Sunday, September 24, 2006

Love me, Daddy

Recently I spotted this article entitled Five Tips to Increase Your Likeability.

At first, I dismissed it. "This doesn't apply to me," I thought. "Who could be more likable than me?" But then I thought of you, my faithful readers, who keep coming back to this site time and time again to read what I've written...and then hurl malicious insults at me. You're as faithfull as hound dogs, but you're as vicious as piranas. Why is it, I wondered, that some bloggers have comment sections that read like award ceremony tributes, brimming with high praise and teary-eyed respect? Could it be that I am not as fabulous and lovable as I thought? That's when I realized that it couldn't hurt to try to increase my likeability, and thus perhaps turn my comments section into the ass-kisspalooza I so often see at other blogs.

Let's go over the main points of this article, and see how it might apply to me.

1. Be positive. The article asks, "Why do you have pet-peeves? What is the point of harboring all of these negative emotions? Be big enough to let them go."

Uh-oh. I can already see this is going to require a total personality overhaul. The kind that requires electroshock therapy, years of medication, and perhaps a partial lobotomy. So does this mean I'm no longer allowed to wish syphilis upon women who pee on public toilet seats? Can I no longer take potshots at my coworkers, my friends, my blog readers, little old ladies and newborn babies? What the hell will I blog about? I guess from now on, I will post only pictures of cute kittens, detailed recaps of TV shows I've watched in the past week, and famous poems that inspire me.

2. Control your insecurities. "Display your faults for all the world to see - mistakes are unifying characteristics which all humans can empathize with."

Okay, no one can accuse me of not displaying my mistakes. You can't say I haven't fastidiously detailed my many, many, MANY flaws for your review and consequent scorn, in my posts entitled 100 Things Wrong With Me Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, and Part 10. Should I delve deeper, and reveal even more flaws? Is that what it takes be liked? Fine, then. Here's another Thing Wrong With Me: I buy canned soup with meat in it, and then painstakingly pick out all the meat after I cook it. Every time. Every tiny little scrap of meat. Why? Because that's some very suspicious-looking meat. Why don't I just buy the kind without meat? Because that would rob me of the joy of picking out the meat. Now stop asking silly questions.

3. Provide value. The author makes this point: "Have you noticed that drug addicts and criminals often associate with each other? ....Start surrounding yourself with people of value " Sadly, that means I'll have to say goodbye to most of my friends and nearly everyone in my family, but I'm willing to do it to increase my likability. As for providing value, well, I'll start today. From here on out I vow to teach everyone I see each day, stranger or aquaintance, how to properly cook oatmeal.

4. Eliminate all judgments. "No one is above you and no one is below you. We are all....humans." Amen to that, brother, I've always said so. I think we can agree that was the whole point of my Dear Jackass posts.

5. Become a person of conviction. "This means saying 'no' to disrespect and letting the offending party know that he or she crossed the line with their comment and you did not appreciate it."

This one's tough. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to have convictions without being able to make judgments. However, I do like the idea of telling people off. I have already begun to practice shouting, "You, sir, have crossed the line!" as I angrily toss my head and slam my fist on the table. It feels rather good. This is sure to make people like me.

All in all, this personality makeover is going to be a whole lot easier than I thought. Just think, soon you will all love me! You'll begin stuffing my comments section with the highest praise and the sappiest words of adoration imaginable. Up til now, I've been the only person who adored me and marveled at my genius. Soon you'll all be clamoring for the title of Number One Fan. This is very exciting. Go ahead, start adoring me.

25 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don't change a thing, you crazy babbler. I love you just the way you are.

Although you may want to consider a boob job...

karla said...

Dyck:

Done! I didn't see that in the article, but hey, anything to increase my likeability.

Crazy MomCat said...

You are the most amazing writer and blogger of our times. Your words touch a place inside me like no other. You. Are. Awesome.

How's that? Asskissy enough? wink

tfg said...

Amazing, Dyck. Until now, I'd never seen a behind-the-back, no look, triple-axel, inverted split-S, half-pike heineysmooch.

I still don't think you're going to get to cut a slice, though.

Nocturnal said...

KB with a boob job, the world will be at your knees; especially your Hubbie.

"But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he he always wanted. He lived happily ever after."

Willy Wonka

Denise said...

Wow, now I like you even more! Keep up the good work! You are my blog-idol!

(How's that?)

andy said...

Dammit, I love you and Dyck. Such great banter + you stole my damn idea.

Looking back on it, that 1st sentence really sounds like a problem.

ducklet said...

Because I have the latest version of Photoshop (Photoshop XXX), I've seen your rack, and it's perfect. DO NOT MESS WITH THE GIRLS. In fact, my advice would be to close the blog down and meet me in Cabo. I hear conjugal visits are down to 200 pesos. Please bring a credit card (it doesn't have to be a REAL credit card since they still use carbon copy).

Lil Kate said...

I'm a relatively new reader, but I have to say, you must be doing something right to snag my attention.

*Pucker-smooch*

As for the whole "picking the meat out of the soup" thing - I can TOTALLY sympathize. The meat is questionable at best (even in the Campbells Select which is supposed to be all hoity-toity) and I always pick it out. I've taken quite a lot of ribbing for it at work, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one. ;)

puerileuwaite said...

Don't let them get you down. There is nothing wrong with picking at your meat. Why I alone can do it in two places at once.

And don't get me started on my "Wendy's chili ritual".

K. said...

to be honest, I didn't read past the sweet widdle pussums.

i guess you had me at "meow".

CommonWombat said...

No need for a boob job. Honestly. Big boobs are way overrated. I know, because no one seems to like MY big boobs.

Besides, if you're going to drop a couple of thousant bucks, spare your melons and buy me a big-ass plasma TV. I can absolutely guarantee you that doing so would vault you right to the top of my "People I adore list." And frankly, you need all the help you can get in that area. Right now you're not even in the top 20 on my "People I'd throw my ball cheese at" list.

CommonWombat said...

Did I say "Thousant" up there? That's like a thousand, only in Canadian money.

delmer said...

"ass-kisspalooza"

The mere fact that you have introduced me to the above word increases your likability quite a bit.

I intend to use it in confession this weekend.

Anonymous said...

You rawk.
That's all you get until you wear sweat pants with a thong.

Dustin said...

Blog readers don't want blog writers to be more likeably. We want our authors like we want our rock stars, rude and crazy. You need to be the people we can never be.

Or you could follow the duck's advice. Either solution will probably work.

Crunchy BC said...

At the risk of simply repeating your point (without all the pesky humor and sarcasm), who the fuck wants to be liked by people who like that kind of behavior?

rebcram said...

If I didn't love ya before, I do now after hearing about the soup meat. You? Nothing but charm.

Paul said...

I'm only here because my friend Neil said we were a perfect match.

Margaret said...

You've crpssed the line posting this! Now people are going to like you more than me.... Did that make you like me that I pointed out you'd crossed me or mot like me because I sound insecure?

Jessica said...

Start adoring you? But I never stopped.

(I *AM* your number one fan, Karla)

Miladysa said...

We are not worthy...

*bowing*

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

It always seems so easy when it is put on paper like that!

n!ta said...

um, did this 'article' come on a pamphlet from the Church Of Latter Day Saints?!

i get that shit stuffed in my door all the time ...

and you are perfect. if you were nicer, or more likeable, you wouldn't be as funny. and you don't live near me so i don't have to put up with your *actual* shit so i really do enjoy reading about it :)

honeykbee said...

I am positive that the squishfaced kitten has syphilis.