Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Why doesn't anyone ever want me dead? It's not fair.

There is no justice in the world.

Kathy Sierra is someone I've never heard of til now, because, well, I'm not a computer nerd. But my husband is, and he pointed her out to me recently because apparently she's a big deal in the geek blogger world, and an even bigger deal now that she's stopped blogging because she got some lukewarm death threats. A couple of commenters said some nasty things about her, one guy Photoshopped a picture of her with a noose around her neck, she got all oversensitive about it and bam! She makes it into the top 10 searches on Technorati. She was number one for a few days.

Personally, it looks to me like the chick is overreacting a bit. As death threats go, what happened to her is pretty tame; I know you guys could do way better. Either way, I'm indignant. How come I never get death threats from you rat bastards? You're mentally unbalanced, right? And don't I repeatedly say objectionable, offensive things to and about you? In a perfect world, the combination of those two factors should be enough to get me a death threat or two that I could then publicly freak out about and get a big surge in search hits.

It's not like I haven't tried to cultivate your wrath, either. Some of you I even single out and blindly attack, unprovoked, over and over. Jesus, what more do I have to do to get a death threat, here? I'm not sure if you're too lazy or if you're just a bunch of pussies, but either way, I'm getting screwed.

What the hell has happened to the youth of America? There's no ambition anymore, no get up and go. Gone are the days of John Hinckley, Jr. and Mark David Chapman, when a dangerously unbalanced person had the gumption to channel his psychosis into action. Now you nutjobs just spend your days slumped in your filthy, cat-filled apartments, surfing the internet for circus seal porn. I blame antidepressants, the dramatic increase of which is responsible for killing the ambition of the stalker/murderer community and turning you all into a bunch of lazy crybabies trying to find your inner child. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

All I can say is I've done my part. I've said horrible things about you; I've taunted you. I've called your mothers whores, mocked you for your sexually-transmitted diseases, made more small-penis jokes than there are penises in the world. At this point, I give up. It takes two to make a death threat work, and you're not doing your part. I can't force you. You have to want to change, and until you make that decision in your life, well, things are never going to get better.

I can't do it anymore; I can't continue to be more personally invested in your psychosis than you are yourself. At this point, I wash my hands of you.

40 comments:

Patti said...

WAIT! Um...how 'bout a naaaasty paper cut? Huh? Wouldn't that be bad? Or maybe I could just think bad things.... but I'm really pretty tired for that too. I think your best bet is to create a second email account and start threatening yourself. You're the only one around here who isn't high what with you being all knocked up and whatever.

Pregnancy hormones should make you near-psychotic though right? So channel the half that's crazy into another email account and vi-ola!

now where's my happy pills.....

Mr. Poopie said...

hwWell shit, all you had to do was ask. I do draw the line with pregnant chicks though. You lucky would-be-dead fucker!

love the blog!

Antonio said...

I for one am not the type to make threats. I prefer to just put things into action. I do enjoy the occasional morbid speech as I disembowel someone. Maybe one day you'll get to hear it!

And what's wrong with today's youth? In this post-Columbine society, murderous rampages is material for the scrolling bar on CNN, not "real news".

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I couldn't kill you, crazy babbler. Not with our unborn love child growing in your womb.

Now let's make some hot cocoa, stretch out on the sofa, and enjoy the sounds of DON HENLEY'S GREATEST HITS on the stereo...

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

OK KARLA,

I'VE HAD A REALLY BAD WEEK. NOT ONLY HAVE THE NEIGHBORS COWS BEEN HERE TEARING UP OUR FARM BUT NOW THEIR DAMN SHEEP ARE HERE. YES I'M IN THE MOOD TO MAKE A SERIOUS DEATH THREAT TO SOMEONE. IF YOU READ MY BLOG YOU WILL KNOW I AM DRINKING MIKE'S HARD LEMONADE, SMOKING 2 PACKS A DAY, AND TAKING POT SHOTS AT THE NEIGHBORS SHEEP. SO IF YOUR CRAZY BLOGGER ASS CAN LEAVE THAT UNBORN CHILD HOME FOR A LITTLE BIT AND WANDER ON TO THIS PLACE, I COULD MAKE A SERIOUS ATTEMPT AT, WELL NO I COULDN'T CAUSE, HELL, YOUR BLOGS CRACK ME UP AND PROBABLY KEEP MY NEIGHBORS ALIVE. SORRY, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN ON THIS ONE.

tfg said...

