Meet Jade.
She's a female Rottweiler. Sweet, mild-mannered and affectionate, she doesn't bark, jump up, dig or attempt to kill my neighbors. She doesn't beg for food when we eat in front of her. She's no use as a guard dog because of her propensity for licking intruders, but her charm outweighs her shortcomings. She doesn't attempt to get on the furniture or chew up my shoes, and even people who profess not to be "dog people" love her. I've had her since she was 5 weeks old, which was 11 years ago. I trained her myself, and she lives in the house with us. She and I haven't been apart for more than a few days since she was weaned. I love her very much.

Meet Jake.
He's a Caucasian male. Incredibly sweet, and generally fun to be around, he loves Mickey Mouse and my pajama pants with monkeys on them. He's quick to alert us when there's a ball in the vicinity, by pointing at it for about half an hour and shouting "Baaaaa!!!!" over and over, lest we forget or in case we've gone deaf. He's a picky eater who hates having his nose wiped, but his good traits outweigh the bad. He never pees in the bathtub, and has yet to throw any of his belongings or mine into the toilet. He's gentle with pets, and no longer bites me when I'm hugging him. He's fun to tickle. I've had him since he was born 19 months ago, and we haven't been apart more than a few hours since he was forcibly ejected from my hoo-ha. I love him very much.

The two of them, Rottweiler and Caucasian male, get along swimmingly. Neither has bitten the other, and neither has tried to steal food from the other. I never have to break up skirmishes between them or threaten to pick up one of them to beat the other one with. It would seem to be a perfect situation...and yet.

The other day I happened to round the corner just in time to catch Jake on his hands and knees, dipping his face into the dog's water bowl. From what I could tell, he was genuinely shocked to discover how unrewarding the experience was. He gasped and snapped his head up, and if he could talk, I imagine he would have confessed to me that it looked a lot more fun when he saw Jade doing it.

Cute story, right? Not really. Here's what the aforementioned water bowl looked like that day:

I'd like to blame the filth on this... ...and surely some of the blame lies therein, but I know it's my job to clean and properly maintain that water bowl. I'm a bad dog owner, and now my son has cooties as a result of my laziness. So I accept the blame. But the problem remains: I can't keep this kid now. He's been soiled. And yes, goofball, I bathed him. He's had several baths since this horrifying event took place. But who am I kidding? This kind of filth can't be washed away.

Several months ago I tried to get rid of Jake for what I considered a very fair price:

Obviously, he didn't sell, and now his value has plummeted thanks to his recent dip the petri dish. So now I offer you:

Free To A Good Home: One Caucasian male. No need to provide proof of a good home. Your word is good enough. Please come pick him up ASAP.

Labels: The Karlababble Household