Look at you: Back again, ready to be entertained. It's all about you, you, you, isn't it? You take, and you take, and you take, and you never think of giving. Well, today is your chance to give back. I need some ideas for a good Halloween costume.
Let me just say it's never hard to top our previous year's look. Every year Brian and I wait til the last second and then sorrowfully pick through what's left of the crappy costumes in the stores, ending up with whatever cheap, predictable, hokey junk is left that no one else wanted. Last year we went to a party as a cop and a convict--pretty uncreative, but then again I was 4 months pregnant, and was happy just to find something my potbelly fit into. (There are lots of cute ideas out there for pregnant chicks, but they're much funnier if you're really pregnant--say, 8 months or so--not just a mere four months.) Brian, for his part, was happy with his convict costume because it didn't involve anything too degrading or goofy--all he had to do was step into the orange jumpsuit.
But every year I vow to myself that next year I'll put more thought and effort into Halloween costumes. That's where you come in. Surely you've got some ideas for us--preferably something that works for a couple, so that my costume makes sense in light of his, and vice versa. I would love to be Little Bo Peep, for example, but since that would involve dressing Brian up as a sheep, I'm pretty sure I'd have to heavily medicate him first. He would rather not to have to wear lots of makeup or a wig or a huge cardboard thingamajig. I, on the other hand, am willing to degrade myself in any number of ways in order to achieve a funny or cute costume, but naturally I'd prefer if it could be something I looked cute in. Little Bo Peep would great because there lots of ways for a girl to look adorable in that kind of costume. Heck, I could even figure out how to make myself into a reasonably cute sheep, if only I could talk Brian into being the Little Bo Peep. Again, that would involve some kind of sedative, possibly something designed for farm animals and administered with a gun.
I've asked my friends for ideas, but they're no help. I turned to Common Wombat for advice, but was met with his confession that he let his wife Sally dress the two of them up as M&Ms one year. This tells me two things: 1) He loves that woman very, very much, and 2) She does not love him at all. It does sound pretty cute, though, and I toyed with the idea of asking Brian if we could do that this year, but then I remembered that I have a small child to raise, and it's easier to do that in a two-parent home. So I kept my mouth shut.
Now, don't think you won't be rewarded for your help. If I use your idea, here's what you'll get in return:
1) I will put a pox on the enemy of your choice.
2) I will name my 15th child after you.
3) I will vow to never, ever throw a drink in your face in a crowded bar and call you a gutless swine.
4) I will post a picture of us in our costumes, lavishing you with credit and praise. My guess is it will be only a matter of time after that before your name becomes synonymous with Halloween fashion, and soon all the top designers will be knocking down your door, begging to make you rich and famous with your own clothing line. Eventually you will be sleeping with half the stars and/or starlets in Hollywood, and after a few stints in rehab and an illegitimate child or two, you will reemerge as a Hollywood darling again when you star in your own reality show based on your struggles to get your life back on track.
All in all, I think this is a pretty good deal for you, and it will save me a lot of tedious thinking. So get to work, folks, and make me look like a genius this Halloween.