Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Sandy vomit, prison rape and adoption

I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news isn't really all that bad, but the good news is KICK ASS. (For me, at least. You, as usual, probably won't give a shit.)

The bad news: This blog will probably not be updated between Oct. 12 and Oct. 17th.

The good news: Because I'll be frolicking on the beach in Cabo.

Now, I know you're thinking I'm going to fritter away this precious vacation time by getting drunk and passing out face-down in the sand. Not so. I have big plans for this vacation. Here are just a few of the things I intend to accomplish while on this tranquil, beachy getaway:

-Drink 18 shots of Mexico's cheapest tequila and throw up in the sand. (That's not the same as merely passing out in the sand, see. I'll actually be accomplishing something before I pass out.) I think I've pretty much done all I can do with the concept of puking on linoleum, cement, hardwood, Formica, car upholstery and the laps of strangers. It's time to conquer the sand.

-Hit on no fewer than 4 bellboys and 8 non-English-speaking taxi drivers.

-Throw a tantrum in a restaurant and shout "I'm a rich American! I could buy and sell you with what I pay for a bottle of NyQuil!!"

Side note: Far from being rich, I'm just your average middle class citizen. But once, while shopping in the Mexican border town of Nogales, just south of Arizona, I was sent into repeated giggle fits by the trinket vendors who, at the sight of us leaving their shops, would shout after us, "Come back, rich Americans!" There have been no less than 1,456 instances since then when I've shouted, usually to a baffled group of strangers, "Come back, rich Americans!"

But vacationing in foreign countries isn't all about fun and games and abusing the locals. There are potential dangers. For instance, a friend once told me a story about his wife's two college girlfriends who gave themselves the college graduation present of a vacation in Mexico. There, they were unfortunately arrested as they sunbathed on the beach...while smoking pot. They were dumped into a squalid little Mexican jail cell for several days with no phone privileges, where it was eventually explained to them that they could either continue to rot in jail for years to come, or have sex with the jailers and go free. Seeing no alternative, they tearfully submitted to sex with the jailers--which turned out to be a sizable group. These seedy jailers were men of their word, at least, because the girls were indeed released afterward. No word on how many years of therapy and how many truckloads of prescription pills it took to erase the shame, nor how many drums of Rid-X it took to eradicate the crabs. But don't worry, a scenario like that could never happen to me. For one thing, I don't smoke pot. And secondly, I'll be dressed as a man the entire time I'm there, just to make sure I don't find myself in that horrifying situation.

Aside from Mexican prison rape, I guess I should also worry about sharks. I don't want a repeat of last year's vacation episode. Here's a picture of us, partying on the beach:

As you can see, we were really having a great time, unaware (until the film was developed weeks later) that we were in mortal danger. Pretty scary.

Almost as scary as the possibility of shark attack is the possibility of encountering hurricane weather. According to weather reports, there are two tropical storms currently heading for the exact spot where I had intended to puke in the sand. Now, I don't know much about tropical storms, but from what I understand, a hurricane could potentially ruin my hairdo or blow the umbrella out of my drink--two disasters I don't even want to think about. But a cursory glance at this screenshot I took from seems to indicate that there's a definite chance that when I pass out face down in the sand, I will subsequently drown in standing rainwater.

If that happens, I'll need one of you to take care of Jake for me. He won't be accompanying us on this trip (toddlers can be a real buzzkill), so in the unfortunate event of my demise, I'd like him to go to a loving home filled with responsible people. I've never actually met anyone like that, so I'll have to lower my expectations. Please leave your full name, address and phone number in my comments section, and I'll alert my team of lawyers to check this post if my mangled body should wash up on the shores of Cabo by the middle of next week. They'll call you if your name is randomly chosen from the list.

Thank you. Now I'm off to pack.


tfg said...

You'll be OK if you remember the following phrase: Senor guarda, mi herpes es inactivo esta semana.

Anonymous said...

Don't EVER use my name as someone who will take possession of your offspring--I don't even want my OWN grandkids if something horrible happens! (And the most horrible thing that could happen is their mother waking up one morning and saying, "What the hell have I done and HOW did I get 5 kids!"--and then leaving the house and NOT leaving a forwarding address. At least, that's what I would have done.) Have fun on your vacation!

Anonymous said...

Hot damn, more children. Fucking A, sign me up. Look on the bright side---with impending inclement weather, it should be easier to wear attire that enhances your man-i'd-rather-not-have-to-sleep-with-you-and-your-gonoriphillis scheme. (see big shirt hiding boobs, pants with room for large cucumber, etc.)

p.s. "iQue Ganga!" means 'what a bargain!'. Not sure why that's important, but it's damn fun to say.

mindy said...

this mexican prison system.. umm. well.. you could just scratch yourself a lot if you're thrown in the tank... i've heard that usually works!

Maven said...

Um? Oy!

Great post! Enjoy your trip!

PS: My word verification today is: FATAL.



Nature Girl said...

Well the last time I offered to take care of Jake, I told you he had to earn his keep by doing chores, and you replied that the only thing he did at the time was empty all the tupperware from the drawers..have you been able to teach him anything else since then? If not, I guess I could still take him, he can clean out the cupboards, and my youngest boy could then wash all the tupperware a second time ensuring their cleanliness should I need any of it in the near future. In the meantime, we can teach Jake how to sort the laundry by colors and have him scoop the cat box...after all, it's at the right height for him.
Have a good time on your vacation.

