Thursday, May 25, 2006

It's Not Easy Being The Sane One, Part I

For quite some time now, I've suspected that I'm the only sane person in existence on a planet teeming with the mentally ill. I've long been compiling evidence to support my theory, and I think you'll agree that my findings are pretty shocking. The list is long--too long to cram into one blog post, so I'll let you in on just a couple of the facts I've collected that prove that the whole world, (with the exception of yours truly) is batty:

--There are people out there who eat chili with Ritz crackers instead of saltines. Yeah, you read that right. Ritz goddamn crackers! Chili is perhaps the world's greatest food, something to be eaten in winter or summer, for breakfast or dinner. And it's an absolute requirement for anyone with a hangover. The idea that mindless peasants all over the world are fouling this manna from Heaven with the sweetened cardboard that is Ritz Crackers is horrifying and shameful. I can only pray these people will be punished in the afterlife.

--Even as we speak, in bars all across America, millions of people are blithely sipping margaritas made with sweet and sour--and pretending they taste good. Sweet and sour is vile, wretched stuff, and should never be consumed. It's probably perfectly good for rinsing out a kitty litter box or flushing out a radiator, but it's not suitable for the delicate human digestive tract. Its very existence began as a practical joke, I'm sure. Some lazy 20-something bartender got tired of mixing up real lime juice and sugar each time a customer ordered a margarita, so he devised a scheme to make things easier for himself, therefore freeing himself up to take more breaks to sit in his car and get stoned during his shift. At first, he probably just mixed up a huge vat of of lime juice and sugar and stored it in the refrigerator, where it could be swiftly accessed any time a customer ordered a drink. But after a couple of days he probably realized the lime juice was going bad when stored that way--and no way was this lazy prick willing to mix up a new jug daily. So the shiftless swine stopped using lime juice entirely, instead throwing in some limey sugary powdered Koolaid-type crap thereafter known as sweet and sour. His piss-drunk customers didn't notice or complain, so the a-hole bragged to all his bartender friends that he'd found a way to make drinks faster and smoke pot more on his shift than anyone else he knew. The sensation caught on, and voila--fast-forward to the present day, where I can be seen in restaurant after restaurant, bar after bar, year after year, asking waiters and bartenders if I can get a margarita made with lime and sugar instead of sweet and sour, only to be met with a blank stare as if I had just asked if I could please have the manager's panties blended up in my drink. Am I the only sane person left? Why does everyone cheerfully accept drinks made with sweet and sour, when sweet and sour tastes like sugared bile? My liver demands better. Nay, after the hell it's been through, my liver deserves better.

Oh, the list goes on and on. I'll let you in on the rest of it, but I'm sure you're reeling from these first two shockers. Yes, the world is a sick place. Thank God that there's still someone like me--perhaps the only sane one left--to speak the truth and stand up for what's right and decent. Now I call on you, my faithful readers, to join me in my fight. The next time a waiter tries to slip some sweet and sour past you, break the margarita glass over his head and disembowel him with one of the broken shards. Next time you see some halfwit desecrating a bowl of chili with Ritz crackers, ram the spoon up his nose. We can't just sit back and watch the world go to hell in a handbasket.

Thank you.

29 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, I am pretty busy keeping the world safe from Buttcrack, but I will try....

Chief Scientist said...

How about a nice game of CandyLand?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I like my chili like I like my women. Hot, spicy, and full of beans.

Carbon said...

Ohhh nooo ritz crackers and saltines? THAT is insanity. How about garlic bread. Or a nice wholegrain bun. yum.

jackt said...

I'd like to be out of the office on vacation if one of my co workers ate chili for breakfast!!!

Ben said...

Ritz crackers and chili beans, thats sacriledge. Now chili beans and beer... that's doable.

TGIF KB and have a nice weekend.

Cheers.

jules said...

Sign me up for the revolt.

melissa.in.london said...

Ritz? Good God.

That's desecration.

andy said...

Dude, Carla, I have NEVER heard of effing Ritz effing crackers. That's disgusting. I hate when people get creative with their dipping anyway, but this is just ridiculous. Where did you hear this? This can't really be true. Please restore my faith in the world and tell me this is not true. I'm gonna go cry now.

CommonWombat said...

Oh no you DIT-INT just diss Ritz Crackers!

I have long been a fan of the flakey, salty, buttery Ritz. I love them as a snack, I love them with Peanut Butter and Jelly, I love the way they turn to tasty mush in soup, I even love them with chili.

