Saturday, September 24, 2005

You people have got to be good for something.

Look at you: Back again, ready to be entertained. It's all about you, you, you, isn't it? You take, and you take, and you take, and you never think of giving. Well, today is your chance to give back. I need some ideas for a good Halloween costume.

Let me just say it's never hard to top our previous year's look. Every year Brian and I wait til the last second and then sorrowfully pick through what's left of the crappy costumes in the stores, ending up with whatever cheap, predictable, hokey junk is left that no one else wanted. Last year we went to a party as a cop and a convict--pretty uncreative, but then again I was 4 months pregnant, and was happy just to find something my potbelly fit into. (There are lots of cute ideas out there for pregnant chicks, but they're much funnier if you're really pregnant--say, 8 months or so--not just a mere four months.) Brian, for his part, was happy with his convict costume because it didn't involve anything too degrading or goofy--all he had to do was step into the orange jumpsuit.

But every year I vow to myself that next year I'll put more thought and effort into Halloween costumes. That's where you come in. Surely you've got some ideas for us--preferably something that works for a couple, so that my costume makes sense in light of his, and vice versa. I would love to be Little Bo Peep, for example, but since that would involve dressing Brian up as a sheep, I'm pretty sure I'd have to heavily medicate him first. He would rather not to have to wear lots of makeup or a wig or a huge cardboard thingamajig. I, on the other hand, am willing to degrade myself in any number of ways in order to achieve a funny or cute costume, but naturally I'd prefer if it could be something I looked cute in. Little Bo Peep would great because there lots of ways for a girl to look adorable in that kind of costume. Heck, I could even figure out how to make myself into a reasonably cute sheep, if only I could talk Brian into being the Little Bo Peep. Again, that would involve some kind of sedative, possibly something designed for farm animals and administered with a gun.

I've asked my friends for ideas, but they're no help. I turned to Common Wombat for advice, but was met with his confession that he let his wife Sally dress the two of them up as M&Ms one year. This tells me two things: 1) He loves that woman very, very much, and 2) She does not love him at all. It does sound pretty cute, though, and I toyed with the idea of asking Brian if we could do that this year, but then I remembered that I have a small child to raise, and it's easier to do that in a two-parent home. So I kept my mouth shut.

Now, don't think you won't be rewarded for your help. If I use your idea, here's what you'll get in return:

1) I will put a pox on the enemy of your choice.
2) I will name my 15th child after you.
3) I will vow to never, ever throw a drink in your face in a crowded bar and call you a gutless swine.
4) I will post a picture of us in our costumes, lavishing you with credit and praise. My guess is it will be only a matter of time after that before your name becomes synonymous with Halloween fashion, and soon all the top designers will be knocking down your door, begging to make you rich and famous with your own clothing line. Eventually you will be sleeping with half the stars and/or starlets in Hollywood, and after a few stints in rehab and an illegitimate child or two, you will reemerge as a Hollywood darling again when you star in your own reality show based on your struggles to get your life back on track.

All in all, I think this is a pretty good deal for you, and it will save me a lot of tedious thinking. So get to work, folks, and make me look like a genius this Halloween.


nita said...

ok, if you, like me, have been a bridesmaid a gazillion times, you already have a costume. take the biggest fluffiest dress, chop it waaaay short and hire someone to sew wings on it. cover it and you with glitter and FILL A BASKET WITH RUBBER DAMS, CONDOMS AND KY SAMPLES!!! you are the safe sex fairy. i thank the heavens daily that the internet wasn't so popular when i was out there being an idiot and not at all careful about being photographed....

dress that hot stud of yours like a baby. the bonus is: you *can* finally make that dress sorta hot and he'll be humiliated :)

you can thank me later.

Anonymous said...

This morning I innocently went to Zazzafooky's site and found a link she posted to here. I diligently followed, being the good blog reader I am, blindly clicking on any link presented. To my wonder I found a blog that was not only well written but hilarious beyond words. I have spent the past 8 hours reading between calls (at work). Thankyou you silly wonderful blog writer you.

Maddie said...

I can't wait to see what you end up in!

Joanna Arcieri said...

Just found your blog.... It's hilarious and has been keeping entertained for a while now.

The last five years I've dressed up as George Bush just to irritate my mother. But this year I'm dressing up as either Bonnie from "Bonnie and Clyde" or a playboy bunny (all depending on how long I want to get suspended from school)

Then again, there is always that unflattering yet surprisingly classic pumpkin outfit.

pat said...

What about Little Bo Peep with a dominatrix motif? The staff would fit in. It might stray from the "cute" realm into that of the... how shall I say... "slooty-hoot", but whatever!

And besides, maybe if you combine two embarrassing costumes -- a sheep and a tethered slave -- the degradation will cancel out and it will actually make him feel better about himself.

Anonymous said...

congratulations for your template! Is really nice ;)
kisses from the sunny Spain.

