Sunday, June 18, 2006

Give from the heart. It'll make you feel better about yourself.

In the span of a week, both Brian and I received letters informing us that our financial/personal/medical records may have been compromised, and are possibly in the hands of an evil villain who will use them to first destroy us, and then topple our government and take over the White House.

Well, the letters didn't exactly go into those specifics, but I can only assume that will be the eventual outcome. I watch TV. I know how these things work.

First came my letter from the Department of Veterans Affairs. Yes, I'm a veteran. Please remember me on those holidays in which you revere all heroes of this country. During my few short years in the Army Reserve, I heroically performed such tasks as bravely typing memos, fearlessly moving things from one corner of a room to another, boldly stuffing a rucksack full of unnecessary items and schlepping it up a hill, valiantly staying awake during classroom instruction, and courageously consuming an incredibly diverse range of beige or grey food items. Now, as it happens, a VA employee has managed to lose track of a laptop computer which contained the records of many thousand current and former servicefolk such as myself. Jack Bauer has been contacted, so there's an excellent chance the country will be saved from total destruction, but who knows how many lives will be lost in the process?

And since Jack's attempt to save the world will be thwarted and stalled at every twist and turn by everyone he knows with the exception of maybe one or two brilliant, clever people who clearly idolize him and/or want to sleep with him, this could take a while. In the meantime, I have to plan for my future.

The missing data contains my medical and financial records, and I've been trying to think of ways to protect myself against the misuse of this sensitive information. First, there's the financial data. I have extremely good credit at this point. (Surprised, asshole? Actually, me too.) But I know that it would take less than a year for an evildoer to wad my lovely credit up in a ball and wipe his villainous backside with it, eventually leaving me bankrupt, starving and homeless, begging on the street for money to buy a nonfat, no-foam latte at Starbucks.

To insure against the possibility of abject poverty, I am hereby setting up a "Friends of Karla" donation program. I'll accept donations from you (yes, you) in any amount, but I think we both agree that it's pretty tacky to donate in anything other than multiples of $100. Because Bank of America, where my modest checking account is kept, is probably not logistically able to handle the thundering avalanche of cash that will surely come crashing in the moment I post this, I have had the foresight to set up several overseas bank accounts, so that I can keep the money spread out across several continents. I am also prepared to invest heavily in tech stocks and Purina dog food, to further distribute the cumbersome pile of money. Some of the cash I will simply bury beneath my house for quicker access. I realize there may very quickly come a time when I need to think of even more options for housing the ever-increasing influx of donations, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I simply ask that you reach deep into your pocketbooks, your friends' pocketbooks, your mother's jewelry box, and your boss's cash register and donate whatever you can, as often as you can, until it hurts, to save this poor veteran from the clutches of impending disaster.

Next, there's the matter of the medical records. While I never wanted it to get out that I had such extensive and repeated STD testing in the 90s, I feel that a little bit of embarrassment is the least of my worries here. I have no idea what evil could be wrought by a criminal in possession of medical records, but I don't have time to sit around and speculate. All I can do now is prepare for the worst, so I'm setting up a "Friends of Karla" Organ Donation program. I ask you to donate whatever bodily organs you can spare, up to and including your heart, lungs, kidney, and skin. Got a friend with a nice, healthy liver? Appropriate it and send it in, ASAP. I'll also be accepting donations of blood, type B Negative. (Nice, huh? My blood type and my attitude toward life are the same! Ho, ho--I tell you, even in the face of disaster I still have a sense of humor. Don't you admire my strength, my courage?)

There's no time to waste, since we have no way of knowing what plans this medical records thief has, or how quickly he will be able to act on them. I have already bought several large, commercial-grade freezers to accommodate the organ and blood donations when they start rolling in, and I have alerted the US mail service, Federal Express and UPS that they will need to increase their staff for the next several months, lest they be buried in a mountain of packages and letters as a result of your unrelenting generosity and humanitarianism.

So please, I hate to seem rude, but there's no time for you to sit around reading this blog today. You've got to mobilize your friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, even total strangers, to get started now collecting and sending donations.

Oh, and Brian got a letter too; this one from the company that handles his student loan. Apparently someone who worked for a records management company that handles the financial data for many thousands of current and former college students has taken a bunch of those records hostage and is willing to trade them for cash, guns, an unlimited supply of Gummy Bears, and safe passage to Brazil. Or hell, maybe they just lost the records, I can't recall, but I do remember the letter saying that the data had been compromised. I'd set up a donation program for Brian, too, but I worry that doing so might decrease donations to my own fund, with some people dividing up their meager life savings between the two funds. Let him figure out his own way out of this mess; I'm looking out for number one. If he starts to look hungry I might flip him a couple bucks, but beyond that, he's going to have to be responsible for himself, and dig his way out of financial ruin on his own. If there's one thing I hate, it's someone who's looking for a handout.

31 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sorry to hear of your quandry, Ms. Babble. I'm a little strapped for cash right now, but as far as organs go, I'd be happy to lend you my penis for an hour or so.

Of course, I come with it... ;)

karla said...

