Sunday, September 18, 2005

Can't an alcoholic get a goddamn nap anymore?

I always thought I had a good "woke up drunk" story--you know, an entertaining story about a funny place I woke up after a night of drinking. And I do have one--but as usual, my friend Josh makes me look like a lightweight.

First, my sordid story. Many years ago, my friend Becky and I went to Warrensburg (about an hour from home) for a street dance. I don't remember much of the dance, except that it wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped. Okay, perhaps that can be attributed to the fact that I got too drunk to enjoy it. At any rate, what I do remember is waking up in the middle of the night to the feeling of cold rain pelting me in the back. Hmmm--how odd. Was there a leak in my bedroom ceiling? A groggy, cursory inventory of the situation revealed that I had passed out face-down on the sidewalk. In an alley. About a foot from the open door of my car, where my keys were in the ignition and my purse was on the seat. It was 4 AM, there was no sign of Becky in sight, and I had those little bitty sidewalk pebbles permanently lodged into the flesh of my right cheek.

Incredible--could it really be that I was stupider and more careless than I had previously realized? I made a mental note to add this to the tediously long list of things I had done that I would crap myself if my future kids ever thought of doing. (And in case you're wondering, no, I don't drink like that anymore. In fact, that's the only time I ever did anything that stupid.)

But then there's Josh's story, which makes my drunken evening sound like an afternoon spent volunteering at an old folk's home.

One night he was sleeping peacefully when, from the depths of his very sound sleep, he thought he heard some kind of knocking sound. Hoping it was a dream, he tried to ignore it and settle back into his deep slumber. But the knocking sound continued, and as his fuzzy brain floated nearer and nearer to consciousness, the noise got louder, eventually revealing itself to be a very obnoxious banging indeed. Irritated to be yanked out of his lovely sleep, Josh angrily sat up and prepared to locate and punish the maker of the sound. Looking to his left, he quickly spotted the source of the commotion: Someone was rapping on his window. But why? What could be so important that he'd need to be awakened in the middle of the goddamn night? Squinting, he realized it was a cop. What the hell was going on here? And what was that infernal honking sound?

That's when he noticed he was in the back seat of a car.

At a stoplight in Kansas City.

And his brother was passed out in the front seat, with his head on the steering wheel, laying on the horn.

Uh oh.

But while that part of the story is strange indeed, perhaps the strangest part of is that the cop let them go. Somehow Josh convinced him that he was refreshed from his nap and able to handle the driving that his brother had so clearly been unable to. But don't go thinking Josh gets away with everything--he did, after all, get a DUI on a moped once. If I remember correctly, he was only driving the moped because he knew he was too drunk to drive a car, and was hoping to avoid a DUI by driving the moped instead. But as he eventually discovered, the law is no kinder to drunks on mopeds than drunks in cars.

His thinking wasn't totally flawed--in my teeny tiny hometown (about 30 minutes from where he got his two-wheeled DUI) there is an old man with a bit of a drinking problem. He has been in trouble with the local cops so many times for driving drunk that he finally either agreed not to drive his car anymore, or perhaps his family intervened and took it away from him. More likely, he lost his license long ago. At any rate, he no longer careens drunkenly around town in his car. Now he does it on his riding lawn mower. There are seven miles of highway between my hometown and his favorite bar in the nearest teeny neighboring town, and he can often be seen traversing them, at the rate of a crippled turtle, on his riding lawn mower, on his way to happy hour. As far as I know, the cops don't object to this.

What have we learned from this story?

1) An alley is a perfectly safe place to sleep, where your car, your purse, and your virtue will remain safe from pillagers and plunderers.

2) Cops in Kansas City are sympathetic to the plight of the public napper.

3) Drunk on a moped = jail time. Drunk on a lawn mower = quaint slice of small-town life.

34 comments:

La Boom said...

The "Burg" is NO place to do that kind of thing Karla. Damn.. I got a cold chill just thinking about it. In fact, I am scared even knowing about this many years later. I think you just took ten years off my life.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I think these rules should be duplicated and handed out to 8th graders so they'll know how to act at the graduation party.

(Oh, BTW, you is one damn lucky girl.)

john boy said...

Everytime I visit here I don't know if I should laugh or be scared. Usually it's a sick and twisted combination of the two. Well done! LOL But, damn girl!

CommonWombat said...

Your story wouldn't have been nearly as cute if you had woken up missing some important organs... Or even some less-than-important organs, come to think of it.

FTS said...

Wow, and I thought my story was bad. I humbly defer to your drunkeness. ;-)

Miladysa said...

Someone must have been looking after you Karla!

NA said...

