Commenters sometimes complain that I don't post enough. Well, not all of them--there are a few who probably want me to post less often. But there does exist a contingent that seems to wish I'd post every day. And that can only mean one of two things:

1) I'm a genius, and my pearls of wisdom are highly anticipated and eagerly received.

2) The vast majority of my commenters are married or in long-term relationships. They've gotten tired of talking to their spouses and significant others, and would gladly engage in any activity that gets them out of having the same conversation for the 50th time with the old ball and chain.

Either way, I'd like to keep you happy. I'm here to serve. The problem is how to find the time. I do, after all, have a 1-year old child. Try as I may to ignore him, the little bugger refuses to be marginalized. He will even resort to--get this--defecating in his pants just to get some attention from me. As sad and misguided as that sounds, I have to admit I'd done that myself to get attention from Brian. It works, but I've come to learn that not all attention is good attention. Actually, I learned that from a short stint in prison in the '80s, but some lessons have to be learned more than once before they stick.

So time is one barrier to the non-stop blogging you demanding a-holes seem to want. But perhaps the bigger problem is there's not always something exciting to write about. If I were a pirate or a movie producer or Tom Jones, there'd be no shortage of exciting adventures to recount for your amusement, but the truth is that my life isn't all that exciting. I go to the gym, I play with Jake, I say terrible things about people under my breath, I work a little here and there, where I try to talk myself out of physically harming my coworkers (sometimes successfully, sometimes not). And that's about it. Nothing really newsworthy in there, as you can see. And I'm not willing to let this blog fall the direction of so many blogs, wherein the typical post is written, "Dear Diary" style, as in, "Today I stubbed my toe, then I read a book, then I took a nap. I wonder if Doritos are cheaper at Safeway or Walmart? Bye for now." Not that there's anything wrong with those blogs--I find them strangely compelling. It's just not what I had in mind when I started this thing. Consequently, some days I sit down to puke up a new blog post, and I find I have nothing to puke up.

Fortunately, I've come up with a solution.

You guys can pool your money together and send me off on madcap adventures that I can then dutifully blog about. Most of you will appreciate this because you'll have something to read, and Hoss will appreciate it because he'll have the occasional spelling error to correct. And while I'm gone, you can each take turns babysitting Jake. Problem solved!

To kickstart this thing, I've compiled a short list of places you might want to send me, where I can engage in various blogworthy, nutty exploits:

1) A Caribbean cruise
2) New Years Eve in Times Square, New York
3) A gondola ride in Venice, Italy
4) Napa Valley, CA

Of course, it is your money that will be sending me on my madcap adventures, so naturally you'll have the right to decide where to send me. And because I know you're a vindictive, merciless bunch, I suspect you're thinking more along the lines of places like:

The La Brea Tar Pits, CA
World's Largest Bug, Rhode Island
Dinosaur World, Beaver, Arkansas
Golgotha Biblical Mini Golf, Cave City, KY
World's Largest Collection of Mustards, Mt. Horeb, WI

So I'm essentially at your mercy, right where you've always wanted me. So go ahead, my cold, callous, so-called friends, tell me where you'd like to send me, that I may engage in wacky escapades to recount for you here on my blog.

Labels: Get off your asses and help me