Recently I spotted this article entitled Five Tips to Increase Your Likeability.
At first, I dismissed it. "This doesn't apply to me," I thought. "Who could be more likable than me?" But then I thought of you, my faithful readers, who keep coming back to this site time and time again to read what I've written...and then hurl malicious insults at me. You're as faithfull as hound dogs, but you're as vicious as piranas. Why is it, I wondered, that some bloggers have comment sections that read like award ceremony tributes, brimming with high praise and teary-eyed respect? Could it be that I am not as fabulous and lovable as I thought? That's when I realized that it couldn't hurt to try to increase my likeability, and thus perhaps turn my comments section into the ass-kisspalooza I so often see at other blogs.
Let's go over the main points of this article, and see how it might apply to me.
1. Be positive. The article asks, "Why do you have pet-peeves? What is the point of harboring all of these negative emotions? Be big enough to let them go."
Uh-oh. I can already see this is going to require a total personality overhaul. The kind that requires electroshock therapy, years of medication, and perhaps a partial lobotomy. So does this mean I'm no longer allowed to wish syphilis upon women who pee on public toilet seats? Can I no longer take potshots at my coworkers, my friends, my blog readers, little old ladies and newborn babies? What the hell will I blog about? I guess from now on, I will post only pictures of cute kittens, detailed recaps of TV shows I've watched in the past week, and famous poems that inspire me.
2. Control your insecurities. "Display your faults for all the world to see - mistakes are unifying characteristics which all humans can empathize with."
Okay, no one can accuse me of not displaying my mistakes. You can't say I haven't fastidiously detailed my many, many, MANY flaws for your review and consequent scorn, in my posts entitled 100 Things Wrong With Me Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, and Part 10. Should I delve deeper, and reveal even more flaws? Is that what it takes be liked? Fine, then. Here's another Thing Wrong With Me: I buy canned soup with meat in it, and then painstakingly pick out all the meat after I cook it. Every time. Every tiny little scrap of meat. Why? Because that's some very suspicious-looking meat. Why don't I just buy the kind without meat? Because that would rob me of the joy of picking out the meat. Now stop asking silly questions.
3. Provide value. The author makes this point: "Have you noticed that drug addicts and criminals often associate with each other? ....Start surrounding yourself with people of value " Sadly, that means I'll have to say goodbye to most of my friends and nearly everyone in my family, but I'm willing to do it to increase my likability. As for providing value, well, I'll start today. From here on out I vow to teach everyone I see each day, stranger or aquaintance, how to properly cook oatmeal.
4. Eliminate all judgments. "No one is above you and no one is below you. We are all....humans." Amen to that, brother, I've always said so. I think we can agree that was the whole point of my Dear Jackass posts.
5. Become a person of conviction. "This means saying 'no' to disrespect and letting the offending party know that he or she crossed the line with their comment and you did not appreciate it."
This one's tough. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to have convictions without being able to make judgments. However, I do like the idea of telling people off. I have already begun to practice shouting, "You, sir, have crossed the line!" as I angrily toss my head and slam my fist on the table. It feels rather good. This is sure to make people like me.
All in all, this personality makeover is going to be a whole lot easier than I thought. Just think, soon you will all love me! You'll begin stuffing my comments section with the highest praise and the sappiest words of adoration imaginable. Up til now, I've been the only person who adored me and marveled at my genius. Soon you'll all be clamoring for the title of Number One Fan. This is very exciting. Go ahead, start adoring me.