Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Bed rest: It's not just for amputees anymore.

Bed rest sounds nice, doesn't it? Who wouldn't want to be put on bed rest? You picture yourself lounging about in a feathered nightie or flannel footie jammies, watching your favorite movies and eating grapes straight out of the servants' hands. Perhaps there's a oversize glass of wine at your bedside, or, if you're Dyckerson, a plastic jug of urine. Either way, it sounds like a great opportunity to relax and rejuvenate.

The little-known reality is that bed rest blows. In my non-bed rest life, I'm a person who is always on the go, unwilling to sit still for very long. Plus, I teach group exercise classes, as well as working out on my own at the gym 6 mornings a week for an hour and half to two hours a day. This gives me the energy I need to leap fences and dash through alleyways when the Feds are chasing me, or beat the crap out of anyone who looks at me sideways at the grocery store.

In short, I like to keep very busy.

But because God has cursed women with the twisted joke that is a nine-month pregnancy, complete with cumbersome weight gain and many other unpleasant bodily changes, and because I'm perhaps being punished for being such a terrible person all my life, I have recently been ordered to serve out the remaining 4 months of my pregnancy on bed rest. Well, to be fair, I'm not sure yet that the bed rest order will continue that long--I'll find out next week at my doctor's appointment if I can at least go back to my slovenly desk job a few hours a week--but it's not looking good. And I'm certain there will be no more working out or teaching group exercise for a long time to come. So if you thought I was crabby and disagreeable before--look out, brother.

Far from the peaceful feathered nightie and footie-jammies scenario mentioned above, bed rest is a horrible, ugly existence. Television, formerly a vehicle only used once a week to gaze upon the faces of the hot guys in the Lost cast, now becomes the central focus of existence. Along with the endless hours of Court TV, Discovery Channel and History Channel, there is also such brain-killing fare as Frasier re-runs, Judge Judy, and the occasional soap opera. This is bad news for those of you who come here faithfully seeking my well-thought out, deeply intelligent monologues that instruct you in the ways of the world and stimulate your minds, since after a few months of this dumbifying television intake, my blog may start to read like--well, it's too horrible to say it. But you know what I'm thinking of.

For the first time ever, I envy you. Not your lice-covered scalp or filthy, feces-covered apartment, and certainly not your lengthy prison record or astonishingly low IQ. No, I envy your ability to get up and walk around the house, even leave the house when the mood strikes. Presumably, despite your hundreds of noticeable faults, you're at least not laying on your couch hour upon hour until your skin starts to fuse with the upholstery, nor gaining five pounds per month while inadvertently committing to memory every line from Frasier's 1995 season.

Jealousy is an ugly thing. In fact, it's so ugly that maybe the only thing uglier is what a woman looks like after 4 months of pregnancy bed rest. Hear that sound? That's me, hitting the wall. Soon I'll become one of those people who only posts a photo of herself from the chin up, always blurry and darkened, with a cloud of hair swirling in front so that a person viewing it isn't entirely sure if it's a photo of a woman or an aerial shot of Kenya.

So say goodbye to the old Karla. My bed rest sentence has only been in effect for a few days, but I fully expect that by the end of it, you will see a newer, angrier, more horrible Karla than before, one that you'll like even less than the old one. And actually, pissing you off may be the only satisfaction I get in all this. It might even make it worthwhile.

39 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don't worry about losing your job. From what I've heard, you've earned more mony laying flat on your back.

Carmen said...

Dear Karla,

I am contacting you regarding a blog survey I am conducting. I am a Ph.D. candidate in Mass Communication at Penn State and my dissertation project consists of a survey that looks at women bloggers’ perceived motivations for and effects of their blogging.

I am sending the survey to a number of bloggers, and I would like to invite you to participate in it as well. Participation should take approximately 15 minutes of your time. I would appreciate it tremendously if you would be willing to take the survey. If you decide to do so, please follow the link below:

http://www.personal.psu.edu/cds205/blog/signin.htm

I would be very happy to share the findings of my study with you once it is completed!

If you have any questions or comments, please don’t hesitate to contact me!

Thank you in advance,

Carmen

mrtl said...

Geez! I'm so out of the loop that I didn't know you're pregnant. umm... congratulations? ::ducking::

You'll probably need some amusement there. May I suggest a bell? Use it to hither the hubs... just because you're bored. You could also decorate your ceiling -- tissues and a straw can help there.

When all else fails, blog. (or cheat and visit www.boredatwork.com)

puerileuwaite said...

If it makes you feel better, this provides one more thing you have in common with Howard Hughes. Let's review, shall we?

1) Both of you were/are bedridden in your declining years;

2) Both of you were/are "late";

3) Both of you enjoy(ed) a good goosing;

4) Both of you have likely cheated the government (exotic dancing tips are supposed to be claimed as income);

5) Both of you have an uncanny physical resemblence to Leonardo DiCaprio;

6) Both of you were/are movie makers (only his films don't have to be hidden in the back room at the video store);

7) Oops, forgive me. I almost forgot about the descent into mental illness and the long fingernails.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm starting to feel pity, and it's quite uncomfortable.

