Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Dear Jackass, Volume 3


Dear realtors everywhere:

You narcissistic attention-whore. Must you plaster your homely mug on every single flyer, every single ad, every single business card, and even the aluminum signs in front of the homes you sell? Do you really think to yourself, "I've got to get an edge on all the other realtors out there...but how? Wait, I know! If people could only see how hot I am, they would be hypnotized into doing business with me!"

Who cares what you look like? If I don't need to know what my banker or my chef or my auto mechanic looks like, why do I need to know what my realtor looks like? I'm buying a house, not shopping for a mail order bride. Here's the new rule: If you happen to be one of the .001% of the population who is freakishly gorgeous, you are allowed to arbitrarily paper the city with your photo. But you, Realtor, are no supermodel--and no, a tacky Glamour Shot feather boa doesn't help. Adding your frumpy photo to an advertisement is not an extra incentive to a prospective buyer, but more of a puzzle. Now, instead of marveling at the spectacular amenities of this 3 bedroom town home, I'm sidetracked with trying to fathom what your thought process could possibly have been when posting your sad mugshot above the photo of this lovely abode. Please, in the future, save yourself the time and expense of the photo shoot, and save us from the burden of staring at your bad teeth.

Dear parents of seemingly feral children:

How new-age of you to have developed a parenting style in which your children are allowed to express themselves at any moment in any way they choose, even if it includes leaping off a chair and into a potted plant in a hotel lobby, shouting, "I'm Superman!" Everywhere you go, people hate your kids, which is unfortunate since their bad behavior is your fault, not theirs. Back when I waited tables, I remember serving a lovely, well-dressed couple with beautiful twin girls about 6 years old. As the parents calmly questioned me about the wine list and the Caesar salad, they gave no hint if they were aware that the little blue-eyed wildebeests were repeatedly pouring sugar all over the table and licking it up. To those parents, and to all the rest of you who choose to increase your Prozac prescription rather than taking a couple of minutes to teach your kids how to behave in public, I hope your kids grow up and never, ever move out of your house, because you deserve to have to put up with them until your last breath.

Dear nude frolicker in my gym locker room:

I'm minding my own business, changing my clothes, when suddenly, there you are like my flabbiest nightmare. Your belly is charging off to the left while your boobs are scuttling to the right--then suddenly, without warning, both parts change their minds and switch directions. It's like a flesh stampede, with some body parts threatening to trample others to death. I take no issue with your size; the problem is that I shouldn't be so familiar with it. This kind of nudity is something that should be reserved for the privacy of your own home, or perhaps that handy dressing room provided by our gym, not two feet from where you're now practically aerobicising while brushing your hair. I'm no prude--I change clothes out in the open here in the locker room myself--that's what a locker room is for. But I have the decency to do it quickly and without fanfare. You are actually wandering around nude, now strolling into the bathroom stalls, now brushing your teeth. And could you be a little less chatty? You are actually striking up conversations with random locker room occupants, complete with arm-waving and belly laughing, all free from the confines of clothes. Oh God, now you're eating a protein bar. Please, just a pair of panties, that's all I ask. I shouldn't have to see pubic hair and food in the same setting.

44 comments:

HW said...

omg. i may not be able to eat for the rest of the day.

miss kendra said...

why not just ask her to shave?

Dave Morris said...

Large people should never be left un-tented.

Great blog, I am a regular reader of Hoss and am now adding you to my favorites. You appear to have stolen my personality.

Gerbera Daisy said...

I agree with the bad parenting of today allowing their children to express themselves any way they want. I work in Big Bookstore and see it all the time. Last night for instance there is a woman with 3 young children in tow. We had to ask her to leave when it was closing time (11:00 PM) and she was still in her own zone and her kids were running rampant throughout the store. I agree with you...I hope their kids grow up and NEVER EVER leave home.

Newlywife said...

Apparently we share the same gym...who knew? I think my shower room nightmare stalks me. I have switched my hours at the gym in an effort to avoid and yet...there she is in all her glory. So she is either following me, or she just spends all her time in the gym locker room (not to be confused with spending all her time in the gym, which she obviously doesn't do given her gelatinous form).

