Friday, September 07, 2007

Thank God one of you finally got it right.

I've been blogging for a couple of years now, and it's been an exercise in disappointment. Lo these many months I have waited for you guys to be of some use to me--in even the most remote way--and yet you have steadfastly remained as useless as penis on an impotent man.

I've tried to squeeze something out of you, God knows. For instance, I've tried time and again to get one of you to raise my son for me, with no luck. I've solicited your help and advice in times of need, to no avail. My grandma used to say everyone has a talent, and I thought she was wise so I foolishly believed her--but you guys have taught me that the old bat was utterly full of crap. Turns out most of you are good for nothing, and I was starting to have a pretty bleak picture of the world...til yesterday.

When I looked out my window yesterday afternoon and saw the UPS truck pull up in my driveway, I was confused at first. I thought, "That's weird...I just ordered my Real Doll two days ago; there's no way it can be arriving so soon." But what did arrive was something that managed to restore my faith in humanity. It was booze.

Not just any booze--a bottle of wine sent to me by one of my blog readers--someone I've never met in person. This, people, is why I got into blogging. Oh, bloggers will tell you they blog because they want a creative outlet or because they need to vent their feelings--that's all total bullshit. We all do it for one reason and one reason only: We hope someone will send us free booze. Til yesterday, all the hours I've spent slaving away at these inspiring, Pulitzer-worthy blog posts has netted me exactly zilch, unless you count the occasional unwanted, sweaty, mentally challenged house guest. Now, finally, thanks to Ben, it's all been worthwhile. So I encourage you to follow Ben's excellent example. I know you've been told your whole life, by your parents and your teachers, that you're worthless and good for nothing--and for the most part, that's been dead-on. But it may not be too late to change. Make it your mission to justify your existence on this earth in some small way. Get thee to the nearest liquor store as quickly as humanly possible, and fill your shopping carts with as many of those beautiful bottles as you can push to cash register without permanently damaging your back. Ask a stock boy for help, if you must. Then speed to the nearest post office and pack those bottles of sweet nectar as carefully as you can--spare no expense! And ship them to me, overnight, if possible. You may not be able to make it into heaven, but you might at least secure yourself a spot in one of the lesser circles of hell.

18 comments:

ADW said...

Back to your old self I see. I take Captain Morgans and crack as blog buddy love tokens.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU CRAZY BABBLER!!! I've got something you can "squeeze" out of me, baby! I'd be happy to send you a bottle of Jack (laced with Ecstasy), if only you would give me your address.

And not that phony address you gave me last time. I'm still getting love letters from Common Dingbat.

puerileuwaite said...

Hic. I seem to have consumed all of my adult beverages. Will a couple jars of my urine do?

Nocturnal said...

May the hangover be in full force, you're officially off the wagon now.

Cheers

Patti said...

That's funny, Ben sent me a car, and cash. Well....last month anyway. Before that it was this white powder from Columbia...I thought it was baking soda so I lined the catbox with it. But then when the cat died he sent me the cutest family of meerkats. They must've been on parole for something-or-other though because they all had those house-arrest collars on them. Weird.

Anyway, just ONE bottle of booze? Is it a gift or is he taunting you?

Think about it....

Seth said...

interesting...i was going to do this as well (or stalk you) but i couldn't find your address.

Anonymous said...

Let us know when you hallucinate this. (300 yard long banana balloon- it's in Texas!!)
http://www.boingboing.net/2007/09/11/artist-will-send-300.html

Rachel and Zach said...

Damn, Karla. Clearly you HAVE been watching too much TV. Your Real Doll reference assures me that you, too, have sat through the inspirational and moving documentary "Love Me, Love My Doll." How many times did you dry heave?

Effortlessly Average said...

huh [insert indignant grunt here]. I'm insulted. Here I've sent your kids volumes of circus animal porn, cases of Chinese cigarettes and lead-based paint toys, while for you the difinitive guide on trafficing in black market babies (yes, it was an "Idiot's Guide"), and have I ever received mention or validation of any sort? NO!

Now far be it from me to pander for recognition because, hey, let's be honest: I've got plenty of all that stuff to spare. But c'mon, a little bone throw would be appreciated now and then (and I dont' mean Wombat's, mkay?). I mean really, the least you could do is send me a video of you showering or better yet, one of whatever you did to require a shower. Alas, all I received was a visit from the feds after sending you that little "care package." What the hell; you said if I was going to send you guns, I should include the ammo (the naked pictures of Dick Cheney were just for effect).

jill said...

Thank you for giving a new blogger a little hope. Booze, Charles Manson videos and dark chocolate gourmet peanut butter cups, alone or all three in a nice basket, would be wonderful. But I'm only into my second month of blog - do you think I'll have to wait two YEARS? FYI - my real doll arrived in two days so it wasn't that crazy of a thought.

(Your blog is great.)

S. Vincent said...

booze through the mail you say? Hmm, maybe I have found a way to fall off the wagon without being personally responsible! Everyone here do me a favor and send me 3 bottles of Jack. This way when my parents give me the disapproving look for the one millionth time, my defense can be "the booze just showed up in the mail, I swear!"

Crunchy BC said...

Ship you my booze? You'd have a better chance of getting me to mail you the contents of my yam bag.

New Diva on the Blog said...

Cheers and congrats, may we all achieve your level of success. Only in my case Belvedere will quite nicely thanks.

Patti said...

Zzzzzzzzzzz

Effortlessly Average said...

Blah blah blah

I'll send you alcohol when you start giving free hand jobs.

K said...

Brilliant. Utterly brilliant. Now don't go spilling the secret all at once.


(-K, still waiting on her free booze. Please?)

Tiggerlane said...

Alas, deliveries of booze are illegal in my state. Shucks.

I need it MORE, too, b/c I live in a dry county, and have to drive an hour and a half ONE WAY to get alcohol.

Then again, what UPS doesn't know....

Chief Slacker said...

I too have recieved wine from a reader. Mine came via the Biltmore estate. All good n snooty. I have also exhanged cheese with a friend in Maine and recieved LIVE maine lobster in return. It's incredibly odd to open a stranged styrofoam box when you get home and have two live lobster stare back...