Friday, March 23, 2007

Next thing you know, you'll be eating hitchhikers' feet.

It's about time someone put their foot down in regards to the stubborn consumption of non-edible foods, and since I see none of you lazy asses are stepping up to the plate, it looks like it'll have to be me.

Not everything technically marked as "food" is edible. You can't just go stuffing every so-called food item down your throat all willy nilly, without asking questions. For instance:

Liver
is often considered a food, but have you smelled that shit cooking? It smells like a decomposing corpse inexplicably being heated on the stovetop. And the biggest telltale sign that it's not meant to be eaten is that no one bothered to dress it up with an acceptable name. You know, like when you eat dead pig, it's daintily called 'pork.' And when you eat cow carcass, it's politely referred to as 'beef,' 'hamburger' or 'steak.' No one ever intended you to eat liver, or they would have come up with a palate-friendly name for it, like 'binket' or 'dwan.' Would you eat spleen? Ovary? How about lung? Then liver is likewise not edible.

Yams. I've seen people eat yams--and no, they weren't starving waifs who had to dive into dumpsters for sustenance. They chose to eat yams--in spite of the fact that yams look like something a Beagle recently gave birth to. Not edible, unless you also snack on Beagle placenta.

Mincemeat pie is an abomination. At no time should the words "meat" and "pie" ever be in the same sentence, much less in the same word. Otherwise, what's to stop us from sitting down to Pig's Feet Pie or Pork Meringue Surprise next Thanksgiving? Trust me, not edible.

Clam chowder. I've never actually tried this, but that's only because I don't eat anything that looks like a hobo just puked it up. However, if I were, by some strange miracle, to be talked into eating puke, it would have to be because it was at least given a tantalizing name to lure me in. If someone were to ask any normal, right-thinking person if they'd like a bowl of clam chowder, the only possible response should be, "Fuck you and the hobo you've been partying with!" Only in select situations should you ever consider eating anything with the word 'clam' in the title, and never should you eat anything described as 'chowder.' Why? Uh, not edible.

Cheerio Sandwiches. Sudiegirl claims it's perfectly okay to eat Cheerios-and-peanut butter sammiches. But she's nuts, so don't listen to her. I see her train of thought--"Cheerios are good. Bread is good. Peanut butter is good. I have an idea! Let's smash them all together in a pile and I bet they'll be great!" Those old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials started this kind of thinking, ("Hey, your chocolate got into my peanut butter!" "Your peanut butter got into my chocolate!" Two great tastes that taste great together!) and I'm here to put a stop to it--it's just wrong and dangerous. Try applying that logic elsewhere and you'll see. "Babies are good. Rock concerts are good. I have an idea! Let's take our 6-week-old twins to see Rob Zombie!" Bad idea. Also: "Moms are good. Sex is good. I have an idea...." See? It's a slippery slope that starts with a few ridiculous food combinations and ends with deaf babies and mom rape. So, Cheerios Sandwiches? Not edible.

There's a lot more inedible foods than what I've listed here, so feel free to remind me of any I've left out--but just typing out this short list has made me nauseous. I'm going to go puke up some chowder.

38 comments:

anonymouscoworker said...

While were at it, can we outlaw all brain-based foods? Just because it's called head-cheese doesn't mean you should spread Bessie's brains on a cracker.

trinity67 said...

I've heard liver is supposed to be really tasty if it's prepared correctly. Whatever.

I love yams and sweet potatoes. I also love beagles. I do not love beagle placenta. Please don't make me eat beagle placenta.

Mincemeat pie is horrid. Isn't that the dish they put suet in?! ~shudder~

Clam chowder does look like hobo puke and for that reason, I'm afraid to eat it because although I love most things creamy, discovering that I'd bitten into a slimy piece of oyster would make me projectile hurl.

Now the Cheerio sandwich sounds great - I'll have to try that one and get back to you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I've got some organ meat for you right here, you crazy babbler! Even cums with tartar sauce!

fatwonkkid said...

that is why people eat pâté, not liver.

i knew this stupid girl that loved eating calamari, but thought squid was icky...fucking dope!

Ellie's Mommie said...

I totally agree that organs should not be considered food.

Yams are acceptable, though I may have to reconsider that thought when images of beagle placenta pop in my head the next time they are served.

I think I'd be okay with a PB & Cheerio sandwich. Maybe w/ honey drizzled on it. Then again, I enjoy PB & dill pickle sandwiches, so I'm probably not the best judge of edible things.

theotherbear said...

What's wrong with meat pies? They are practically our national dish here.

mist1 said...

Clam chowder is not actually made from clams. It is made from diced up pencil erasers and heavy cream. It's not bad. If you like pencil erasers.

puerileuwaite said...

Ever eat at Taco Cabana? Yes? Well, then you HAVE enjoyed these items, along with hitchhikers' feet. Just wait until the last trimester: you'll be BEGGING to go to Taco Cabana.

Jules said...

New England Clam Chowder is yummy. I didn't know there was any kind that wasn't the "New England" variety...it's especially good in winter.

Gucci Muse said...

You can't beat a good CHOWDA or a CHICKEN pot pie-and a mincemeat OR Sweetpotato pie is certainly good eats as well-

So now that you single handedly taken out a wide variety of food groups with one felled swoop,

What do you like?

Effortlessly Average said...

I can't believe no one's mentioned the most obvious non-food that I see in the store all the time: cow tongue. They don't even bother to scrape off the taste buds.

Nocturnal said...

Me and my sister were forced to eat liver on rare occasions when we were kids and practically puked every time. Many years later, they made it one night for dinner and my response was "If you think about the function of that organ... you might think twice."

Proved my point amidst a few laughs.

Lux Lisbon said...