Leah said...

One of you could be a pirate and the other could be the plank. Use some of that wood-style contact paper up your front and dress all in blue.

Monique said...

we don't have this whole halloween thingy here in manila, although some folks are getting into it and are holding their own costume parties, american-style... there're very few of them, too.

but i'll try to come up with something.. if only to contribute and see if i have those "creative" juices in me. check in later :-)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is easy: Mary and Joseph. And pinned to your chest is a note pointing downward that says: "Virgin Territory."


How about Antony and Cleopatra? You're at least as pretty as Elizabeth Taylor ever was, so this would be easy. Who played Antony? Victor Mature? Odds Bodkins? Doesn't matter, Brian has got them beat.

Hansel and Gretel? And you got a sign on your chest pointing downward that says "Witch's Oven."


How about....

Khali said...

One year, my neighbors went as the devil and a pregnant nun. That could be interesting. Then there was the time I went as Poison Ivy, but I couldn't get the other half to do Batman with much effort beyond the batman t-shirt - and I WAS IN GREEN TIGHTS! Oi. I also especially liked that couple who did Adam and Eve.... as cave people, but they got quite cold early on so maybe that's not such a good idea.

I like the Antony and Cleopatra idea... on the same level you could do something like Romeo and Juliet, or Othello and Desdemona, or Arthur and Guinevere - all of which have opportunities for cuteness... and in the case of Arthur, there's a crown involved!

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said... are mine:

70's Roller Derby Stars

Trailer Park Trash Couple

Nut & Bolt (

Boris and Natasha

Salt and Pepper Shakers (dress in all white or all black, with felt S or P on chest, with paper plate covered in tinfoil for hat)

Siamese Twins

Martha Stewart and her Broker

Boxer and Ring Girl

Bee Keeper and Bee

Crocodile Hunter & His Wife

Delivery Man and Package

...thats all I got!

Maven said...

Since you asked... here goes.. and I know you're not pregnant (or are you? I don't know I haven't read that far into your stuff but love what I've read...) oh where was I? Oh yes... costumes!!!

1. Assuming you are going to an adult party, you should go as a set of breasts. You and hubby can get some flesh colored or even pink turtlenecks. Stuff a pillow under each to the desired "cup" size. Then take a piece of camel or caramel, tannish, light brown (you get the idea) felt, and cut a circle of appropriate diameter for an aureola. Affix it to the center of the turtleneck with either double faced tape or fusible web. Then hot glue to the felt a baby nipple in the center of each. What could be a fun addition would be a clip on hoop earring in one of the nipples. Festive. Definite conversation starter. Pants? I don't think it matters much what you wear on the bottom, as all the attention will be at the belly level.

2. Get a dog costume, and then affix little stuffed puppies to the belly section, as if they were all stuck to a dog's teats. This would be fabulous for the husband, and you could get a costume like a male dog and spend the rest of the time chasing him and humping his leg. The potential for after-party "play time" is there, too. If you're twisted enough:)

Miladysa said...

I like the Rocky Horror suggestion because I love Rocky Horror shows!

James Bond themes are good - hubby could go as 007 or one of the 'baddies' and you go as one of the Bond girls i.e. Pussy Galore. Don't forget to go armed with water pistols, it is not likely anyone else will have one and you can fire away!!

warcrygirl said...

I've never gone to a Halloween party as part of a couple so I don't have any couple ideas. My most creative costume was something I threw together with crap I had laying around: jeans with holes in them; an old shirt I used to wipe my cars dipstick on and a $2 packet of special affects makeup. Borrowed an old VolksWagon steering wheel and I was a Drunk Driving Accident Victim. It was great; I got the shock value "What the hell are you?" and I got to be a public service announcement.

I was a commando one year; maybe you could dress up as a deer hunter and have him wear a pair of antlers? Just a thought.

CommonWombat said...

Yeah, because when I told you about the M&M costumes, I fully expected you to broadcast that tidbit all over the internet. Thanks a lot, Karla... This may be a first for me, actually... I don't think I've ever made an ass out of myself on SOMEONE ELSE'S blog before...

At any rate, here come my less than helpful suggestions:

YOU: Elvis
BRIAN: A toilet
(Every hour you can sit on him and pretend to die...)

YOU: Oprah
BRIAN: An audience full of sycophantic ninnies
(spend the party forcing him to read your favorite book and then just when you have his complete devotion, leave with Steadman)

YOU: the Jews
BRIAN: the Palistinians
(The fun with this one is that you can label one couch at the party "The holy land" and then spend the rest of the evening in a life or death struggle over who gets to sit there... Extra points if you manage to blow anything up before the party ends!)

YOU: My dignity
(he can spend the entire evening looking for, but never finding you, and then sit in the car alone, weeping)

Glad to be of service!!!

karla said...

