Sunday, March 04, 2007

You could live without this information, but who would want to?

Honeykbee has a keen sense of what's fascinating and topical, and what's not. Maybe that's because her profile shows that she's 250 years old, and in that time, people manage to learn a few things about life. She asked me to list the top ten things I'd rather be doing right now and/or my top ten least favorite aromas. For this reason, I must assume she's very, very, very bored. But I'm nothing if not accommodating, so here goes:

I was only able to come up with) 5 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now:

1) Taking a meat tenderizer to the skull of the unidentified whore who last used the bathroom at my workplace, and peed on the toilet seat. (And just to be clear, I'm talking about a meat tenderizer mallet, not the stuff you sprinkle on. Although, now that I think about it, I might be interested in using the two together, for some added humiliation.)

2) Bringing back the word "cooze."What ever happened to this gem? Go ahead, call me old fashioned, but I long for the good old days.

3) Discovering a way to abet without first having to get mired in the cumbersome task of aiding.

4) Inventing a vastly improved bulb syringe. These ancient relics have been around since babies were first invented, and are still the only known way to clean out an infant's snotty nose until said infant gets old enough to understand how to blow his own nose. Basically, the thing resembles a turkey baster--you squeeze the bulb, then insert the pointy tip into the flailing child's nose and release the bulb so that it sucks out the snot amidst the high-pitched screams of what sounds like a badger on fire. No changes have been made to this product since its creation. The lack of advancement in this important area of medical science is unforgivable. I would like to invent one of these that is powered by a sizable motor, to vigorously suck the snot out of the child's nose rather relying on hand pumping--kind of like a mini-Shop Vac. I doubt this will make an unpleasant experience any better for the baby, but I think parents will enjoy it because who doesn't love cranking up a big, noisy motor? That and the digital color display will make this product a big hit.

5) Napping on the couch while a team of Cambodian slave children clean my house from top to bottom, and then toilet-paper my neighbors' trees.

10 Least Favorite Aromas:

1) Decomposing human corpse. (Why is it that the elderly dead smell worse than the 12-and-under crowd?)

2) Urine, particularly my own, particularly in hour 5 after I've wet myself early in my workday.

3) The combination of sprinkle-on meat tenderizer and human cranial blood.

4) The smell of liver cooking. This food smells so vile while cooking that, just to be safe, I avoid cooking anything at all, just in case it's really liver in disguise.

5) Whiskey. Most liquor is a beautiful thing, but whiskey just plain reeks. Let's all agree there are better ways to wash away memories of sex with a spouse, shall we?

6) Vanilla or cinnamon air-fresheners in restrooms. Are you one of those people who uses a plug-in air fresheners in your bathroom that smells like food? Is it because you're perpetually high? Does the smell of doo-doo ever mix well with the smell of food? And it's not just vanilla and cinnamon anymore, either--the other day I saw one that was apple pie scented. Holy pie-scented shit, Batman.

7) The smell of fear so often prevalent when a yellow-bellied Maryland sissyboy comes face-to-face (or crotch to back) with a mechanical bull. Also, the smell of feces that comes shortly afterward.

8) Feet, unless prosthetic. Those smell kind of oaky and nice.

9) Public restrooms, which is why I now avoid them entirely by relieving myself just outside the bathroom door.

10) Wal-Mart.

28 comments:

Mo said...

Love this post.
Thought I would come out of my lurker bubble to say (or shout, whatever):
"I HATE WAL MART"
The thing besides the smell (which I agree, is wretched) is the sound of too many fluorescent overhead fixtures combined with baby screams and the mothers screaming back.

Mighty said...

A bulb syringe, eh?? Hmmm. If I widened the tip and squirted some lube down in there... Sorry, just thinking out loud.

karla said...

Might Dyckerson: In your case, I'm pretty sure it's not necessary to widen the tip.

Gucci Muse said...

At Walmart, it does not matter where you or anyone else relieves themselves...they should just open up the sewer, trench it for easy access and let everyone have at it..........blech.

Effortlessly Average said...

