Tuesday, September 19, 2006

It's your chance to shine.

I don't ask for much from you guys. Okay, sure, I ask you to read my self-important blather, and yes, I ask you to give me "just one more" break and not call Child Protective Services on me. And true, sometimes I ask you to let me stay at your house while I'm hiding out from the Feds. You almost never agree to that request, but it doesn't hurt to ask. But aside from that short list, I really don't ask you for much.

But I'm asking you for help now. Not because I think so highly of your opinion, or because you're someone I love and trust...but more because no one else will come through for me on this. You're all I've got, and that makes my prospects pretty sad.

Still, I beg you: Help me think of a good Halloween costume this year.

The fact that I'm turning to you at all shows how desperate I am. After all, I asked you for help last year, and frankly, your advice blew. And my costume ended up sucking, thanks to your lackluster efforts.

So why do I turn to you again this year? The answer is simple: I'm doing it for you. I hate to think of you feeling badly about yourself after last year's disappointing performance. I don't want you feeling like a failure as a friend. You can't truly flourish and improve as a person if you doubt your own abilities and creativity. So in a selfless effort to help you boost your self-confidence, I hereby entrust you with this challenge: Come up with a spectacular costume idea for me. Imagine how good you'll feel about yourself when you conquer this goal! Envision yourself achieving greatness, really stepping up to the plate to prove yourself to be more than you previously imagined you ever could be. This glorious bit of success could mark the turning point for you, the moment where your world opens up and you begin to understand and utilize the awesome power within you.

I want that for you; I truly do.

Let's review the mediocrity of costumes past:

Examining the above photos, two questions probably spring immediately to your mind:

1) What the hell is that costume in the bottom middle picture supposed to be?

2) And what's with the Bon Jovi hair?

Yeah, I have no idea what that costume was supposed to be. And as for the hair, all I can say is I drank a lot back then. But a quick glance at all the costumes reveals a sad lack of creative flair. Most of these so-called costumes are just glorified slut-suits. I don't have photos from the years I went as a 1920's flapper, or a cheerleader, or a pirate, but rest assured, those were glorified slut-suits as well. And don't get me wrong, I'm not above a slut-suit this year. I'd just like to be a little more creative with my costume, be it wholesome and virginal, or cheap and tawdry. Correction: I'd like you to be a little more creative.

In the more recent past, I've been limited by my desire to do "couples" costumes--which is only limiting in my case because Brian shouted a hearty "NO!" to almost every suggestion I brought forth. He didn't want to do anything complicated, uncomfortable, embarrassing or silly--which left us with few choices. Therefore, in 2005, I was a Catholic school girl and Brian was a priest. In 2004, I was a cop and he was a convict. In 2002, I was a groupie and he was a rock star. Holy shit, this list is making me fall asleep as I type it. Now that I think of it, you guys actually did come up with some good ideas last year, but it was Herr Brian who put the kibosh on almost every one, even though he submitted exactly zero ideas of his own. So this year, I'm scrapping the idea of a "couples" costume. I'm going to wear something fabulous, and he can fend for himself.

So you've got your work cut out for you, but it should be much, much easier than what I asked of you last year. I'll wear anything as long as:

a) I look adorable in it

b) I get big laughs from it, or

c) I can hide a fifth of tequila somewhere in it.

So put on your thinking caps. No internet-surfing this week: You've got a job to do. Now get out there and make your mama proud.


~Tim said...

I saw something like this at a party a few years ago: You wear a nametag that says "Pumpkin" and have Brian wear a nametag that says "Peter". You can make the rest of the costume as wholesome or trashy looking (that gets my vote, especially since I want to see photos) as you want.

If you don't want to do a lot of explaining, his nametag can say "Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater...."


blog author said...

keeping with the name tag theme (a very easy costume to pull off at the last minute), he could go as Harry Balzonya and you could go as Ivana Cutchercockoff. Then, just dress appropriately (whatever that means).

i'll be checking back here tomorrow for suggestions for MY (i mean Karla's) halloween costume, so come on you slackers, get crackin!!

Paul Michael Peters said...

Steve Irwin
1) Fun Shorts to show off sexy legs

2) Funny if you hold your baby over croc

3) Poor taste if you have stinger in heart

4) You get to wear blonde wig.

Khali said...

dress the hubby as the devil and yourself as a pregnant nun. =P

puerileuwaite said...

Go as my date. This will make your attire irrelevant. The pity votes alone will net you "Best Costume".

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Go as Willie Nelson. And be sure to bring enough magic mushrooms for everyone!

Anonymous said...

I would recommend wearing something tasteful, mayhaps delve slightly into the realm of elegant..

Then wear this Plush Poop Hat.

tfg said...

Take Jake with you and dress like a Catholic priest. Oh wait, I guess that would be another glorified slut-suit.

Lil Kate said...

A creative one, but perhaps not up to your standards:
Blacken your eye and where a letter P - you're a "Black-eyed Pea"

Or, for the purposes of stashing a hip flask: a Greek (plenty of hiding room in the folds of that toga), or an Egyptian (again, some form of robe-y toga-y thing unless you go for that full-body-paint-suit idea from The Mummy. Can't hide much with that costume.