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Great word pictures, Ms. Babble.

My favorite word of the day is: terror. Def.: Reaction to watching that old dame show how far up and down she can move her Adam's apple.

CommonWombat said...

It does me good to know that the ridiculously inappropriate nudity goes on in the ladies locker room too. There's guys at my gym that get out of the shower buck ass nekkid and then get on their cell phones and have loud frat-boy "biddness" calls. A) I don't need to be privy to your obnoxious phone calls, and B) I definitely don't need to see your wang winking at me while you do it.

Shudder.

Arctic Skipper said...

I'm thinkin' that the twin sister of your locker room buddy lives in AK and frequents my gym. Her latest favorite activity is to sit her bare nekkid butt on the bench, lift a leg, (I shit you not) brace her foot against the locker of some poor, unsuspecting victim and start applying self tanner . . . I really don't think a pair of panties (OR PERFORMING THIS LITTLE RITUAL IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME!!!!) is too much to ask.

Allarial said...

I completely empathize with you about wildebeast child. I used to work in grocery store for 5 years and then an insurance agency for 3. Both places offered a dark glimpse into the world of badly behaved children. *shivers* I'm so glad I'm on the phones now!!

Ariel1980 said...

I almost choked on my cheesy gordita crunch with the nude frolicker...because I've seen too much of it myself. And while I'm sure there are equal positions we could argue over which is worse, the women's or the men's locker rooms, sitting on a bench lacing up your sneakers when suddenly "the boys in the hood" are presented less than a foot from your face has a nauseating quality all of its own.

If it weren't illegal, I would hit children like those you describe.

And lastly, what the hell sort of pathos exists in the psyche of ANYONE who dons a feather boa (in lurid shades of red, purple, and gold no less) at Glamour Shots, and thinks it is appropriate for business? It's more like soft-core porn.

A brilliant post!

Miladysa said...

Thankfully estate agents just sell houses here and not themselves. Long may it remain so :)

I prefer not to think any further about the exhibitionist in the changing room!

DeeJay said...

You could have asked her if she forgot the combination to the locker that holds her clothes. lol Gross

bornfool said...

Nice rants. Especially about the kids.

Manblogger641 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Manblogger641 said...

Strangely I am aroused by the thought of a skank liftin her huge heffer leg. YUM. No only kidding that is WAY GROSS. But just remember it could always be worse she could STANK and be RIGHT next to you trying to have a conversation.

Bonanza Jellybean said...

Your post is KILLING me today! Not just because it's funny, but because I am currently designing some materials for a Realty firm and just got in a whole new load of photos along with a "can you make them look any better" plea? I hope they knew the answer to that one. Photoshop can only do so much!

It's Me, Maven... said...

I almost cried when I read the bit about not wanting to see the bit about food and pubes at the same time. I AGREE!!

UNTENTED?? How gauche! There's good nude and bad nude, regardless of gravitational pull!

Everything you wrote, Karla, was pure perfection... especially the unruly brat thing. I just want to hit some parents, repeatedly with a 2X4 with ten penny nails driven into the end of it, thus tenderizing their soft, mushy skulls. Ooh what's that? A little bitterness just seeped out? It's got a peculiar aluminum & green apple taste to it. Anyone got a bucket?

Ryan Franklin said...

Dude, don't even get me started on parental responsibility. I've had hand to hand comnbat with relatives trying to argue the virtues of a good whoopin to a kids backside, but to no avail. Hey Karla, can you do me a favor? I have since stopped creating blogs for west designs, and my new site is: www.rfgd.com. You think you could plug that bad boy into your link thingamajigger? I need to capitalize on your extremem popularity somehow right? :)

Katya said...

hiya, i'm moving my blog from tomorrow to

www.coldheartchronicles.blogspot.com

:0)

Poka Bean said...

i have such an unfortunate visual in my head after reading that. flesh stampede with scuttling boobs? please make it stop!

La Boom said...