Haha... Now this post brings back soooo many memories. I've been there and done that one too many times over. But what I want to know is... wtf happend to Becky???

niQ said...

stumbled upon your blog... love it. can i link you?

a friend of mine once woke up in a gutter in the middle of the business district in manila, after a full night's partying... she awoke to find 200 pairs of eyes checking out her bum.

of course, a goddamn alcoholic can always take a nap!

miss kendra said...

drunken alley sleepers of the world unite!!!!

poo said...

Is this the incident wher you shut your finger in the door and decided to pull it out while the door was still closed? I'm waiting for that one so I don't look like as much of a dumbass compared to you.

Colin said...

I'm amazed, that must have looked like an attractive proposition to some passer by?, (the car that is). Proof that God has a soft spot for drunks?

Masked Mom said...

It's so very generous of you to pass along this hard-earned wisdom so we don't all have to go out and learn it ourselves.

Thanks!

bornfool said...

I don't think the lawn-mower man is safe from a DUI. At least in this state you can get a DUI for riding a horse while drunk. I read about one such incident in the local paper about a year ago.

nita said...

we had a guy in my small town that had a bad accident, drunk, and wound up a paraplegic. he sued someone, got a zillion dollars and bought a corvette, which he drove crippled AND drunk all over town. he had another accident after about 5 years of drunk cripple driving, and, while the 2 coke hoes sharing the front seat lived, he died. IT WAS AT THIS TIME THE POLICE DISCOVERED HE HAD NEVER HAD THE 'VETTE FITTED FOR HANDICAPPED DRIVING, HE'D BEEN DRIVING IT - DRUNK - WITH A CANE.

i shit you not. don't you love small towns?!

karla said...

Poo: No, the finger mutilation incident happened a different time. Until I tell that story, you still hold the Dumbass title.

a fish on a bycicle said...

God may have a soft spot for drunks, but not for idiots like me (Colin) who can't even log in properly.

Hope said...

Just passing through, like your site. I have a friend of a friend who was stumbling home drunk from the bars and thought it would be a good idea to lay in someone's yard to nap. He took the care of taking off his shoes and setting them side-by-side as if he were getting into bed before laying down. The only problem was the homeowners were all having a party on their front porch watching this guy, and when he wouldn't get up they had to call the cops.

Jessica said...

Wow...scary, indeed - even when told in a funny, entertaining manner. Now that my son is 15, I shudder when I think of the things I was doing at his age and the things I did when I was old enough to do them but were stupid nonetheless.

NA said...

my 21st b-day.. I got so drunk that I passed out halfway under the car that I was riding in that night.. And that just so begins my drunken adventures...

mrtl said...

What do you mean? All of these are quaint slices of small town life.

I grew up in the metro DC/Baltimore area. We're talking 1. Dead with stolen purse/car.
2. Arrested (or killed by rear end collision)
3. Arrested (or killed by road rage for holding up traffic)

AnonymousCoworker said...

I was once almost arrested for WALKING while intoxicated. Damn big-city bastards.

undercover celebrity said...

He must have to plan so far ahead of time to be able to travel 7 miles on a lawn mower and still make it to happy hour in time.

"HDS" said...

I'm going to have to remember that next time I think I can drink a few bellinis and drive 3 blocks home. A riding lawnmower would make the drive more fun!

mrhaney said...

very good advice karla. i knew i put you on my xtra favorites list for a reason.

Curator said...

Don't forget the Baby Blues, those always pay off for you guys as well.

Cheers.

babyjewels said...

THAT was hysterical. I've just found you and glad I did.

Kiki said...

That's amazing. How the??? Why did ??? Hmmmm. That's amazing.

Little Light said...

What did happen to Becky? I guess I'm fortunate to live in a place where you either walk or take a cab home. I suppose.

karla said...

I can't remember anymore what happened to Becky. It wasn't anything major, I guess, or I would have remembered. (Or would I?) She must have ended up with friends of ours.

Walker said...

Passed out on the horn and it didn't wake either of them up ha ha ha I have been drunk but not that drunk.....Unless you count the time I passed out in the row boat and ended up 3 miles down stream.
Great stories

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

HILARIOUS! I am here because TJ over at Zazzafooky asked that we come by and say hi! Definitely a good stop! I will be back!

zazzafooky said...

What the heck part of Kansas City is this!!?? Hilarious story :-)

warcrygirl said...

LOL Loved this entry; unfortunately I don't remember any of my drunken exploits. Found you via Zazzafooky and I'll be back. Gotta love a blogger with the word 'boredom' in their title!

Rico said...

Oh the memories... Ever wake up naked the next day and thought, "Hmmm, this is awfully strange?"

Because I totally never have, really.