Sunday, August 20, 2006

Dear Jackass, Volume 10

Dear Garage Sale Entrepreneur:

The very concept of the garage sale is ingenious. The idea that a person could simply drag his used, unwanted household items out to his front yard and dream up random prices for them, and the buying public would come to him, rather than him coming to them, is a dream come true. Hardly any effort involved on the seller's part, and yet the home gets a good de-cluttering and the homeowner makes a quick buck--and all in cash. A lazy man's dream! And one I embrace wholeheartedly. But let's establish some boundaries, in the name of common decency. Selling your old coffee maker? Acceptable. Selling your kid's outgrown shoes? No problem. Selling your germy bedsheets? ....O..kay, sure. I'll allow that, I guess. But selling your disgusting used panties? No, no, no, no, no, NO. I will not stand for it. Do you really need the ten cents that badly? Please, for God's sake, retain a small portion of your dignity and throw those tattered little bacteria traps in the trash rather than peddling them to your neighbors. And to those of you there who I've seen actually buying panties at garage sales...get away from my blog. You're permanently banned. Take that steaming crock pot of toxic microbes you're stewing up in your nether regions and stink up someone else's blog.


Dear Purchaser of Tiny Figurines:


True, I have a Rottweiler, and no, she's not the first or even the second Rottweiler I've ever owned. So yes, one could infer that I'm a fan of the breed. But where is it written that a person wants a house full of tiny replicas of the things they own in life size? I own a vagina, but I certainly wouldn't want an assortment of miniature vagina figurines scattered across the shelves in my home. What shall I do with this wee porcelain doggie lounging on a wee porcelain couch? Or this stack of fanciful Rottweiler notecards? What kind of bozo would I look like in this horrible Rottweiler t-shirt? And what about me makes you think I like porcelain figurines and cutesy notecards and garish t-shirts, anyway? Where will this end? Next you'll be giving me a jumbo box of Rottweiler tampons. Let's put an end to this before it gets out of hand.

Dear Hysterical Email Forwarder:

I'll confess. Each time I receive an email with a title like "PLEEEEASE REEEEAD!!" I toss it without bothering to open it. It's not so much because I don't have the time, or don't care enough (although both of those are also true), but mostly because your hysteria is unwarranted and self-centered, and wholly inappropriate. Calm down, for Christ's sake. Get a grip on yourself. And when did we decide that adding extra vowels to words made them more important? Well, I won't bow to it. I refuse to "reeeead" your stupid email. Instead, I deeeleeeete it cheerfully and swiftly. Now go fuuuuck yourself, Assswiiipe.

43 comments:

miss kendra said...

PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEEE REEEEEADDDD!

this comment has been forwarded to you because you are a beautiful and brilliant woman and also because jesus died for your sins.

if you don't forward this comment to 948508237 other bloggers by four seconds from now, your insides will melt into goo and drip out your eyeballs.

loooooooovvvvvveeee you!

Lulu said...

Tiny rottweiler... hilarious...

kim said...

So you're not interested in a vulva puppet?

http://www.yoni.com/loverf/vulvaintro.shtml

good thing I read this post before ordering your belated birthday gift.

J said...

kkuuuuuudddoooos. Well played.

puerileuwaite said...

Well, Karla, where do I go from here, then? And please don't respond with "someone else's blog other than mine".

Look, I didn't even modify "please" with extra vowels in a childish attempt to amuse/annoy you. I now know that you hate that.

In fact, I do all that I can to please you in ways that others cannot, and wouldn't dare to try.

And yet in return, you dengrate everything that I love. According to your perspective, my penchant for garage sales and the items that you mention is evidence of a flawed and undesirable personality. My very existence has been shaken to its foundation with your merciless chipping away at its cornerstone: garage sale figurines and used undergarments.

You have transformed me from happy-go-lucky garage sale vagabond into creepy trenchcoat guy. No longer able to hold my head up high, I now must conceal it in a ski mask of shame.

If you do realize how you have wronged me, and wish to apologize, please don't just send it to me. As proper atonement, i request that send it to everyone you know. And ask them to do the same.

I shall pray to my Hummel Nativity Scene for your soul.

bekah said...

Maybe you should start collecting little vagina pieces to one day have a vagina garage sale. That could make for some interesting signs to put up around the neighborhood, and even more interesting would be the people who show up.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

While I do not currently own a vagina, I do possess a collection of porcelain vagina figurines. I also have a collection of ceramic buttholes - I call it my ass menagerie.

Hale McKay said...

Very funny post. I have seen panties displayed on tables at yard sales. I've also seen BVDs and jock straps.

I have never seen anyone pick up these items, much less buy them, but I certainly hope i never do.

Antonio said...

Did they wash the panties before they put them up for sale? Because if not, I'd like to buy the whole collection.

AnonymousCoworker said...

Maybe the underwear were still clean. Maybe he just bought them for sniffing and they were all sniffed-out. Maybe he would have traded the underwear for your underwear for a new sniffing experience.

Try not to judge people so much.

CommonWombat said...

Please send all of your vagina-shaped figurines and vagina-related artwork and gifts to me. I'll mail them back to you in 4-6 weeks thoroughly humped. It's just one of the many sevices I supply to my friends. You can thank me later.

Margaret said...

I don't think you can sell vagina merchandise at a garage sale. You have to donate those things to Catholic charities.

karen! said...

I love to read your stuff and smile! You say it like it is!
And wow, the comments you get!

Tiggerlane said...

Okay...after checking out the "vulva puppet," I think rather than being healed, I am emotionally scarred.

And, since I don't own a penis (except my husband's), does that explain my collection of replicas?

