Friday, September 28, 2007

Your days are numbered, rednecks.

I'm continually surprised by you people. You constantly prove to be way more fucked up than I previously suspected. And it appears that, by and large, you're all a bunch of hillbillies.

Case in point #1:

The other day at a stop light I spotted this van, which has been white-trashified beyond typical factory van standards with the addition of a window air-conditioner mounted in the back. Now, I suppose, the owner of this shitmobile is able to leer at young children on school playgrounds in relative comfort, in spite of the unyielding Texas heat. Turns out some of you out there are actually quite innovative, despite your low IQ and steady diet of Milwaukee's Best Light.

Case in point #2:

Yesterday in the grocery store I was reminded just how determined you are to become morbidly obese just to piss your doctor off and to discourage your spouse from asking for sex. The world's crappiest, least nutritious food, the hot dog, while formerly something that took 18 seconds to prepare and consume, has now been made even more convenient with the creation of these Fast Franks. Since the hot dog has already been placed on the bun for you, it is no longer necessary to take the time to open both a pack of hot dogs and a pack of buns, bringing the total prep time for this disgusting meal down to 9.2 seconds. With any luck, you can have your arteries 90% blocked and your ass 92% enlarged in half the time you were previously allotting. What's next? A hot dog that's already half-digested?

I used to live in Missouri, so I know rednecks. That's why my redneck radar goes off when I see things like this. But I won't sit back and let you toothless moonshine traffickers take over my fine city. In an effort to scare you back to the woods you're continually emerging from, I will encourage all my fine, upstanding friends and acquaintances to join me in this 5-point plan to discourage you hillbillies from settling here and spawning:

1) Stop laughing at Jeff Foxworthy. He was funny for the first 20 minutes of his career, but after that point it became a dangerous plot to encourage rednecks to embrace their loserdom, rather than to wash up and visit a dentist like normal folks.

2) Stop getting all giddy about fireworks every 4th of July. Getting shitfaced and lighting up explosives is not something that should fall under the category of "family fun," and not what our forefathers wanted when they envisioned us commemorating their sacrifices. Because our forefathers were not, I assume, a bunch of smelly hillbillies.

3) Stop supporting NASCAR. Driving is not a sport, although I can see how you might get excited about it if all you ever get to drive is a mule. But the truth is, anything you can compete in while smoking 3 packs of Marlboros a day is not technically a sport. And while I understand that the fact that you're allowed to bring coolers of beer to these live sporting events is a mighty powerful draw, that doesn't justify anything. You can drink in your home and in your car, like all Godfearing Americans.

Okay, so it's only a 3-point plan at this point. What does it matter, anyway? Rednecks aren't so great at math. But if any of you non-rednecks can think of a 4th and 5th point to complete my 5-Point Plan, I'd appreciate the help. Then, once we rid decent society of these pesky rednecks, we can work on getting rid of the soccer moms and the Mormons.

32 comments:

Nocturnal said...

This post is just down right scary.

TGIF and drink now that you can.

Cheers

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU CRAZY BABBLER!!! Wieners and buns in one convenient package? Brilliant, I tell you! Now if only they came topped with mustard and onions...

gina said...

4. has to be something to do with Christmas lights and plastic reindeer on your trailer lawn( only non - trailer living people call them "mobile homes"/) . you can make that witty, kb.

5. something assinine to do with the f ing confederate flag , perhaps??

Calamity Jane said...

How about you add STOP shooting your fucking bullets at anything thing that fucking moves and eating it or worse yet mounting it! Animal suffering is not cool, funny, or a sure sign of macho manlinesshood. Those who really NEED the meat for survival and not just "Sport" get a pass.

George said...

Can you imagine a redneck, Mormon soccer mom travelling across town in one of those ... trailer vans.

You know what they says about rednecks ... if shit were electricity they would all be powerhouses ... I guess that's how they power the A/C

Masked Mom said...

My kids are so on to the whole NASCAR thing--a few years ago, they told me NASCAR stands for "Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks."

Effortlessly Average said...

Uh, hel-loooo, driving is not a sport? Clearly you've never seen yourself drive.

CommonWombat said...

Considering that hot dogs are pre-cooked and therefore don't actually NEED to be heated at all, we can get that prep-time down to 0.0 seconds.

You've got me thinking though... If I invent a machine that pre-chews the hot dogs and then shoots them straight down your throat, I could make a fortune. Perfect for the on-the-go NASCAR / hunting / child-porn enthusiast!

