Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Who knew he'd live so long?

It's that time of year again--Jake's birthday party, the social event of the season, looms on the horizon. Actually, it's this Saturday. He'll be two years old.

I know you've spent the past year plotting and planning what to get him, and I appreciate the thought you doubtlessly put into finding just the perfect gift. There's still plenty of time for you to drop those parcels off to be FedExed in time for the shindig. I do want to lay out a few guidelines before you dash off to your local shipping facility, though, to be sure you don't waste your hard-earned money on a gift that turns out to be wholly inappropriate for a small child. Some of the things you sent last year were--well, let's just say it's obvious some of you don't have children.

1) No toy guns. I don't believe in letting little children play war games with plastic guns, pretending to kill each other in mock battle. In our house, we use real guns. Don't insult my son by sending him a plastic rifle. If you can't afford to give him a real shotgun, just send a card instead. Also, just as it's rather thoughtless to give a battery-operated toy without also being considerate enough to include batteries, it's equally thoughtless to give a gun without including ammunition. If you give him a 9 mm pistol, send bullets. If you give him a grenade launcher, send grenades. Don't be a cheapskate.

2) No pornography. Do I really have to say this? You surely have the common sense to know not to do something so inappropriate. Considering the huge volume of pornography we already have laying around the house, and crammed on the bookshelf in Jake's bedroom, it would be a waste of money to send more to him when you could be spending that money on something he doesn't already have plenty of.

3) No toys with small, easy-to-choke-on parts. We've all heard a horror story about a kid who was playing with a toy that was considered safe, until a small part broke off and ended up in the kid's mouth, causing a fatality or near-fatality from choking. Safety is a priority in our house, which is why we shy away from giving Jake toys of any kind--after all, you never know until it's too late if a toy is going to pose some kind of unforeseen hazard. Instead of toys, we give Jake plenty of guns and pornography, which pose no choking threat at all.

4) No books or games which depict Christ as our lord and savior. Everyone has their own beliefs about religion, and we don't deny anyone their right to worship as they choose, so long as they don't try to push their religion down our throats. For the record, we are strict Scientologists who believe that aliens crapped us out after a particularly big meal, and we ended up on earth when the waste management system aboard their spacecraft malfunctioned and dumped out sewage in mid-flight. Even though we'd appreciate it if you would refrain from giving Jake any kind of propaganda depicting Christ as the savior, we welcome anything you want to give that depicts Tom Cruise as as the tiny little friendly, elfin, couch-jumping genius and philanthropist he is.

5) No candy. Obesity is an epidemic in America, and bad eating habits start in childhood. That's why we steer Jake away from sugared treats by offering him appetite-curbing cigarettes any time he begins clamoring for snacks. If a couple of Marlboros aren't sufficient to kill his sweet tooth, a shot of tequila usually does it.

Well, that about covers it. I think if you carefully review the above guidelines and commit them to memory, you should have no problem seeing Jake a gift that will be appreciated by him as well as by us, his watchful parents. Particularly if you also adhere to the common sense rule that any gift under $100 is just plain embarrassing and cheap. Now, I don't want to keep you here all day reading my blog; get out there and send those gifts, pronto. And don't expect a thank you card--I have a life, you know.

28 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

Well you made no mention of Little Jake already having a home Meth Lab, so that is what I have in mind. It's part of the "My Little Entrepreneur" line that Fisher Price is test marketing in the Dallas area (boy, is THEIR marketing research ever precise!)

Now Karla, don't be one of those parents who doesn't give their child a crack at the toy because they're too busy enjoying it and basking in the nostalgia.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Screw the list. I'm giving Joke the gift that keeps on giving: psychotherapy. Keep posting dorky pictures like that, and he'll most certainly need it.

BTW, pornography does present a choking hazard. Every time I see a Victoria's Secret catalog, I choke my chicken!! AM I RIGHT PEOPLE??!!

The above piece of literary brilliance was authored by one and only Mighty Dyckerson...harassing and offending bloggers since June 2005. If you aren't completely satisfied with this comment, Mighty Dyckerson invites you to go fuck yourself.

Antonio said...

I'm getting Jake the gift no one ever thinks of: connections. Mafia connections to be exact. It'll be great if he makes it to preschool and notices some abnormally big kid is acting like he runs the joint.

Not a Cookie Cutter said...

I'm giving Jake a nice set of drums, a black light, a whistle and glow stick so he can have a quasi-rave in his own room now that he has out grown pacifiers, this will give him and excuse to utilize one again and remember the good old days of his youth.
~GINA

Lux Lisbon said...

Sorry I won't be sending Jake any thing. I have my own prodigy to spoil. Feel free to send us any of your unwanted porn though.

anonymouscoworker said...