Carla said...

Is this a veiled inviation for all of us to come visit you while you are "bed resting". If you're in bed whose going to wait on us and freshen our drinks?

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

Do we have any proof that you are really prego? Is this just a ploy to lay around and make fun of us? Do we need to investigate this situation further? What do you really hope to get out of this, sympathy, nasty comments which you can later use against us or do you just hope to get more attention? We aim to please so if you will just tell us what it is you want we will provide it!

But really, take care of yourself and that little future criminal you are harboring in your belly.

tfg said...

Bed rest can be fun. All you need is intraveneously connected still, a dialysis machine, and someone to flip you every now and again to prevent bedsores.

Anonymous said...

My suggestions are Netflix, books or books on tape (Audible.com), prank phone calls, and making a different person come once a week on different days to entertain you.
I'd go into crafty suggestions like learning how to knit, or puzzles but I don't think that's your "game".

Crazy MomCat said...

I've been bad about reading my favorite blogs lately and didn't know you were pregnant. Congrats!

Yeah, I think you should make the most of it and find some anonymous way to torture fellow bloggers that entertains you but takes up a heinous amount of time.

I've been there before...bedrest SUCKS! After a week, I thought I was certifiable...

CommonWombat said...

Shit. I guess I'll have to start working out all hours of the day and running around getting excersize and doing constructive things all the time, because you clearly have stolen MY lifestyle.

Nocturnal said...

You obviously have been brooding in the darkness to NIN's Year Zero IC. I look forward to the new Karla, give me your best shot; I can definitely take it.

Cheers

Karl said...

Maybe this is just the excuse you need to have as much sex as you want! Or maybe that's not a problem in the first place.

mist1 said...

I put myself on couch rest every Saturday night. It's not passing out. I swear, my doctor says that I should stay there until I can make it up the stairs.

Effortlessly Average said...

You know, I suddenly have the desire to go outside. Where to? It doesn't matter. I just have the urge to demonstrate that should the need arise, I can go outside to grab the paper (not that I can read it; I just like being able to say "I'm going out to get the paper"), walk around the block, or drop by my favorite back alley porn shop to see if any new snuff films have arrived. Yes, freedom to travel is such a wonderful thing. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to sit in, say, bed for months on end, watching in rapt anticipation at how many daddies Maurey unearths.

Oh well, you know what they say: "sucks to be you."

Effortlessly Average said...

Oh, and I think I'm going to go out to Carmen's survey to see if I can skew her results. hehe.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Shit, I just realized I misspelled "money" in my original post. Go back and re-read it, but pretend like "money" is spelled correctly...

...There, now wasn't that funny?

The Jamoker said...

some of us would love to spend all day eating bon-bons and reading french poetry. buck up and enjoy it.

Tim said...

Yesterday I went running and today my calves hurt, my shins hurt, and my knees are fucking killing me.

Jealous much?

andy said...

Well, colour me frightened. I won't go into many details, for fear of death, but someone I know well had a similar situation for only the last 2 weeks, and her husband almost died. Someone I know.

p.s., did you take that survey? I'm DYING to hear the results, OMG!?!

Jessica said...

Your ass is a lot flatter than I hoped it would be.

Patti said...

There are lots of things you can do and still remain horizontal as this "alleged doctor" of yours prescribed. Personally I think your pimp just wanted to get you off the street so that your new, rounder form didn't start enticing the wrong clientele. A waddling prostitute is bad for bizness.

At any rate. Here is a list of things to do to pass the time:

1. Practice your aim and accuracy by throwing knives at the ceiling.

2. Assuming you can count, reverse the "100 Bottles of Beer" song and start with "1" then see how far you get before you either kill someone or get taken off of bedrest.

3. Teach Jake to fetch. He needs to learn now just like you taught Brian.

4. Keep a stack of copy paper & bottle of water beside you, then see how big a spit wad you can launch onto any and all vertical surfaces while yelling "FORE!". It's THEIR fault you're not verticle, just remember that! (at this stage, paranoia is your friend) I think this is like an early form of paper mache anyway. So you're not simply vandalizing your own home and possibly the people you love, you're being artsy about it.

5. If you don't already, you should learn how to open a bottle of beer with your teeth.

6. Take up crocheting. I took the liberty of finding a site that would interest you. http://www.crochetmycrotch.com/ If you work really hard while on your back, you should have a house full of labia before you know it. BONUS: You could make it the theme for the baby's room. I mean, what newborn doesn't want to cuddle next to one or 30 of those?

7. Crank call everyone you know who has a job and see how many of them you can get fired. It'll make you feel better, plus you'll have more friends staying at home too once you really get rolling with it.

