Monday, October 15, 2007

Some of life's great mysteries

Maybe you can answer a few questions for me. I can't figure these out, no matter how much I drink:

--Why do all middle-aged Asian ladies wear sweater sets to the gym? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining--any time a person wears too much clothing instead of too little to the gym, I'm more than fine with it. There are plenty of people I wish would wear a floor-length fur coat, diving goggles, and that big red-and-white striped hat from The Cat In The Hat. But it does make me curious when I see those sweater sets. That can't be comfortable in the aerobics room, can it?

--When a good song comes on the radio, why are the least vocally talented people in the room determined to ruin it by squealing along? Just when I start to enjoy the music, the falsetto shrieks of the untalented kill the music in a vicious, unprovoked attack. Granted, some songs, like those by Britney Spears or Paula Abdul, can't be hurt even by the worst sing-alongers, because they already suck so mightily in their unmolested state, but why ruin the good stuff that comes on the radio?

--Aren't baby toys supposed to play happy, whimsical tunes? One of my daughter's crib toys--I can't be sure, but I think it's playing "Suicide Is Painless," which sounded appropriate enough as the theme song to M*A*S*H, but somewhat creepy when coming from my daughter's bed. Still, it entertains her, so I have no problem with it, at least until I find her in there building a homemade gin still or trying to perform a tracheotomy on her brother.

--Why does it seem to me like such an insurmountable task to buy pillows for our bed? I've been trying for about 6 years--no lie--to replace our floppy, sad pillows, but can't seem to commit to any of the pillows I see in the store. Time and time again I shop for pillows, pick them up, fluff them, squeeze them, imagine sleeping on them--and then put them back on the shelf. Would one of you please put me out of this misery and just go out and buy me some decent bed pillows? Just send me the bill. Otherwise I may die in 50 or so years with my elderly head resting on these same ratty-ass pillows.

32 comments:

Edge said...

Most would tell you to get laid. I'm going to tell you I have never heard the likes of such freaky questions. the Asian ladies who do my wife's toes always have these low cut shirts and sag ... I don't get it. Should they wear like scrubs or something?

~Jef

ADW said...

I replace my pillows every six months. What can I say....I drool a lot in my sleep.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Sweater sets at the gym? I guess I still have not gotten past the socks and sandals thing to notice that.

I am picky about my pillows too - I finally found really good ones at Bed Bath & Beyond - ther were synthetic down ones.

psquared said...

Ikea has the BEST pillows. And they are cheap!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Look no further, you crazy babbler! Professor Dyck has the answers you seek!!

--I think the Asian chicks steal the sweaters from the laundromats where they work.

--I know how you feel. Every time somebody sings over a Don Henley song, I go apeshit.

--That's nothing. When I was a tot, I had a toy that played the theme from Maude. The theme from MAUDE!!! (Is this thing on??!)

--I'll be happy to come over and "fluff your pillows" for you!

karla said...

Dyck:

Given the big gay crush you have on Don Henley, I'm pretty sure it's my husband whose pillows you'd rather fluff, not mine.

nita said...

you have to part with major cash for great pillows. i recently did just that. effing killed me. and then i took a little break, 2 days, from my insane little family and my dog pissed on them because he was mad at me.

i have the best dog rug ever now...

Stacie said...

I recently bought new pillows for my bed, I've been suffering a horrible stiff neck ever since. Stick with what you've got, it's much less painful that way.
Stacie

jill said...

Similar mysteries that seem to occur only when I drink...Asian women wearing pillows to the gym, and singing along to whimsical baby toys. Hint on the pillow dilemma - buy a few, take them home, keep the plastic wrap, sample a few and then take the bad pillows back. Save your receipt!

marky said...

what radio station do you listen to? there's good stuff in Texas?Not since the 70's i think.
Now...i heard that you feel compelled to make 'small penis' comments on a daily basis check this out . I think we know the truth.

The Middle Lifer said...

I have an Asian next door, 10 years and the biatch still can't say hello. Her Czech boyfriend talks my head off. Asians, they really think they are better than you.

Singing along?, thats for fags. Thats why American Idol is a hit show, all the fags love it and sing along.

Pillows are for use to prop you ass when getting it from behind, try one out there to get the real feel for a good pillow. That will make your hubby very happy!

Chebbles' Mama said...

These pillows weren't "used" in any way by CW, were they?

Anyway, I just went out and bought the cheapest-ass pillows at the cheapest-ass linen store, and they are my new favorites -- I almost bit Hub-D for taking one away from me in the middle of the night.

And that's a pretty awesome crib toy. Can we call your daughter Hot Lips?

tfg said...

If you think good pillows are hard to find, try shopping for a quality set of rubber sheets.

rob rob the party slob said...

You've stumbled upon the questions that will reveal the world to you once you figure them out. You're so close to finding the true meaning of life...

Oh and I'm pleased that you blogged again... thanks

marky said...

Thank you for your comment Mrs Babble. Are those crib toys made in Asia?

Patti said...

1. The cotten blend sweater ensemble absorbs sweat so as not to chaff their delicate yellow skin (what? sometimes it's yellow!). Then all they have to do is wring it out, put it back on and now it's just damp enough to mimic a spongebath without depleting our great nation's water supply. Them silly asians are going green...good for them!