Oh, come on. At least send me something big enough that it can be useful to me.

Caryn said...

A fundraiser, eh? Is it tax deductible? Can you provide receipts? Just in case the answers to the above questions are 'yes', and I am certain they must be, I'll get out my check book now and await your response.

Carie said...

lol that was o funny...

jackt said...

Hahaha. I can offer gummy bears but not a trip to Brazil.

Mr. Fabulous said...

LMAO...you crack me up, girl! Very funny and clever. Marry me! :)

gina said...

wesley got that same letter too. man, the VA f-ed up big time.

i never considered a "fund" for him..... hummmmmm....

jules said...

Well, look at it this way, you've always got the kid for reserves. You can sell the little future jailbird (thus sparing yourself years of expensive legal fees) or use him for spare parts. Oh, and thanks for serving our country so "diligently".~pshaw~

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyckerson is not amused.

Mel & Seigo said...

Hey....so you're B-? So's am I!! Guess what? The doctor just gave me the news that when I give birth he won't have any stocks of my/our precious blood....so...

Anyway, once you get all those donations coming in, maybe you can send some blood my way?

Come on Karla - it's the least you can do!!

Ken said...

Nice how you're able to handle bad news like that with such a light sense of humor. Hopefully things work out for you with the whole thing since my data may have been one of those compromised when that damn laptop was lost. Didn't know you were a veteran. Looks like we have something in common. Only difference is, whoever tries to use my personal data for gain will probably result in him going to jail or having his stuff repo'd since my stuff isn't exactly squared away. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Hey Karla,
Great sense of humor! I got the letter from the VA, too. While I'm not in a position to contribute to the Karla Invitational, I can suggest some protection: Try equifax.com. Yes, they charge, but they offer fraud protection, credit monitoring, and access to the big three to see where you stand.
As for medical records, well, if anyone wants my medical history and show up at the hospital they'll be immediate donors anyway, so they're in for a free stomach pump, intestinal resection, transfusion and urethral scrape. That should fix 'em....

:)

Keep up the funnies.

Chief Slacker said...

I'd donate my liver, but after years of drinking you'd proably only get a year or two of use out of it ;O)

AnonymousCoworker said...

I have your information. I bought it from a guy on ebay. I'll sell it back to you for a cut of your cocaine trafficking profits.

the belligerent intellectual said...

Between you and Prince Jarwahneta, heir to the Somalian Throne, who needs my help settling his father's will, I'm not going to have much left for chemo this month :(

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Okay, babe, I got a kidney for you. But hell with you if I gotta provide the ice. If you got some ice, send it to me right away (postpaid, please). (Will you mind if I nip a little off the top for my bourbon and water?)

Pioneer Woman said...

Thank you for fighting for our country! I'm sure you typed memos with all the fervor of those vets before you!!!! :)

Margaret said...

So, are you potentially stavring and homeless because there's someting in those STD tests to prevent you from prostituting yourself?

Beeb said...

You forgot to set up a fund for the little and all the trouble he'll be going through too!

psquared said...

Dear Karla:

I noticed that your son has the most beautiful blue eyes. I would ask if he got them from you, or the father, but I can see from the photos that you still have your eyes and I’ve never been certain if you know who Jakes father really might be.

Best
psquared

P.S. I have taken your advice and turned to drinking.

Just Expressing Myself said...

You ought to have your own column someone - I just love reading your blog!

a fish on a bycicle said...

You've been taking the blue ones again haven't you?

Nocturnal said...

I seriously think you guys need "Need Money For Beer" cardboard signs. They are just too cool.

No need to fret, once Jakie passes the Bar Exams (assuming he makes it out alive of fraternity life), you two will be in hog heaven.

TGIF KB.

Becky said...

gosh stupid people trying to steal veteran crap! My husband was in the Air Force and we got the same notice and took all the precautions...hope all is okay!

Trouble said...

You are too precious for words, so in lieu, I harvested a spleen from a transient for you… It’s a little banged-up, but I’m sure it still works… I didn’t have enough money for Fed-Ex, so I sent it 1st class mail, should be there in a week or so… And don’t worry, it’s in a zip-lock…

doggerelblogger said...

Um, isn't a no-foam latte just a coffee with a whole bunch of milk in it?

tfg said...

I would consider donating my favorite appendage, but I wouldn't wish such a burden on anyone.

Dear AL said...

I would donate some money if my records wasn't stolen, but thanks for the idea, Karla!

I make a bet these criminals who stole our records will hit us shortly before the coming November elections, along with the Bird Flu!

***Taking medication***

shelly said...

Why can't people actually go out and work and earn their own credit? Oh I forgot the key word is work. They don't actually want o have to do that! By the way they are all my own teeth. Very impressive coming from a native Virginian huh? Take care.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I think they found it.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060630/tc_nm/crime_usa_veterans_dc

rob rob the party slob said...

I knew you had some army in ya. I bet you were one of those marginally attractive girls who became a total whore when she signed up. It's amazing that a girl's Hot value doubles just because there is a shortage. If you were a 4 going in, all of a sudden because of said shortage, you're an 8 I totally have you pegged