Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Mockery 101: Your first assignment

Isn't it fun to mock people? There's something so satisfying in imagining that you are so incredibly intelligent, with your ponderously large brain, that the vast majority of the population is simply beneath you. And what better way to make yourself feel smarter than to mock others?

Often, the practice of mocking others involves pretending people are way dumber than they actually are. Let's say someone asks you a question that's a bit silly and uninformed--but in your head (because you'd never have the balls to say it out loud), you get all worked up over it as if it were the world's dumbest question; you make a disproportionately big deal about it, later retelling the story to your friends in such a way as to magnify the supposed stupidity of the person. For example, I once heard a guy say he needed some double-sided transparencies--a silly idea, considering transparencies are TRANSPARENT, and therefore can't be double-sided, because, well, side 1 would show through onto side 2. The silly part was how long it took to convince this guy that it wasn't possible to accomplish this. The guy just didn't get it. Now, I often cite that as an example of a dumb question, but the truth is, that guy probably wasn't really dumb, but just a little confused about the subject. That's a lot of what goes on in the world of mockery--you seize upon the tiniest infraction and exaggerate it to make a person seem way stupider than he probably really is, all in the name of feeling better about yourself for a few heady moments.

But what you really look for are those truly golden opportunities, those super satisfying moments when you find someone to mock who really deserves it, someone who does something really, incredibly dumb, no question about it. Sadly, those opportunities come along fairly rarely, so you're forced to mine the thousands of average, fairly intelligent interactions in your typical week and make do with what you have. Wouldn't you enjoy a good, solid mocking victim right about now? Someone who redefines the word "idiot?" You would? Great, then sit back, because I have a good one for you. This is going to make you feel so smart.

When I was 15, we took a test in one of my school classes in which were called upon to summon all of our knowledge of our own private parts and those of our neighbors. Our teacher provided each of us with a very artful rendering of a pee-pee and a woo-woo, and tasked us with labeling the various bits appropriately. Naturally, there was much snickering among us as the tests were handed out, and a good time was had by all. Well, all except one, for whom the jokes must have gone sailing right over her addled head.

Below you will find my test and hers. Mine is not so incredibly impressive--I scored a mere 87% on the female portion of the test, and a 93% on the male. (Baffling, since one would think I was a shoe-in to do better in identifying the parts I actually possessed in my very own undies--kind of like a cheat sheet in my bloomers.) But to be fair, I hadn't had much interaction with genitals up to that point--hardly any with my own, and certainly none with anyone else's. Still, I didn't do too badly, and was at least very thorough, as you can see from the detailed descriptions of the various and sundry parts, which I fastidiously scribbled on the back side of my test.
















But here's where your mocking opportunity comes in. There was a girl in my class who I'll call Brenda. I don't remember how I came into possession of her test, but the moment I laid eyes on it, I knew it was comedy gold. I've kept it lo these many years, perfectly preserved and treasured as though it were the original first draft of our Constitution. I think if my house had caught fire at any point over the years, I would have risked life and limb to run back in and save this important document.

Here are Brenda's slightly misguided answers.













Notice she scored a paltry 12% on the female parts, and a shameful 0% on the male. In case your eyesight isn't so great, let me just point out that the top image, which is clearly the female part, has been labeled with a vas deferens, a penis (which she misspelled), and even a testicle. And the bottom image, which should be quickly noticed to be the male part because of the tell-tale PENIS hanging solemnly off of it, is labeled with two ovaries, a seminal vesicle (which she has renamed the feminine vesticle), a Fallopian tube which she appears to have tried to rename a Phillipino tube, and yes, a vagina. And the very object which should identify this drawing so obviously as a male part--the aforementioned penis--is, in fact, the very part that she labeled a vagina. Also chuckle-worthy is the presence of the urethra, which she renamed the urena, and the epididymis, which she renamed the epicenter.

And here's the back side of her sheet, left blank, as if she felt she had pretty much said it all on the front side of the test.











Now, let me clear up some questions you must surely have. No, this girl was not mentally challenged. She did not attend Special Ed classes and didn't appear to need them. She was strictly a C and D student throughout high school, but she wasn't in need of a spot on the short bus. She looked normal enough and spoke normally enough, although no one would have called her quick witted or loquacious. She was just your average kid--or so I thought until I was confounded with this mystifying test of hers.

Which begs the question: What the hell was in this girl's pants? I have to assume she had one of those hangy-downy things that she labeled a vagina.

I suppose I could ask my ex-boyfriend about it--who, a few years later, actually cheated on me with this sexually confused dimwit possessing ambiguous private parts. Which only goes to show, you don't necessarily have to know one single thing about the male or the female sex organs in order to make use of them in the back seat of a car.

36 comments:

ChrisWoznitza said...

Hi I´m Chris. Greatings from Germany Bottrop !!

ducklet said...

personally, i always thought it was a lot more fun when i didn't a single thing about all those parts.

favorite line in the back of a car: 'What's this thing do?'

closely followed by,
'Whoa! What are THOSE?!?'

oh. you're going to mock me now, aren't you? I get it...

AnonymousCoworker said...

Ha ha! I have a sex ed story that you just reminded me about. I think I'm off to write a post.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

I just found your site from Zazzafooky, and I love it- I already Blogrolled you. It's rare to find someone who loves mockery as I do!

