It's that time of year again--Jake's birthday party, the social event of the season, looms on the horizon. Actually, it's this Saturday. He'll be two years old.
I know you've spent the past year plotting and planning what to get him, and I appreciate the thought you doubtlessly put into finding just the perfect gift. There's still plenty of time for you to drop those parcels off to be FedExed in time for the shindig. I do want to lay out a few guidelines before you dash off to your local shipping facility, though, to be sure you don't waste your hard-earned money on a gift that turns out to be wholly inappropriate for a small child. Some of the things you sent last year were--well, let's just say it's obvious some of you don't have children.
1) No toy guns. I don't believe in letting little children play war games with plastic guns, pretending to kill each other in mock battle. In our house, we use real guns. Don't insult my son by sending him a plastic rifle. If you can't afford to give him a real shotgun, just send a card instead. Also, just as it's rather thoughtless to give a battery-operated toy without also being considerate enough to include batteries, it's equally thoughtless to give a gun without including ammunition. If you give him a 9 mm pistol, send bullets. If you give him a grenade launcher, send grenades. Don't be a cheapskate.
2) No pornography. Do I really have to say this? You surely have the common sense to know not to do something so inappropriate. Considering the huge volume of pornography we already have laying around the house, and crammed on the bookshelf in Jake's bedroom, it would be a waste of money to send more to him when you could be spending that money on something he doesn't already have plenty of.
3) No toys with small, easy-to-choke-on parts. We've all heard a horror story about a kid who was playing with a toy that was considered safe, until a small part broke off and ended up in the kid's mouth, causing a fatality or near-fatality from choking. Safety is a priority in our house, which is why we shy away from giving Jake toys of any kind--after all, you never know until it's too late if a toy is going to pose some kind of unforeseen hazard. Instead of toys, we give Jake plenty of guns and pornography, which pose no choking threat at all.
4) No books or games which depict Christ as our lord and savior. Everyone has their own beliefs about religion, and we don't deny anyone their right to worship as they choose, so long as they don't try to push their religion down our throats. For the record, we are strict Scientologists who believe that aliens crapped us out after a particularly big meal, and we ended up on earth when the waste management system aboard their spacecraft malfunctioned and dumped out sewage in mid-flight. Even though we'd appreciate it if you would refrain from giving Jake any kind of propaganda depicting Christ as the savior, we welcome anything you want to give that depicts Tom Cruise as as the tiny little friendly, elfin, couch-jumping genius and philanthropist he is.
5) No candy. Obesity is an epidemic in America, and bad eating habits start in childhood. That's why we steer Jake away from sugared treats by offering him appetite-curbing cigarettes any time he begins clamoring for snacks. If a couple of Marlboros aren't sufficient to kill his sweet tooth, a shot of tequila usually does it.
Well, that about covers it. I think if you carefully review the above guidelines and commit them to memory, you should have no problem seeing Jake a gift that will be appreciated by him as well as by us, his watchful parents. Particularly if you also adhere to the common sense rule that any gift under $100 is just plain embarrassing and cheap. Now, I don't want to keep you here all day reading my blog; get out there and send those gifts, pronto. And don't expect a thank you card--I have a life, you know.