Anonymous said...

I'm so excited for your vacation, and to take possession of Jake. I have been unable to conceive a son thus far, and am perilously close to an unflattering beheading. So yeah, whoop it up! Don't look out for sharks and/or hurricanes! I'll be a totally good mom. Only the best nannies will do...

acw said...

Scruff McGruff
Chicago, Illinois

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Note to self:
1. Go to Cabo.
2. Get temp job as jailer.
3. Lock up crazy babbler for puking on beach.
4. The fun begins!

Spaceman Spiff said...

Dammit. . . I spit my rum and coke all over my keyboard thanks to Dykerson. You can never clean that up.

Both of you have fun in Cabo.

dizzy von damn! said...

you can send the kid to LA and tell him to find me.

i have black hair.

Violet said...

I'm totally jealous! I was in Playa del Carmen one year ago and it was probably the most fun vacation I've ever gone on! Some friends and I are hoping to go on another excursion to the beach this February or March.

Leave some tequila for us!

jules said...

I should comment anonymously, cuz I don't want a toddler. But have a great trip.

Ben said...

Live it up don't forget your earplugs for Cabo Wabo, not to mention your tequila drinking shoes.

As for the dangers, throw all caution to the wind... your on vacation dammit.

Have fun U2!


P.S. The Hounds volunteer to keep Jakie company.

puerileuwaite said...

Pug's Travel Tip 001 - Know the local customs. In contrast to Mexico, one should NEVER dress up as a man when heading to Greece.

Pug's Travel Tip 002 - Bring phoney police uniform with on upcoming trip to Cabo. Look for David Byrne lookalike passed out in own vomit on beach.

Pug's Travel Tip 003 - Choose your wardrobe carefully to ensure that you are not mistakenly identified as a rich American. Anything from the Keven Federline Collection will do nicely.

Pug's Travel Tip 004 - Bring plenty of Nyquil to use as currency and/or beach shooters.

Pug's Travel Tip 005 - Get an accurate Mexican jailer count BEFORE considering any plea bargain.

Pug's Stock Tip 001 - Purchase shares of Rid-X prior to Karla's trip.

Pug's Blog Tip 001 - Figure out how to use Photo Shop on your own. Do not ask Karla for assistance.

Anonymous said...

If your hotel room gets robbed for everthing except for a roll of film and your toothbrush pretend everything is ok.

CommonWombat said...

I knew this post was just going to wind up with another attempt to pawn your kid off on one of us.

If you really want to lose Jake that badly, you need to take him with you. I'm sure that there are many more ways a person can rid themselves of a toddler in Mexico than there are here. You could put him to work in a sweatshop, exchange him with some locals for a pair of pork burritos, or just tie him to a burro, and send him off into the desert. Here in the states, your best bet is leaving him in the trash can at your high school prom, and that's SO cliche.

As an aside, I'm drunker right now than I've ever been in my life (which isn't saying much.). I knew you'd be proud.

Anonymous said...

Expect to hear from the Anti-Mexican-Jailer-With-Crabs Defamation League. Racist.

kim said...

Wombat, you've got a ways to go if you are still typing -- but keep up the good work, you'll get there.

Johnny Virgil said...

Just my luck. I show up, you leave. Dammit.

Anonymous said...

what ever you do do NOT let any one you are with pee on the street (or in view of any police officers) they will bribe you for all of your cab money and you will be forced to walk back to your hotel whilst holding up a dunk stipper who is only wearing the arm hole of her wife beater, exposing her sizable fake tits which have been branded with 6 club entry stamps while she curses out the locals and makes out with random passersbye.

Anonymous said...

I think that being family, I should be intitled to Jake if something horrible should happen (note to self, hire hitman in Cabo) um, oops did I type that.

Anyway, enjoy your vacation.
For goodness sake, stick with the Tequilla, and don't use the term "El vidrio de vino blanco por favor" or the term "El vidrio de vino tinto por favor". Ask Aunty Marvella if you don't believe me!

Anonymous said...

Puking in the sand is overrated.

Shiiit, that story about the girls in prison is well scary! I guess Id have done the same thing but I dont some pot either so phew!

Ill have your toddler if you want?
I live in Wales, UK though. You could post him to me?

honeykbee said...

More good news? -- is wrong at least 94% of the time.

gina said...

Oh hell no! i just got mine to the age where they can actually DO something. like take a bath unassisted, make their own breakfast, etc... a toddler would cramp my style for sure! but have fun.

Antonio said...

You'll be dressed as a man the whole time you're there? So that basically means you'll look like you do in your blog photo? Oh snap!

LOL, I'm just kidding. Have a great trip and please don't send me your kid!

Denise said...

sounds like fun times! come back and tell us all about it!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I'll be glad to look after your kid. Just send him to me, Mark Foley, in Florida. Everyone knows me.

Sudiegirl said...

I thought I posted to this one...oh matter.

I've never been to Mexico, and after this entry, I now know why.

Don't barf up too much sand, honey.

Jessica said...

I'll take can rest assured that I will raise him in the same drug-induced, dysfunctional environment that you have provided.

Can't wait to hear details of your trip...or receive Jake in the mail (whichever happens first)