Sunday, November 04, 2007

Impending doom

Did you ever have one of those moments when you could sort of see your life from an outsider's view, and you didn't like what you were seeing? I'm having one of those moments now. Something terrible is about to happen--something unspeakably horrifying that will change my life in only the most awful ways--and I'm helpless to stop it.

A Wal-Mart is being built about a mile from my house.

Let me just take a moment to compose myself.

Okay, I'm back. Now, I'm certain I don't have to tell you why this is such a tragedy, because it's pretty obvious, isn't it? But I'll do it anyway, because talking about myself is so rewarding.

First, let me say that I don't live in an area thick with retail shopping. I live in a quiet residential area that's a couple of highway exits away from some businesses, but they're things like restaurants, drugstores, gyms, hair salons, etc. There is nothing along the lines of a retail superstore near my house. That means that if I need to buy a pair of socks, an axe, a hair dryer and a change purse all in one handy location, I drive about 8 miles and 6 highway exits away to the mall area, which is where the Target is, along with a multitude of other retail stores. It's close enough that it's quick to get to, but far enough away that I'm not battling shopping traffic every day just to get home from work. There have been times when, God forgive me, I have thought to myself, "I wish there was a big retail shopping center a little closer to home, because I don't feel like driving to the mall area right now." But of course I really didn't mean that--and even if I did, I was envisioning a Target--not a Wal-Mart. Please, anything but a Wal-Mart.

Do you know what's going to happen if there's a Wal-Mart that close to my house? I'm going to shop there. Even if I swear I won't, I will. There will be some late-night occasion when I find myself out of diapers or espresso beans or extra-extra-large condoms, and I will break my vow and go there, because it's convenient. I'll think, "Just this once," but it will happen again...and again...and again. I'll become a Wal-Mart Shopper. And my whole life will slowly unravel.

I'll start wearing baggy sweatpants every time I leave the house. I currently don't even own a pair of sweatpants--but soon enough my wardrobe will consist of 90% sweatpants, which I'll probably pick up at Wal-Mart for $7 per pair. I'll start wearing my hair in a half-ponytail on the top of my head. I'll learn how to deep fry catfish. I'll watch daytime talk shows and drive a mini pickup truck. I'll stock up on beer when it goes on sale. I'll follow every declarative statement with, "That's for damn sure." I'll play bingo on Wednesday nights. Every time I see you, I'll ask to bum a cigarette. When I overhear someone in the grocery store talking in a foreign language, I'll mutter loudly to the person next to me, "If they're going to live in America, they should learn to speak English." A steady diet of McDonald's food will cause me to triple in size.

So say goodbye to the Karla you've come to know and love...the elegant, refined lady who exemplifies class and style. No longer will you look up to me as the epitome of manners and decorum. I'm sad for you, losing your mentor, your spiritual guide. It will be a difficult road for you, wandering lost and troubled, seeking answers from anyone and everyone, never quite satisfied with what you find. Meanwhile, think of me from time to time, drinking discount root beer from a plastic Nascar cup at the makeshift table we will have fashioned from two old sawhorses and a broken door. (I'm not sure what will have happened to the perfectly good table we currently have, but just go with me here.)

I do still have a little time left before this downward spiral begins--construction looks nowhere near finished as of this moment. So if you want to save me from a very bleak future, I'll be happy to consider any suggestions you might have for how to stop this runaway train. Should I burn the place down? Do all my shopping online? Move to Brazil?

Help me.

31 comments:

marky said...

I think the only solution is for you to move in with me, here in Northwest Nowhere, my beauty. The closest WalMart is about 60 miles inland. I went in there ONCE out of curiosity. I don't want to see that happen to you. You're welcome. P.S. Bring some of those Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader shorts with you.

CommonWombat said...

Wal-Mart denizens are, on the whole, the rudest, nastiest, most sad and lonely people on earth. That being said, the most compelling reason I can think of for you to stay away is that you would actually bring the standards of that place DOWN.

Leave them the tiny shred of dignity and humanity they have left and keep your ass away. The rest of you should stay away also.

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Well, they do have the cheapest photo developing -AND- they sell cupcakes in packs of like 300, which will come in handy for classroom bdays, now that you have TWO kids.

Make sure you do all your shopping there AFTER midnight, when all the real die-hard Wal-Mart shoppers are out.

Tyler Durden said...

Wal-Mart sells extra extra large condoms? And I have been buying my condoms online for my giant coca-cola can size penis. I need to start shopping at Wal-Mart.

p2 said...

You know I am getting pretty tired of all these stereotypes you promote. What are you? One of those hippie liberal yoga instructors who live in Texas that are too good for the rest of the world?

Oh... wait.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, I heard WalMart was putting in some high-fashion stores where you need to wear shoes and T-shirts to be able to get in the store, and shoes to be able to buy anything. Maybe you're getting one of those.

Antonio said...

I suggest a suicide bombing during the grand opening. Since you're not a Muslim extremist, I suggest shouting something more relevant to the situation than "Allah is great". Maybe "cheap stuff sucks" or "employees should be able to afford health plans".

