LONDON: "It's apparently "one of Iowa's largest fully-exposed glacial deposits.""

Ironicaly, one of Maryland's largest fully exposed glacial deposits is currently jutting out of my toilet.

/Couldn't resist
//Really should have resisted

Anonymous said...

I think the bug looks overrated... I actually thought of this instead: You wouldn't have to travel far, because they have events all over the country. The drag events look especially promising.

Except now I'm kind of wanting to go so I have something to blog about...

lil'bitty said...

You could go and visit Wombat. Return the favor kinda thing. Or get even as the case may be. Would that be another sign of the appocolypse?

justacoolcat said...

I think the only trip in your future involves a hand basket.

Maui said...

You're a goof.


melissa said...



it's a gl-ass-ial just spelled it wrong...

Anonymous said...

don't you owe Common Wombat some house work and cooking or something???

pat said...

Dear Karla,

I've got an important function coming up, and I was wondering whether you could write a clever a speech for me. One that would lift the spirit of every man, woman and child present. One that would make them all look into themselves -- their heart of hearts -- and exclaim "I have never met a man with so many anecdotes about crabs!". Something like that would be nice. I really want to make a good impression.

But actually, I've lied. I have no important function coming up... just an end-of-exams house party. I guess I was just hoping that you could write something up that I could shout from a table-top at 2am. Something that wouldn't be too difficult to recite after drinking a pint of vodka. Something that would be easily conveyed to a seething crowd, and which would require no more than a drunken cheer in reply.

This would be muchly appreciated. Thanks for listening. I love your work.


Hale McKay said...

I'm trying to figure out if you are actually wanting to find Blog material - or you just want to get away!
...By the way, both reasons are acceptible.

Rusty said...

York County, Pennsylvania (my hometown) is the "Factory Tour Capital of the World" - that's right, factory tours! We've got so many potato chip factories (Utz, Martin's, Bickel's and Frito-Lay are all right here!) and pretzel factories (Snyder's of Hanover), not to mention a few canneries (Hanover Foods) here and there. You can totally pork out (like we are here in York, statistically) on the free snack foods at the end of the tour! It'll be great! We also have a Starbucks roasting facility here in York - we can chill with some coffee after your tours.

Ben said...

London, England: West End Only

(fuck the royalty gigs -- boring)

It's saturated with artsy types who curse like sailours, drink like fish, and are never predictable in any way shape or form.

Perfect for you KB.


Joanna Arcieri said...

Camden NJ. You'd have a blast there. No pun intended. Plus you could see the hippo exhibit at the aquarium.

Peepshow said...

I like the mini-van/dollar store idea! Then at the end, do ANOTHER road trip to find all the houses in America with all the dorky yard furniture, flamingos, and plastic flowers all over the place and then give all the dollar store stuff away!

CommonWombat said...

Jamoker, I have absolutely no idea why Karla would owe me housework and/or cleaning, but I have decided that you are 100% right. Karla, please pack up your nifty vaccuming robot and get on the first plane to Baltimore. We have a lot of cat fur that needs the "Karla touch."

Pollyanna said...

Thanks for stopping by my wee little blog. And as far as THIS post goes, I think you should go visit Columbia Falls, MT. If you can't find blog fodder there, you won't find it anywhere!

Me said...

Actually, I think I'll just contribute gas money and send you to Waco.

If you do something that gets you thrown in jail, you may get to meet some of my family members.

No, they don't work there. But my Uncle John is on a first-name basis with most of the law enforcement officials.

Or you could go take care of my Alzheimer's afflicted grandfather. You can keep him entertained with some of your stories, which of course you'll have to repeat. Over and over. Or you'll have to listen to his war stories. Over and over.

Seriously though, you're far too creative and entertaining of a human being to subject you to the soul-sucking horrors of my mother's side of the family. She left Waco as soon as she could.