Karla, I've put up with your weird idiosyncracies so far, but this Ritz hatred just might be a deal-breaker. Sheesh.

AnonymousCoworker said...

Great, two more things I have to add to my list of "Times I should punch people in the balls".

It's getting to be a long list, and you're not helping.

Christi said...

I agree 100% on the nasty margarita mix. My husband thought he would surprise me w/some one night when I said I'd been wanting one. Ummm, yeah, I felt really bad when I wouldn't even feed it to the dog! He hasn't made that mistake again!

Hale McKay said...

NO matter what you put in it - lime or sweet and sour - a margarita is not a drink. If a mix has to be prepared - it's not a drink!
...Try a real drink a Jack Daniels srtaight up. (the coke is on the side folks - not in the drink.
...I somewhat agree regarding the Ritz crackers - but only if there are no saltines or oyster crackers. I agree with mommymaki - garlic bread works. So does cornbread.
...In my eyes, the only thing that bothers me when I see people putting sour cream in their chili. That's the ultimate insult to chili lovers.

Malnurtured Snay said...

EVERYONE'S INSANE EXCEPT FOR ME!!!!

Jodi said...

Please do keep me posted as to these other issues that I need to be aware of with regards to this saneness debate or lack thereof. I need all the direction I can get frankly. Personally there is no such thing as a bad margaritti, but I will take your word for it.

Lee said...

If you're the only sane one in a world full of insane people, wouldn't that make you "insane"? You know, like the pretty girl in that "world of ugly people" Twilight Zone episode?

I'm just saying...

gina said...

what about fritos? are fritos okay in chili????

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Lot's of people do disgusting things to food. In california they put pineapple on pizzas. In my book, that's lower than cheating on your taxes (but it's above genocide).

But I'm with you on the sourmix. If it comes out of the squirtgun behind the bar, it can't be any good.

Chris said...

Wow. This is indeed odd. My favorite snack happens to be Ritz crackers dunked in Sweet and Sour. Its two great tastes that taste great together.

Just Expressing Myself said...

It's good to know there are people like you out there.
Take care,
Frances

Joyce B. said...

Hysterical. Found you through Heather at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.

I agree on the marg comment whole-heartedly. I see you are in Texas, as I am. Find an Iron Cactus restaurant and go there. They use sugar water made on the premises. Fabulous margs on the rocks.

Maui said...

Saltines and NO spoon.

Jess Riley said...

Lucky for me, there's a restaurant around here that makes real margaritas, no sodium-benzoate spiked sweet & sour in sight.

Oh, and the best part is that happy hour around here doesn't mean half-off drinks. No. They actually bring you two drinks right away.

Kimberly said...

I moved from New Mexico to Iowa (under duress, although it probably contributes to my own personal sanity issues) and I can't get a decent margarita to save my life. Seriously, if I were run down by a car and my last wish were a margarita without that crap sweet and sour in it, I would die a very unhappy woman. Lucky for me, I'm the kind of nuisance in a bar that would take a margarita BACK to the bar because I SAID NO SWEET AND SOUR DAMMIT, and WATCH as the bartender SQUEEZED fresh cut lime into my damn drink. And then, of course, I'd leave a big fat tip so he wouldn't spit. But only in Iowa. In New Mexico, sweet and sour in a margarita is equivalent to blasphemy.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you. Although I have a much harsher word for the "insane". I like to call them stupid. Like the ones that go 45 mph on the fast lane on a freeway. We have to come up with a way to control the population. Come up with a law that bans procreation by anyone considered "stupid".

Ken said...

I totally agree with you. Although I have a much harsher word for the "insane". I like to call them stupid. Like the ones that go 45 mph on the fast lane on a freeway. We have to come up with a way to control the population. Come up with a law that bans procreation by anyone considered "stupid".

FreeThinker said...

Fighting for the right to Party ... I'm on board!

AnthonyLemons said...

Ritz? Someone can afford Ritz? Those bastards!!!

geena said...

Imagine my horror at moving to a small country in Europe only to discover that:
1. There ARE no saltine crackers. And the fake Ritz crackers are worse than the real ones. I bow my head in shame every time I make a pot of chili and have to use the evil fake-Ritz-that-aren't-even-saltines.
2. I fear that the Margaritas you can get in this country (for approximate the cost of a small house) are made with...Sprite and Tequila. I kid you not.