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU CRAZY BABBLER!! You don't realize how lucky you are! Sure, your property values will plummet...but you'll be within walking distance of the nation's exclusive distributor of the Eagles' Long Road Out Of Eden!!!

Sassy Blondie said...

Karla-in this housing market, you are pretty much stuck. Just keep saying, "Target! Target!" to yourself over and over.

And look up how to get away with arson.

Plexus said...

Remember, Wal-Mart sells crap and robs 10 IQ points from your brain through it's mind-sucking vampire hosts at the door.

If you need to start wearing sweatpants, check with those cute little Asian women where you can get the matching set, preferably pink with a racing stripe down the side; that is totally sexy.

I live a block away from a Super K-mart and if in a pinch, I've gone there maybe five times in two years. It always makes me feel better knowing that I am not wearing sweatpants; the color of my truck is not bondo, and I am not so obese that I can actually look down and see my penis.

S. Vincent said...

someone must have said Walmart three times in a row. I heard thats what makes them appear. You also forgot to mention that you will only shave your armpits sparingly and bless the store with your lint+deoderant collection every time you reach high for the 3 gallon barrell of cheese puff balls

honeykbee said...

I heard that if you chant "WalMart" backwards in a whisper and under the new winter moon that it will be sent back through time and into another dimension.

Hurry before the sweatpants with the writing across the ass gets there.

Effortlessly Average said...

Karla Karla Karla... I keep telling you that you as long as you wash it beforehand, you don't need to put a condom on the spaghetti squash.

anonymouscoworker said...

They are currently building a Wal-Mart less than a mile from where a Wal-Mart currently exists in my town. I imagine it's so all the old trailer trash ladies on electric scooters can pick which store they go to before the battery on the scooter wears out.

George said...

The 9/11 terrorists were actually looking for a small mart to really make a statement and kill even more, thousands more.

TexasGal said...

Sorry but I'd give my husbands left testicle for a Wal-Mart or a Target here in Singapore! It took me two friggin' months to find a trash can for the kitchen!

Eileen said...

Just buy the elastic pants now and give it up.

Nocturnal said...

They were going to put one by my house as well but I burned it down for fear I'd turn into a real Mexican.

Trent Reznor saved my life.

Cheers

Jenni said...

Not to rub it in or anything, but a brand new Super Target just opened less than 3 miles from my home.

Thankfully, since this is MN, being the home of Target we have many more of them than Walmart.

GAH...I throw up a little every time I say it.

Chief Slacker said...

It's simple, ensure all of your alcohol is in glass bottles and allow no beer with "light" in the title. There's been research proving the breaking point where the downward spiral become uncorrectable is the first purchase of Busch Light or the equivalent.

Standards must be maintained!

The Ex said...

Well, for the record, I'm a NON-Walmart shopper because dudes, Target is way classier.

On the other hand, I see nothing wrong with sweatpants.

Edge said...

You're the one woman I know who has had a baby and hasn't turned into a mommy blog. I hate walmart.

~Jef

Diana said...

I feel your pain. A few years ago, I moved to a small town in southern Minnesota, where the only retail establishment was a Wal-Mart. The nearest Target was ten miles and two towns away. Although the Wal-Mart was two blocks, I'd hike my ass into the car and drive to the Target. After your first couple of Wal-Mart indiscretions, you will feel so horrible at having to hang out with the Wal-Mart crowd, you'll get your ass in the car too!

Chebbles' Mama said...

Dude, you are so psyched, because you know what Walmart has? RIDE-ON SHOPPING CARTS. And you don't have to be handicapped or show ID or anything, you just have to be fat.

I'm so jealous of you right now. And now I'm craving generic root beer, thanks a lot.

Tiggerlane said...

Contact your realtor. MOVE IMMEDIATELY, if you can get someone to buy the place!

We have a WalMart SUPERCENTER - and thank goodness, it hasn't changed me. I'm still the same, hot, snooty beeyoch - and I look damn good.

Just buy a crapload of hand sanitizer, b/c if the store doesn't get you - the cart-germs surely will.

Anonymous said...

Well, at least you will have a nearby store to buy your pillows.....complete with bed mites already!

Anonymous said...

Funny...same thing happened to me. I was a Wal-Mart hater up until we moved super close to the on right off 75 (Central exp) in Plano.

Now, I literally know one of the cashiers names and I go to that Wal-Mart at least 2-3 times per week.

*sigh* I can't wait to move.

trinity67 said...

Do NOT shop at Walmart.

It sucks not to, it's inconvenient not too and it'll annoy the hell out of you not to.

But you really shouldn't, if you can help it.

That's my two cent's worth.

Sudiegirl said...

I have a way to help you...I've tagged you with a fabulous Christmas meme direct from Rancho Sudiegirl.

Please come visit to find out what you need to do.

jill said...

Not only will you become a WalMart shopper....you will, on your 55th birthday, be required by law to apply for a job as A WALMART GREETER! Augghhhh!

Bostick said...

pffffffft whatever. pfffffffffftttt.