Sunday, October 01, 2006

Maybe I can outsource the abuse.

Ever wonder what I do when I'm not writing a blog post or abusing my child?

No? Too bad. I'm going to tell you anyway.

I often sit down to do some productive blog-writing, but then get sucked in by other peoples' blogs. Reading these blogs can eat away at the entire block of time I had set aside for writing. Before I know it, it's time to get back to abusing my child. Here are a few of the blogs that have a way of gnawing away at my would-be productive time.

One Child Left Behind has the best of three worlds:
1) It's very often funny. The funny parts will make you fall off your chair laughing, so that eventually you'll know enough to stand up while reading it.
2) It's very often beautiful. The beautiful parts will make you cry, even if you think you're too manly to cry, or too drunk to cry, or all cried out from reading Karlababble.
3) If you dig hard enough, you can find things like this. If you're a heterosexual girl, you know why that's great. If you're a heterosexual man, oops. I might have just turned you gay. I should have posted a warning before the link. Sorry.

Assclownopolis is good, clean fun without the 'clean' part, or the 'good part.' Really, it's a very funny blog--but maybe the best part is getting to address him as "Assclown" in your comment. As in, "So true, Assclown, so true," or even, "You're wrong, Assclown; it's not okay to have sexual relations with a dairy cow, even if the cow seems to be flirting with you."

Neil at Citizen of the Month is a genius. A genius at crafting blog posts out of pure bullshit. I have to believe that 99.8% of what he writes is completely made up. But that's a talent, make no mistake. And his posts are always funny. Always. Not funnier than mine, mind you. But funny.

Ben at Nocturnal Tendencies made a video about me. But he was cool even before that. Any girls out there interested in a hot drummer who's smart, talented, kind, and an aminal lover? Well, forget it. He's got enough girls vying for his attention already. You'd just get in the way.

Frankly, Mighty Dyckerson scares the shit out of me. So why did he make this list? All I can say in my defense is this: Millions of women stay in relationships with abusive, alcoholic, no-account men for years and years despite claiming to be unhappy and terrified in those relationships. Why do they stay? Sometimes terror can be like a magnet. This blog is my terrifying magnet.

That's the short list. There are others. I'd write about them as well, but all this writing is cutting into my blog-reading time. That, and my kid needs abusing. I'm not Superwoman. I can't do everything at once.


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Wow! Coming from you, this is high praise indeed. It has been both an honor and a priviledge to be your terror magnet, you crazy babbler.

But for the record, I have never abused a woman. Quite the opposite, in fact. I like to put them on a pedestal...and look up their skirts from below. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Now click my Google ads.

tfg said...

High praise, indeed. However, I do wish you'd stop referring to Dyck's mom as a dairy cow. For one, it's rude and it can only lead to a hike in my weekly milk bill.

Anonymous said...

Crafting blog posts out of pure bullshit!?

Finally, someone understand me! Thank you.

Ben said...

Many thanx for the kind words KB, you shined in your video.


Anonymous said...

Hey Karlababble,
I have just recently forced the last of my two Genetic Research Projects (GRPs), Thing #2, onto the engineering staff at Auburn University and find myself with a good deal of extra time on my hands. Thing #1 is sin her sernior year at the university, too, and I find myself wondering what to do with the excess rat poison and methanmphetamines now that they're gone. I'd grudingly have to charge you for outsourcing--specifically the rediculously high-maintenance premise of encouragement and mentoring, but we may be able to offset the costs with some less intense tasks like allowing the little rodent to hover in front of the poisons cabinet under the sink if that's agreeable? Oh. Starvation will have to an addictional cost, too. We usually file it under "Other Direct Costs" but may make an exception if you can find extenuation circumstances, i.e., "Will graze in garbage," or "Enjoys catbox."
Let me know.

Anonymous said...

Sheesh. I just looked at my anonymous posting. Sorry about all the thumbs!

BlogLaughs said...

Oh yeah! I'm totally stealing this list.

I'm a going to start my next list of humorous blogs to review next week. Thanks for giving me some suggestions. :)

blog author said...

i'd post a humerous comment, but i'm too busy reading these new blogs.

Anonymous said...

Agreed re: Neil. Some of the best bullshit ever.

Thanks for all the other recommends. I can't believe there are still corners of the blogosphere that I've barely scraped. Groan...