Saturday, March 17, 2007

This is one of those times where nudity would be an easy answer.

I have a wedding to attend very soon, which sends me into that typical female tailspin regarding what to wear. My situation, though, is complicated by the fact that I'm pregnant.

"What?!" I can hear you shouting drunkenly at your computer monitor, sending a nearby cluster of roaches scuttling hither and yon. "You're pregnant?! You never said anything about being pregnant!"

Look, asshole. I don't tell you everything. What, you want to hear everything? Is that what you want this blog to be about? Okay, how's this:

My shoes are kind of hurting my feet right now. They're old and should probably be replaced, but they're so cute! I love them, and they don't make this style anymore. I should know, I've checked every bloody shoe store in town--no dice. So I took these to the shoe repair shop and had the super-nice Asian guy who can't understand a thing I say repair the little rip in the seam, and he only charged me eight bucks. Good as new! Except that they hurt my feet, and they didn't used to do that. I guess that's what happens when the soles gets worn down, or whatever. Oh, I could just 'get over it' and go buy a different pair, but did I mention how cute these are? So, so, so cute. I have a hard time finding just the right style AND just the right heel height AND just the right color AND at just the right price, all in one shoe--know what I mean? It's funny, I have SO many pairs of shoes in my closet, but I wear this one pair, like, 90% of the time! Just like I was saying to my sister the other day....

You see? You see what this blog devolves into when I start puking up every thought in my head, every mundane fact about my life? Be glad I keep it neat, only posting about once a week criticize the entire human race, and take potshots at Dyckerson and Wombat.

At any rate, back to my fashion dilemma. Normally I'd be happy to look for something to wear to this wedding; girls love to get dressed up. Unless, of course, they've recently developed a grossly distorted, tumor-like mass in their mid-section that makes literally every cute/pretty/elegant clothing item look like an old shower curtain on them. When trying on dresses today, I looked a little bit like a Dow scrubbing bubble in most of them. Okay, I may be exaggerating a little bit--I'm only four and a half months along right now. But still, that means I already have no waist left, and it turns out that most dresses are made by and for people who have a waist.

So, since I can't look glamorous, cute, elegant or pretty at this wedding, I'm going to try for a different approach altogether--I'm going for outrageous and different. Kind of like when some kids turn 14 and realize they're not turning out to be as attractive as they'd hoped, so they opt to put 42 piercings in their body, color their hair fuchsia and wear packing materials as clothing, with the idea that if they can't compete, they can at least stand out. Suddenly, this dreaded task becomes fun! Now to narrow down my options.

I could go in full scuba gear. I will refuse to take my scuba mask off even while eating wedding cake, and whenever I go I will move my arms in a swimming motion. I'm still debating on whether to also carry a spear.

I could go in a wrestling singlet, which I've already made clear my great love for. At the reception, everyone else will be drinking and having a great time, rudely oblivious to my jealousy, unable as I am to drink for the entirely of my gestation (or my parole). To avenge my anger, I will randomly pin members of the wedding party to the floor in a wrestling hold.

I could go dressed as the Hamburglar. I will reply to every question asked of me with "robble robble," and when moving from place to place, I will dash furtively rather than walking.

I could go in a gladiator costume, complete with helmet and sword. When the preacher says, "I now present Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So," I will stand up and shout, "At my signal, unleash hell!"

I know it's rude and wrong of me to take my fashion frustration out on the perfectly likable couple getting married. But I think I've come a long way in my anger management. Whereas years ago I might have vented my unhappiness by sleeping with my boss's wife, slaughtering a family of five, or urinating on gradeschooler, these days the kinder, mellower Karla has toned it down, merely dressing inappropriately at a wedding. Baby steps, see?

Of course, my final outfit hasn't yet been decided, so if any of you have experience in outfitting Mr. Potato Head, Humpty Dumpty or a Weeble, I'll consider any advice you might have for what I should wear.

33 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You're PREGNANT??! You crazy *$@#! babbler! You told me you were on the pill!!! Fuck, now I guess you want me to pay for yet another abortion. You think I'm MADE of money??!

Vitra said...

