Sunday, October 08, 2006

I'm like "Dear Abby" for freaks

It used to be that the freaks of the world managed to find me by some special instinct they have that tells them where the other freaks are. Now that I have a blog, they find me by doing internet searches. Some of the searches listed below are recent and some are older, since I copy and paste these searches into a blog draft and let them sit until I'm sober enough to concoct a reasonably coherent blog post. I'd like to take a moment now to address these seekers, that I may help them get the answers they were looking for.

To the person who wondered what is wrong if my bowels are green?:
While I'm not a doctor, I think I know the answer to this one. What's wrong is you shouldn't have any idea what color your bowels are, since they're located inside your body and, ideally, shouldn't be visible to you unless you've been impaled by a javelin or gutted by an angry biker. If you've actually seen your bowels recently, or can see them now, get thee to a doctor at once.

To the person who found my site by searching for am I mentally stable enough to have a baby:
No. Just because I did it doesn't make it right.

To you who found me by searching for what does the name Karla mean?
I think I explained this one pretty well.

To the grade school dropout who found me by searching for do men with big penis's cheat:
In my own independent study, I discovered that it's not the size of the penis that correlates with infidelity, it's the existence of a penis. Remember the old adage, "Have penis, will plunge it indiscriminately into any willing party."

To the poor soul who found me by searching for how to stop underwear chewing:
This one is tough, but it can be done. This heartbreaking addiction recently plagued someone in my own family, but I'm proud to say that with love and determination, we were able to help him overcome it and go on to lead a healthy, happy, productive life, depending on your definition of "productive."

If you're the one who found me by searching for put on thong panties properly?:
I don't know how helpful I can be in writing--this is much easier to demonstrate in person, which I would be willing to do for a moderate fee. But there's definitely a right way and a wrong way to do it. Here's a short list of Wrong Ways to put on thong panties:

1) On your head. Fun, but wrong.
2) In a bus station bathroom. Unless it's absolutely necessary, which yes, it sometimes is.
3) In any instance in which the thong panties are 2 or more sizes smaller than your ass.
4) In any instance in which you are a man, and the thong is going on your ass instead of the ass of a female companion.
4) In full view of the remaining bachelor party attendees, after the party. Proper etiquette demands that you gather up your discarded clothing from the floor and the lamp shades and take it into the bathroom or the hotel hallway to get dressed. You may have been a star 3 hours ago, but now you're a used Kleenex.

To the person who found me by searching for where to buy roofies:
I think you've landed on the wrong website. Try here instead.

To the person who found me by searching for loser sitting in front of computer masturbating:
Please, don't make fun of my friends. I won't tolerate it.

22 comments:

Brookelina said...

I'm number one for "accidental flash" on more than a few search engines. I get at least five hits a day from this term.

Don't ask.

miss kendra said...

the great majority of my search terms have to do with popstars in comprimising positions, cookies, and me in various states of undress.

trisha said...

You are so funny and clever. And gorgeous.

It totally pisses me off sometimes.

Seriously. I am so pissed.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I confess, most of those searches are mine. I like to get here by a more circuitous route.

It helps me fill the empty days.

Anonymous said...

That does it - we must start a petition to turn the two ass-sizes rule for thong underwear into ironclad LAW.

CommonWombat said...

I totally resent the implication that I am a loser who sits in front of his computer masturbating all day long.

I am, in fact, a highly confident and competent go-getter with a high level of talent and motivation who is well-liked, well groomed and upwardly mobile.

...Who sits in front of his computer masturbating all day long.

puerileuwaite said...

Karla, does this look infected? Oh, and how do I take OFF thong panties properly (a friend wanted me to ask)? Finally, what should I use for chafing from wearing too-tight thong panties over a possible infection?

Anonymous said...

Karla,
1) Email me a few photos and I will try to work them into my new header. Wear something french.

2) Men should be allowed to wear thongs as long as they shave the package. Even guys don't want VPL.

3) And finally, the video of you was great.
Thanks for visiting.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Actually, I am no longer in the roofies business...you crazy babbler. I've moved on to designer drugs like XTC, Special K, and Georgia Home Boy.

Now have a nice sip of that drink I left on your coffee table...

Anonymous said...

independently owned drive thru(New York)

Hot black fucking(Iran)

Dirty redneck with a mullet(UK)

These are my last three. I had to look..

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I'm like a magnet for freaks too if you are talking about the words that people search on to find your blog.

Most of them are pretty normal, but occasionally I get hits for thongs like "Big penis" or "Peanut butter titties." One time some one landed at my blog looking for "little boys in underwear" or something equally as disturbing. Thankfully I had his IP address and turned it oer to the local PD who looked at me like I was nuckin futz. They had no idea what to do.

tfg said...

It's funny that you mention that, because the first time I found this blog was when I googled valtrex poster girl. I guess I can see why you didn't mention that one, though.

Neil said...

Actually, to be quite serious for a moment, the answer to the question about men with big penises and their likeliness of cheating deserves some attention. As a man who... OK, forget the stupid joke.

Anonymous said...

What can I say? You've managed to make me laugh again. No surprise!

A while back you posted about suggestions for a Halloween costume. That subject and with a reference to you, appears in my Sunday 10/8 post.

melissa.in.london said...

Uninterestingly enough, my most recent search was for "photographs of can"... I don't even want to know. I think my all-time favorite might have to be "princess nasty london melissa". Didn't you know that's my Royal Title?

Just Expressing Myself said...

You need your own TV show.
Your freakin' awesome.
Take care,
Frances

Nocturnal said...

The shit hotties in this day and age have to put up with never ceases to amaze.

Nice touché's KB.

Cheers

K. said...

very inspired. talk about making limoncello from lemons.

not that I'd want any of these freaky people coming to my blog, but you know, I do feel just a little left out. i know a thing or two about thongs, too, goddammit. and bowels.

Violet said...

man, my blog must be really missing something. i don't get any fun hits like that. google searches that bring up my blog are typically things like the lyrics to a song or a search that links people to the entry about all the cars i've had over the years.

i've gotta get some new material.

Sudiegirl said...

My...you certainly get some interesting questions.

I'll have to look up some of mine.

Have a good 'un.

PS: I agree with trisha too...pass some of those good tidings our way, yo!

mom and dad said...

WTF, bish. Do we get a mention?

We found you by searching for "baby name Genghis". If that's how fragile our blogging relationship is going to be, see if we ever offer you or your toddler any cheap booze.

Sarah Smile said...

I once went to the bathroom and discovered that for the past few hours I'd been wearing my thong on third rotation to the left.
And then of course there was the time I discovered I was wearing my boyfriend(at the time)'s thong, which meant he must have been wearing mine, which should have been sexy, but really just made me doubt the whole relationship on the basis that he wore thongs.