Tuesday, December 04, 2007

This is too f'd up even for me.

I've been mocked for years for my habit of drinking pickle juice. I don't just take a little sip out of the jar when I'm spearing a pickle for a sandwich--I actually pour myself a little cup of it and sip it while watching TV. I have to be careful to pace myself, lest I drink all the juice long before the pickles have been consumed, leaving them to sit in the jar and dry up. Now, as far as I'm concerned, my healthy love of the taste of pickle juice doesn't seem like a big deal--certainly no cause for shock and horror--and yet, you should see how otherwise level-headed people lose their minds over a small thing like this. You'd think I was pouring myself a cup of human blood from a Spider-Man thermos I keep in my pantry. Which I also do, from time to time, but never in front of company.

I also eat Pickle Salt. I have no idea what the Twang company was thinking when they made this product, or who their intended demographic is, since I can't think of a single legitimate use for such a product. I understand that the lemon-lime version is used to make horrible Mexican beers taste tolerable--but the pickle flavor? Who's buying that, except me? No matter, since I probably buy enough of it to keep the company afloat all by myself. I keep several packets in my purse, and from time to time I tear one open and eat it like Pixy Stix. For this, I also take an unfair amount of abuse. People are strange.

So it can be inferred that I like the taste of pickles. But this next product? This is too fucked up even for me.
Pickle Juice Sport is, unbelievably, a sport drink made from pickle juice. This is the dumbest marketing concept I've ever heard of, bar none. As someone who drinks a lot of pickle juice, eats a lot of pickle salt, has made pickle juice popsicles on more than one occasion, and whines that outside of Alaska and Canada it's nearly impossible to find dill pickle dip for potato chips, I can tell you that people like me who embrace the taste of pickles in non-pickle form are definitely not in the majority. I've taken enough shit from enough people over my love of pickle juice to say with some authority that this product will fail quicker and more miserably than Mighty Dyckerson's brief experiment with heterosexuality. Even football player Jason Witten, the face of Pickle Juice Sport (who clearly will say yes to any endorsement offer of any kind) has to feel like a shithead when he tries to tell people with a straight face that this is a great product.

So if you happen to be the .00000000589 percent of the population who thinks this drink sounds like just the thing you've been waiting for, my recommendation is to get thee to the store immediately and buy this product in mass quantity, since it can't possibly be around for much longer. And if you happen to run into Jason Witten, call him a shithead for me.

32 comments:

Effortlessly Average said...

Hmmm... you appear to have a "pickle" obsession, which might explain why you pump out the offspring like China does lead-laced teething rings.

My question is, where do I find such a woman. Clearly Tyler Whitten has them all.

Virginia said...

I understand your pickle obsession. I am obsessed with ketchup. I put it on EVERYTHING (or eat it plain) and people laugh at me.

Wow, that pickle juice sports drink looks wretched. You're going to at least try some, right? Let us know how it goes...

MonkeyPants said...

In the interests of pickle lovers everywhere, I think you ought to try that sports drink.

It LOOKS wrong, but what if it's actually a new and delicious source of pickle goodness?

Sassy Blondie said...

Karla, my sister drinks pickle juice as you do. Maybe that's why I don't think it's as weird as it really is. I'll have to let her know about Pickle Sport! LOL

My opinion of Jason Witten has just been severely downgraded...

Sassy Blondie said...

Oh! And what do we use for stocking stuffer for her? You guessed it: Pickle Salt.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

YOU PICKLED BABBLER!!! Of all the things I can think of that you'd do with a jar of pickles, drinking the juice isn't one of them.

Neither is eating the pickles.

p2 said...

You take shit from people? What do you do with it when you take it from them? And people think I am crazy...

delmer said...

Maybe this is a drink that's supposed to add a little bit of juice to a man's pickle.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Thank God you draw the line SOMEWHERE!

S. Vincent said...

actually, football and pickle juice have long been friends. The salt and the vinegar in combination with plenty of plain fluids is said to be a secret weapon to prevent cramps. The odd thing is.....that dallas cowboys (who jason whitten plays for) got beat by the philly eagles who were said to have used the pickle juice during the game to battle the 110 degree Texas heat.

So there you go. I'm still not buying it and I think that you should seek a medicine man to whack you in the head with a big horse bone to cure you of this strange taste oddity.