2. gimme gimme more gimme more gimme gimme more....gimme gimme...ah fuck it.

3. I swear my youngest got this swimming fish light-up vibrator (no really it was one of those dinglewoppers that's supposed to mimic the womb by "gently" shaking the crib which is bizarre since the only time I can recall my womb shaking was when I was horizontal - am I right or am I right? - not to mention most kids come with that "do not shake" tag on them so the whole concept surrounding that little item smacked of entrapment if you ask me...but ...where was I?) OH YEAH...it played "Jaws"....I thought it was cute. Those little goldfish swimming in the sparkling sea to the tune of "duh-nuh....duh-nuh. duh-nuhduhnuhduhnuh". Fantastic!

C. At your age pillows are for smothering, not sleeping. In 50 years you'll have fewer people walking around pissing you off so you can sleep then.

Tiggerlane said...

I have ratty-ass pillows, too - only with ratty-ass pillowcases. I refuse to buy new cases until I get new pillows. If you find out the secret perfect pillow - PLEASE let me know!

Rachel said...

I see you already have plenty of pillow suggestions, but I'd like to offer mine too. If you have a Sams membership, go check out the Hotel brand pillows. I have one, and I don't even let my kid touch it because she might get boogers on it or make it smell funny. That's how much I love it.

Effortlessly Average said...

I say forget the dacron and polyester and find yourself a nice set of DD "pillows" to rest your head upon. Gives "fluffing the pillows" a whole new meaning.

Sassy Blondie said...

Along with the Asian lady sweater sets, these lovely, albeit chatty old Jewish ladies at my old gym always wore silk, padded jogging sets and enough jewelry to open their own store. Not only were they silk, but they had some crazy loudass patterns too. And these ladies came mostly for the water aerobics classes and NEVER removed all of said jewelry. I always wondered if I was the only one who thought that was odd.

I will add to your frustration with bad singers the "trained" singer who turns any song into something that sounds like an opera or show tune. I hate that shit! I mean, if they were going to be a singing star, why are they teaching choir to 5th graders?

Just buy the pillows already! You will never find the perfect pillow...this I know for sure. Just gotta replace them, as ADW stated, about every 6 months.

I guess "Suicide is Painless" is better than some Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson lullaby, no?

Anonymous said...

If you are desperate, buy some down pillows. Buy lots of them and then use any number that feels good. I kid you not, this is the solution.

Plexus said...

Wow, glad I stopped by. I've got a whole shopping list of gifts NOT to buy my friends' kids and my baby niece.

Did somebody really use the "Fluff you pillows" line in the comments or did my screen just pixilate oddly?

Took me years to replace my ratty-ass pillows. The trick is to get a bout of insomnia and you'll be buying a new one the next day. Because it has to be the ratty-ass pillow that is the culprit of the missing sleep, not your over-active, possibly stressed-out mind.

Now Egyptian cotton sheets are a different thing entirely...

Patti said...

Oooooo egyptian cotton....I call those our "slave sheets" because I'm almost 100% sure they're made by a group of orphaned refugees deep in the bowels of Africa who are forced to work 30-hour days for a single grain of rice, less flogging (there's never NO flogging) and the chance to feel the fetid, suffocating air of the penned in lifestock yard once every three months.

But like Oprah says... GOD they are comfortable.

new diva on the blog said...

The right pillow is the eternal search, kinda like the Holy Grail. I'm not sure it's attainment is possible. Good luck to you though!

George said...

My excuse for the pillows is that they have never felt as comfortable as my old ones that have smunched to lumps. There is a new pillow I say that is made from ... crushed nuts of some kind and it is supposed to give a fabulous sleep. I'll stick to the old ones I have

PlatinumGirl said...

Pillow shopping is a pain. I have tips from the two extremes for you: 1) I bought some $5.00 pillows from Target and they were some of the softest, most comfortable, and definitely cheapest pillows ever. I also recently attended a Private Quarters party (you can Google their site) and ended up ordering some pillows that cost $40 apiece. They are a down alternative and have a quilted outside and are soft yet feel like they won't fall flat after a few months.

PlatinumGirl said...

I like how I numbered one point and then just totally forgot about it. Oops.

marky said...

The prequel to the 'vajajay' video is now up on my blog.

Misty Dawn said...

I need new pillows too! So, if you find someone who picks them out for you - let me know!

andy said...

I just saw a host of old asian tight jeans (we're talking pants-in-a-can tight) while on that sit down in a chair bike thing at the gym.

For the record, I was walking by the gym on my way to Top-Notch Burger.

Nocturnal said...

What do you need pillows for when your counting ceiling tiles?

Trew Life Advice said...

LOL! I died laughing on the ground when I read your post about the old Asian women. I remember an episode of Family Guy when an Asian lady was driving down the street and she yelled, "Okay, efrebode. I gonna switch 10 lanes an use no bwinka!" (or something to that phrase) She merged over and caused all sorts of accidents. I thought that was kinda like your posts. The last two people that happened to ram into my car have been Asian women who didn't use blinkers... Maybe it isn't an Asian thing... Maybe I'm just a force that a lot of sleepy eyed women's cars are attracted to... hmmmm.

- Trew Life