Thursday, August 31, 2006

Where can I get a 55-gallon drum of hand sanitizer?

Looking at this photo of a telephone, where would you assume the telephone was located?

The break room of the local Jiffy Lube?
The Greyhound Bus terminal in downtown Detroit?
A hog farm in Kansas?
The slums of El Salvador?
War-torn Croatia?

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, and also wrong. The telephone in that photo is in my workplace. Which is not (because you were about to ask, weren't you?) the Greyhound Bus terminal in downtown Detroit, but an otherwise clean and normal-looking office building in the reasonably shiny and attractive Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex.

Go ahead, have another look:

Shocking, isn't it? More shocking is the fact that I'm the only one who seems horrified or even cognizant of this grime. My coworkers don't even notice the ample filth on this and every telephone in the building, nor do they notice that the receiver often actually emits a stench when you hold it near your face. But then, it would smell bad, wouldn't it? Considering it's coated in more microbes than a coke bottle floating in the sewer, and can safely be assumed to be a breeding ground for at least 14 new viruses as well as 27 established ones.

Bizarre side note: I just looked on Thesaurus.com for a synonym for dust, and it came up with "Mormon rain." Um...may I just take a moment to inquire: What the fuck?

The odd thing is I personally clean this phone on a regular basis, driven to do so by my survival instinct. How can this much muck accumulate again so quickly? It seems to defy the laws of nature, and yet there must be an explanation I'm missing.

Could one of my coworkers be a scarecrow, accidentally scattering dust on the phone every time he answers a call, and I've just been too self-absorbed to notice?

Is the building I work in eroding at an accelerated speed, scattering a mist of sediment from the ceiling so fine that I don't even see it?

Do homeless people parade in here in groups of 40 and 50 at a time just before my shift starts, each taking turns using the phone?

Or is someone screwing with me?

You tell me. I demand answers.

Bizarre side note #2: When I did the Blogger spell check of this post, it advised me to change the word "sanitizer" to snatcher. May I just take a moment to inquire: Where can I get a 55-gallon drum of hand snatcher?

47 comments:

Crazy MomCat said...

This is hilarious, as usual. Actually, I'm going to nominate it for a Perfect Post over at Suburban Turmoil and Petroville. Check out my site for more info if you need it...and thanks for capping of a long August with a good laugh!

tinyhands said...

You need a phone-cozy. Get to knittin!

andy said...

We-hell, Carla, I happen to have handy an ample amount of hand snatcher. This reminds me of a story where my wife was typing a last name (Bunhoff) and the computer asked, "Did you mean bunghole?" Ahh.

Nicely done, as always. I'm continually impressed.

Sara said...

You always make me laugh! Thank you!!
As for the phone? Could it be bad make up? Maybe tell the ladies in your office about bare minnerals, it looks like make up but it doesn't feel like make up and it doesn't come off on the phone!
morman rain? I prefer smut.
Sanitizer, snatcher it's all the same to me.

LadyBugCrossing said...

LOL!! I'm visiting from Crazy Momcat. She's absolutely right - this is a perfect post if I ever read one!!
Congrats!
LBC

Steve Luth said...

Karla, I work in the Dallas metro-plex and my phone is clean....so you must have devious people trying to screw with your life. Please try to get your phone cleaned up, our whole city is depending on you.

Thanks.

little miss sunshine said...

The phone at my old job was like this one.... occasionally i would wipe it with a lysol wipe and people would look at me like I had OCD..... so I quit...they can keep their stinky, dirty phone.

Mel said...

i always keep my phone gooey and covered with makeup. it ensures that nobody else will use it and infect it with their germs.

hapabukbuk said...

haha! i have to sanitize (ie snatchatize) the phone before the start of every work day. and so it goes for shared workplaces, no? people are dirty bastards...

AnonymousCoworker said...

Blogger spellcheck also doesn't recognize this list of simple words:

blog
blogger
blogging
felching
pickledick
tubesteak-yumyums

puerileuwaite said...

"Mormon Rain" was the original working title for Prince's breakout album. He changed it when he discovered that Mormons don't ride motorcycles.

And could it be that your phone gets dirty from all the dirty, nasty calls that you place to my work number? See, now MY phone is equally filthy.

psquared said...

Karla – you dirty phone whore.

So this is your job? Maybe you will recognize my voice from the hours I’ve spent calling one of your phone services. Next time I call, you can leave out the description of “what you are doing” or “what you are wearing.” We both know the nasty things they have happened to and on that phone.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sorry for the dirty phone, Babbler. I've been dialing with my penis.

Mel said...

just started a new entry on my blog, and my auto fill is on. when i typed in the letter "C" it autofilled with "Charlie Cleavage".... WTF? i dont even KNOW anyone named charlie. and certainly dont want to know a charlie who has cleavage.

miss kendra said...

my new favorite phrase is mormon rain.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I refuse to use anyone else's phone just for this reason. I am not as bad as my ex-office mate though, who wiped hers down with Clorox wipes before she would speak into it EVERY TIME.

mindy said...

ok.. that's just gross.. what are they doing while on the phone...

CommonWombat said...

I'm pretty sure that's asbestos. Lick it off the phone every day and see if it gives you brain cancer.

Nocturnal said...

I think they just gave you a male phone KB, we're all slobs.