Well, congratulations. Now your son can breathe a sigh of relief as you'll have someone else to try and boil in teh stew pot... And I vote for the gladiator outfit. The Hamburgler's verticle stripes will wreak havoc on your already fragile body image. At least with the gladiator outfit no one will dare tempt your hormonally raging wrath with a big sword in your hand.

puerileuwaite said...

I haven't been out of "The Great Southwest" for well over a year. So try proving THAT in a court of law.

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

Well, from the words of a man that Ellie's Mommie and I love very much. "I'll loan you my chaps." Just wear them and thong underwear. Maybe a little tube top. It will make a statement they will never forget. Not sure what the statement is, but they will never forget it. Congrats on being Prego..Ellie's Mommie's Mommie

Stacie said...

Congrats Karla! That's awsome!

I am so with you on the shoe thing, unfortunately, I can't offer you any hope, I've been on the quest to replace mine for a year and a half, and the only thing I found suitable didn't quite hit the mark. I have faith in you to do much better.
Stacie
ps...I'd go with the Mr. Potatohead suit, if nothing else, it would give everyone else some entertainment when the try to velcro the nose in the proper place...

Gucci Muse said...

Why don't you just borrow Dyckerson's primary colored clown clothes? Use the hat and banana as well for a full effect.

tfg said...

Jesus, I'd figured that the state of Texas would have hermetically sealed that thing after the last disaster. Call me a romantic, but I'm giving odds as low as 2-1 that your husband is the father.

mist1 said...

I cannot believe how inconsiderate people can be. Why would anyone plan a wedding while you're pregnant? Clearly, these people did this to spite you. I am always good with fashion advice. It's sort of my thing. It's unfortunate that you're not further along in your pregnancy for this event. I suggest going to your local maternity store and stealing the pregnant belly pillow that they have in the fitting room. You can borrow the one that I stole a few years ago, but I will need it back because I like to wear it from time to time when I break up with a guy and haven't seen him in a few months (it's a great ice breaker). Anyway, just as they're saying their vows, pretend to go into labor so that the attention can be turned back to you. Also, that way, you can wear one of those adorable empire wasted maternity frocks.

By the way, I can read anything about shoes, no matter how mundane. I wish everyone would blog about their shoes, complete with pictures.

miss kendra said...

i think you should wear a toga.

then people will know it's a real party.

karla said...

Dyckerson: In my quest to become a Better Person, I have a small confession to make. All those times you gave me money for "abortions," I was never really pregnant at all, but merely swindling you out of the money. To be honest, I couldn't believe the scam would work, since you and I have never met in person and therefore never had sex...yet time after time you dutifully forked over the money, which I then quickly spent on presents for other men, my house payments, and David Hasselhoff action figures. I ask your forgiveness for the tens of thousands of dollars I've scammed you out of, because I've turned over a new leaf now that I've found the Lord.

Puerileuwaite: Come on, for me: Get a shorter screen name. I was going to reply to your comment, but after it took me ten minutes to type your screen name, I lost my train of thought.

tfg: Go back to your Battlestar Galactica message boards and leave my blog alone.

Mist1: Then you need to read Kendra's blog! http://golden-state.blogspot.com/
It's good for the occasional shoe or shoe-related story. Well, unless she's recently tripped and broken both ankles in 5 places, which has happened more than once.

Antonio said...

Whoa you can't drink for the next 4-5 months? I'm sorry, a newborn baby is a beautiful thing (at least after it gets a nice bath), but it's SO not worth it, even when you take into account little bundles of genetic perfection like myself.

Now as for what to wear to the wedding, I suggest a Tshirt that says "It's His Baby, By Which I mean The Groom's". It'll be a wedding to remember if nothing else.

psquared said...

Let's hope the new one can defend it self or at least escape the boiling pot.


http://isabellaoliver.com/io/Shop?Dsp=30000&PCR=1:200:2030

All the best,
p2

Jenni said...

The Hamburgular is great, but Grimace would be better.

Or the "Burger King" guy....Which would be super creepy. You could just stand there and stare at people not saying a word as they decided whether they wanted to run, or crawl to the nearest corner and rock back and forth.

Needtsza said...

try dressing as Puff the Magic Dragon

Lux Lisbon said...