And it could be worse. Here in Arkansas, people actually buy USED MAKEUP at yard sales. Talk about bacteria! YECK! (Oh and used panties, too - that's nothing around here.)

Rachel and Zach said...

You are far more tolerant of garage salers than I am. I take it as a personal insult that people think that anyone would want to buy their crappy crappy shit... panties, broken appliances, WHATEVER. I think we should start a garage sale quality control unit... offenders will be forced to wear second-hand panties.

Just Expressing Myself said...

The post as always was absolutely brilliant - the comments almost as hilarious!
Take care,
Frances

Mel said...

vulva puppets. dear God. we truly HAVE run out of new things to make or invent

Nocturnal said...

Used drawers... I'll take the fine oak version of that NINstead.

As for Rottweilers, nobody is breaking N2 your house without a piece of their ass missing for sure.

With regard to your SPAM, keep up the longshorewoman dialogue; it rocks KB.

Cheers

It's Me, Maven... said...

Absolutely loved this post! Absolutely!

Pure reading enjoyment, Karla!

tfg said...

This post has inspired me. Tomorrow I'm going to file a patent for miniature, bite-sized vagina shaped raviolis and call them Vaghettioes.

Dave Morris said...

I should send you a photo of my collection of below-average-sized cocks. All made of "bone" china, of course.

n!ta said...

ahhhh

i've soooooo missed you ;)

and where *would* one shop for tiny vaginas if one wasn't so opposed to the idea?!

Chief Slacker said...

I thankfully have never come across a Garage Sale with underwear beign sold. I would most likely be force to buy everything in the proximity after vomiting on them.

As for the email thing I always like to read it, find out how entriylu false it is, and then send the information proving said fallacies back to the owner so they learn how stupid they are.

Kell said...

I sooo waaant to collect ceramic vaginas now.

Frankie B said...

are these ceramic vaginas full scale replicas????

It's Me, Maven... said...

PS: This post reminds me of an article in the news a few years back about how Macys and Victoria's Secret were accepting underpants to be returned, and rather than disposing of them, they re-tagged them and hung them back up for resale... the problem? There were tests performed on these undies which proved that they were worn before.

Remember ladies, always do a pre-emptive sniff test before purchasing panties (or bathing suits). The cooter you save could be your own.

John said...

Let me know if you're having a garage sale to sell your panties anytime soon. I'll make the trip.

Needtsza said...

i used o be a fan of the garage sale. now Craigslist.com has become my friend.

Less work.

gina said...

omg what kind of google search key words are you going to get from these comments?? do share once this comes to pass. thanks in advance

Crunchy BC said...

Regarding the underwear, there is the possibility that a genetic scientist was collecting DNA to create a race of redneck trash which he could enslave and force to drive cars in circles at lethal speeds.

That, or is was my dad. Either way, it's horrible.

SFChick74 said...

Macy's resold underwear? Ack! I knew there was a reason I liked to buy all my underwear sealed in plastic at Target.

Violet said...

That's Ah-sweep-ay!!!

Loved the post! Hate garage sales.

Jessica said...

God Dammit, Karla...and to think that I have spent the last several weeks perfecting the ceramic vagina I have been creating for you in my Wednesday night pottery class!

delmer said...

I'm not great at holding garage sales, but I'm pretty good at giving things away I don't need ... and lately, matching stuff I don't want to people who might appreciate it more has become too much work.

So I've take to sitting things out by my trash cans the day the trash is collected by the local G-Men. That way it has a week to impress people who drive by. People who might want it more. People who need an old chest freezer ... a slightly used garbage disposal ... and, most recently (last night) some sort of decorative wheel barrow thing I found in the cellar.

Still up for grabs: A portable adult potty.

Tish said...

Um, my uncle LouLou (pronounced LU LU) buys all of his underwear at garage sales. And enema bags. And duct tape, so I don't know if there is a connection per se, but I don't go to his home either.
You crack me UP Karla.
We must meet and defy gravity.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I looooveee it when you goooo on a raaaant. As of you evvveer did anything ellllllse.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I get horse stuff every birthday and holiday, just because I have horses. And most of it AIN'T GOOD. So I feel your pain on the dog statues. I really do.

Trouble said...

Hmmm... I'm getting that you haven't yet come to grips with vaginas... Personally, I love vaginas... I even collect vaginas... They're not ceramic vaginas of course, that would be just silly... And pointless... My vaginas are mostly silicone, or some sort of a poly blend... The vaginas that are done by hand are the best... They're mostly replica vaginas... Modelled on real pornstars' vaginas...

I just relish the chance to write "vaginas" so many times...

Vaginas, vaginas vaginas...

Vaginas...

Kristen said...

Good lord, you've seen people selling underwear at garage sales?

Pleeeease say nooooooo!

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Why do people believe that if you have one of something, like a figurine of some sort, a person would want thousands.

You know the same people who buy panties at garage sales, buy figurines as gifts, and forward stupid emails are all the same people!

TexasGal said...

My mother-in-law is a professional garage saler. She boths has garage sales and shops at them regularly. I think she buys things at garage sales then resells them at hers. I guess it gives her something to do. Sometimes her little treasures make it to our house. Thankfully it's never been any of those "tasteful" items you mentioned! (Also at http://Texaslovescountry.blogspot.com)

justacoolcat said...

"are these ceramic vaginas full scale replicas???? "

Do you understand Texas women?

Let's just say they have their own gravity.

blog Portland said...

You'd be surprised how much used panties go for on eBay. Of course, you have to replace "my 52 year old neighbor" with "spring break hottie" or "Jessica Biel," but I'm already buying used panties at garage sales, so any concept of morals was lost on me long ago.