Monday, April 17, 2006

What am I doing wrong?

Perhaps I've been misleading you.

It seems that some of you have gotten the impression that this site is the place to go to satisfy your many diverse and incredibly sick needs, to include, apparently, masturbating with a banana peel. Observe a recent screenshot of my Statcounter.com search statistics:


It must be me. There must be something about me that leads you to believe you can find info or images or stories here about masturbating with a banana peel. Which makes me think perhaps its time to reevaluate my life and make some changes.

Have I not made it abundantly clear that my site is designed to be a force to effect positive change in the world? A place where people of all races and religions and economic backgrounds can come together in harmony? Where love can bloom, trust is sacred, truth prevails? Have you not read my previous posts?

Does no one remember when I tried to illustrate how good music and camaraderie can blissfully blind a person to the ugliness in this sometimes-cruel world?

Have I not tried preach the benefits of proper manners and social etiquette?

Have I not sought to share with you the unmitigated joys of motherhood?

Have I not done my best to show you that cleanliness is next to Godliness?

Was it completely lost on you how hard I tried to illustrate the importance of getting the sleep that is so necessary for good mental health?

Have I not labored to teach you how laughter can brighten your day and enrich your life?

And yet, it appears it has all been for nothing. Despite my best attempts to make the world a better place, I am rewarded with the banana peel masturbator. What's next? Masturbating with a syringe? Breast self-exams with a catcher's mitt? Intercourse with self-rising bread dough?

Again, let me be clear about my mission here. Karlababble.com is meant to be a safe place, a comforting place, where you can go to get away from the hustle and bustle. Here, we can grow together as people, and form a sort of family where we support each other through the trying times. There are plenty of sites out there for the sick and depraved, the soulless and the shallow. In the last day or so I've made some technical changes, so from now on, when you reach my site via a search engine query for something twisted and immoral, you will be automatically redirected to a site where that kind of sickness runs rampant, and filth and vulgarity are revered.

Until then, let's all join hands (I'm speaking figuratively, for the slow among you) and try to cleanse our minds of the mental image we now probably all have of a fat, hairy man sitting naked in front of his computer in a dingy apartment, masturbating with a banana peel, while his 17 cats crap all over his tattered furniture and chase cockroaches across his urine-stained carpet. Wait, I'm thinking of an ex-boyfriend. Okay, forget the hand-holding mind-cleansing bit and just lay off the crack pipe for a day or two. That might clear your head sufficiently enough for you to recognize karlababble.com as the peaceful garden I intended it to be.

44 comments:

Anne Glamore said...

Ha ha!! I love to see what the google searches drag in!!

miss kendra said...

this peaceful garden shit makes me want to puke.

bring back the banana peels!

not just for creepy old men anymore!

CommonWombat said...

Is it just me, or was this the blog equivalent of a clip show?

Also, is it just me, or does anyone else suddenly want to go to the kitchen and see if there are any bananas in the pantry?

browser58 said...

Don't you wonder what happened to the rest of the banana?

Natalie said...

never eating a banana again...

p.s. yes, when i think of you karla, images of peace gardens pop into my head

Hannah said...

I love your site:) I'm adding it to my favorites.

I was going to set up Statcounter but I'm thinking I don't want to know these details! Pehaps you should stop looking too.

Jessica said...

Karla writes: "Try to cleanse our minds of the mental image we now probably all have of a fat, hairy man sitting naked in front of his computer in a dingy apartment, masturbating with a banana peel, while his 17 cats crap all over his tattered furniture and chase cockroaches across his urine-stained carpet."

You mean....Wombat??!!

ZenRender said...

Self-Rising Bread Dough:

I've got a real "damned-if-I-do, and six-of-the-other" here:

Would that be Tantric or Pantric?

The Bard of the Wood said...

Christ! I'm sorry already! Do you have to go parading it all over your blog? How was I supposed to know? It's not like they teach that stuff in public school growing up...

CommonWombat said...

Jessica, stop peeking in my windows. And for the record, it's only 15 cats.

melissa.in.london said...

Oh man. That girl that failed the reproduction test desperately needs help...

Excuse me, I have to go read your archives now.

Nocturnal said...

Here here, KB most certainly serves a purpose in a demented way; that's a good thing.