Oooo, Zing, Karla!

sigh... I think I was premature in my decision to start blogging again. Here I was all excited, thinking of all the wit and irreverence I was going to imbue, then I read yours again and now I'm thinking... what's the point? hehe. Maybe I should take up needlepoint instead. Or perhaps the building of gingerbread houses.

And why is my word verification for this entry "joerweh?" Is that Yahweh's lesser known cousin?

Crunchy BC said...

Funny thing is, you can typically find smells #1 through #9 at #10.

delmer said...

I'm assuming for a woman to pee on the toilet seat she has to be hovering. Right? And if she's going to hover why wouldn't she just put the seat up.

Maybe women haven't considered this. You should call a meeting and knock the idea around.

honeykbee said...

All hail Queen Karla! Not only was this hysterical, but word one made me blush so feverishly that I have yet to recover. Perhaps a nice needlepoint class with Effortlessly Average is in order.

I'd write more but I have to go rip my Glade Vanilla Sundae air sanitizer off of the bathroom wall now.
Right. Now.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Me thoughts you transposed letters on #8. If the prosthetic were made of titanium, then "oaky" should've been "okay," okay?

Antonio said...

I definitely agree that there are better ways to wash away memories of sex with a spouse, especially when it's with someone else's spouse. But then again, why would I want to forget the wonderful night he and I shared together?

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, here is what you requested in #4.
http://www.babyvac.ca
That's right. Attaches to your MFing vacuum-cleaner. I'm ordering one RIGHT NOW. I'm sure Msr Dickerson is also.
If this is too frightening, remember that the baby superstore thinks it's hysterical to only sell sub-par nasal syringes like the light blue one you have shown. Drive to a hospital and ask to buy one there, the dark blue ones that work.
Catnip

Charles Gramlich said...

I don't have any unfavorite aromas. I can't smell.

CommonWombat said...

Boy you just can't let go of that day with me and the bull can you? I know you'd claim it's lodged in your brain because it was so traumatizing, but we both know the real reason is that you've never been so turned on in your life.

Not by me, obviously, but by the bull and the manly, confident way in which it raped my ass.

Okay, I'll admit it - I was turned on by that too.

miss kendra said...

my work has a pina colada air freshener.

boozey poo. yum.

Needtsza said...

I think you tried to bring the word Cooze back last year too. You're nothing if not persistant =)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Ah, you're very funny, Ms. Babble.

fatwonkkid said...

if you could track down the lady who pees on the toilet seat you can torment her. while she is doing her business, get in the next stall and squirt water close to her feet. or you can do one better by doing the real thing. but it is much hard for women to aim their pee shooter.

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

I replied because of what you entered on gramlich's blog, but you do have a wicked sense of humor. It is humor, right? Are you sure you s're not one of us writer types?

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

the writer types who DON'T make typos, that is...

Lux Lisbon said...

Before the invention of the nose sucker Eskimos use to suck the snot from their kids noses with their mouths.

I bet that thing is looking all shiny and new now huh?

CommonWombat said...

I think it's admirable that you're trying to bring back the word "cooze" by being such a complete cooze. That's dedication.

anonymouscoworker said...

"2) Bringing back the word "cooze."What ever happened to this gem? Go ahead, call me old fashioned, but I long for the good old days."

"Cooze" is alive and well in the pages of Hustler.

tfg said...

I think the reason why your air fresheners are faulty is because you're plugging them into the wrong "receptacle."

Anonymous said...

Just in case your well is still arid, I suggest you try to re-write this article posted on MSNBC titled "10 tips; what to do when a cop pulls you over"
Here's your reference material, like you need it.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17470955/

Chebbles' Mama said...

Thank you for bringing back the picture of Wombat on the Bull. There is no vanilla-cake-scented Yankee Candle that can mask the odor that emanates from that photo.

Frances said...

As always you brightened my day.
Waving at you from New York,
Frances

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Forgot to tell you: "cooze" is out, "cootie" is in (so to speak). So live with it.

It's Me, Maven... said...

OOh, how about THIS to assist nosemining infants?