Spoken by my attractive redneck friend Kenny in Missouri:
Don't leave me in this bar alone! You know I'll get drunk and end up going home with one o' them taterhogs that's been hitting on me all night!
Spoken by my friend Donna in high school algebra class, while discussing possible senior class trip destinations with our teacher:
KANSAS!? No! If we wanted flat, we'd stay here with Karla!
(And might I just say in my own defense that my very average C cups probably only looked flat next to Donna's very impressive D cups. I would have pointed that out at the time if I could have been heard over the shrieking laughter of my entire class and my teacher.)
Spoken by comedian Artie Lange:
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like f*!#ing a mannequin.
Spoken by me while 3 months pregnant, upon being asked if I planned to find out the sex of the baby from my upcoming sonogram:
Hell, yes! I don't understand people who say they don't want to find out the sex of the baby until it's born. I want to know everything; I don't want any surprises coming out of my hoo-ha.
Spoken by the plumber who came to a rental house we had just moved into a few years ago, when we called him to fix the backed-up plumbing:
It's probably nothing major. Most times I get called out to a house where the sewage is backing up into the bathtub, and people are afraid it's going to require a major overhaul to fix it. But lots of times it's just sewer rats.
My husband (horrified): Sewer rats?! We have sewer rats?!
Plumber: Well, some people call them tampons. I call them sewer rats.