Case in point #1:
The other day at a stop light I spotted this van, which has been white-trashified beyond typical factory van standards with the addition of a

Case in point #2:
Yesterday in the grocery store I was reminded just how determined you are to become morbidly obese just to piss your doctor off and to discourage your spouse from asking for sex. The world's crappiest, least nutritious food

I used to live in Missouri, so I kno

1) Stop laughing at Jeff Foxworthy. He was funny for the first 20 minutes of his career, but after that point it became a dangerous plot to encourage rednecks to embrace their loserdom, rather than to wash up and visit a dentist like normal folks.
2) Stop getting all giddy about fireworks every 4th of July. Getting shitfaced and lighting up explosives is not something that should fall under the category of "family fun," and not what our forefathers wanted when they envisioned us commemorating their sacrifices. Because our forefathers were not, I assume, a bunch of smelly hillbillies.
3) Stop supporting NASCAR. Driving is not a sport, although I can see how you might get excited about it if all you ever get to drive is a mule. But the truth is, anything you can compete in while smoking 3 packs of Marlboros a day is not technically a sport. And while I understand that the fact that you're allowed to bring coolers of beer to these live sporting events is a mighty powerful draw, that doesn't justify anything. You can drink in your home and in your car, like all Godfearing Americans.
Okay, so it's only a 3-point plan at this point. What does it matter, anyway? Rednecks aren't so great at math. But if any of you non-rednecks can think of a 4th and 5th point to complete my 5-Point Plan, I'd appreciate the help. Then, once we rid decent society of these pesky rednecks, we can work on getting rid of the soccer moms and the Mormons.
32 comments:
This post is just down right scary.
TGIF and drink now that you can.
Cheers
YOU CRAZY BABBLER!!! Wieners and buns in one convenient package? Brilliant, I tell you! Now if only they came topped with mustard and onions...
4. has to be something to do with Christmas lights and plastic reindeer on your trailer lawn( only non - trailer living people call them "mobile homes"/) . you can make that witty, kb.
5. something assinine to do with the f ing confederate flag , perhaps??
How about you add STOP shooting your fucking bullets at anything thing that fucking moves and eating it or worse yet mounting it! Animal suffering is not cool, funny, or a sure sign of macho manlinesshood. Those who really NEED the meat for survival and not just "Sport" get a pass.
Can you imagine a redneck, Mormon soccer mom travelling across town in one of those ... trailer vans.
You know what they says about rednecks ... if shit were electricity they would all be powerhouses ... I guess that's how they power the A/C
My kids are so on to the whole NASCAR thing--a few years ago, they told me NASCAR stands for "Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks."
Uh, hel-loooo, driving is not a sport? Clearly you've never seen yourself drive.
Considering that hot dogs are pre-cooked and therefore don't actually NEED to be heated at all, we can get that prep-time down to 0.0 seconds.
You've got me thinking though... If I invent a machine that pre-chews the hot dogs and then shoots them straight down your throat, I could make a fortune. Perfect for the on-the-go NASCAR / hunting / child-porn enthusiast!
Now stop taking pics of my "surveillance" van.
Heeeeyyyy... now that I think about it, I've seen that van parked at various places in my neighborhood. Should I be worried?
Now Karla, you know the rednecks in the immediate vicinity of the DFW metroplex are discriminating and only buy Lone Star beer. Tsk. Tsk. And hotdogs are nasty..much like all processed meat foods. Do you know they still make "potted meat"? Blegh.
4. Ban any vehicle that has jacked up wheels and whose horn blares "Dixie"...oh wait, that was a tv show, wasn't it? Shit!
Ok, ok:
4. Ban the mullet within city limits. That'll hold 'em back..for awhile anyway.
5. Ship them to France for exile.
Point 4 should be having them all swim in one of your fine lakes so they can get that brain-eating disease.
wait....that would require a brain. JEEBUZ! Rednecks will be the only life forms left on this mangy planet!
I'm gonna go drink myself into a stupor now...thanks...
I only have one:
No more lawn art!!!
Quit effing decorating your overgrown, weed infested trailer patch with lawn jockeys, gazing globes and geese dressed in the latest hilbilly fashion.
The AC on the back is margnal to me. They jsut need to hide it better.
What about urban white trash? You failed to mention the Escalade in front of the trailer.
~Jef
What a service you are providing, keep up the good work.
4) Stop laughing at Larry the Cable Guy. "Get-er-done" was funny for about five seconds and that was because I was sniffing paint at the time.
That's my sole contribution.
My kids thank you for the picture. There are 8 of them and the youngest and the oldest don't have any pictures of their Daddies.
Hell, I didn't even know they knew each other. Thanks again...
Ok you..just because you moved to the big city does NOT mean you are better then us that you left behind. Eat your hotdog and shut the fuck up..you ex-redneck...and don't forget the gravy.
Hello beautiful fancy lady. Will you be showing your badger on the interweb tomorrow for HNT's? I will be sure to look if so.
Many many many blessings my dear,
Akbar Muhad
Dang. If I knew you were lookin' fer wiener and buns all in one package, I woulda moseyed over sooner. And my El Camino has AC built right in, so "el come on o".
Wait...you mean hotdogs aren't ALREADY half digested? Are you sure about that? I'd almost stake my life on it...
I'm all for ridding the world of mormons..in fact...I say we keep the rednecks if it means we're rid of the mormons faster..
...supporting Formula One is okay though, right? Because they have, you know, hot drivers and Ferarris and stuff. I don't think I can get rid of my F1 addiction, Karla, I just don't think I can do it.
Great. The one redneck activity I participate heartily in (fireworks), I will have to give up.
Dang.
I'm sorry...did anyone else find that Akbar guy's comment a bit too creepy?
Sassy, it's an inside joke. Akbar is actually a good friend of Karla's, being in the same "sleeper cell" and whatnot.
Did you forget State Fairs? The vacation spot of all Rednecks, with the demolition derby, its a regular hang out for the less inclined to go to Disneyland.
One plus to the weiners and the buns being sold together finally solves the whole issue of them not being packaged with the same quantity of each. I think it's normally 8 buns and 10 weiners or something like that. Reminds me of Steve Martin in that movie where his daughter is getting married and he freaks out in the grocery store.
Karla, it's been nearly two weeks since you've posted and you're about to be taken off the short list of things I like to do at work, Wait that sounded kinda dirty.
It's really interesting what you choose to respond to.
~Jef
Edge: Are you just saying that to try to get me to respond to you? Well, I'm not falling for it. I'm not going to respond to you.
Shit.
Pug-Duh! I was trying to be sarcastic. Jeez...I'm not THAT blonde!
AMEN!
I'm on the bandwagon with you about Jeff Foxworthy....
Wow! You hit about every point I have always thought! I laughed out loud the entire time! Thanks a million!
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