Where I come from (Shithole, Missouri, in case I haven't mentioned it), most people have a nickname. Some people have several. Some people are called so exclusively by their nickname that you may not even know what their real first name is. Often the nickname was given as a result of some event or a joke--in other words, it was rooted in some legitimate story. In other cases, the nicknames seemed random and rather arbitrary, as if they were chosen simply because no one could think of anything better at the time. Some of the nicknames I remember from my hometown are:

Head
Roach
Toby
Chief
Frog
Bear
Moose
Spanky
Hocker
Blenderhead
Fly
Squeak
Webby
Boomer
Puppy Pumper
Spot
Bucky
Cheeseburger
Crash
Little Bitty
Pan Face
Lumpy
Chogg

I know you're wondering about Puppy Pumper. That's one of the ones that did have its origin in a particular event. And yes, it's exactly what you're thinking. There was no Humane Society in my town to report him to, either.

Everyone calls my friend Matt by the nickname Buttface. I know another guy named Robot. My friend Jay calls me Cinderella. Common Wombat is (well, admittedly, only to me) Fuckhead Weasel Nuts. And Mighty Dyckerson is widely known as Tinkerbell Sissypants The Big, Crying Girl. I think it was his father who came up with that one, and it just kind of stuck.

Why are nicknames important? Primarily because if you ever end up in jail, you want to have a nickname firmly established, to prevent getting one bestowed upon you that's less favorable than the one you might have acquired outside prison. For example, a person who might have been dubbed Shorty or Bubba if he had gotten his nickname as a child might instead go a lifetime without a nickname, and then, shortly after incarceration, find himself being called "Sally" or "Hotpants" by the other inmates. You can see how this would be bad.

So it's important that Jake get a viable nickname now, one that could stay with him into adulthood. I have a few silly, mommyish nicknames for him, but they're all too babylike to use for much longer. For example, I frequently call him such things as Babyface, Babycakes, Diaper Butt, The Beast, Cakeface, and sometimes--only under my breath--You Little Shit. That last one, while not babyish, isn't exactly a winner, either. And the others--well, not only would a 16-year old be humiliated to be called such things, but an incarcerated adult could get into big trouble with those names, as well.

So it's time to get started on the daunting task of finding Jake a nickname. Lots of people call him Jake The Snake, but that's the lazy man's way out. It's too easy. Every Jake since the beginning of time has been called Jake The Snake. Yawn. I'm looking for something more interesting, more dynamic, more unique.

So I submit this challenge to you--primarily because I have yet to find any kind of redeeming use for you whatsoever--help me think of a nickname for this charming little boy. It has to be one that would work just as well in grade school or Boy Scouts as it would in prison or rehab, just to be sure all bases are covered. Come through for me on this, and I'll forgive you for the shamefully small number of death threats I was able to squeeze out of you gutless swine.

Labels: Get off your asses and help me, The Karlababble Household