Now stop taking pics of my "surveillance" van.

Effortlessly Average said...

Heeeeyyyy... now that I think about it, I've seen that van parked at various places in my neighborhood. Should I be worried?

Sassy Blondie said...

Now Karla, you know the rednecks in the immediate vicinity of the DFW metroplex are discriminating and only buy Lone Star beer. Tsk. Tsk. And hotdogs are nasty..much like all processed meat foods. Do you know they still make "potted meat"? Blegh.

4. Ban any vehicle that has jacked up wheels and whose horn blares "Dixie"...oh wait, that was a tv show, wasn't it? Shit!

Ok, ok:
4. Ban the mullet within city limits. That'll hold 'em back..for awhile anyway.

5. Ship them to France for exile.

Patti said...

Point 4 should be having them all swim in one of your fine lakes so they can get that brain-eating disease.

wait....that would require a brain. JEEBUZ! Rednecks will be the only life forms left on this mangy planet!

I'm gonna go drink myself into a stupor now...thanks...

ADW said...

I only have one:

No more lawn art!!!

Quit effing decorating your overgrown, weed infested trailer patch with lawn jockeys, gazing globes and geese dressed in the latest hilbilly fashion.

Edge said...

The AC on the back is margnal to me. They jsut need to hide it better.

What about urban white trash? You failed to mention the Escalade in front of the trailer.

~Jef

New Diva on the Blog said...

What a service you are providing, keep up the good work.

Antonio said...

4) Stop laughing at Larry the Cable Guy. "Get-er-done" was funny for about five seconds and that was because I was sniffing paint at the time.

That's my sole contribution.

Old Woman that lived in a shoe said...

My kids thank you for the picture. There are 8 of them and the youngest and the oldest don't have any pictures of their Daddies.

Hell, I didn't even know they knew each other. Thanks again...

La Boom said...

Ok you..just because you moved to the big city does NOT mean you are better then us that you left behind. Eat your hotdog and shut the fuck up..you ex-redneck...and don't forget the gravy.

Akbar Muhad said...

Hello beautiful fancy lady. Will you be showing your badger on the interweb tomorrow for HNT's? I will be sure to look if so.

Many many many blessings my dear,

Akbar Muhad

puerileuwaite said...

Dang. If I knew you were lookin' fer wiener and buns all in one package, I woulda moseyed over sooner. And my El Camino has AC built right in, so "el come on o".

Stacie said...

Wait...you mean hotdogs aren't ALREADY half digested? Are you sure about that? I'd almost stake my life on it...

I'm all for ridding the world of mormons..in fact...I say we keep the rednecks if it means we're rid of the mormons faster..

Lyvvie said...

...supporting Formula One is okay though, right? Because they have, you know, hot drivers and Ferarris and stuff. I don't think I can get rid of my F1 addiction, Karla, I just don't think I can do it.

Tiggerlane said...

Great. The one redneck activity I participate heartily in (fireworks), I will have to give up.

Dang.

Sassy Blondie said...

I'm sorry...did anyone else find that Akbar guy's comment a bit too creepy?

puerileuwaite said...

Sassy, it's an inside joke. Akbar is actually a good friend of Karla's, being in the same "sleeper cell" and whatnot.

The Middle Lifer said...

Did you forget State Fairs? The vacation spot of all Rednecks, with the demolition derby, its a regular hang out for the less inclined to go to Disneyland.

TexasGal said...

One plus to the weiners and the buns being sold together finally solves the whole issue of them not being packaged with the same quantity of each. I think it's normally 8 buns and 10 weiners or something like that. Reminds me of Steve Martin in that movie where his daughter is getting married and he freaks out in the grocery store.

rob rob the party slob said...

Karla, it's been nearly two weeks since you've posted and you're about to be taken off the short list of things I like to do at work, Wait that sounded kinda dirty.

Edge said...

It's really interesting what you choose to respond to.

~Jef

karla said...

Edge: Are you just saying that to try to get me to respond to you? Well, I'm not falling for it. I'm not going to respond to you.

Shit.

Sassy Blondie said...

Pug-Duh! I was trying to be sarcastic. Jeez...I'm not THAT blonde!

Slick said...

AMEN!

I'm on the bandwagon with you about Jeff Foxworthy....

ida said...

Wow! You hit about every point I have always thought! I laughed out loud the entire time! Thanks a million!