Tuesday, February 20, 2007

My continuing struggle to make the world a better place

In this superficial culture so focused on beauty and appearance, a person who feels comfortable just being himself is truly an anomaly. When you stumble across that rare individual who clearly has no self-consciousness about looks, who feels free to dress as he wants, leave his hair uncombed, and eschew fashion trends, don't you think to yourself, "Finally! A breath of fresh air! Someone who is brave enough to go his own way! Good for him!"

No? You don't think that? Me neither. I think, "Jesus Christ, look in a mirror, asshole, before I pick you up and carry you to one." Then I follow him around and silently, but obsessively, mock him like the small, petty person I am, whipping myself into a state of total indignance that this turd has the nerve to shatter the world's quiet beauty with his careless indifference.

For example, there' s the shabby chick who has come into my workplace every few days for the past two years wearing running shorts, a baggy t-shirt, men's athletic socks and leather sandals, with her ratty hair recklessly stuffed into a messy bun on the very tiptop of her head. Not the upper back of the head, where societal standards dictate that a bun should reside, but the tippity-tippity top, where old ladies sometimes put ribbon on their ratty little dogs' heads. And it's not one of those buns you need a mirror and a comb to create, either--I'm talking about one that starts as a pony tail, and then with one more drunken half-pass through the pony tail holder, becomes short enough to look bun-length. By the looks of things, she does this one-handed while driving a 4-wheeler across a half-acre of felled timber. And there's no makeup, jewelry or anything on her to signal that she understands she's female. Yet she's a wealthy woman, from what I can tell. She can afford to buy a mirror. And a pair of ladies' socks. She could use a metric ton of fashion advice, but if I were restricted to giving her just one tip, I'd tell her, "Buy a fucking hat, and never, ever take it off."

There's also the lady I see five days out of every week, who is always, and I mean always, wearing bright red socks. Not because she's homeless and only owns one pair, either. She dresses very nicely, if you dig the middle-aged, lesbian high school principal look, and seems to have a massive wardrobe since I rarely see her in the same thing twice...except for the clown socks. I find this objectionable not because it looks bad--it's not so terrible, just rather odd. What bothers me about it is how it's clear that she's decided it's her 'signature,' in the When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple vein. I'd like to have a moment to sit down with her, put a gentle hand on her shoulder, and say quietly, "Quit being such an attention whore, and just dress normally. Why should the rest of us have to pay for the fact that your daddy didn't love you enough?"

Then there's the tall, thin, reasonably attractive 30-something gentleman I saw the other day in the post office wearing your average, run-of-the-mill men's attire--jeans, shirt, socks...and big, pink, fuzzy ladies' house slippers with purple butterflies embroidered onto them. A real struggle ensued in my head when I saw this guy--I thought and thought and schemed and struggled to come up with a way to get a digital picture of this guy without getting beaten to death with a slipper, but ultimately I chickened out. If I were given the chance to give this guy one piece of fashion advice...I would decline the opportunity. I don't want to die by choking on pink fur that stinks like feet. And a guy who will go out in public looking like that is capable of absolutely anything.

The worst offender of all: The heinous-looking fellow at my gym who insists on a workout wardrobe that consists entirely of low-cut wrestling singlets and bandana do-rags. I've included a picture of a wrestling singlet for your edification, but let me be clear in saying that this jackass looks nothing, absolutely nothing like the model in this photo. And even the model in the photo looks like a total tool in this ridiculous getup--but trust me, the dude at my gym sets new records for total toolery. He looks like a puffy Robert Plant--now, not then--who I've also pictured here for your benefit. As for the picture of the singlet, I wasn't able to find one that's as low-cut as his--it goes all the way down to his horrid, horrid bellybutton which protrudes shamelessly from his distended, matronly belly. You don't want me to get started on how these ridiculous outfits tend to showcase a man's private parts, which, in his case, should really be kept private. Or at least be set against some kind of a magnifying mirror or something. My one tidbit of fashion advice to this guy would be, "Never, ever, under any circumstances, leave your house again."

28 comments:

Aza said...

Subtle James Bond stealth rules the cell phone quick pic- please sneak a picture of the guy at your gym. As thorough as you description is, I must see this train wreak in all of its lack of penis outline, flubber bellied glory.

If the subtle James Bond stealth approach doesn't work, try the enthusiastic ego stroke approach, “Oh My God! I just love that outfit! Where did you get it? I just have to buy one for my husband! Would you mind if I took a picture with my cell phone, it looks just great on you!?” This method really does work- and I’d be willing to bet he’d even pose for you.

