It used to be that the freaks of the world managed to find me by some special instinct they have that tells them where the other freaks are. Now that I have a blog, they find me by doing internet searches. Some of the searches listed below are recent and some are older, since I copy and paste these searches into a blog draft and let them sit until I'm sober enough to concoct a reasonably coherent blog post. I'd like to take a moment now to address these seekers, that I may help them get the answers they were looking for.
To the person who wondered what is wrong if my bowels are green?:
While I'm not a doctor, I think I know the answer to this one. What's wrong is you shouldn't have any idea what color your bowels are, since they're located inside your body and, ideally, shouldn't be visible to you unless you've been impaled by a javelin or gutted by an angry biker. If you've actually seen your bowels recently, or can see them now, get thee to a doctor at once.
To the person who found my site by searching for am I mentally stable enough to have a baby:
No. Just because I did it doesn't make it right.
To you who found me by searching for what does the name Karla mean?
I think I explained this one pretty well.
To the grade school dropout who found me by searching for do men with big penis's cheat:
In my own independent study, I discovered that it's not the size of the penis that correlates with infidelity, it's the existence of a penis. Remember the old adage, "Have penis, will plunge it indiscriminately into any willing party."
To the poor soul who found me by searching for how to stop underwear chewing:
This one is tough, but it can be done. This heartbreaking addiction recently plagued someone in my own family, but I'm proud to say that with love and determination, we were able to help him overcome it and go on to lead a healthy, happy, productive life, depending on your definition of "productive."
If you're the one who found me by searching for put on thong panties properly?:
I don't know how helpful I can be in writing--this is much easier to demonstrate in person, which I would be willing to do for a moderate fee. But there's definitely a right way and a wrong way to do it. Here's a short list of Wrong Ways to put on thong panties:
1) On your head. Fun, but wrong.
2) In a bus station bathroom. Unless it's absolutely necessary, which yes, it sometimes is.
3) In any instance in which the thong panties are 2 or more sizes smaller than your ass.
4) In any instance in which you are a man, and the thong is going on your ass instead of the ass of a female companion.
4) In full view of the remaining bachelor party attendees, after the party. Proper etiquette demands that you gather up your discarded clothing from the floor and the lamp shades and take it into the bathroom or the hotel hallway to get dressed. You may have been a star 3 hours ago, but now you're a used Kleenex.
To the person who found me by searching for where to buy roofies:
I think you've landed on the wrong website. Try here instead.
To the person who found me by searching for loser sitting in front of computer masturbating:
Please, don't make fun of my friends. I won't tolerate it.