Monday, September 11, 2006

A tough decision was made.

Meet Jade.
She's a female Rottweiler. Sweet, mild-mannered and affectionate, she doesn't bark, jump up, dig or attempt to kill my neighbors. She doesn't beg for food when we eat in front of her. She's no use as a guard dog because of her propensity for licking intruders, but her charm outweighs her shortcomings. She doesn't attempt to get on the furniture or chew up my shoes, and even people who profess not to be "dog people" love her. I've had her since she was 5 weeks old, which was 11 years ago. I trained her myself, and she lives in the house with us. She and I haven't been apart for more than a few days since she was weaned. I love her very much.

Meet Jake.
He's a Caucasian male. Incredibly sweet, and generally fun to be around, he loves Mickey Mouse and my pajama pants with monkeys on them. He's quick to alert us when there's a ball in the vicinity, by pointing at it for about half an hour and shouting "Baaaaa!!!!" over and over, lest we forget or in case we've gone deaf. He's a picky eater who hates having his nose wiped, but his good traits outweigh the bad. He never pees in the bathtub, and has yet to throw any of his belongings or mine into the toilet. He's gentle with pets, and no longer bites me when I'm hugging him. He's fun to tickle. I've had him since he was born 19 months ago, and we haven't been apart more than a few hours since he was forcibly ejected from my hoo-ha. I love him very much.

The two of them, Rottweiler and Caucasian male, get along swimmingly. Neither has bitten the other, and neither has tried to steal food from the other. I never have to break up skirmishes between them or threaten to pick up one of them to beat the other one with. It would seem to be a perfect situation...and yet.

The other day I happened to round the corner just in time to catch Jake on his hands and knees, dipping his face into the dog's water bowl. From what I could tell, he was genuinely shocked to discover how unrewarding the experience was. He gasped and snapped his head up, and if he could talk, I imagine he would have confessed to me that it looked a lot more fun when he saw Jade doing it.

Cute story, right? Not really. Here's what the aforementioned water bowl looked like that day:

I'd like to blame the filth on this... ...and surely some of the blame lies therein, but I know it's my job to clean and properly maintain that water bowl. I'm a bad dog owner, and now my son has cooties as a result of my laziness. So I accept the blame. But the problem remains: I can't keep this kid now. He's been soiled. And yes, goofball, I bathed him. He's had several baths since this horrifying event took place. But who am I kidding? This kind of filth can't be washed away.

Several months ago I tried to get rid of Jake for what I considered a very fair price:

Obviously, he didn't sell, and now his value has plummeted thanks to his recent dip the petri dish. So now I offer you:

Free To A Good Home: One Caucasian male. No need to provide proof of a good home. Your word is good enough. Please come pick him up ASAP.

39 comments:

CommonWombat said...

It's a shame to see a cool kid like Jake get lumped onto the huge-and-ever-growing list of things that have been forcibly ejected from your hoo-hah. If that doesn't give a kid a complex, I don't know what will.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Aha!!!! The Dyckerson influence is rubbing off on you! I caught you stealing two words from my recent Mouth post: HOO-HA and SWIMMINGLY. Coincidence?? I think not.

BTW, I'll take the kid. Has he had all his shots?

Crazy MomCat said...

Reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite 80s movies, Better Off Dead.

"Now that's a damn shame when people go throwing away a perfectly good white boy like that." (Or in your case, giving away one!) HA!

Jenn said...

If I were you, I'd keep him until he decides to copy the dog in yet another manner and develops the filthy habit of licking his privates....in front of everyone.

Then I'd pay the gypsies to take him away.

Walker said...

LOL to funny.
You better hope he doesn't mimmic the dog in everyway and the dog doesn't have a leg humping habit.
It could be interesting if your MIL found out one day

Hmm I could trade you for a 2 year old caucasion female that knows how to fluch jewelry down the toilet.
A female flushing jewelry down the toilet would probably make her defective to.LOL
Have a nice day

AnonymousCoworker said...

How about this? I'll pay for shipping if y ou promise to punch some holes in the box.

andy said...

Dude, that just made me realize that today is half-off Bakery day at the Food4Less. Thanks for the reminder.

Spaceman Spiff said...