Jules said...

What exactly do you do that would allow that woman to come to work in shorts?!? I want that job. Maybe.

Jules said...

But, I'd probably dress better...

I'm just sayin'...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I once shared a bowl of Corn Flakes with Victor Hugo.

delmer said...

>>Buy a fucking hat<<

I'd heard the term "fuck-me pumps," but wasn't aware that women had gone so far as to design headgear for the occasion. Are these to prevent headboard injuries?

Gucci Muse said...

Any long terms effects due to all this exposure to bad fashion? I just don't know how you get through it all, day in and day out.

Needtsza said...

The word does try to throw up roadblocks.

gina said...

only a woman could understand the whole description of the bun. lol. that was GOOD stuff, kb

Lux Lisbon said...

My mother-in-law has taken to wearing this fuschia scarf ever day. It's hideous.

andy said...

K(C), thanks for reminding me of the word 'singlet.' It reminds me of a time when, (because tennis season started early in cold MI, and i was so cool that i was the damned captain of that tool squad) we went to the gym to play tennis. I saw a fat old dude in a singlet. It scared me too.

Then later he was in the locker room. Not so much in the singlet anymore. Absolutely nothing private. So at least that didn't happen to you.

I'm guessing.

Dooce Fan! said...

Yuck! I would hate gym guy!!

CommonWombat said...

I'm pretty sure I have pictures of you in some PRETTY HEINOUS hats, Mrs. Fashion Plate.

Chebbles' Mama said...

One wonders if it's not YOU with the red socks, the puppy bun, fuzzy slippers and the singlet, and this is just your sophistocated way of confessing.

honeykbee said...

There's a reason they're called "private" parts and that sniglet laughs in the face of said concept. Otherwise, it is no laughing matter.

Dude at my gym works out every morning in black jeans.

Black. Jeans.

trinity67 said...

Oh. Dear. Lord.

Jenni said...

Sweet Jesus.

I've had nightmares that were more tame than the brief thought of Robert Plant in a wrestling onesie.

You win...Or perhaps loose...I'm not quite sure.

karla said...

aza: Man, I wish I had the balls to do that. I just couldn't look that guy in the face and tell him he looked good. I'm a good liar, but that's going above and beyond.

Jules: We wear whatever we want at work. I usually wear a wrestling singlet, and a bandana on my head.

andy: I think that was Mighty Dyckerson.

commonwombat: I looked great in those hats. Or maybe I just looked great compared to you.

chebbles' mama: Christ, I hate it when people see through my lies.

jenni: Wrestling onsesie! I wish I'd thought of that; I'd have used that in this post.

Nocturnal said...

Sounds like you've been observing at Venice Beach lately. I have a great deal of admiration for those who dare to be different.

Stacie said...

you're stalking me again aren't you?

Stacie

andy said...

Dude, now that you mention it, he was always carrying around a banana and a creepy look. And I was a 14 year old boy.

Spaceman Spiff said...

I only wear my wrestling onsies and bandana if I am going to the office in my pink slippers and red knee high socks. Oh, I wear my Members Only jacket too. It really completes the ensemble.

karen! said...

I love your stuff! I just saw the cute pic of your little one down below. He's so sweet!! Ready for more?? Huh?

Chica said...

A girl in my year wore suede knee high boots - to graduation. On the hottest day of the year.

There is so much badness in the world.

Carla said...

As a fromer rower our uniforn of NOT our choice was a unisuit, as in one piece. NO one liked wearing them, every bodily thing that was usually hidden by clothes was magnified 100x in this spandex second skin. You really could tell a mans religion whilst he was wearing one of these. Did it makes us row better?, not so much.

mindy said...

there are two guys at my gym who wear those hideous outfits too..in addition to warlock necklaces that have crystals and dragons on them. they both have farmers tans and long stringy hair. they look flabby too... like they don't work out EVER. maybe they just put spells on people. they seriously freak me out.. so much so that i quit going to the gym. sure, i could just go at a different time, but who wants to take that chance.

tfg said...

God, you are cruel. I can't imagine what you'd say about my pushup codpiece.

Cindi said...

Your post had me laughing and then the commenters have me cracking up too! So funny.

Curtis said...

Wow, you are dark and nutty. I stumbled into your blog from a horrific newpaper story---hard to explain the connection----and found both comic relief and deeper shadows.

Thanks!