Sunday, December 10, 2006

Being good all year doesn't pay.

I tried to be good this year. I did! Not so much because I felt that Santa was watching, but because I knew Child Protective Services was. And I think I did pretty well. On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being reallyreallyreally bad, and 10 being reallyreallyreally good, I'd say I was a solid 7.5. Better than average. Pretty darn good. For me, at least.

Which is why I was baffled by a couple of the gifts Santa sent my way. First, there was the package of Fundies. I went to a Christmas party with friends last night. Good food, great company, copious quantities of booze, and even a gift exchange to top things off. It was the kind where each person brings a gift, and you draw numbers to see who will pick a gift first. Each person has an opportunity to steal a previously-opened gift or pick a new one. I was number 3, and since the first gift was a blowup doll, and the second gift was a plastic hand with the middle finger extended, that lit up and said "Fuck you!" when you pushed the button, I opted to pick a new gift. After all, I'm perfectly capable of using my own middle finger to communicate, and I have plenty of blowup dolls already. Little did I know what lay behind Door #3 was a package of Fundies. Pictured above, you can see for yourself how useful these babies can be. Perfect for Siamese twins joined at the forehead. Or for people who will do anything to cut their laundry load in half.

Then there were the magnets from Kendra. These were actually quite awesome. Kendra is cool for a whole host of reasons, but chief among them is the fact that she sends me stuff at Christmas time. Last year I got a very cool homemade tree ornament, which, fortunately, looks pretty nifty even without a tree to hang on. I'm trying to set the record for Most Consecutive Christmases Without Putting Up a Tree, but Kendra's ornament looks just as fabulous hanging from one of the the three little gold hooks on my mantle.

Kendra made this year's set of magnets herself. The girl is crafty! I am always baffled by how some people seem to innately know how to build entire cities out of wooden spoons and empty pudding boxes, while I can barely get myself dressed in the morning without breaking a limb. Kendra is one of those people who seems to spring out of bed some mornings thinking, "Today I shall build a TV set out of shampoo bottles," and 30 minutes later, pow! She's watching "I Love Lucy" reruns on a TV set that would put your Sony to shame, and her hair smells terrific.

At left is a picture of my new magnets, displayed on my refrigerator. First there are the "gin" and "tonic" magnets, showing that Kendra is eerily aware of the sole contents of said refrigerator. Then the pretty ladybug pattern, the funky white-and-blue face magnet, and the swirly yellowy one. And then...something sinister about that last one. Where have I seen that awful face before? Why do I suddenly feel like evil lurks nearby, waiting to pounce on me? Is it? No! It can't be....

Yep, the bane of my existence. It's not bad enough that creep has my email address and sends me all manner of deranged messages and incoherent threats, but now I have to be reminded of him in the sanctity of my home? Kendra is at once generous and vicious. Or perhaps she is just too wholesome and naive to understand the true nature of this horrible ogre. Either way, I am forced to keep the offensive image up on my refrigerator because Kendra is so sweet, and she gave me this gift in kindness. On the bright side, there's the inevitable weight-loss benefit. I expect to lose about 98% of my body weight in 2007, with that unsettling image menacing me every time I approach the fridge looking for food.

Anyway, thanks, Kendra! You rock. Now I'm off to see if I can find a sailor on leave to entice into wearing my Fundies with me. Wish me luck!

26 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Were they edible Fundies? Because that would be like two gifts in one!

Refrigerator magnets are a pretty cheapass gift if you ask me...which you didn't...but I am telling you anyway. I am sending you a box of paper clips. That should give you an orgasm or three.

Anonymous said...

You haven't lived until you've tried Thong Fundies.

CommonWombat said...

What you don't know is that I can see out of that last magnet. You need to clean your kitchen, lady. Also, Brian's been peeing in the sink. Just thought you should know.

Preying Mantis said...

Dang, I have to be an idiot and live in Kain-tucky, or else I might be able to audition to be a part in tham thar Fundies!

Anonymous said...

The Fundies don't seem very practical. How are you supposed to get a sheep into them?

Anonymous said...

Sorry Karla. You'll have to get your jollies further inland. Sailors see more than their fair share of crabs already.

miss kendra said...

mighty dykerson is on the NAUGHTY list, for sure.

yay! i love holiday goodness! and to clarify, that swirly yellow one was actually a print out of the martini olives from your blog page, but the glue sort of melted the ink some.

it's the thought that counts. atleast the wombat magnet survived. :)

Anonymous said...

Good luck with the fundies. They look uncomfortable and claustrophobic. Thanks for agreeing whith me that the gay song that Mighty Dyckerson likes is shitty.

andy said...

How about support-top fundies? Let the part-ay begin, bitches. You know it's Christmas when someone busts out shared underwear.

How did Don Henley get over here???

Anonymous said...

From lurking your blog for the last week, it appears (by the tone of the three described gifts) this was your family gathering. You also left out the description of what present you brought.
Maybe you could use the fundies as one of those child-carrier devices like a sling to carry the young-un on your hip? This way child protective services won't feel too disheartened.

Anonymous said...

Those fundies look awesome. I need to get me a pair of those.

karla said...

Let's keep the Don Henley references off Karlababble.com. I fully support gays and gay rights, but I'm wholeheartedly against gay music.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake
Empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm driving by your house
Though I know
You're not home

But I can see you
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back
and Sunglasses on, baby

(Chorus)
And I can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the
Boys of Summer
have gone

I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand
What happened to our love
But babe, Im gonna get you back
Im gonna show you what I'm made of

I can see you
your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow you're
Smilin' at everyone

And I can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the
Boys of Summer
have gone

Out on the road today
I saw a "Dead Head" sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said
"don't look back, you can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
what did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go
But...

I can see you
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got the top pulled down
and radio on baby

And I can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the
Boys of Summer
have gone

I can see you
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back
and those
wayfarers on baby

And I can tell you
my love for you will still be strong
after the
Boys of Summer
have gone

Anonymous said...

How odd. That last comment gave me the strange urge to shower in a maximum security men's prison.

andy said...

Carla, I've gotta say, I like where this has gone. Try as you will to keep Don Henley away, it seems as though his gayness is drawn to you. Might as well pony up. We all know you love him.

And Peter Noone. Just sayin.

karla said...

Great. Thanks to Mighty Dyckerhomo, this website has turned into the blog equivalent of a gay bath house.

ajooja said...

I'm a foot taller than my wife. I can't imagine us trying to get those fundies to work properly. :)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don't fret, you crazy babbler. It may be rainin'...but there's a rainbow above you.

Crunchy BC said...

Fundies - the gift that keeps on giving...chlamydia.

CommonWombat said...

Ajooja: Just line up the genitalia. Who cares where the heads and feet wind up?

Nocturnal said...

Something tells me Santa would be proud and deliver the goods accordingly.

Cheers

Anonymous said...

Ajooja: Just line up the genitalia. Who cares where the heads and feet wind up?

Didn't Jeffrey Dahmer practice the same philosophy?

Sex & Moxie said...

I've been looking for new merchandise ideas to sell. I think Fundies is it. That reminds me of the stuff I used to see in Spencer's gifts at the mall.

Uisce said...

Holy shit, what have I stumbled into? I love Don Henley, by the way... in a very manly way, though.

Anonymous said...

Those fundies must be keeping you busy. You haven't posted in a while.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble took a job as a roadie with Don Henley's tour crew.