Beth said...

pickle juice? ugh. My oldest daughter LOVES pickle juice with smashed up doritos in it...she eats it with a spoon. yuk!

Stacie said...

I used to drink pickle juice like that...but then I had kids and now I can't stand the stuff...I still like pickles though.

I prefer them fried, but I still like them...

Stacie

www.xanga.com/ilovpoprox said...

Unfortunately I do not like pickles. Never have. I still try them from time to time because I am open to the proven fact that my taste buds change pretty frequently. However, the snowcone shack by my house has sold pickle juice snowcones for as long as I can remember, and more people buy those than they would like to admit. Recently my friend became pregnant and cannot get enough pickle juice...pickles she will not eat- but she drinks at least 2-3 glasses of the juice a day as I sit beside her turning the same shade of green as the juice itself...and gagging.

jill said...

I couldn't find Jason but I did hollar "Karla thinks you're a shithead" at several college boys. I always love the potato chips (the ones that come in that plastic bowl with a sandwich at the deli) that have been sitting underneath the pickle the best. They have a pickle taste that is yummy.

CommonWombat said...

You'll be pleased to know that I left "pickle juice" all over your guest bedroom the last time I visited. If you're running low, just wring out the pillows, sheets, curtains, pictures of your mom, and um... Jake. That last one was an accident. That kid really knows how to get underfoot.

Did I just make a joke about masturbating on your son? I think that's a new low for me. I'd apologize if I wasn't sure I'd just shot up 5 rungs on your esteem-ladder.

Lyvvie said...

My Dad made me drink pickle juice to help get rid of my hiccups. It worked. As does olive juice. I have an aversion to salt, it's it extra icky for me. But I LOVE pickles. Go figure.

Valerie said...

I'm gonna have to try that pickle salt! I enjoy drinking pickle juice, too. Probably not to the extent of pouring myself a glass, though! ;)

anonymouscoworker said...

We once forced my younger brother to drink about a pint of pickle juice when we were little. It was awesome.

Also, wtf are you retarded? Dill dip is plentiful in the state of Maryland, just like chlamydia and sex-perverts named Wombat. The problem is clearly Texas.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Wombat, you jizzed on little Joke too?? Damn, I thought I was the only one! I feel dirty now.

Johnny Virgil said...

pickle juice popsicles??? dear god woman.

Fine For Now said...

Amen for pickle juice, although I have never poured it in a glass. I have a love for sour things too and devour every lemon or lime in sight, preferably a lime...mmm margaritas.

mindy said...

i freeze my pickle juice (still in the jar) and eat it like a slush. yum.

Just Expressing Myself said...

I'm a fan of bread and butter pickle chips. Heavenly - and the juice is good.
Waving at you from New York,
Frances

Chebbles' Mama said...

Your post made me vomit. I blame Jason Witten. What a slut!

TexasGal said...

I'll have to let my hubbie know. He likes pickle juice too. He even eats pickle and peanut butter sandwiches. However, since we can't even get Dt. Coke with Splenda over here I highly doubt he will find this here (in Singpore). Someone back home will have to go get him some.

icanseeclearlynow said...

OMG! i just called my teenage daughter over to read this post. we are both smitten! YES! another one of US! we are of the pickle-juice-swigging band as well!

:)

maria

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Jason Witten a dungheap? No way. Maybe you, but not Jason.

Jessica said...

Thanks, Karla...I was starting to fret over what to get you for Christmas. Mystery solved.

Nocturnal said...

Obviously there's something erotic to that even though it makes my stomach curl even thinking about it.

Cheers

Maven said...

See, I think you're in denial about the whole pickle juice thing:)

I think you should combine your love of booze, pickle juice, and that twang and come up with a "Pickle-tini."

One part vodka
One part pickle juice

And use the Twang to salt the rim of the glass.

Voila!


Maven

Kira said...

One of my best friends loves pickle juice as well. Even I've had a swig before, not my drink of choice, but it wasn't horrible. But eww, a pickle juice sports drink. WTF?

Sudiegirl said...

OK - I don't want to get crap from you ever again about my penchant for peanut butter and cheerio sandwiches on whole wheat bread.

Seriously...

Pickle juice? EEEEWWWWW