I've also heard rave reviews from any man who has been to a Halloween party with a Rainbow Bright girl. I don't know why, but they love it.

acw said...

This may take some effort, but fill a clear plastic trashbag with small, colorful, inflated balloons. Cut out leg and arm holes, and a head hole in the clear plastic bag.

You're a bag of jelly beans, and you can dress a slutty as you like underneath. Plus, there's plenty of room to hide a minibar.

Anonymous said...

Could anything be more creepy than dressing up like Wombat? (and I mean absolutely no offense to you, CW)

CommonWombat said...

No offense taken, Sarita. I dress like Wombat every day, and I can confirm the fact that people find it creepy.

Karla, I say you should just follow the disturbing trend in your costume choices to its logical end and just go naked. I guarantee you'll be the life of the party, and I'm pretty sure you'll still be able to find a place to hide your booze. If I know you as well as I think I do (judging entirely from the things I read on bathroom walls), you just may come packing a keg.

Anonymous said...

Oh come on! I think if you tell Brian about THIS costume he would agree


Or get some festive colored saran wrap and go as "leftovers".

Wax artistic and start collecting receipts to attach to something slutty and all black and pronounce yourself "Consumer Debt".

Hell...just go out and buy something slutastic and let the party mood take you wherever. You could be "The Patriot Act" or "Postpartum Depression".

Jenn said...

Try being a movie theater floor.

Wear all black and glue empty popcorn tubs, candy wrappers, crumpled napkins, ticket stubs, stale popcorn, paper cups, etc. all over your body and top your head with yet another empty popcorn tub. Cheesy, yes, but I guarantee no one else is going to show up as the movie theater floor.

Ben said...

With your baby blues and pale white skin; I'm firmly convinced you'd make one kick ass Bettie Page KB. That look has all but proven to turn heads.

Jet black hair temporarily dyed, black leather, fishnets, heavy black eyeliner, red lipstick; etc.

Then have Brian dress along the same lines sporting one of those black leather cop hats and carrying a whip with hand cuffs looped on his belt buckle. Tweak the hell out of his hair with gel and wear black leather gloves (better to hold beer with).

That would be classic especially given U2 are as Apple Pie looking as they come. :)

Psst, here's a link to costume ideas for couples:



Steph said...

I have a standard Carrie costume that I wear in a pinch. As long as I don't wear it to the same party, I can always pull it out of the closet. All you need is an old prom dress (everyone has an old bridesmaids dress in their closet, and it works), a tiara and a ton of fake blood. I've done it a couple of times and gotten a ton of compliments on it.
You're pretty - you'll look great covered in blood and trustme, it will crack everyone up.
Here's a picture from last year...

Fish said...

Silver wig, silver cape, silver leotard with holes for naked boobies- et voila! you are instantly transformed into the enigmatic X-woman, "Storm Front"..

(I'll get my coat)

MommaMonkey said...

Ok, I did the pregnant nun thing. Actually, I pretended to be a pregnant girl dressed as nun. That was back in the day of college (which was a Catholic University). I have to warn you though, I did get some really shitty looks and comments as I party-hopped on campus with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. But once people figured out it was a joke, they laughed about it. So if you're going to a party where you know most everyone, it will be a-ok.

Crafty Japan said...

Ever been a Wiggle?

mindy said...

how about the white stripes?
or, will and holly from the land of the lost? i think you could slut her up a bit. (i know they weren't a couple.. or were they?)or an old hollywood couple.. (fred and ginger?)
i had some friends last year that went as sharon tate and charles manson.. but, that's kind of in bad taste.

MeTheSheeple said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MeTheSheeple said...

Two easy ideas:
Alex, from A Clockwork Orange.

Create a shelf to go in front of you. Glue on a $3 travel alarm clock and a cheap paperback book, presumably one with a pink cover. After a few drinks, start wearing the lampshade. No one will get it at first. Finally, after a few more drinks, you can declare: "One night stand!"

WHATEVER you do, don't forget the Kitty Litter Cake:

MeTheSheeple said...

And yet another bad idea: Go as a a blow-up doll

Kristen said...

I grew up in a college dorm. One year a guy came as "static cling" - with socks and random pieces of clothing stuck to himself. I don't know how hilarious that is, but it was entertaining at the time.

shaynapunam said...

You can dress in something hot and slutty (with lots of BIG jewelry)and be a Footballer's Wife (BBC America) or call it an NFL Wife, so you spare yourself the explanations...have a formal gown you love, wear it and be an Academy Awards Seat Filler, and Brian can wear a tux--someone has to be there when Meryl Streep takes a whiz...or, wear a work suit and a whistle and be a Corporate Whistle Blower. All are easy and cheap, and you do not have to look ugly...Happy Hello Weenie!

Erica Kain said...

I have carefully studied your progression of outfits, and it's definitely time for you to go out as the St. Pauli Girl. It's been a huge omission in your outfits of the past, and in it, you are SUPPOSED to be carrying alcohol. And the St. Pauli Girl is hot, but in a totally wholesome kind of way, like, "Oh, is that my boob hanging out? I'm just trying to do my job here." I'm happy to have solved this for you.

hotpinksox said...