8. Be a dear and create some kind of "Karla Insanty Scale" or something so we know when we arrive here what your mood is.

9. Invent something. As warped as it is, that mind of yours is full of some amazing knowledge. Use it for once to make the world a better place.

10. Watch the spanish channel and make up dialogue of your own. This only works if you don't know any spanish or maybe just enough to know the difference between asking a man the name of his dog versus asking him the name of his penis.

Take it easy whatever you do.

Effortlessly Average said...

Well if the person in that picture is YOU, can I be on bedrest with you? I wouldn't even mind feeding you grapes or rubbing your crusty feet.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Whoa back! Haven't there been times you wanted to sleep in? Now's your chance.....

honeykbee said...

This kid is so grounded when s/he arrives.

miss kendra said...

bed rest blows.

i'm very sorry for you... but not as sorry as i'm gonna be when you pop!

Chebbles' Mama said...

Holy crap, now I have to cancel all my plans to be jealous of gestating, glowing, working-out Karla.
I'm not just saying this because I work in the videogame industry BUT I've heard that handheld videogames (that's not a veiled reference to "personal massagers") really help. Get a Sony PSP and a Nintendo DS and a bunch of games -- that's helped my other bedridden friends.
(And what's up with all my friends being on "bedrest"... is this just an excuse not to come over to my lice-ridden house?)

Da Monkey Code said...

Ah grasshopper, I have rehabilitated a friend who could canoe and drink all day, play 2 soccer matches that evening, come back and drink some more and then get up the next morning for a marathon who unfortunately had her ankle shattered in a car accident.

Answer me these three questions and you will be free like her.

1. What is the name of Veronica Mars' dog.

2. Where can your steal the helicopter and thus fly to a good sniper area on Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

3. What time does "How It's Made" come on on Friday nights.

Once you have mastered these you will then move on, like her, to find that there is much TV about and by people who enjoy activity much more than I.

Scary Monster said...

Well ya got knocked up in bed - Me not gonna believe those who say it were on yer bosses desk - and now you'll have to finish the job there.
I think PUG has a point about the mental illness part.

STOMP

kim said...

You are not actually supposed to watch the Frasier, it's only on to create confusion.

Scary Monster said...

Hey Mrs.Babble thanks fer gettin out of bed and wobbling over to me house. Me hopes it weren't to distressing to tear yourself away from Judge Judy or Opra.
stomp

Celeste said...

You've been sentenced to bedjail? Do they make you wear an ankle bracelet?

If you want to reach out to other inmates, there's a site called sidelines.org. I second the Netflix but not the crank calls; everybody's got caller ID now and it's not like you can get up to answer the door when the cops show up.

Jenni said...

GAH. I can't even stand being sick at home for one day.

You poor thing.

I'd say you could drink your time away, but I'm sure dealing with fetal alcohol syndrome probably wouldn't be a day at the zoo either.

Good luck!

Ellie's Mommie said...

I offer up a trade. I'll take your bedrest and you can play the waiting game with this little girl who seems in NO HURRY to exit her current residency! (I'm currently speaking with my attorney about filing an exiction notice!) Of course it's just a temporary trade b/c I'm all too anxious to down a good old fashioned RUM & COKE, but heck, I'm offering you a short break. Sound like a deal?

But seriously, I don't envy you. I'd go out of my mind with too much bedrest. Serves you right for threatening my naptime with screaming ELMOS!!

Take care woman!

{illyria} said...

i'd switch places with you in a heartbeat. but only for the bed rest, not the other thing. i'm not worthy of that.

son of dyckerson said...

OK, so maybe this is better left on an earlier post but how do you go FOUR MONTHS before telling us you were pregnant? I feel violated. I really do. But I guess I should expect that from another of my dad's Internet whores. Seriously though, congrats. And dont worry about the bedrest, it flies by.

Angela said...

Oh my God--I am the epitome of the complete lazy bum, and even so I truly can't fathom 4 months of bed rest. I hope the sentence gets lifted soon!

Desiree said...

Wow. That would be tough. I teach a stretch/ballet class that is primarily laying on your back. Maybe you could incorporate a bunch of pilates/yoga/ballet exercises to do WHILE in bed/on the bed, whatever...I mean, with your gym dedication you're going to have to figure out how to do it in bed somehow or you'll die, right? I would!

delmer said...

My wife (at the time) was on bed rest for three months with our first child. We lived in the country in a cable-tv-free area of Ohio. She was only allowed out of bed to pee, and if she wanted to shower she had to wait to pee before she could do that. I'm guessing the doc would have preferred she pee while showering, but she'd always make the stop at the toilet on the way to the shower stall.

I moved a small fridge into the room, a hospital table and her Mac from work.

Sorry to hear about your bed rest order. Sometimes something like that *does* sound good. But, I know it sucks.

rebcram said...

wow, did I miss an announcement or what? Congrats (on the baby, not the bedrest).