Wear a wedding dress.

tfg said...

I fear that I've actually offended you with my last comment. With that in mind, let me say that I've reconsidered and I'll give odds as low as 3-2.

Seriously, I'm very happy for you.

Anonymous said...

Don't you have a maternity Policewoman uniform just laying around, collecting dust?
Seriously.
Congrats on the bebe. Now you'll just have to get a stewpot built for two (bebes that is).
A-noni-mouse

Alaskan Niece. said...

YOU MUST BUY DANSKO'S they are the only shoe to wear. I was not a believer until recently, they are wonderful!
BABY's and more BABY's, make it arrive now! ok ok let it cook a little longer.

Jack's Shack said...

I could go dressed as the Hamburglar. I will reply to every question asked of me with "robble robble," and when moving from place to place, I will dash furtively rather than walking.

Cool. Just remember to post some pix. ;)

Nocturnal said...

Well it's about damn time KB, good 2CU and Brian counting ceiling tiles; Texas style.

Congratulations!

MeTheSheeple said...

A) People need licenses to own dogs
B) People need licenses to drive cars
C) You people let Karla breed again.

{illyria} said...

came over from nocturnal, who went all out and congratulated you nocturnal-style. :)

congratulations, karla!

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

No smart ass comment here - just a congrats!!! I hope to win this baby too in the next contest!

kimmyk said...

I read on NT's site that you were knocked up. It's good to know you have shoes on your feet though and aren't some sort of cliche'. I do sympathize with you about the shoes hurting your feet-that sucks. Anyways, back to my original thought-Congratulations! Babies are a blessing...and it doesn't hurt they smell pretty good 85% of the time.

honeykbee said...

David Hasslehoff! You HAVE to go as David Hasselhoff!

Or at least name the new bundle of tumor David Hasselhoff.

And by that I mean "congrats"!

Gerbera Daisy said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! When's your due date???

It's Me, Maven... said...

I'd say go for the wrasslin' singlet, only make it a size smaller than what is necessary. This should give you a lovely, exaggerated pregnant cameltoe.

Maja said...

Congratulations on being pregnant, I can't believe it took you this long to mention it!

In Australia all the tops and dresses that are selling in the shops seem to be tapered to just under the breasts and then they flow out from there, making all the skinny and other non-pregnant women out there actually look pregnant. Isn't that style still in fashion in the US? Cause you would look totally hot in something like that.

Hmm, I just decided to do a search to collaborate my claims.. maybe they're not that in fashion anymore, but I found this cool site.. you should check out these dresses: http://www.allyfashion.com/web/products_cat.asp?ProductCategory=8&ID=8

Haha, I'm like a spammer!

stephanie-austin.com said...

Please go as the Hamburgler.

Spaceman Spiff said...

Try mimi's maternity or kiki's fashion. . . . my wife got really nice dresses for a wedding and later, our anniversary from there. There is another place, but I can't think of the name right now. I'll untie and ungag her later to find out.

I agree with Jenni, you have to go as the King. . . . maybe Brian could be the King and you could be the Queen. If you tqke Jake then you could let him be Jr Whopper with Cheese. It would be so creepy that the bride and groom wouldn't even get mad. . . . they'd be scared of the consequences.

Spaceman Spiff said...

Oh, congrats on the new addition. . . . let's see. . . . didn't wombat come and visit you about 4 months ago? Nah. . . . couldn't be. . . . . you look nothing like a bull.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Listen, kiddo, this pregnancy: You got any idea what caused it?

Ellie's Mommie said...

I hate it when people decide to have social gatherings when you're pregnant. I mean, my family insisted on celebrating Christmas when I was 4 months pregnant! Yes, a six hour drive on Christmas Eve will definately leave you full of Holiday cheer!

Now at 7 months, I've have given up on all fashion sense as well. I highly suggest purchasing yourself a stylish shower curtain. I looked at my local department store and found some fabulous patterns, complete with matching accesories. I recommend earrings & a necklace styled from the matching curtain hooks. The possibilities are endless.

Oh, and my father's recommendation of chaps & a thong definately do make a statement, but I think it might be slightly distasteful to steal the bride's wedding night attire.