Cheers

Hale McKay said...

Mormon Rain refers to the fierce dust storms the Mormons endured when they traveled west to settle in Utah. It's also called "Devil's snow."

delmer said...

At least it doesn't look like your coworkers are taking advantage of the company phone and making a lot of long distance calls.

Management's got to love that.

Tiggerlane said...

LOL!!! Fantastic post!

Karlababble, you're always worth waiting for.

I actually feel better that the phones in my office (orifice) are caked with makeup from my crew. At least I can identify it! (I mean, that looks like DANDRUFF or some-odd shit there that is flaking off someone's FLESH, which is just too much after 3 apple-martinis.)

Okay, I'm going on a phone inspection and cleaning first thing Tuesday.

Great post!

Jodi said...

"Could one of my coworkers be a scarecrow, accidentally scattering dust on the phone every time he answers a call, and I've just been too self-absorbed to notice?"

That is the most plausible explanation EVER! :)

It's Me, Maven... said...

I can't believe anyone handles that phone without benefit of a pair of surgical gloves.

Um?

Lysol?

STAT!!

PS: The only way that picture could be "improved" (if improved could be used herein), would be with the inclusion of a gob of ear wax on the receiver. And yes. I encountered that once. How filthy can your ear BE, and how hard would you hold the phone to your head by which to get a vapor lock thus sucking the aforementioned gob OUT?

Thanks, Karla! I almost fully repressed that memory!

gina said...

that is disgusting!!!! you need some of those bleach wipes with you all the time!!! EWW

ducklet said...

you went through all the trouble of this blog post just to come up with an excuse as to why you never return my phone calls.

that is so sweet.

but you can't hold out forever, karla.

angie said...

Looks like grease to me--jheri juice, or some other kind of hair grease.

Crashtest Comic said...

Hilarous--slightly sickening but hilarious.

No wonder my keyboard keys stick together.

Great site!

www.crashtestcomic.com

twobuyfour said...

Very funny post. I can certainly sympathize. I recently took over a new job from some guy who was apparently inept and filthy judging by the way the workplace in a shambles and is covered in filth. I cleaned the phone and computer the first day and was looked at as if I had three heads. "Hello? I can't hear you through the previous employee's layers of scum built up on the phone!"

Caryn said...

Okay, that was disgusting. I hated sharing the phone at the place where I used to work, and was thrilled when we each got our own extension. If that isn't likely, though, you can invest in wet wipes with bleach. Or a pair of latex gloves and a surgeon's mask. Your choice.

aislebcnu said...

Still laughing. Very funny, Karla!

tfg said...

It's real simple, you need to lay of off the ready-rock before dialing.

blog Portland said...

This is exactly why I carry disposable gloves and dental dams with me at all times.

Cakesy's Mama said...

I am so upset by that picture, and further upset to reveal that I really think that looks like SKIN FLAKES of some kind. Perhaps some kind of mini-dustbuster (mormon-rain-buster) would be appropriate in this case? But then you would have to empty it somewhere and OH GOD the HUMANITY.

Aza said...

It appears to be scalp flakeage or maybe some sort of former fluid that is now dried and flaking.

Yeah, my vote is for dandruff.

I’d leave a note on it...

“If you did not properly wash your body today, you do not need to touch this phone. Should you choose to disregard this note, I will find out who you are. I will wait until you leave the office and then wipe my ass with every unlicked envelope within your desk.”

Kristen said...

Blech. People are just gross, that's all there is to it. We're just a bunch of walking grime factories, apparently.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

The only drums of that size I know about are filled with whoopass. Maybe somebody let some out on your phone?

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Where the hell do you work? Waste Management?

Dave Morris said...

Is this the phone on YOUR desk, or the one the dancers use upon exiting the pole area/stage, just inside the dressing room door?

Carl Weaver said...

Mormon Rain? WTF?

Actually, this dirty phone is your friend. Through exposure to all those bacteria you are actually getting more and more immune to various diseases through low-level exposure.

tigger said...

People are stupid. Period.

Stacie said...

My workphone was like this all the time too, I used to get alchohol wipes out of the first aid box on the wall and clean the phone with it once a week. It was so nasty, I was sure I was going to get some kind of incurable phone muck disease. EW! Stacie

Sudiegirl said...

Yeah, hand sanitizer in the pump as well as alcohol wipes are a good plan.

I remember when I worked as a customer service representative and the company was so rinky-dink we had to (ugh) share headphones. Seriously...we had to clean the mouthpieces and everything.

I think that's a bit too personal an item to share, without a doubt.

*gets heebie-jeebies*

Sudiegirl

Karla said...

It looks like someone with dandruff uses that phone regularly.

Spaceman Spiff said...

I think Pig-pen is all grown up and instead of hanging with a fat and bald Charlie Brown is actually working in your office as a janitor. He calls 900 numbers from your phone because everyone just knows and accepts what kind of a freakazoid you are so there is no chance of him getting found out.

Nicole said...

I had our department secretary order me the largest canister I could find of industrial-strength disinfecting wipes for this very purpose. May have had something to do with the shocking expose I saw on Good Morning America about how germy our phones are. Ick!

SFChick74 said...

Ugh! That picture makes me itch. It also makes me want to dip all my phones in Clorox.