Friday, April 13, 2007

Maybe I'll call him The Antichrist.

Where I come from (Shithole, Missouri, in case I haven't mentioned it), most people have a nickname. Some people have several. Some people are called so exclusively by their nickname that you may not even know what their real first name is. Often the nickname was given as a result of some event or a joke--in other words, it was rooted in some legitimate story. In other cases, the nicknames seemed random and rather arbitrary, as if they were chosen simply because no one could think of anything better at the time. Some of the nicknames I remember from my hometown are:

Puppy Pumper
Little Bitty
Pan Face

I know you're wondering about Puppy Pumper. That's one of the ones that did have its origin in a particular event. And yes, it's exactly what you're thinking. There was no Humane Society in my town to report him to, either.

Everyone calls my friend Matt by the nickname Buttface. I know another guy named Robot. My friend Jay calls me Cinderella. Common Wombat is (well, admittedly, only to me) Fuckhead Weasel Nuts. And Mighty Dyckerson is widely known as Tinkerbell Sissypants The Big, Crying Girl. I think it was his father who came up with that one, and it just kind of stuck.

Why are nicknames important? Primarily because if you ever end up in jail, you want to have a nickname firmly established, to prevent getting one bestowed upon you that's less favorable than the one you might have acquired outside prison. For example, a person who might have been dubbed Shorty or Bubba if he had gotten his nickname as a child might instead go a lifetime without a nickname, and then, shortly after incarceration, find himself being called "Sally" or "Hotpants" by the other inmates. You can see how this would be bad.

So it's important that Jake get a viable nickname now, one that could stay with him into adulthood. I have a few silly, mommyish nicknames for him, but they're all too babylike to use for much longer. For example, I frequently call him such things as Babyface, Babycakes, Diaper Butt, The Beast, Cakeface, and sometimes--only under my breath--You Little Shit. That last one, while not babyish, isn't exactly a winner, either. And the others--well, not only would a 16-year old be humiliated to be called such things, but an incarcerated adult could get into big trouble with those names, as well.

So it's time to get started on the daunting task of finding Jake a nickname. Lots of people call him Jake The Snake, but that's the lazy man's way out. It's too easy. Every Jake since the beginning of time has been called Jake The Snake. Yawn. I'm looking for something more interesting, more dynamic, more unique.

So I submit this challenge to you--primarily because I have yet to find any kind of redeeming use for you whatsoever--help me think of a nickname for this charming little boy. It has to be one that would work just as well in grade school or Boy Scouts as it would in prison or rehab, just to be sure all bases are covered. Come through for me on this, and I'll forgive you for the shamefully small number of death threats I was able to squeeze out of you gutless swine.


mist1 said...

If he's ever going to have a career in rap music, please keep in mind that his nickname should start with Lil.

Patti said...

There's a problem with attempting to give someone a nickname when they're too young and that's their lack of experiences. What has Jake accomplished to date? Escaping your uterine prison, peeing & pooping on a consistent basis, allowing himself to be placed inside various places, surviving (that's always a plus when raising a kid but still not something worthy of a nickname).

At least puppy pumper was defined by what I'm sure was breathtakingly beautiful canine carnal lovin'. All Jake has is his ability to function on a daily basis.

So, taking that into consideration and with the full understanding that he's going to earn something far more shocking after being entrusted to your care...I offer the following:

Dung Beetle
The Evacuator
Tits McGee

Sure hope I've helped.

"Herpes" (pronounced "her-pays"...don't know how I got that one.......)

dizzy von damn! said...


fatwonkkid said...

for some reason, that picture is a bit disturbing...

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I'm thinking Clorox given all the pix you take of him in the damn dryer.

Cheers KB

puerileuwaite said...

I vote for "Remus".

Why? At least three good reasons:

1) Having Karla for his mom is the closest (legal) scenario to having been raised by wolves;

2) It's perfect for gay porn, if he so decides;

3) It clearly establishes his position in the prison "Conga Line".

No need to thank me. Counseling parents through difficult decisions is what I do.

Jessica said...

I don't know about the kid but I'm gonna call you Sassy!

CommonWombat said...

Given the funky, disease-ridden (and by now legally condemned) womb he crawled out of, I just think of him as "that poor, poor child."

Anonymous said...

I was called Punkin growing up and it wasn't until I was on my way to Kindergarden that I found out Punkin wasn't my real name (I was 4, people).

