I don't ask for much from you guys. Okay, sure, I ask you to read my self-important blather, and yes, I ask you to give me "just one more" break and not call Child Protective Services on me. And true, sometimes I ask you to let me stay at your house while I'm hiding out from the Feds. You almost never agree to that request, but it doesn't hurt to ask. But aside from that short list, I really don't ask you for much.

But I'm asking you for help now. Not because I think so highly of your opinion, or because you're someone I love and trust...but more because no one else will come through for me on this. You're all I've got, and that makes my prospects pretty sad.

Still, I beg you: Help me think of a good Halloween costume this year.

The fact that I'm turning to you at all shows how desperate I am. After all, I asked you for help last year, and frankly, your advice blew. And my costume ended up sucking, thanks to your lackluster efforts.

So why do I turn to you again this year? The answer is simple: I'm doing it for you. I hate to think of you feeling badly about yourself after last year's disappointing performance. I don't want you feeling like a failure as a friend. You can't truly flourish and improve as a person if you doubt your own abilities and creativity. So in a selfless effort to help you boost your self-confidence, I hereby entrust you with this challenge: Come up with a spectacular costume idea for me. Imagine how good you'll feel about yourself when you conquer this goal! Envision yourself achieving greatness, really stepping up to the plate to prove yourself to be more than you previously imagined you ever could be. This glorious bit of success could mark the turning point for you, the moment where your world opens up and you begin to understand and utilize the awesome power within you.

I want that for you; I truly do.

Let's review the mediocrity of costumes past:

Examining the above photos, two questions probably spring immediately to your mind:

1) What the hell is that costume in the bottom middle picture supposed to be?

2) And what's with the Bon Jovi hair?

Yeah, I have no idea what that costume was supposed to be. And as for the hair, all I can say is I drank a lot back then. But a quick glance at all the costumes reveals a sad lack of creative flair. Most of these so-called costumes are just glorified slut-suits. I don't have photos from the years I went as a 1920's flapper, or a cheerleader, or a pirate, but rest assured, those were glorified slut-suits as well. And don't get me wrong, I'm not above a slut-suit this year. I'd just like to be a little more creative with my costume, be it wholesome and virginal, or cheap and tawdry. Correction: I'd like you to be a little more creative.

In the more recent past, I've been limited by my desire to do "couples" costumes--which is only limiting in my case because Brian shouted a hearty "NO!" to almost every suggestion I brought forth. He didn't want to do anything complicated, uncomfortable, embarrassing or silly--which left us with few choices. Therefore, in 2005, I was a Catholic school girl and Brian was a priest. In 2004, I was a cop and he was a convict. In 2002, I was a groupie and he was a rock star. Holy shit, this list is making me fall asleep as I type it. Now that I think of it, you guys actually did come up with some good ideas last year, but it was Herr Brian who put the kibosh on almost every one, even though he submitted exactly zero ideas of his own. So this year, I'm scrapping the idea of a "couples" costume. I'm going to wear something fabulous, and he can fend for himself.

So you've got your work cut out for you, but it should be much, much easier than what I asked of you last year. I'll wear anything as long as:

a) I look adorable in it

b) I get big laughs from it, or

c) I can hide a fifth of tequila somewhere in it.

So put on your thinking caps. No internet-surfing this week: You've got a job to do. Now get out there and make your mama proud.

Labels: Get off your asses and help me