I'll bust a cap in your ass. I'm speaking figuratively, of course. There is no sum of money that would get me anywhere near that thing.

Stacie said...

I have reserved death threats for only two people in my life, and I'm really quite serious about it, but if it'll make you feel better, I could kick your ass so bad you'd wish you were dead.
But then I'd miss your blog and truthfully, it's one of my favorites so I that just wouldn't do either.

mist1 said...

Now I feel bad about myself too. I only get death threats from men I used to date.

Effortlessly Average said...

I'd really love to help you out, but I had a hard time reading past "either way I'm getting screwed." Sounds to me like you've already had enough fun for all of us. hehe. Besides, I could never kill a woman who can openly say the word pussy and wants Carmen Electra's boobs pressed to her her head.

But... I can certainly insult you. I don't want to go back to prison; it wasn't much fun the first time and I'm pretty sure killing you would be viewed as a serious violation of the rules despite your inability to bake cookies, construct a gingerbread house, or pass by a skeevy bar. I'm sure you have your good points, too, and wouldncha know it, it seems to be THOSE that the prosecutors focus on.

Anyway, I was going to list a whole, uh, list of insults that might rise to the occassion of at least verbally assaulting you, but so many are coming to mind that I feel a blog entry coming on... or maybe that's just yesterday's four bean salad.

I leave you with this: stop your fucking whining! At least Karlababble HAS frequent readers, dysfunctional as they we may be. Some of us are forced to fill the blogosphere role of the homeless guy muttering to himself while people try to avoid making eye contact.

andy said...

DAMMIT KARLA, DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

Now you've re-unleashed the Don Henley.

I'm gonna start making death threats to myself.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

I am dropping my kids off for you to babysit. That should do you in! Listening to my son run into a room and scream the word "UNDERPANTS" - then run out laughing hysterically like he is the biggest commedian since Eddie Murphy in RAW - then repeating this action 57 times is enough to kill ANYONE!!!

Tim said...

I'm not sure if I've ever read your blog before but it sucks. It sucks so bad I've placed a curse on you that will ultimately lead to your death. It's a slow release curse which will kill you sometime between now and the year 2100.

But, I will say that this post has forced me to express how I feel abotu people that turn off thier comments.

The Muse said...

I have to know someone a lot longer to start issue death threats. Sorry.

Pirate said...

I have issues with leaving death threats but is it okay to stalk you? I mean I'll keep an appropriate distance and will never call you at work. But remember I will always be there.

When you go to the store i'll be in the other aisle or out in the parking lot or watching you from one of those buble mirrors on the ceiling (how do they get someone small enough to fit in one of those anyway?), I'll be there when you step out and get the paper in the morning, when you fart (and I'm sure you don't have a carbon credit for that either).

Killing would only take away the fun. And i don't want to spend the rest of my days with my back against a wall in some Texas prison.

anonymouscoworker said...

From now on my life's goal will be to follow you around and make irritating noises like this:

ReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE!

Until your head explodes.

If that fails, I guess I'll just take a gun, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."

Spaceman Spiff said...

I can't stand fava beans or Chiante, so as soon as I find suitable substitutes, you are toast. . . . well, the toast is a side, you'd be the main dish. Anyway, please try to have the as yet unborn progeny out of the diseased canyon you call a womb by then. I may not balk at ending you, but an innocent child is more than I can handle. As it is, I could be doing him/her a favor by making it possible to grow up in a single family home free of your influence.

Let me know when would be good for you. Have your people call my people and we'll get this thing penciled in. I was thinking sometime around Columbus day. I'll need a good 30 days or so for the proper aging before I have you for Turkey Day dinner. Have you OVER for turkey day. . . . yea, that's what I meant.

How was that, insult and intended injury? Feel better now?

tinyhands said...

The following link is a real time saver for any other readers who want to heap the hate--
Ransom Note Generator.

Crunchy BC said...

Huh. In my house, whore-calling, tiny dick and STD jokes are just considered "tough love."

Jessica said...

