Sunday, June 04, 2006

I know funny people.

Spoken by my attractive redneck friend Kenny in Missouri:

Don't leave me in this bar alone! You know I'll get drunk and end up going home with one o' them taterhogs that's been hitting on me all night!

Spoken by my friend Donna in high school algebra class, while discussing possible senior class trip destinations with our teacher:

KANSAS!? No! If we wanted flat, we'd stay here with Karla!

(And might I just say in my own defense that my very average C cups probably only looked flat next to Donna's very impressive D cups. I would have pointed that out at the time if I could have been heard over the shrieking laughter of my entire class and my teacher.)

Spoken by comedian Artie Lange:

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like f*!#ing a mannequin.

Spoken by me while 3 months pregnant, upon being asked if I planned to find out the sex of the baby from my upcoming sonogram:

Hell, yes! I don't understand people who say they don't want to find out the sex of the baby until it's born. I want to know everything; I don't want any surprises coming out of my hoo-ha.

Spoken by the plumber who came to a rental house we had just moved into a few years ago, when we called him to fix the backed-up plumbing:

It's probably nothing major. Most times I get called out to a house where the sewage is backing up into the bathtub, and people are afraid it's going to require a major overhaul to fix it. But lots of times it's just sewer rats.

My husband (horrified): Sewer rats?! We have sewer rats?!

Plumber: Well, some people call them tampons. I call them sewer rats.

29 comments:

jackt said...

Wow your friends are really funny. Taterhogs! Nice.

RE: last one- I had a friend who called them jelly donuts. Icky, but a bit funny in a gross sort of way.

Geckoblogle said...

Isn't this some sort of one-year-anniversary post?

If so: Bappy Hirthday Barlakabble.

If not: Shut ME up.

Crazy MomCat said...

Ha! Taterhogs and sewer rats. Hilarious!

Caryn said...

The sewer rats/tampons one was especially funny. Thanks for the amusement!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

My mom used to make me go to the supermarket and buy her sewer rats. God, I hated that bitch.

CommonWombat said...

Sewer Rats scores a legitimate LOL. Usually I save those for jokes about midgets and bison.

La Boom said...

Ok.. they WERE way bigger then a D cup.

Chris said...

Price Check for Size Large Sewer Rats at Register 3!

Mr. Fabulous said...

I've done a mannequin. I recommend!

Mel & Seigo said...

Aaahh, you've made my day brighter - I love the 'flats' and the 'rats'... :)

Neil said...

That's not fair to include yourself as "funny people you know."

Ken said...

Those are absolutely hilarious quotes. I wish I could remember half the things that come up in random conversations throughout my life.

Margaret said...

Maybe Kenny needs some non-alcoholic beer and a taterhog manequin?

melissa.in.london said...

Super absorbant sewer rats just doesn't have a very nice ring to it...

Loved this post!!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I have never heard of sewer rats. But I knew about taterhogs.

Hoss: 50/50.

Antonio said...

So you like, bitch-slapped your friend for the "flat" comment, right?

karla said...

No way; I love her to death. And since I passed on the opportunity to bitch-slap her for the many infractions before that, it just made sense to pass on that one as well.

Nocturnal said...

LOL re:sewer rats. The sense of humour that kid of yours is going to have should be something else.

Cheers

La Boom said...

I know you love me...if not, I would have been smacked WAY before that remark.

Hale McKay said...

Those are a riot!
Great post, Karla.

Kiki said...

Sewer Rats???!?! Taterhogs?!?!? Aaaaaaaaaaah haaaaaaaaa ha ha ha!!

KDA said...

The mannequin one made me laugh out loud. Good one!

Nicole said...

I once had a plumber convince me that what he pulled out was a sewer rat. Both the plumber and my boyfriend had a good laugh over that one.

The Jamoker said...

damn sewer rats...

Chief Scientist said...

Listen, here is what men want to know about women; that you smell nice and are cleanly shaven in the right places. We don't want to know how you got that way and we certainly don't want to know what goes in or out of your hoo-ha's that doesn't involve our orgasms.

Pioneer Woman said...

Sewer rats? Ewww. I'm gonna go hurl.

tfg said...

Damn. So that's why my parents used to laugh so hard whenever they made me play "Bobbing for Sewer Rats." Another childhood memory shot to hell.

Jodi said...

sewer rats, EWWWW. Jelly donuts, EWWWWW.
Let's change the subject! EWWWWW.

Jessica said...

Count me among the women who want to be surprised by the gender of the baby when I'm pregnant. In fact, I confess that - sometimes - I even like surprises coming into my hoo-ha.