I am SOOOOOO sorry Karla. I will try to wear my thong when cruising around the locker room. However... you know you want me :)

mrhaney said...

did this woman even know she was nude? maybe she goes around nude all day at home.

Maddie said...

I love you. Marry me.

Curator said...

Maybe you should wear some blinders at the gym locker room when she changes.

That was just like being there the way you put it... unfortunatly.

FTS said...

I've never understood why realtors put their photo on their cards. I thought about putting my picture on my salon cards, but the idea is to ATTRACT clients. :p

The unruly kids in a restaurant (or anywhere, for that matter) are one of my pet peeves. My parents never let me act up in public, but now we live in the non-disciplinary world where people are afraid to admonish their lids lest they scar their fragile psyches. Hmpf.

Could be that your locker room friend is looking for a... friend. ;-)

Margo of Mystery and Mayhem said...

I have always been fascinated by the realtor picture thing, maybe the locker room creature is a realtor?

Kiki said...

Never thought about the realtor picture thing, but now that I'm thinking about it...I totally agree with you!!

And ughhhhhhhh the horrid naked fat people at the gym. They have them at every gym too!!! I like how you said flesh stampede. Great imagery although extremely disturbing.

Little Light said...

Never thought about pubic hair and food, but what an image! I hope I don't have any dreams about that.

Crazy MomCat said...

LOL at the locker room story. And, yet, I'm very disgusted at the same time. Eating a protein bar in the buff? That's just not sanitary. There's a really gross strip club in Austin where they serve food while completely nude girls dance. Some guy friends were discussing this and I just couldn't get past the fact that food is served while buff crotches dance around your plate. I have never been more disgusted in my entire life!

RitMeyer said...

While waiting tables, you learn alot about people. The kids werer the worst. I remeber the first time that happened, I was scared for the kids thinking their mom or dad was going to yell or smack them. Nothing. I thank my parents regularly.

Aitch said...

Oh man, all very good:)

Photo Phil said...

haha that locker room experience was great. karla, you seem to like these, heres my latest: "what pills to take to get a big booty". Yep got my website by searching that. Maybe these people at your locker room were searching for that?

Rico said...

Are pictures next to comments as bad as on you business card? I'll take mine off immediately if you say so.

mrtl said...

It is not kind to make me laugh till I feel like I'm going to throw up.

And I'll have you know that I CHERISH the pen that our realtor gave us with her picture on it. It's not the most flattering picture, and it amuses me immensely.

zazzafooky said...

Oh Dear. I may not be right for a week after this :-)

Maja said...

hehehe, I know, I know, I know! I agree with you about all those people!
I've been scouring the real estate pages in the paper recently looking for houses and there are all these BUTT-UGLY real estate agents putting their faces in the paper. Crazy people!
Argh, and the parents of feral kids. They are WEAK, I tell you, WEAK!
And yes, fat should not be flaunted like that!

Christi said...

Bad kids suck.

I hope mine's not.

porter said...

your are a funny yo. some even say that you are so funny that you deserve to be drug out into a random street and liberally patted down with sulfor crystals until your face swells to the size of three wet nerf footballs. that, clearly, would be a good and noble occasion.

oh and hope the wee man is doing grande.

Janet said...

Amen, sister.

jac said...

And did he sell or did you buy?

Pirate said...

Hoss sent me to read your blog. He is correct, your right on point.

I only buy home from fat naked women with wild-ass kids. But I don't want to see their damn picture at Safeway plastered all over the shopping cart.

Tish said...

Hoss showcased your beautiful face, which made me slightly hate you, but then I read your blog, which now makes me despise you. DANG IT, you have beauty AND talent? WHY GOD? WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME?
Now I will have to add you to my blogroll. DANG IT!
I guess you could come by and see me, but between my feral children, the glamour shot of my wanna be real estate agent husband, and my habit of eating while nude, you might not want to. Do it for Hoss.

Hippo said...

OMG you are too funny!

Dr. H.O. Potamus - Locker Room attendant

Anonymous said...

I know that I am totally late on this one but fuck it im gonna comment anyways. You will see more of me around here from now on..