Wednesday, August 22, 2007

This one is going to inspire you.

Some of you have been whining like a bunch of little girls that it's time for me to get back to blogging. Point taken. While it was only fair that I got to take a little break while I was mired in the all-consuming misery of pregnancy, and then a continued break when I first brought home my bouncing bundle of screaming, pooping joy, you make a good point: Enough is enough. It's time for me to stop thinking of myself and start thinking more of you, my friends inside the computer.

So here I am, and I'm ready to get back to telling you all the exciting details of my life. To that end: I've decided that this new baby we have in the house should be my inspiration for turning over a new leaf. Yes, the old me was pretty fabulous, that's true...but it's funny how a new baby, so fresh and innocent and uncorrupted, can make a person contemplate the flaws in their own life, and want to strive for something better, something cleaner. So please see below my 5-point plan for emerging as The New Me:

1) No more drinking first thing in the morning. I generally get up with the baby at 6:30 or 7 AM, so my day starts early--but in the interest of restraint I will patiently watch the clock until 7:45 before I start mainlining straight vodka.

2) No more shoplifting cigarettes and then selling them to grade school children for a 300% markup. I always knew that was the wrong thing to do, but I did it anyway, and I'm ashamed of that now. From here on out, I will cut the kiddies a break and only mark the smokes up by 200%. That will cut down on the amount of money they have to steal from their mothers' purses, so everyone's karma improves. I'm feeling pretty good about this one.

3) No more picking up and killing hitchhikers just for the sport of it.
I can't promise I won't kill a hitchhiker here and there (that would be like promising I won't eat or sleep ever again!) but from now on when I do it, it will be for more philanthropic reasons, like to spare them from a life of impurity, or to make the world a better-smelling place.

4) No more mocking the elderly. I want to free up more time for mocking the disabled, the poor, and the abused. I really think I've gone as far as I can go in terms of mocking the elderly, anyway, so this one is a no-brainer.

5) No more wasting all my time by spending it with my children and husband. From here on out, I pledge to devote way more time to surfing the internet for porn, cruising internet sex chat rooms, and of course, blogging. I will allot what I think is a very fair and reasonable amount of time each day--exactly 15 minutes--to family, and the rest belongs to the internet. I've had the foresight to purchase a small egg timer to make sure I don't accidentally go beyond the 15 minute mark.

So there you have it, and I think this proves that I'm the kind of person who is always meticulously striving toward self-improvement. You guys could stand to exhibit a little of that perfectionism yourselves. It's not too late: You, too, can change.

26 comments:

George said...

Hi ... I just popped in from ADWs blog and find that you are just a funny or whacked out as she is ... you're a good read and I'll be back for more punishment

Dyck!! said...

YOU CRAZY BABBLER! Kudos for the everyday low prices on cigarettes! I just hope your supplier isn't from China. Lead can be dangerous.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Congrats on the baby!

I haven't been by your site in a while. It's good, but you really are like a female Mighty Dyckerson, aren't you?

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Always the giver!

karla said...

Dr. Kenneth: You are hereby banned from Karlababble forever. That kind of insult doesn't go unpunished.

Mr. Poopie said...

Well thank God! I was beginning to worry that your little neonate would begin to consume not only your life force but the time you dedicate to verbally abusing us.

Glad to see someone's priorities are in order.

(however, I do think 15 minutes is a little much)

Antonio said...

Are sure you don't kill hitchhiker's for their booze? Sure it's low quality, but then again it's not about the taste I'm guessing.

It's Me... Maven said...

While you're at it, check out Google images on bifurcated penis.

It'll enrich your life.

Trust me.

anonymouscoworker said...

Thank goodness you're back! I was beginning to worry that the internet wouldn't have anyone to point to as the "world's worst blogger" anymore. It was much too hard to choose between the other options.

Patti said...

Dearest Crazy Lady,

You know, it's amazing how the simple act of opening one's legs and forgetting to buy condoms can (for some) lead to such pure, unyielding joy. I've heard tell (having no such experience myself) that welcoming a new life can make even the coldest, darkest life forms feel this way. Of course, when I brought mine home the feelings I remember most have more to do with the state of my mangled taint than anything remotely philosophical like yours. I can only guess you've been given better antipsychotics than were available to me (BITCH). Well, that or you delivered through your more than ample mouth-hole (don't hate, it's a gorgeous chasm...just embrace it).

Regardless, personally speaking I'm glad you've taken the time to reevaluate your priorities and do the necessary inner work that's making this epiphany possible for you. I only hope this healing spirit of rejuvenation and enlightenment spreads throughout your soul and endures.

I happen to know that there's not an ointment or injection around that can otherwise heal what ails you.

Bright Blessings & Bimbo Biscuits,

Me

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Those are some pretty weighty goals, Karla. But if anybody can do it, you can.

puerileuwaite said...

You didn't rule out the "other" type of morning "goose". So I would keep the cigarettes handy.

Dyck!! said...

Dr. Loudnoise, you are very perceptive. Ms. Babble and I are like twins. We even share the same underwear. We should probably start laundering them soon...

TexasGal said...

Thanks for making time to keep all of us amused! Between the the vodka, cigarette pushing, and finding new places to burry the bodies where do you find the time? Beautiful baby picture too.

Angela Allen said...

Chase is beautiful Karla! Can't wait to see her!!

Stan! said...

Ms Babble, many of us in the intellectual elite find Dyck to be an abso-bloody-lutely, spiffing chap.
If there is any hope for you,Ms Babble it probably lies in your rededication to active perusal of internet porn...it's what Dyck would want of all of us...

Stacie said...

Yesterday I was driving around and I noticed a vanity plate that said KBSELLS and I thought to myself "There she is Stace, There she is..you can finally get that heroin fix you've been craving!" and then I started honking my horn like crazy and motioning the driver to pull over so I could buy a bag, but then I noticed the backseat was completely devoid of carseats and I knew it wasn't you. I mean, really...you wouldn't hit the streets pushing drugs without your children in tow...
So here I am, without my fix and now I have to just add flavored rum to my orange juice.
life is so unfair.
Stacie

Tyler Durden said...

WOW your blogging again. Is the new baby off the tit or did you learn how to type with the baby attached to your fun bags?phzszme

Chebbles' Mama said...

I'm so proud of you and your new leaf. I assume your own children will get an even bigger discount on the smokes? For extra Karla-Karma points?

~Tim said...

Wouldn't it be more efficient to open your own sex chat room? You know we would all show up -- oh, wait. That's probably a better reason not to.... Never mind.

Sudiegirl said...

You know...I think you might be on to somethin' there, but don't go spreadin' that around.

:-D

mindy said...

i drink enough at night that when i wake up, i'm still drunk. that works great.. esp. in a time crunch.

Effortlessly Average said...

I notice you've decided to continue to traffic in black market babies. I guess every girl needs to make a living huh?

Don't worry, though: I'm sure it's only a matter of time before your new spawn is just as corrupt and jaded as you are. And that'll make life easier for us all, trust me.

I'd say congratulations, but you might think I care, and I know how much you hate that. Wait, now that I think about it.... CONGRATULATIONS!

Lyvvie said...

Can be Thelma to your Louise? I'm sure we can get all the baby seats in the back of your car...

A Life Uncommon said...

Your self improvement habits are hysterical! I'm impressed.

Jenny! said...

I will pick up your slack and start drinking more and killing more hitchhikers...thanks for picking up teh internet porn...I think I have seen all the poon and cock possible!