Sunday, November 18, 2007

My "Before" and "After" poster may include a casket

If you've noticed that haunted stare in my eyes lately, it's because I'm starving slowly to death. One, maybe two of you will be sad when I'm gone; the rest of you will cheerfully ransack my house after my demise and steal all my CDs and clothes.

I gained close to 50 pounds during my pregnancy with Child #2 (that's actually her name, check the birth certificate), so I was fully expecting to give birth to a 45-pound baby and then be back in a bikini the following week. When my daughter came out weighing a measly 7.4 lbs, I cursed God. Then I began plotting how to lose the weight.

I know a healthy weight loss regimen is supposed to combine diet with exercise, but since my daughter isn't old enough to go with me to the gym (she'd have to be 6 months old to stay in the Kid's Club while I work out), I'm not able to get to the gym with any consistency. So I devised my special Auschwitz Diet Plan. It totally works! My daughter is three months old now, and I only have 6 pounds left to lose. The only side effect is that at any moment I might snap, and devour the next pet or child I find unattended.

In case you're interested in this incredibly successful diet plan, I'll give you a few of the basic principles to tide you over til my book comes out and my subsequent string of TV talk show appearances begins:

1) Don't eat. Ever.

2) If you feel you simply must eat, follow my Perfect Portion Rule: Don't eat any more food than will fit on the head of a pin.

3) Once you've measured out your food portion on the head of a pin, be careful not to eat the pin itself. You'll be so hungry you'll consider it, but trust me, it only leads to heartache, and copious internal bleeding.

4) Don't watch TV. The food commercials that air every 13 seconds will send you into thrashing, sobbing hysterics that will leave you exhausted and urine-soaked.

5) Don't keep food in your house. Every dieter with a family laments how hard it is to keep from eating junk food when there's so much of it in the house for the kids and the rest of the family. Naturally, the solution to this is not to buy it for them. And since my Auschwitz plan doesn't just involve cutting out junk food, but cutting out all food, that means not buying any food of any kind for your family. Oh, they'll whine and complain and beg for something to eat, but you've got to have a strong resolve--that's what dieting is all about. You should have heard the ruckus my 3-month old made in the first couple of days after I got rid of all her formula. But she eventually got used to it, and I haven't heard a peep out of her in days.

Okay, I'll be honest--I do only have 6 pounds left to go, and I'm not actually starving myself. And 90% of the time, I'm not even urine-soaked. But it's true that I am goddamn hungry. I lost the weight by cutting down to between 1100 - 1200 meticulously-recorded calories per day. When I get rid of this last six pounds, I'll go up to about 1700 calories per day, which will seem totally extravagant by comparison. Then, in February when my daughter's old enough to go with me to the gym, I'll burn enough calories to eat and drink like it's my birthday.

But in the meantime, do not fuck with me. I'm hungry. And do not leave your children and pets unattended around me.

29 comments:

Melani said...

What ever happened to leaving the kids in the car while you work out. I thought that's what y'all do in Texas!

Effortlessly Average said...

so should I feel guilty that I just finished a sirloin swiss sandwich and a dr. pepper from Jack in the Box? Oooo, and what's this? cookies in the jar? sweet!

Oh, and if you kick the bucket, I get the Barry Manilow stuff and anything you have from Yoyoma.

tfg said...

I can honestly say that the most energetic that I've felt in a long time was when I was eating 500 cal/day.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Take it easy there, tubby. Soon you'll be pregnant yet again and will balloon up another 50 or 60 pounds. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Hardees for a Thickburger combo.

Plexus said...

Remind me never to take a plane ride over the Andes in Peru with you. But I have to ask, will there be no dead bird for Thanksgiving?

CommonWombat said...

It's weird... Of all the many many deaths I've imagined for you over the years, (and I can spend all day just dreaming up ways for you to die) a slow death from starvation never entered my mind. Oh well. I'll add it to the list.