My sister still calls me Punkin as do most of her friends -- some of whom I'd date while in my early 20's.

As hard as it is to be a guy and wondering just how far an evening might progress, it's a bit harder when your date has called you "Punkin" all evening. (Maybe it's because it reminded me of when I was younger ... maybe it's just the goofiness of the nickname. Maybe it's the fear of ending up in bed and hearing "Oh Punkin, oh Punkin" over and over. Or even just once, you know, depending upon the amount of alcohol involved.)

Erica Kain said...

Unsuccessful in giving my child any of the "fat names" I was considering, I have successfully pegged her with a nickname that gently implies she is unacceptably overweight.

So thank you for allowing me to apply my skills to your son... How about TITO?

Or maybe that one's better for the dog.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

How about "Jake the MIstake"? (You know,since you forgot to take the pill that day...)

Paul Michael Peters said...


A bit campy, a little intimidating, but as he gets older the girls will all want to find out why he got that nick name.

Anonymous said...


It will serve him well through Boy Scouts and prison alike.

tfg said...

Disease Vector should go over big in pre-school.

Maven said...

This post reminds me of that comedy bit Ron White does about how on his police record he has an alias listed as Ron "Tater Salad" White.

Great post!

Anonymous said...


(Son of Beaver)

tfg said...

How could I forget: Jake, the Trouser Snake?

Scary Monster said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scary Monster said...

Aw, hell. Don't give him a nickname.Give him an acronym like:

SPIP (still poops/pees in pants)
Nah, won't work in the boy scouts.

How about,
DUBAYA (Dumb useless backwoods assinine yellow apeface)
Oh, yeah. Already taken.

Ok here's one,
OSAMA (orafice stretching asshole mangling anthropoid )
The guys in the lock up will definitely stay clear of him.

Iffin these do anything for ya, let me know.


Anonymous said...

ok, a few things:

1.) hi, my name is danny.

2.) that dog looks hot, in a strictly non-beastility way, of course.

3.) I had a friend we all called Toad. I have no idea why, but it was sweet. They called my Chuck. Fuck if I know why.

4.) uh...that's it.

Unknown said...

you've been nominated for a (few) RFS Blog Award(s)

Tim said...

These should be good for all walks of life...

Wake 'n Jake
White Power Jake
Man Lover
Little Boy Lover
Puppy Pumper Jr.

Emily said...

Ok, completely unrelated to this post -- I had the most ranom dream last night that I called you to tell you about a great date I went on. And you were SO not into talking to me. Jerk.


I'll wait for your apology :)

Spaceman Spiff said...

Jake and Bake (will have him as a friend to all the stoners for when he is in boy scouts and the prison inmates best friend - protected from abuse on both sides)
Jumanji Jake (implies danger, a recklessness and horrible diseases)
Jake-o-lantern (pyromaniac, horrific axe murderer - again, very protected in the boy scouts and prison)
Gunslinger (he'll kill you, gets laid a lot)
Zeke (would you mess with a Zeke?)

Anonymous said...

Jake the ripper... Works on all levels...

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

I vote for Jake "jamonit" Babble!

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

And PS, I was totally going to go with something stemming from "Wake 'N' Bake" but Spaceman Spiff beat me to it!

honeykbee said...


Malnurtured Snay said...

What's Wombat's nickname? Pooper?

Anonymous said...

Following mist's lead, I will go with Lil' Donkeypants.
I thought about Vagina Wrangler to help him get the ladies, you know, unlike Mr. Dyckerson, but I think it's too long and sounds like a brand of culottes.
I think Lil' Donkeypants'll do it.
(see what i did there? 'do it'?)

Girl in a Guy's World said...

How about Skid Row. It would be fun to explain in pre-school and cub scouts alike, and he would be sure to have his choice of prison bitches. Just a thought....

Butchie said...

I like Panface the best.

Anonymous said...

Well with a name like "Jake" he's gona need a nickname.

Sudiegirl said...

call him "homer".

Gucci Muse said...

Babble Boy.

Nature Girl said...

I'm thinking Raider would be good. As in Panty Raider per the pic you posted a while back of him raiding your panty drawer. Yeah, Raider...what guy in prison want's to mess with someone named Raider??

Johnny Virgil said...

I think his name should be Balzac, after the poet.

That will also work in prison.