Sunday, August 06, 2006

And the prize for "Most Unusual Birthday Gift" goes to...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: The best part about birthdays isn't the presents.

Well, I mean, unless you've got incredibly rich friends who give you sports cars and tropical vacations as gifts. In that case, the presents might be the best part about birthdays. But in my case, considering my most "affluent" friends are the ones who aren't currently living in dumpsters, it's totally true: The gifts aren't the best part. The best part is being surprised by how many people remember it's my birthday, and actually care. My birthday was August 1st, and for about the span of a week, I was repeatedly surprised by how many people made a point to wish me "Happy Birthday," whether by calling, emailing, text messaging, or sending their Cambodian servant boy to my door with a fruit basket.

(I was kidding about the dumpster thing. My friends mostly all have jobs and homes. No way would a person be able to afford a Cambodian servant boy if they didn't even have enough money to pay their own rent. Oh, sure, I know what you're thinking: "Cambodian servant boys come cheap, right? I mean, if they're paid at all, it's probably slave wages," and yes, of course that's true. But you still have to feed and clothe them, and that takes money, buster. Believe me, I've done the math. Hoo boy, have I done the math.)

So yes, a touching array of birthdays wishes, and heck, some really, really great gifts thrown in there as well. It would have been an excellent birthday if it ended there, but no! This year brought one extra surprise that I bet none of you got this year for your birthdays. See, up to this point, you've been reading along and thinking, "Yeah, yeah, big deal. I get calls and emails and I get gifts on my birthday, too. So you've got friends; join the club. This post sucks. I came here to read something that doesn't sound exactly like a paragraph from my own life." Patience, asswipe. Read on.

I had just made my way out of bed on the morning of my birthday, and was crawling on my hands and knees toward the coffee pot when the doorbell rang. My hand, outstretched toward the coffee filters, retracted like a slingshot as I assumed the fetal position and commenced trying to wedge myself under my fridge, whimpering like a dog. When the doorbell rings that early, it can only be johnny law coming to take me back to jail for yet another parole violation. My mind raced. How the hell did they find out I've been trafficking in Cambodian slaves? Who snitched? I knew I shouldn't have trusted that guy with the eyepatch, the one who called himself, "Chainsaw Mike." Who gives themselves nicknames like that? Rat bastard.

But my fears were put to rest once I low-crawled to the window and peeked through the blinds to see the FedEx truck. So I wasn't going back to prison after all. But still, I was perplexed. I hadn't ordered anything recently. As I accepted the envelope from the courier, I wondered, "What in God's name can this be?" For someone to spend $20 to send something to me Priority Overnight, it must be very important. Did a relative die? Is someone I love sick? Did I win a million dollars? Are my services urgently needed somewhere far away? Am I being summoned to appear in court? Did one of my exes test HIV positive? What the hell could be so important, so time sensitive?

Any guesses? Don't bother, you'd be wrong. Well, unless you guessed "cock soup," that is. Inside the envelope was this little birthday gift:


Yes, I have some very odd friends. The kind of friends who:

a) Are thoughtful enough to remember my birthday.
b) Spend a lot of time thinking about cock.
c) Are willing to spend $20 to make sure a 65 cent joke reaches its destination on time.

I don't know who conceived the idea of overnight shipping, but do you think this is what he had in mind? I picture him, whoever he was or is, feeling very self-important and do-gooderish. "Overnight shipping--this will revolutionize the way people live and do business! Important papers, transplant organs, money, prized possessions, pets, heirlooms, important projects--they can all be shipped overnight! This will save people money, earn people money, save time, save lives! And the best part: Packages of soup mix with funny-sounding double-entendre names can be shipped in just one day!"

So thank you, Wombat and Sally. I can honestly say I've never gotten an overnight delivery of cock.

Wait.

I mean, I can honestly say I've never gotten cock shipped to me via FedEx.

33 comments:

Caryn said...

Well, first of all, happy (belated) birthday! And, secondly, I always wondered just who used overnight Fed-Ex. Glad to have that cleared up.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Happy birthday, you crazy babbler! Remember your manners...don't slurp when you eat your cock.

miss kendra said...

authentic jamaican cock, no less.

i'm jealous.

puerileuwaite said...

