You could live without this information, but who would want to?

Honeykbee has a keen sense of what's fascinating and topical, and what's not. Maybe that's because her profile shows that she's 250 years old, and in that time, people manage to learn a few things about life. She asked me to list the top ten things I'd rather be doing right now and/or my top ten least favorite aromas. For this reason, I must assume she's very, very, very bored. But I'm nothing if not accommodating, so here goes:

I was only able to come up with) 5 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now:

1) Taking a meat tenderizer to the skull of the unidentified whore who last used the bathroom at my workplace, and peed on the toilet seat. (And just to be clear, I'm talking about a meat tenderizer mallet, not the stuff you sprinkle on. Although, now that I think about it, I might be interested in using the two together, for some added humiliation.)

2) Bringing back the word "cooze."What ever happened to this gem? Go ahead, call me old fashioned, but I long for the good old days.

3) Discovering a way to abet without first having to get mired in the cumbersome task of aiding.

4) Inventing a vastly improved bulb syringe. These ancient relics have been around since babies were first invented, and are still the only known way to clean out an infant's snotty nose until said infant gets old enough to understand how to blow his own nose. Basically, the thing resembles a turkey baster--you squeeze the bulb, then insert the pointy tip into the flailing child's nose and release the bulb so that it sucks out the snot amidst the high-pitched screams of what sounds like a badger on fire. No changes have been made to this product since its creation. The lack of advancement in this important area of medical science is unforgivable. I would like to invent one of these that is powered by a sizable motor, to vigorously suck the snot out of the child's nose rather relying on hand pumping--kind of like a mini-Shop Vac. I doubt this will make an unpleasant experience any better for the baby, but I think parents will enjoy it because who doesn't love cranking up a big, noisy motor? That and the digital color display will make this product a big hit.

5) Napping on the couch while a team of Cambodian slave children clean my house from top to bottom, and then toilet-paper my neighbors' trees.

10 Least Favorite Aromas:

1) Decomposing human corpse. (Why is it that the elderly dead smell worse than the 12-and-under crowd?)

2) Urine, particularly my own, particularly in hour 5 after I've wet myself early in my workday.

3) The combination of sprinkle-on meat tenderizer and human cranial blood.

4) The smell of liver cooking. This food smells so vile while cooking that, just to be safe, I avoid cooking anything at all, just in case it's really liver in disguise.

5) Whiskey. Most liquor is a beautiful thing, but whiskey just plain reeks. Let's all agree there are better ways to wash away memories of sex with a spouse, shall we?

6) Vanilla or cinnamon air-fresheners in restrooms. Are you one of those people who uses a plug-in air fresheners in your bathroom that smells like food? Is it because you're perpetually high? Does the smell of doo-doo ever mix well with the smell of food? And it's not just vanilla and cinnamon anymore, either--the other day I saw one that was apple pie scented. Holy pie-scented shit, Batman.

7) The smell of fear so often prevalent when a yellow-bellied Maryland sissyboy comes face-to-face (or crotch to back) with a mechanical bull. Also, the smell of feces that comes shortly afterward.

8) Feet, unless prosthetic. Those smell kind of oaky and nice.

9) Public restrooms, which is why I now avoid them entirely by relieving myself just outside the bathroom door.

10) Wal-Mart.