And I am frightened by that diagram. She's probably been on Leno when they go on the street and ask who the President is and they say "Kermit the Frog" or something.

And for mockery, I was given a gift just today, so i am happy now. It's not as good as yours, though.

FTS said...

The problem with mocking people of such baffling ignorance is that they aren't smart enough to recognize they're being hung out to dry. At least when you point out the obvious to a foe in full possession of their wits they go through the indignities of shame, remorse, anger, revenge... you get the picture.

The ignorant just go on living in their oblivion.

Almost a waste of a good mockery, isn't it... ;-)

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Seriously, how did you get the test?

karla said...

I honestly don't remember how I got the test. She had to have either left it laying around, or she had to have shown it to me, because there's no way I could have known to swipe it. Who would guess it would be so funny?

La Boom said...

Was kinda scared that was mine for a sec :)

karla said...

Oh, come on, Boom--you've always been an expert on the penis. No way would you have scored so low on that test.

Christi said...

I, personally, think she did it on purpose. Of course, if that were the case, then that kinda takes the fun out of it, eh?

mrtl said...

This is hysterical. Sad, but hysterical.

Saw plenty of it as a teacher, myself. Too bad it wasn't science; it may have been more amusing.

Raph said...

I swear to God, that is one of the funniest things I have ever seen! (I damn near lost it when I read "epicenter.") That is unbelievable!

Man, now I wish I had something as cool and funny as that to show my future kids.

Miladysa said...

Does she have any children?

karla said...

I don't know if she has any kids. I don't know what she's up to these days.

Ariel1980 said...

Priceless, truly priceless.

True story, a quote from the process of losing my own virginity: "You want me to put WHAT WHERE?" "Why?".

I am sad to admit that discussion did in fact, ensue. We jews apparantly like to talk a lot.

Two hours later, the virginity took its bow and exited. "And scene."

Ariel1980 said...

PS: People have cited me for being too cruel in my mockery, but you've inspired me to write something I've been thinking about for a while. Stay tuned!

Kiki said...

Poor, poor Brenda. I wonder what she's doing right now....

NA said...

Well... As a great man once told me. There is no such thing as a stupid question. Only stupid people who ask them. On the flpside of that.. I once took a class in college.. Fundamentals of Human Sexuality... You'd be suprised what people don't know. (BTW Got an A- in that)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is terrific, Karla.

Plus which, you gave me a "new" saying: "...in need of a spot on the short bus." That is so clever, I wish you had made it up. Maybe you did.

undercover celebrity said...

...so your boyfriend was gay... I get it. :)

Very funny.

Thank you for setting the mockery standards so high.

Hope said...

hilarious! I was reading along wondering how badly someone could botch up a sex organs test - apparently pretty bad!

miss kendra said...

philipino tubes?

hahahahahahaha!

Masked Mom said...

I can't wait to find out what we're gonna have to do for "extra credit" in this class! :)

pat said...

Karla, you are like the Tina Fey of blogs. Some people are under the impression that women can't hack it as comics like the men-types can, but you're shattering that myth on your site. You deserve a hero cookie.

And was the girl's name Cheryl? Wild guess, you could say...

CommonWombat said...

I was SQUEALING and making grunty noises through most of this entry, but when I saw the "Phillipino Tube" I fell over, peed and had an embolism.

Now I walk with a limp, can't clap, and every time I drink water it runs back out the left side of my mouth. Thanks a lot, Karla.

niQ said...

i hurt my cheeks laughing out loud.. poor thing though, i do hope she's not so confused now? or was it your ex who got confused?
heheh.

Curator said...

I took a sex ed class in college long rumoured for the instructor and hilarity therein. It did live up to the billing, however when the tests kicked in; they were involved far more than anyone expected.

As for NINtelligence, I've always felt it's far overrated.

TGIF.

It's Me, Maven... said...

My husband has been having some serious lower abdominal pain... perhaps it's his urena! Gee thanks for clearing that up:)

Poka Bean said...

hilarious! epicenter was about all i could take. how you had the genius foresight as a 15-year-old to keep that test for all these years is beyond me.

but i have to ask...why did you keep yours? were you afraid you'd forget the right answers if you only kept the copy with the wrong ones? :)

karla said...

Smart ass. Actually, the answer is kinda yes. I mean, would you have remembered what an epididymis was without seeing my test? Not knowing what an epididymis is takes all the ha-ha out of Brenda's epicenter answer.

But as for the penis and the ovaries, etc., I only had to learn those once.

candoor said...

you babble... I tried blogrolling you, but it didn't work... you babble... I love babble... I babble... even in my sleep... like now...

Chicken Little said...

This is just sad. How could she ever get a date if she couldn't figure out who went with which part?

Love your blog, btw

E said...

this made me laugh out loud, but I can't help feeling sorry for poor Brenda. Mocking is only second to laughing at people when they trip or fall down (once I find out if they're okay, of course!)

Nicole said...

I always thought that I lived a relatively sexually-sheltered adolescent life. But I must say, I was a genius compared to this girl. Poor, poor Brenda.

Photo Phil said...

i guess the first question is, what class is this? and is this from recently or a high school class?

karla said...

Well, I know I was 15 at the time, so I guess it was my freshman class in high school.