Cheers.

Antonio said...

Masturbating with a syringe is SO five minutes ago

justacoolcat said...

Man, that was like a Family Ties "let's remember" episode.

Amanda said...

ill, cringing a bit, but basically willing to confirm: you are a hoot!

Denise said...

you crack me up!

Caryn said...

If life were fair, search engines would give us a way to contact those who find our sites--or hide from them.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Thanks, Babe. This is a nice way to get into your archives. Very funny, indeed.

The Jamoker said...

maybe the banana masturbator was additionally inspired by the pic of the texas/execution tshirt...

RitMeyer said...

You blog is my zen garden. You know, if zen means like taking a fork and gabbing it in my ear... wait, sorry that was a banana and my who-ha.

Mr. Fabulous said...

You know that picture you painted about the naked hairy fat guy with the cats, etc?

That totally made me hard.

And as if to prove my point, my WV:

PUDef

Neil said...

Why do you assume that everyone who masturbates with a banana peel is a fat, hairy man? That is insulting to... uh, one of my friends...

Jodipodi said...

Apparently you can smoke banana skins and they make you high, imagine the possibilities masturbating with one as well! The mind boggles...

Hmm, I need a sugar fix... wheres that fruit bowl?!

Jodi said...

Now here's a dumb question, is masturbating w/banana peels a common practice or just a fetish type of thing? i am so out of the loop it's not even funny.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Actually, I enjoy masturbating with a banana peel. It's the pineapple rind that hurts like a sonofabitch.

nita said...

someone *keeps* finding me through 'bloody anus'. it was a dog story, i swear!

*shiver*

a fish on a bycicle said...

sorry about the banana peel thing, it won't happen again

Dustin said...

looking at your stats is a wonderful and highly underrated past time. I've learned to touch myself with many a household item cuz of it.

.....alright that was freaking lame.

no more masterbation jokes.

Ivy the Goober said...

Well I learned something new here today. As usual!

Kiki said...

You've taught me *oh* so many lessons, Karla!

Sarah Smile said...

I apparently turned up on a search for "ape costume porn" and I can't help but feel we're related now somehow.

Cash said...

I only got here because I did a search on 'midget porn' and your blog was at the top of the list.

Detroiter said...

A person just doesn't search for banana peel masturbation and get your site for nothing ;)

I feel sorry for the poor lads who actually use a banana peel. Don't they watch 'Girls Gone Wild'? There are enough sleazy, easy sluts for the geekiest of geeks.

BlogLaughs said...

You're not the Queen of Banana Peel Porn?

gina said...

omg i just read brenda's rendition of the human anatomy. scary. hope she didnt pursue the medical field. LOL

Rolligun said...

Where would the world be with out you?

God Bless you...

Lyvvie said...

I like the crab tales best. You've taught me never let anyone else sleep in my bed after reading about the guy who gave him mom crabs. Still makes me queasy.

but now I can't stop thinking about icky man with banana and may not come back, and may never eat a banana again. And thanks to browser58 I'm now thinking about where the rest of the banana is.

PlatinumGirl said...

Wow, you have me beat. I only had "Beavis & Butthead butt scratcher!"

HolyMama! said...

oh my gosh, i'm so grossed out! WHO IS SEARCHING THAT?!!? aaaack!

Mike said...

Great site!

andy said...

Du-hude.....don't Bogart the peace pipe. Most of us are jealous of your raunchy search returns. All I ever get are searches about Nelly and Chicago Weatherman Jerry Taft. Lame. Congrats.

delmer said...

A lot of people were coming to my site via the search term "granny gallery."

I thought that my mom's paintings had a large following until I Googled the term myself.

In retrospect it is no surprise that the term turned up porn site after porn site featuring mature women.

ZenRender said...

I might not have a hip keyword search m'self, but you'll be happy to know it could be worse (or better, depending on your point of view):

My wife's top search more often than not?

Vaginal Fart

You think I'm kidding?

http://www.geckotemple.com/arwen/blog/?p=69

krusty the baker said...

They didn't teach me how to masturbate with a 'nana skin at public school either.

Heh, heh, anyone for a banana split?

I've no idea how anyone reaches my stuff. I dread to think.