You and your husband as sufers and the little guy as the shark. You get to look sexy plus it's pretty wholesome.

Spaceman Spiff said...

IF you want to go a little morbid, you can dress up in an old prom or bridesmaid dress and make yourself look dead. Add a little fake blood and some twigs or leaves and cap it off with a tiara. Then you would be the homecoming/prom queen who did not make it home safely. You can tear the dress in the right places and you can be as slutty as you want. Brian could be the homecoming king and you could still do the couple thing.

Or you could go as Hanze and Franze. All you need are grey sweats, a weight belt and some of those long skinny balloons to make muscles out of. Or go as any Pop Diva, they are all pretty slutty.

Anonymous said...

I was once a slutty nun- I wore the habit but cut it off really short and wore fishnets and garters with it. I actually won the costume contest that night at the bar, and my prize was, coincidentally, a bottle of tequila.

Feel free to copy. :)

Other than that, why don't you two go as Britney and Kevin? You can be all trailer-park-trash and have Cheeto dust on your fingers, and he can just go with the wife beater and baseball cap. Very low maint. But also slutty, and everyone LOVES Britney.

CommonWombat said...

When Hotpinksox suggested that you and Brian go as surfers, and that "the little guy" can be dressed as a shark... Jesus what a picture. Then Sal pointed out that "the little guy" meant Jake.

Oooooohhhh. That's much better then.

CommonWombat said...

When Hotpinksox suggested that you and Brian go as surfers, and that "the little guy" can be dressed as a shark... Jesus what a picture. Then Sal pointed out that "the little guy" meant Jake.

Oooooohhhh. That's much better then.

CommonWombat said...

Why did that post twice? Oh well... TWICE AS FUNNY!

Anonymous said...

How about employees from Hot Dog on a Stick? I don't know where you'd get those lovely uniforms though.

Beakerz said...

Go as a "Dodgeball" player. an "Average Joe"

There's always dressing as a Pirate.

(yes, I'm watching "dodgeball" so I'm distracted)

Meanwhile, I could use the exact same advice.

Anonymous said...

Saw this one on a friend of mine one year, and have thought it was the simplest (and silliest) costumes I've ever seen.


- Silver evening gloves (y'know, the ones that go up to your elbows).
- Sombrero (big, but not HUGE).
- (Optional) black suit with stars/sparkles all over it.


Write "NCC-1701" on the rim of the sombrero (some of the geeks in the crowd are already smirking, I bet).

Hold your (glove-clad) arms straight up like you're involved in a hold-up , and then bend at the elbows so your hands point backwards, but your palms face each other).

Bingo: You're the USS Enterprise.

Spaceman Spiff said...

Dress up in the height of 80's fashion and be one of this years top fashion models. You can do the hair all crazy, pimp and strut around and generally act like a spoiled pouty bitch and you would just be in character. Brian could wear just about anything (though jeans, an old tee shirt, big striped tie, and sport coat is the standard uniform) and throw on some pink tinted shades or some other ridiculous accessory for a guy and be the fashion designer.

Yes, I am BRILLIANT. It will be fun and you can be as slutty as you want because everyone was slutty in the 80's, and aren't all fashion models a little trashy.

Kyran said...

One year we went as Pepe LePew and his beeyooteeful lady skoonk

He chased me around all night saying, "Come, come, darling....we must be grown up about zis ting..."


johnny dollar said...

princess leia (many permutations, although slave girl is best)

dorothy from the wizard of oz. gay men will be your best pal all nite.

laura from little house on the prarie. you could carry a stuffed prarie dog even.

the bettie page would be hard to beat.

paint yourself green and be the GREEN DANCING GRIL from the original star trek.

add 4' more of hair extensions and be crystal gayle.

sexy cowgirl would be swell for tejas...


dress in silver, attach rubber snakes all over yourself and be SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE :P :P :P

Fish said...

I'm not playing here any more, some of your friends scare the crap out of me...

Anonymous said...

The best costume I've ever seen was a couple dressed as bare breasts. They looked so cute dancing together. I am positive you could hide ANYTHING in there, and adorable just simply doesn't describe it.

Anonymous said...

You could go as a Victoria's Secret model. Then you can post the pictures here, and I'll keep a copy in a special place on my hard drive!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget your banana peel!

Anonymous said...

Waltzing matilda - a kangaroo of course. You would look adorable, people would get a laugh, and you definitely hide a fifth of vodka in the pouch.

karen! said...

Be a tavern wench! And he can be a drunk in a tavern!

doctawife said...

Okay, I married static cling. At least the Wash U version.

He hung out with 'Black Mail' - a woman (!) in a black unitard with junk mail, stamps and envelopes stuck all over her body.

Or make your husband wear a wet suit and carry a hand warmer... dub him the "Muff Diver!"

Now you have to figure out how to become the 'Muff.'


Anonymous said...

Ummmm I dont know if you wanna spend to much money.... but u could of gone as marilyn monroe and your husband as JFK since they had an affair supposedly... um also u could dress up as Priscilla Presley and he could be Elvis... I think it would be silly...