MMM...liver pate with truffles. Yams with a little olive oil, garlic, ginger and Cumin seed. Microwave not recommended.

Anonymous said...

Now from reading this blog for the last 8 months, I'd figure Jake lived on Cheerio and PB sammiches.
It's a guaranteed backup after burning dinner (again).
Catnip

Monkey said...

Tongue.

Clam Chowder totally makes me nauseous. But living up here in New England, I'm treated like a Benedict Arnold for saying so. Thank you for saying what no one else dares to say!

CommonWombat said...

It's hard to take food criticism from a girl who drinks pickle juice straight from the jar.

gina said...

mmmm........taco cabana . i got distracted when i saw the words taco cabana... homemade tortillas, salsa/pico stations.... queso.....those crispy red chips mixed in with the plain...

life sucks here in sc with no tc.

honeykbee said...

Now, now, let's be rational. There's plenty of ways to prepare a nice HitchFoot.

mindy said...

hominy. now, i'm sick.
i enjoy pickle juice too... i even freeze it and have pickle juice slush!! yum.

kim said...

Loved this post -- funny, funny Karla.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I dunno about peanut butter and cheerios, but I betcha, peanut butter and captain crunch sammiches would be kick ass!

PS: I don't "do" organ meat. Kidneys or liver especially. All the toxins in the animal's blood stream ends up there. Blech!

It's Me, Maven... said...

PS: Dyckerson... tartar sauce my ass... that's more like CHOWDER! Quit getting your soups and condiments mixed up:)

karla said...

Trinity: Don't believe the liver propaganda you're being fed.

Mighty Dyckerson: Do I really need to make yet another crack along these lines:

No thanks, I need a meal that's big enough to fill me up.

I want to stop, but you're making it too easy for me.

Ellie's Mommie: Okay, please tell Common Wombat about your sick and wrong love of PB and pickle sandwiches so he can finally get off my back about drinking pickle juice and eating pickle salt. You're making me look sane.

puerileuwaite: Taco Cabana makes clam chowder look tasty. I descibe exactly how shitty it is in this post:
http://www.karlababble.com/2007/01/i-am-philosophical-observer-of-life.html
You receive 12 demerits for not hanging on every word of every post I've ever written.

gucci muse: I like pickle salt, pickle juice, fruit, salad, cereal and olives. I know that's not a big list, but I subsist largely on the misery of others.

Lux Lisbon: I will never eat at your house. Your plan worked.

Common Wombat: You came out of the bathroom long enough to read my blog? I'm touched.

Effortlessly Average said...

Hey fyi Karla, I started my blog up again, in case you cared to check it out again. Sorry to you and everyone else for mentioning it here in public, where it looks like I'm being whorish, but I didn't see a way to contact you privately.

Stacie said...

I think Rob Zombie is HOT, but I have a feeling he eats liver, and liver is NOT hot. No organ meats for this girl. I once set foot in a grocery store in Idaho where they sell chicken feet in the meat department. Not drum sticks mind you, CHICHEN FEET..from the "knees down...with toenails attached. Scared the crap outta me...now there's something that makes you say WTF???? Maybe it's an Idaho thing..I'm glad I moved.
Stacie

LisaBinDaCity said...

I am SO not a yam fan - blech!

I do like the chips that are made from them though, like Terra Blues - BIG YUM!

Flounder said...

I can't believe that you have an issue with clam chowder.

Perhaps you need to get your credit card out and pay a little visit here

tfg said...

Wench! I was going to name my new garage band The Deaf Babies and Mom Rape. Now, I guess I'll have to go with my second choice: The Evangelists

b said...

People can eat my ass .... though it's not marked as food ;)

Chebbles' Mama said...

You just described every authentic dim sum experience I've ever had, except you left out the part with the elderly fellow diners who had moles with lots of long hairs growing out of them. Ewwww. You've given us all morning sickness now, I hope you're happy.

Mel said...

i dont see a problem with cheerios and PB...but maybe that's because i eat fruit loops with american cheese. yes, i put them together like little sandwiches.

and to add to your list.... wax beans. WTF? people EAT those things?

andy said...

Dude, I am so inventing something that I'll title 'dwan' right now and market it to all the homeless and the butch lesbians. Seriously, who else is in the 'dwan' market?

(also, I would've accepted, Don Henley)

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

Those are all great examples! Steve over at The Sneeze takes it a step further and actually tastes stuff and reviews it...it's not pretty - but I KNOW you would enjoy it!!!

The Muse said...

I love me some yams/sweet potatoes. CB does not. (I didn't know this a few weeks ago when I made dinner. Poor him.) But neither of us would ever want to get close enough to beagle placenta to smell it, let alone eat it.

Yes, I'm also the crazy girl that likes brussel sprouts. My grandma knew how to cook them so little kids would eat them.

Oh, and whoever suggested PB & Cap'n Crunch sammiches is so my new best friend. I love me some Cap'n Crunch... the only food I'll willingly endure the pain of mouth-shred for!

Spaceman Spiff said...

Anything that has not completed the birth cycle should not be eaten either. This will only exclude certain dishes, like premie pie, bolut, and mom's to be. . . . if you are careful and don't cause an air embolism in the uterus, then it's ok. I happen to enjoy the occassional peanut butter, scrambled egg and mustard sandwich.......mmmmmmmmnn good!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Wrong, wrong, wrong. If mincemeat pie is made of venison, AS IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE, it is heavenly delight and very edible. Sorry to prick your balloon. (Heh heh, I said "prick".)

stephanie said...

Rob Zombie haunts my dreams.

Sudiegirl said...

OK - I am glad someone out there feels the PB and Cheerios love.

I'll have to try PB and Cap'n Crunch sammiches...that actually sounds quite tasty with a big ol' glass of milk.

Ohhhhh...pancreatic shock.