I tried to be good this year. I did! Not so much because I felt that Santa was watching, but because I knew Child Protective Services was. And I think I did pretty well. On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being reallyreallyreally bad, and 10 being reallyreallyreally good, I'd say I was a solid 7.5. Better than average. Pretty darn good. For me, at least.

Which is why I was baffled by a couple of the gifts Santa sent my way. First, there was the package of Fundies. I went to a Christmas party with friends last night. Good food, great company, copious quantities of booze, and even a gift exchange to top things off. It was the kind where each person brings a gift, and you draw numbers to see who will pick a gift first. Each person has an opportunity to steal a previously-opened gift or pick a new one. I was number 3, and since the first gift was a blowup doll, and the second gift was a plastic hand with the middle finger extended, that lit up and said "Fuck you!" when you pushed the button, I opted to pick a new gift. After all, I'm perfectly capable of using my own middle finger to communicate, and I have plenty of blowup dolls already. Little did I know what lay behind Door #3 was a package of Fundies. Pictured above, you can see for yourself how useful these babies can be. Perfect for Siamese twins joined at the forehead. Or for people who will do anything to cut their laundry load in half.

Then there were the magnets from Kendra. These were actually quite awesome. Kendra is cool for a whole host of reasons, but chief among them is the fact that she sends me stuff at Christmas time. Last year I got a very cool homemade tree ornament, which, fortunately, looks pretty nifty even without a tree to hang on. I'm trying to set the record for Most Consecutive Christmases Without Putting Up a Tree, but Kendra's ornament looks just as fabulous hanging from one of the the three little gold hooks on my mantle.

Kendra made this year's set of magnets herself. The girl is crafty! I am always baffled by how some people seem to innately know how to build entire cities out of wooden spoons and empty pudding boxes, while I can barely get myself dressed in the morning without breaking a limb. Kendra is one of those people who seems to spring out of bed some mornings thinking, "Today I shall build a TV set out of shampoo bottles," and 30 minutes later, pow! She's watching "I Love Lucy" reruns on a TV set that would put your Sony to shame, and her hair smells terrific.

At left is a picture of my new magnets, displayed on my refrigerator. First there are the "gin" and "tonic" magnets, showing that Kendra is eerily aware of the sole contents of said refrigerator. Then the pretty ladybug pattern, the funky white-and-blue face magnet, and the swirly yellowy one. And then...something sinister about that last one. Where have I seen that awful face before? Why do I suddenly feel like evil lurks nearby, waiting to pounce on me? Is it? No! It can't be....

Yep, the bane of my existence. It's not bad enough that creep has my email address and sends me all manner of deranged messages and incoherent threats, but now I have to be reminded of him in the sanctity of my home? Kendra is at once generous and vicious. Or perhaps she is just too wholesome and naive to understand the true nature of this horrible ogre. Either way, I am forced to keep the offensive image up on my refrigerator because Kendra is so sweet, and she gave me this gift in kindness. On the bright side, there's the inevitable weight-loss benefit. I expect to lose about 98% of my body weight in 2007, with that unsettling image menacing me every time I approach the fridge looking for food.

Anyway, thanks, Kendra! You rock. Now I'm off to see if I can find a sailor on leave to entice into wearing my Fundies with me. Wish me luck!

Labels: Holiday hell