The dog has been fine drinking from the bowl for 11 years. What makes you think Jake won't be fine as well. I say as long as he limits the bowl drinking to the one on the kitchen floor and not the one in the bathroom with the tank on it, let good enough alone.

Besides, no one wants a free kid. People want the high priced name brand kid. If he was Ralph Lauren's illegitimate love child or a clone then he's be priceless. I suggest that you post an ad on e-bay with the special talents and alien abduction inspired superpowers he has, and watch the bids roll in.

Needtsza said...

cute pup. . . . and child.

Cakesy's Mama said...

Maybe we can shuttle our children off to some foreign country, where they might accept those who have been dipped in dogwater and/or injested cat food?

Mel said...

whaddya mean you have to 'clean and properly maintain the water bowl'?? really? my dog drinks out of the gutter and i sure as hell ain't cleanin THAT out. as long as the water is still somewhat in liquid form, he's good to go in my book.

(kidding of course. my dog only drinks evian)

karla said...

Dyckerson: You've also used the phrase, "I love cock" liberally throughout your blog posts, and I've never lifted that one, so there's no reason to assume the two words in question were stolen from you, either.

miss kendra said...

has he been de-wormed?

Stacie said...

He's a doll, I'd take him, I really would, but mine are almost out of the house now and I have little interest in starting over again at my age. If you don't find any takers though, I guess I could take him for awhile, just until you get another offer. Does he do dishes or mow lawns? I mean, if the kids gotta stay here, he's gonna have to earn his keep...
:P

Stacie

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tfg said...

I still think it's worse that my mom had me bob for apples in the litterbox.

Maui said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mighty Dyckerson said...

Babbler, you know I was talking about chickens when I said that. Now when do I get the kid? 'Cause my back needs shaving...

puerileuwaite said...

One eviction per year. Pees in the tub. Drinks from the doggie bowl. I'll take him, Karla, seeing how he is already reliving my life and all.

Kristen said...

Hahaha! I love reading posts about Jake. I never know what to expect.

Stella Haven said...

I thought I knew where this was going, and I didn't, and I'm glad. I couldn't stop laughing. Thank you.

Hale McKay said...

This was too funny. It6's a good thing the dog was drinking out of the toilet and Jake tried to copy that!

delmer said...

Kudos to the not-peeing-in-the-tub accomplishment.

66% of the caucasian males I own pooped in the tub (not at the same time) when they were younger.

Nocturnal said...

I think U2 need go get Jakie's little sister action going first, then have a two for one sale.

You'd make bundles.

Cheers

TinaPoPo said...

I'll take him.

We have one of those automatically refreshing waterbowls and so he'd be fairly safe crawling around in our house. As long as he stays away from the litter box, we'll be just find and toxin-free.

natalie said...

There must be something useful for Jake to do....Windows? Taxes? Dishes?

Why else do people have children?

mindy said...

my son points to the tub and says "potty"?

SafeTinspector said...

I think my daughter would enjoy having this male model for a playmate.
How about transport arrangements?

karen! said...

Can't you just mail him to me using UPS?

~TVS said...

Good choice ;-)

very funny post!

Maui said...

You CRACK me up.
DAYMN!

Maui

Antonio said...

Cute story and pics.

Anne Glamore said...

Does he scavenge for crumbs under the bleachers at baseball games? I don't mind the dog water, but eating someone else's muddy Sour Straws is a deal-breaker.

moderator said...

If you're looking for pedophiles to take him off your hands, go no further than Belgium. Of course, when that tsunami hit about 5,000 of them died but I bet the number has risen back to normal levels. People over there get tired of urinating in each other and move on to new things.

Crunchy BC said...

Tempting, but no thanks. I'm actually in the market for a 17 year old southeast asian girl, so if you come across any deals...

Just Expressing Myself said...

It must have been a tough decision.
Some kids just have stale albums and a box of macaroni necklaces and teddy bears to represent their childhoods. Your son on the other hand - well he'll have something special.
As always a pleasure visiting your blog.
You gotta take your act on the road kid,
Frances

Jonathan America said...

Theres nothing funny about selling babies.

karla said...

Jonathan: You're so right. That's why I ultimately decided to just give him away. That's much funnier.

trisha said...

Dear K,

I want to email you.

The End.

Love,
Trisha