Does he play with dolls? Do you think he would like a Real Doll? I think I know where we can get a used one for cheap. You have Wombat's email address right?

soapbox.SUPERSTAR said...

My gift is in the mail!!! I am sending him the Pete Doherty DIY Home Cocaine Injection Kit!!! It comes with a free instructional video featuring Pete himself!!!

He'll have hours of fun partying like a true rockstar!!!

andy said...

Ahhh, nostalgia. Reading your blog always reminds me of growing up with nana and her Virginia Slims and goiters...

Spaceman Spiff said...

I got a hydroponics system on sale for $97.95 at Walmart. I guess I'll have to keep it though, since it doesn't meet the $100 minimum. Maybe next year I'll send him some of the produsts of the kept gift. . . . what's a brick go for now a days anyway?

I think someone is posing as the real Dyckerson and using his likeness illegally. Why else would he "approve" this message. Seems a little fishy to me. . . . . I left that open ended for anyone willing to take it over from there.

Dooce Fan! said...

Happy Birthday to him. Good for no toy guns. Even if they don't shoot anything, you can still get hurt with them. I still have a scar on the back of my head from when my cousin beat me with toy rifle. It was bad and it was just a toy. You can never be to careful as they say.

jenn said...

Had to post a reply with this. I saw it on bloggingbaby.com.

"TOM IS MY NEW JESUS."
http://www.cafepress.com/dmops

It's on adult clothing, baby clothing, cups, hats, bags, and stickers, buttons and magnets.

honeykbee said...

My birthday is in May. Same rules apply.

Chebbles' Mama said...

Why do you think the Oakland police just raided that $6 million stash of pot growing across the street from an elementary school? Jake's birthday party, that's why. That's the #1 reason why kids grow weed.

http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/state/16651438.htm

tfg said...

I'm going to get him a fully functional drum set because I'm that kind of friend.

Frances said...

Happy Birthday Jake!

Can't wait to see the party favors Mom whips up for your party.

Jack's Shack said...

Jake needs some kind of toy siren. Doesn't matter if it is attached to a car/truck, just that it is incredibly loud.

Chris said...

It has to be Reds right? He doesn't smoke anything sissy like Ultra Lights?

Anonymous said...

Jack - yeah, one of those hard hat helmets with the siren, beer holders with drinking tubes as well. He'll be the star of the daycare toddler class. If his mommy isn't using it all the time.

Crunchy BC said...

I'll be sending Jake a blow-up Mommy so he can have something to hold onto as he cries himself to sleep at night.

Unfortunately, I was unable to locate one that doesn't have a surprised expression on its face. The good news is that it does have secret compartments for hiding candy.

Ben said...

You didn't say anything about beer, let the hops flow for the Jakemeiser.

That or a hot date by way of Bethie's cutie pie who just turned two as well.

http://mommawethyb.blogspot.com

Carla said...

geez, can't we just send cash?

karla said...

Puerileuwaite: That reminds me of the good old days when I got my first Easy-Bake Pot Brownie Oven.

ACW: Great idea! I'll get him a Real Doll that looks like me, and I can leave him at home with the Real Doll while I go barhopping. He won't know I'm gone.

Jack's Shack: All kid's have a siren lodged in their vocal cords. Incredibly loud and effective.

Chris: Did you just say Ultra lights? I've killed people for less.

Carla: You may be the smartest person I've ever encountered, aside from myself.

Aza said...

I saw no mention of fireworks in your post but had already dropped my package by the post office prior to checking in here- so when you get that box of edible M-80's in the mail, just write "Return To Sender".

mindy said...

happy birthday to jake!! karla, i do hope you aren't planning on "baking" his birthday cake. try to refrain.

Jenni said...

What about shards of glass in a box, a glad tupperware container full of raw, two day old room-temperature chicken or an envelope full of Mad Cow disease?

All equally hazerdous and fun at the same time.

Can you imagine? "YAY, a bowl full of ebola! Thanks MOM!"

Jenni said...

"Ebola, the gift that keeps on giving."

Thought of that one a little late...sorry.

mysterygirl! said...

You had me from the title-- this is hilarious. You can expect a set of Ginsu knives to arrive in the next 3-4 business days.

Ellie's Mommie said...

So I know I'm late on this, but I laughed so hard over the post I simply couldn't resist. Unfortunately, many of the best gifts have been spoken for.

I'm hoping Jake will be satisfied with a fake I.D. and a 2 for 1 pass to the Red Light District. Of course since one of my latest topics has inspired my family to start purchasing condoms for our unborn daughter, I'll re-gift a few of those to Jake as well.