Wednesday, August 29, 2007

12 weeks to blissful stupidity

This is the wrong decade to be on maternity leave.

In my normal, non-maternity leave life, I am too busy to watch much TV, only managing to squeeze in half an hour or an hour per day at most--some days not even that. Which is hardly the American way, and yes, of course it always bothered me that I was failing to permanently damage my brain in that very important way. Sure, the alcohol was picking up some of the slack in terms of brain damage, but there are certain types of demolition that only excessive TV-watching can accomplish. So when faced with the prospect of a few months of maternity leave, I was eagerly anticipating filling my days with mindless TV shows, hopefully emerging at the end of it all sounding like one of Miss South Carolina Teen's cheerleading buddies.

But I was unprepared for how mindless TV has become. The stuff currently airing makes the crappy shows of the '80 and '90s look like videotaped college lectures. I despondently searched the on-screen guide over and over, first adding only nature shows like Planet Earth, Growing Up..., and Nature. But that's not enough TV to fill the day, much less the day and night spent doing those every-three-hour feedings that newborns demand just to be obnoxious. So I lowered my standards and picked through the guide again, adding one or two more shows. Then about a week later I lowered my standards further and grudgingly added one or two more. And so on. Lowering my standards is something I'm pretty familiar with by now. It's how I found many of my friends. Sometimes in life you have to go for quantity over quality, what can I say?

At any rate, here's the abject sadness my TV-watching life has spiraled into:

Meerkat Manor: Combines the "you're a cerebral TV-viewer" appeal of a nature show with cheap soap opera drama as the narrator fills you in on which rodent is cheating on her lover, which rodent is trying to steal her sister's man, and which rodent is willing to kill his brother to gain social status. TV shows on Animal Planet often leave the viewer feeling as if he's learned a thing or two; this one teaches you that, apparently, rodents can be evil, conniving motherfuckers. A lot like the rodents in the next show on this list:

Rock of Love: Crack-crazed hookers battle it out for a chance to blow a middle-aged rock star who hasn't been relevant since 1989. Half the fun is counting the million innovate ways Brett Michaels covers his balding head with do-rags, cowboy hats, skull caps, and aging strippers.

Flipping Out:
This one has actually become an addiction. What's better than watching an anally retentive gay guy (oh, come on--don't stoop to the obvious jokes. If you want that, go back to Obvious Jokeville and don't come back) lose his fucking mind over every little transgression of his staff members while scheduling acupuncture sessions for his cat? And the guy is insanely gorgeous, if you're into insanely gorgeous gay guys, as I know some of you are.

Snapped: True stories of real-life rednecks who kill their spouses in a diabolical plot to keep the Social Security disability checks all to themselves.

No, it's not quite what I had in mind when I imagined my TV-filled days, but it'll have to do. I can knock off a few brain cells this way, and what's left can probably be wiped out later with inhalants. In the meantime, you guys can monitor my intellectual demise as my blog posts get dumber and dumber. (Insert obvious joke here.)

23 comments:

Seth said...

I totally agree. TV has become worse and worse over time. However, I mainly watch early morning cartoons with my child (like Mickey Mouse's Playhouse).

It's funny that you had a child, then I had a child. You just had your second, I just had my second. I'm just going to tell you now...we were planning on stopping after the first one, but this one slipped by......trust me, no more are slipping by.

#1 http://www.iandavidmiller.com
#2 http://www.cadenmichaelmiller.com

Cheers.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Did you have to lower your standards to get pregnant? Does your husband know this?

Listen, have you ever heard of radio? Some of it IS NOT talk show.

Dyck!! said...

Hey, I thought ALL gay guys were anally attentive! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

But seriously, when I'm in the mood for some stimulating TV, I just turn on the poon channel. The signal is scrambled, but I can usually make out the good parts.

Suzi said...

The only one of those I've seen is Meerkat Manor, and it's starting to worry me how much I like it. I find myself secretly crossing my fingers that some horror will befall the babies, like maybe a pointy-beaked bird. Last week the babies' auntie ate them. Spectacular.

Stacie said...

I rarely watch anything but TVLand these days...I can't take the mindnumbing crap on most channels if I even bother to turn on the TV at all...cheer up, I bet that guy that wrote the Kite Runner has something else out there for you to read...
Stacie

sudiegirl said...

What hoss said...I'd do the radio in a pinch, or maybe books on tape.