Common Wombat: Yeah, I considered the possibility that I might get in trouble for tattling on you. But then I remembered Sally outing you about the tampon thing on your blog, not to mention your own confession about the skidmark/bedsheet incident, and I thought, "Nothing I could say about him would be worse than those things, so clearly, the man has no shame."

But in spite of me letting the M&M cat out of the bag, you gave some excellent costume suggestions. The Palestine one is my fave.

Maven said...

Fuck Gilligan and MaryAnn... I'd want to be Lovey. Everyone knows that rich, old, white people tend to be quite freaky. I can easily envision her wearing a skin tight Louis Vuitton catsuit and matching riding crop, saying in her Uber-WASP way, "Lick my boots worm!"

PS: I think none of us can top the "dignity" costume. Subtle!

Anonymous said...

characters from the well known film "Bored of the Rings":

Dildo Baggins and Giblet the Dwarf?

Paul Michael Peters said...

Wizard of Oz – you are the wicked witch, hubby is one of those guards, and the baby is a flying monkey

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Today (Monday) you can visit your picture at my place.

Little Light said...

Osiris and Isis?
Jack the Ripper and his victim (good use for one of those bridesmaid dresses nita suggested)
The number 10.

Petra said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Petra said...

I have a variation of laura gf's idea. A couple I knew in college did this and it was hysterical. She was the sheep and he was Bo-Peep complete with staff and frilly bonnetand...I still have pics :)

Rio said...

my favorite couples costume is marylin monroe and joe dimaggio- usually guys are happy to dress as anything sports- i also like malibu babrbie and ken because its so silly

Poka Bean said...

i vote you go with the jew & palestinian costumes for sure.

furthermore, i would like to officially go on record as saying that NUGGETMAVEN IS WHACK!

Yoda said...

How are you for gorilla costumes?

You go as King Kong and he goes as the Empire State Building.

Every now and then, you can jump on him, and throw your legs around his waist.


Lila said...

Your picture keeps reminding me of Courtney Cox... if you really want to be lame, go as Monica and Chandler. You wouldn't even have to invest in costumes.

Otherwise, go with nita's idea!

Found you through Hoss... Great blog!

Nicole Kelley said...

I'm a big fan of the beer garden girl costume. You know, braids and a corset-like dress with a poofy, white, ruffly top that shows massive cleavage, and a tutu skirt with bloomers? The perfect combo of slutty and cute. Not sure what your husband could be to match. Come to think of it, it's pretty much just the Hansel and Gretel theme, but all sexied up.

Arctic Skipper said...

A girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend did the St Pauly Girl thing - she (obviously) was the St. Pauly Girl and he dressed up as a beer. (If you can't actually find a beer costume just have brian wear tan pants, shirt and shoes and write 'Sam Adams' ((or the beer of your choice)) on the shirt.)

My ex and his sister went as Hans & Frans (SNL) one year. Not really a couple thing but it was absolutely hysterical and they were super comfy.

Trailer Trash Ken and Barbie is always a classy choice!

And I'm spent! :P

acw said...

Easiest costume ever- you dress in a box painted red. He goes in plainclothes. People ask, "What are you?"

You say, "I'm the brick"

He says, "I'm the bricklayer"

For extra credit, dress as a pipe instead.

I.e. "I lay the pipe"

Nicole Kelley said...

You could also be a French maid and the butler.

Chris said...

No, no, no no no, no and NO! Karla, you should dress up like a terrorist. Bath towel on the head, black beard, fatigues, 30 paper towel tubes taped round your waist, and a remote with one big RED button. Brian can dress like a city bus. Tell me that’s not scary...
Noddleburgoo's 5 questions.

Anonymous said...

Friends one year went to a party, one dressed all in yellow, one dressed all in brown.

They had the numbers "1" and "2" on them respectively.

Just a thought...

nothing_but_coke said...

I was trying to figure out a way to email you a picture for a great costume idea. I will post the picture on my site, hopefully you will stop by and take a look.

Kiki said...

Alright, Karla, you can thank me later....

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Complete with new baby Sean Preston!

Go on Pink is the New Blog or some other gossip site and finding a horrifying and hilarious outfit will not be hard. Then just make sure hubby wears socks with thong sandels and get a doll to carry along all night!

Me said...

Oh my God, Lee and Kiki, I LOVE those costume ideas!

Okay, Karla, here are some of my past costumes:

transylvanian (from rhps)
a box of jello
mr. hankie poo (i really looked like shit)
cousin itt (from the addams family)

Anonymous said...

karla, when i saw this i thought of you:

Jill said...

Wow, you already have tons of ideas here, but here are some I made for my hubby and I.

Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man

The Spartan Cheerleaders from SNL. (You would look cute, and not too 'costumey' for hubby)

Deputy Dangle and LT. Johnson from Reno 911 (you can make the costume and get a blond wig)
Those are my faves. Have fun!