Just make sure you use Tupperware. Especially if it smells fishy.

Mel said...

gotta love getting to belly crawl to grab your package of spicy cock first thing in the morning. ahhh....

Mr. Fabulous said...

About the Cambodian slaves...a couple would really come in handy around the house. If I give you a fax number, could you shoot me a price sheet?

jules said...

Gotta love the fact that FedEx will ship cock. I need to go call my Fed Ex guy right now. Happy Birthday.

Masked Mom said...

I don't envy those FedEx guys--one of them was delivering a tux to the shop where I work and had to move a gigantic tank of bull semen out of the way to get our box.

Antonio said...

Happy Bday! My birfday is this Saturday, but I doubt it will in anyway involve genitals.

Sudiegirl said...

Happy belated birthday 2 vous!

So what does cock soup taste like? Is it circumcised?

PS: feel free to add me to your blogroll if you feel i'm worthy.

:0)

atlien said...

Happy Birthday Karla! I also had my birthday (Aug 6th) but I didn't get anything nearly as interesting as jamaican cock, just the usual excessive amount of booze and other assorted party favors. Tell Kristina happy belated Birthday from an old friend in the ATL.

Dave Morris said...

Oh good, another opportunity to wish you a happy birthday.

Don't get up from the table until you've finished all your soup.

Sarita said...

Swallow that cock juice!

CommonWombat said...

a) You are of course very welcome.

b) The worst part about shipping cock is that you have to declare it. You know, the FedEx lady asks "Is there anything liquid or edible in here?"

"Well... That FedEx envelope is full of cock."

"I'm sorry?"

"That's an envelope full of cock you're holding. Does cock count as edible? Do you eat cock?"

Now she's looking sideways at the envelope. "What?"

"You're holding cock. That's my cock you're holding. I mean, it was mine, but I'm sending it to a friend. It's her birthday, and I thought she'd like some edible cock."

At this point there is shouting and kicking and handcuffs. I don't remember much about the next 48 hours. But I'm glad you liked your birthday cock.

blog Portland said...

Why is it that every time I come around this part of the Internet, you're talking about cock?

Mel said...

Wombat, your comments are almost as funny as karla's posts. i said ALMOST, karla..... dont get mad. your posts are still the funniest in all the land.

Humble Beginnings said...

Are you expected to share the cock with anyone else or are you going to hog it all to yourself?

Hale McKay said...

A very happy and very belated birthday to you, Karla. This post cracked me up, especially the FedEx delivery. LOL

babyjewels said...

And it's from Jamaica, so you know it'll be hardy.

Newlywife said...

I seriously shot water through my nose.

Holy crap that was funny!

ducklet said...

THIS is why when i'm in SE Asia i always order the Cambodian servant GIRL. 'Cause it's cheaper, and you know, it's usually a boy anyway.

Meh.

Maui said...

You crack me up...

Margaret said...

is that kosher cock?

BallerinaGurl said...

Is it too late to wish you a Happy Birthday? My servant boy is on vacation so you may not get your present in time, which I am still picking out. Hope that's ok! lol

Nocturnal said...

Heh, that's some posh gift-giving right there. Happy Birthday KB, hope you and the Hubbie put that cock present of yours to use and counted ceiling tiles for an hour or two.

Cheers

a fish on a bycicle said...

you really, really wanted a Cambodian servant boy didn't you?

Aza said...

Happy Belated Birthday!

Cock soup...That almost makes me wish I wasn't a vegetarian.

Sara said...

Happy Birthday!

The Bard of the Wood said...

Wait, is it called cock soup because of how the Cambodian servant boy stirs it?

gina said...

you just dont realize how lucky you are. (lol)

LisaBinDaCity said...

Yea, I have never gotten cock that way either.

"When it absolutely HAS to be there overnight..." ;-)

Happy Belated Birthday!

PhotoFill said...

haha that is funny!

...and yes, happy belated birthday!

Carl Weaver said...

A happy birthday to you, even though I am late and hadn't heard of you before yesterday. I am getting a kick out of your blog. Let me know how the Cambodian slave trade goes. I have been meaning to get in on that racket. I even saw Tom Bosley on a late-night infomercial talking about how anyone can get a piece of the action. The market is wide open!