Wednesday, December 27, 2006

You won't have Karla to kick around anymore.

It was very kind of several of you to inquire as to my well-being after the death-by-cookies post. You were worried that the delay in follow-up posting meant I did indeed die in my kitchen as all women should, and I appreciate your concern. To the dozen or so of you who actually called 911 and had ambulances sent over, however, I'm a little irritated at you. That was a bit over the top.

The truth is, I didn't end up baking after all. I still have all the ingredients sitting in my kitchen, openly mocking me, but so far I've skillfully avoided doing anything with them. I meant to, I really did! But we spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day with Brian's family, and on the day after Christmas, Brian had surgery. (Sex change? Vasectomy? Partial colostomy? You decide.) I used Brian's surgery as my weak excuse to say I didn't have time to bake, what with all the caretaking I had to do for him afterwards. (In reality, "caretaking" ended up meaning "not asking him to do household chores for a whole day," but still, it was the best excuse I had available to me at the time.) Tonight I had a Pilates class to teach, and then bright and early tomorrow we leave for Corpus Christi, where we'll be spending a few days with more of Brian's family. (I knew I should have followed my instinct and married a guy with no family, but apparently most of those kind of men are on death row or in meth labs in the back woods of rural Missouri. Which doesn't make them undesirable, just harder to meet.) Actually, the trip to Corpus was my reason for wanting to bake cookies in the first place--I wanted to take them for the family to enjoy. Later, it occurred to me that there's very little about vomiting that's enjoyable, so I realized the family would appreciate me more if I just stayed out of the kitchen.

At any rate, you won't hear from me for a couple of days while I'm out of town, so you'll have to content yourself with internet pornography and shoplifting like you did before we met. Here's the part where I should say something like, "Here are some links to a few great bloggers you can read while I'm gone--I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!" I started to do something like that, but then I realized no other bloggers are as interesting as me, and I didn't want to offer you less than the best. I'm that committed to bringing you the best quality entertainment possible.

Okay, I'm kidding. Here, read these, if you're that desperate to avoid talking to your spouse:

Watching someone spiral into madness and depravity is always interesting, in spite of its sadness.

Some chicks are smart and funny and will mail you presents at Christmas, if you suck up to them all year.

Why do you have to read mean stuff all the time? How about trying someone who's just plain lovable?

I didn't make this guy's list of "blog crushes." But mark my words, I'll weasel my way onto that list in 2007, if I have to start posting nude pictures of myself.

That should keep you occupied. See you when I get back.

16 comments:

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Awww, you crazy babbler! Thanks for the kind words. I knew you loved me best.

I hope Mr. Babble is doing well. Getting a piece of gingerbread house lodged in your colon has gotta hurt like a mofo.

Anonymous said...

Ahh...the old have some surgery to get out of having sexual relations with your significant other trick works every time.

Jessica said...

Poor Karla - her world is so small and so cruel that she finds ME lovable. If only she knew...

P.S. - Can we get a picture of Brian's scar?

Anonymous said...

It's obvious that he opted for a penis enlargement. After all, it's like a XMAS gift for you both. Well, more for Karla, I suppose. Porn veterans are notoriously difficult to impress.

Poor guy.

Will this be the start of a new tradition of choosing elective surgery over Karla's baked goods?

Anonymous said...

Have a nice time. i'll just stick to the porn while you're gone, if you don't mind.

Anonymous said...

So how were the cookies?

I'm sorry, I missed everything before "I have to start posting nude pictures of myself."

Anonymous said...

Hope your husband is feeling better.
I moved my blog to http://blogjem.com where you are a very much appreciated member of the blogroll.
Look forward to your return.
Happy New Year

~TVS said...

Have a merry new year!

CommonWombat said...

I hope Brian's doing okay after his surgery. He is, after all, the only member of your family I care about. Well, him and Jake.

Oh, and the Dog. Can't forget her.

Anonymous said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Anonymous said...

Hope all went well with hub's surgery. Wishing you both a Happy New Year.

Karl said...

Wow, clearly I've made a big impression on you, and yet I don't see any nude photos of you. Hmmmm. Maybe they're in my Inbox.

Anonymous said...

Dyckerson is nuts. Like you. Only at least Dyckerson has some...

karla said...

Dyckerson: It DOES hurt--whether it goes in through the front or the back entrance.

Jessica: Brian's scar covers 95% of his body (or it will when I'm through with it), so I doubt his sense of modesty will allow a photo.

Puerileuwaite: Jesus Christ, get an easier name to spell and pronounce. I don't remember what my response was going to be after the 5 minutes it took me to type your name.

Wombat: I told Brian about your comment, and he says he can't quite remember meeting you.

Hoss: There's no proof (as far as any living person knows) that Dyckerson has nuts. He may indeed have a stash of them, but I'm betting they were severed from his victims.

The Jamoker said...

you ARE on my list of blog crushes. but, then again, I'm not very choosy.

karla said...

Jamoker: "Not very choosy" is just my type.