Hell, Harry Potter might be one to try, right?

andy said...

Hey K-bone,

I actually used to think that Meerkat Manor and Rock Of Love were the same show. Hmmph.

I would also like to point out one of my personal favourites--America's Next Producer. Because if there's one career I'm desperately interested in finding out who's the next big thing, it's Production. I'm just holding out now for America's Favourite Chiropractor.

Congrats on the child. (:

Mr. Poopie said...

Yeah, I accidentally stumbled upon
Flipping Out, and I think addicting is the only way to describe the intrigue with which one watches this shit.

What will set him off? Who will he fire next?

I'll tell you what though, Zoila is funny as hell!

p.s.
if you ever get a chance, watch "Ninja Warrior". It comes on a channel called G4. Entertainment at it's best my friend. Happy viewing.

trinity67 said...

Oh dear lord.

Patti said...

OMG! I love me some Meerkats! Seriously...I damn near cried during that episode where the ostracized female of a neighboring troop was seeking affection from the brother of the head female. Poor girl had ticks on her face and I'll have you know...that shithead loser cheating brother BOINKED her but then never picked those ticks off! She was good enough for a roll in the burrough but he couldn't be bothered with a little feigned interest disguised as mutual grooming! FUCKER!

reminds me a lot of college actually.....

But for reals...I'm wanting to watch "Snapped". Screw reading 20 minutes every night with the kids. They'll be much better off if I figure out whether or not their daddy has malicious plans in his heart. know what I mean?

ADW said...

How addicted am I to Rock of Love. It is pathetic really I am sure that I could be doing so much more ith my Sunday nights. Like kicking dogs and small children.

Tiggerlane said...

I could only handle a few drama-filled episodes of Meerkat Manor, before the fleas got to me.

Try out "Gene Simmons' Family Jewels." He's actually smarter than I ever thought possible. Or even "Hogan Knows Best," b/c he is smarter than you would think, too - both shows are MUCH better than the pooping dogs and drooling, incoherence and screaming spoiled people on The Osbournes.

Then again - FOOTBALL season is upon us, so I know what I'll be watching!

The Ex said...

I love Rock of Love!

George said...

I cannot for the life of me understand how the big, progressive USA will only give you 12 weeks leave. In Canada the mother will get a year paid at about 60% of her working salary and the father is allowed some of that as paternity leave.

Sometimes it must suck to be American

Masked Mom said...

It must be the post-pregnancy hormones making you generous enough to imply that Bret Michaels was relevant EVEN in 1989...

Anonymous said...

Any of these is better than the psychadelic Baby Einstein videos. Though these did usually make the 3am baby calm down. In 30 years when he calls me to ask why he can't get to sleep with LSD, I will feign ignorance.

Effortlessly Average said...

What, no Celebrity Fit Club, Simple Life, or Fox News? I guess you haven't truly hit the bottom of the barrel yet.

Rachel and Zach said...

Okay, ready for something that will REALLY kill brain cells? Watch Pants Off Dance Off. It's like a trainwreck... I can't look away.

Chebbles' Mama said...

I wish you'd gotten off your ass and posted about these shows BEFORE I cancelled my satellite service.

After Tony Soprano bit it, I called the next day and told DirecTV to just disconnect the whole thing. LITTLE DID I KNOW about Rock of Love.

We've been making do with DVD's around here. Chebbles is addicted to "Grease" and "Sound of Music" -- I'm making her a total geek with this fare. If ONLY you'd posted about these sooner...

TexasGal said...

OMG! I had to click on the links. These are real freakin' shows! Bahaha! And I thought the TV shows they have over here were sad. Check out: My Sassy Neighbour http://ch5.mediacorptv.com/shows/sitcom/view/1545/1/.html) They have also had local versions of Deal or No Deal, Singapore Idol, etc. TV here(and I guess back home) seems to SUCK. It's a good thing that I have Malaysia to thank for my ever growing DVD collection.

Nocturnal said...

Lordy, I think Miss South Carolina might be from Crawford, Texas instead.

Cheers

Colin said...

You may as well add The Dog Whisperer to your daily repertoire. The guy is Dr. Phil, but with dogs. Like Dr. Phil, he says the same stuff over and over, but for some reason, I keep watching and he keeps finding people who haven't heard what he's said before.

It's Me... Maven said...

I betcha Miss South Carolina Teen gives great head.

What?

Just thinkin' out loud here...