I just met you and I already want you dead!!!!

Call me!

~Tim said...

No way! If I get one more restraining order my parole officer will... um, never mind.

And I'm in a filthy, dog-filled house thank you very much!

Gucci Muse said...

sfpfmwqOK, so what does this all really mean? You are washing your hands of your blog? Taking a break? What, what, what, what, what? :)

Da Monkey Code said...

Well I thought about leaving a threat but I noticed I hadn't read your previous post, so I read that. Then I spent about 10 minutes figuring out my my sign in was to comment on that. Then I had to pee so got anohter drink while I was up. At that point I went and read about ACW's poo issue which reminded me to check out CBC. Finally I remembered to come back here to deal with this issue and...... hey look my drink is almost empty I better take care of that....

Carla said...

Christ, I threaten to kill people all day long whilst driving, the rotten bastards, what's one more. They'll give a license to anyone, me included.

Effortlessly Average said...

Ok, sorry right off the bat for this...

Karla, can you email me? I have a serious question. Well, not THAT serious, but sorta serious. I promise to threaten to kill you if you do. My email's on my blog. I'd leave it here, but then people would be calling me on the horn all the time, asking me to do photo shoots and shit and it just makes my life a hell, ok; a living hell! hehe.

CommonWombat said...

Here, for Christ's sake:

http://tinyurl.com/2zjet2

I hope you're happy.

Neil said...

You're too cute to want to kill. Sorry.

Malnurtured Snay said...

She's a pansy who can't take criticism is how it seems to me. Oh, and I want you dead.

Ellie's Mommie said...

Okay, that does it! You know very well how much pregnant women enjoy their nap times! 6 annoying musical Elmo toys? That's pushing a woman too far!! One death threat coming up!

You have officially moved to the number one slot on my "Emergency 3AM Mommie Will Kill Someone If She Doesn't Sleep Soon" babysitter list!

Thus you will either meet your demise via the screams of a newborn infant or the vengance of a sleep-deprived Mommie. Your choice!

Legaleagle said...

Once you pop the kid out, I'm sure you'll start getting proper death threats again. Besides, assult (which threats are considered) on a woman who's preggers is a felony. If I'm risking going to jail and becoming somebody's bitch, it's not going to be for a threat. I know, I should quit whining and take one for the team. I suck.

Jack's Shack said...

Clearly the dead rat on your doorstep did not impress you.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Boy I hate it when you get pissed off. I think I'll come over there and kill you.

(Dear Karla: Did I pass Killing 101?)

Lux Lisbon said...

Does a death threat count if come from you mother?

Trouble said...

I'm commenting from inside the house...

honeykbee said...

It's the drugs, I tell ya, the drugs! They've sucked the motivation to kill from everyone! A shame, I say, a true shame.

Meanwhile, what's worse, the Henley threats or death threats? You make the call.

Nocturnal said...

Kill no, torture yes; Hounds style... starting with big fat muddy feet tromping through your clean kitchen to snoring louder than busted chain saws.

Cheers KB

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm thinking the old woman really is dead. She hasn't updated her bliggity blog in over a week.

Spaceman Spiff said...

Did someone kill Karla? Already?!? Man, that sucks! So, who do we get to fill in until her ghost comes back and haunts this place?

Rhea said...

OK, now you've pushed me over the edge. You want a death threat? OK, here's a death threat. I hope you slip on the sidewalk and, and, and -- I can't say it. I just can't say it.

Effortlessly Average said...

Maybe she really did wash her hands of us....

Naaaaaaa, we're like a raging crack habit or filthy whore: you may WANT to stop coming back, but it ain't gonna happen until Oprah pays for it.

You want a death threat? I'll give you a death threat. If you don't come back soon, I'm going to tie you down and floss your teeth with one of they sweaty hairs from my ass. If the thought of that doesn't make you wanna die, then you're clearly the type of person who isn't updating because you're too busy writing love letters to John Hinkley Jr.

{illyria} said...

yes, oh hell, YES. finally. someone laces together the words that describe megalomaniac me: "crybaby trying to find my inner child."

sadly, i don't qualify as lazy. i'm asian, which means i do more but get paid less. hmmm, now there's a cushy motive for a death threat...