And don't worry. I'm eating enough for both of us.

And most of the people living between your house and mine, come to think of it.

Antonio said...

In the event you do die and we ransack your house for clothing, I call dibs on all the underwear. It'll look better on me anyway.

j/k

I'm that perverted. Really.

Valerie said...

That whole 'not eating' thing totally works.

Stacie said...

Can I have your address please? I have two teenagers I'd like to leave in your care for a few days....

miss kendra said...

i'm planning on beginning this diet immediately. i'm going to have to padlock the cats, but i don't think they'll mind.

p2 said...

Okay - I posted about you.

Lyvvie said...

Did I miss pictures of the new baby? I've been lurking about in anticipation of squee kawaii gushings of baby cuteness.

I admire your resolve. I wish I had some. dieting sucks. Gym is awesome! Why 6-months? Here it's after they've had all their shots they're good to be left in the creche.

Meticulously cataloged calories. That's the hard part really, huh. That required attention span. I admire you.

Sassy Blondie said...

Congratulations! I can attest the the success of calorie restriction...and no cake, chocolate, or liquor. :(

Oh, and if you'd be so kind as to visit my school, I'll have a group of children rounded up for you when you get there. None of them are tubby, so you can leave full and guilt free.

Chebbles' Mama said...

I notice that this is your elaborate way of showing off that you're almost down to your pre-pregnancy weight, and you haven't even had to work out!

For those of us on the way up (cha-chunk goes the bottom part of the doctor's scale), it's so envy-inducing.
Except I can deal with my envy by eating a LOT of chocolate chip cookies, and you can't.

The Middle Lifer said...

Go to Walmart, look at all the "really fat people" there and you'll say screw the diet and convince yourself you're already looking like Mary Kate.

Nocturnal said...

I'm thinking a good Skinny Puppy heroin addiction should do the trick. Above your years in age and still looking like teenagers by weight, not to mention technological geniuses.

Cheers

maja said...

Hey Karla! I saw your comment on lyvvie's blog. I do still have a blog... fortheloveofrocks.blogspot

Now I'm gonna look at your baby pics!

Chief Slacker said...

You know, you might want to put the weight back on and start stocking up on that food you've been avoiding. Recent scientific advances point directly to an impending zombie invasion. If you're too scrawny and look like death someone might cap ya thinking you're a zombie.

marky said...

Have you lost weight in your breasts? What size before and after exactly?

Virginia said...

I would wish you luck with your diet, but it sounds like you're doing great! I have had a wee bit of trouble with mine this week...and probably will until the holidays are over. But sometimes I just want a piece of pie, you know? Sigh.

Have a happy Thanksgiving!

BottleBlonde said...

Auschwitz Diet Plan! BAHAHAHahaha!

Yer goin' about this weight loss thing all wrong, though. Consume enough laxatives and diuretics to shit out your internal organs, and you'll be able to eat your weight in Crisco.

rob rob the party slob said...

karla you're an effing genius how did I not think of this before.... but I really think you're missing several important aspects, you don't barf and you don't wear sauna suits to "sweat it out" and remember just drink a cap full of water at a time to prevent bloating

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You could always bite my shorts.

Tyler Durden said...

Hey! How about the bulimia diet or the shit everything out diet? They work for hot skinny chicks. Give it a shot.

kimmyk said...

noted.

Lostcheerio said...

Dieting makes you mean. I just started a diet today and I feel like konking someone in the head. Good for you losing all but 6 pounds though. Splendid effort.

MeTheSheeple said...

No new posts in two weeks. I guess she did starve to death. Hey, is that Wombat trying to take advantage of her corpse? Stop. STOP. Oh, stop! that's just not right!

honeykbee said...

I plan on peeing off at least six pounds on Wednesday after everything I drink tomorrow. You should try, as if I had to tell you that.

Jaime said...

OMG! You are fn' hillarious!!!