Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Airing Of Grievances

Christmas is nearly upon us, and as part of my ongoing effort to be different to the point of being totally irritating, I'm eschewing it this year. (The previous sentence is part of my ongoing effort to find ways to crowbar the word "eschew" into conversation.)

Therefore, I'll be observing Festivus this year instead of Christmas. Those of you who have watched Seinfeld will understand immediately what I'm talking about...and those of you who have never watched Seinfeld are hereby banned from reading this blog. I don't like people like you.

In a nutshell, Festivus is the alternative holiday celebrated by George Costanza's father, who was fed up with the commercialism of Christmas. A central component is the annual Airing of Grievances, in which participants take turns letting the others know how they've disappointed them throughout the year. In the spirit of the season, therefore, I'd like to take a few moments to let some of you know how you've disappointed me.

Hoss of OldHorsetail Snake: I'm pretty sure you stole ten bucks out of my wallet when you were groping me at the Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport. At first I was disappointed that you were being so grabby with me. Now I'm disappointed that you were more interested in my money than my ass.

Kendra: I have a feeling you're really good at baking cookies, and yet to this day I've never had a box of 7 dozen fresh-baked cookies of various flavors and fun shapes FedExed to my doorstep with your return address on the label. Shame on you.

Common Wombat: The internet isn't big enough to hold the list of the many times you've disappointed me. I'll settle now for simply complaining that you're probably the one responsible for all the searches I've been getting for bull rape.

Brandon: While I'll keep just between us the details of my rather personal disappointment with you, let me just take a moment to say that life with herpes isn't as glamorous as the water-skiing, hang-gliding people on the Valtrex commercials make it out to be.

TFG: Since when did your blog turn into the Diary of My Crotch? No, not my crotch--that would actually be interesting. But your crotch? That dusty relic has cobwebs that have cobwebs. Who was president the last time someone other than you laid eyes on that antique? A writer should strive to find subjects that his readers can identify with. To that end, why not write about something more people have heard of?

Colin: You first disappointed me by misspelling the name of your blog. When I pointed it out to you, you modified the title slightly to acknowledge the misspelling. Since then, you've disappointed me by failing to ship cases of British booze to my home every year on the Queen Mum's birthday. You are a disgrace to your country and my liver.

Psquared: I'm pretty sure you're the reason I continue to see the phrase masturbation with a banana on my Statcounter searches. Can you deny that you bought bananas in the last year? I didn't think so. Ladies and gentlemen, do not trust this man around the fruit salad.

This by no means concludes my list of grievances. When it comes to Grievance Airing, I could air and air all day long and not manage to get them all out. One holiday per year is not nearly enough for me to accomplish all the grievance airing I have cut out for me. I may have to consider amending Festivus to allow for a monthly Airing of Grievances, or perhaps a bi-hourly one. Did I fail to mention your name today? Trust me, you're on the list somewhere. It's just that I can't sit in front of this computer all day and night. But your time will come.

27 comments:

Mr. Fabulous said...

Not me. My heart is pure, and my cause is just!

Antonio said...

When is the Feats of Strength? Cause if you've got a problem with me, you sure as hell better be able to back it up woman.

Anonymous said...

One day, you will all revel in the glory of My Crotch.

Anonymous said...

It's true. And that is not yogurt in the parfait.

ducklet said...

karla, karla, karla, those people in the valtrex ads don't have herpes! duh! how on earth could they if they're spending all their time hangliding, water skiing, etc.?

i'll call you when the itching eases up.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Poor crazy babbler. I'm going to FedEx you a fruitcake immediately. (Word of warning: He likes to jump on couches, and he might try to convert you to scientology.)

And I can outdo you in the Statcounter category. I shit you not - someone recently found my blog by searching for "an uncle gets his niece drunk and has sex with her." OK, that someone was me...but it's still very disturbing that someone like myself would read my blog.

Serenity now!

It's Me, Maven... said...

I'll bring the unadorned metal pole... I'm in for Festivus!

AnonymousCoworker said...

I really dodged a bullet this year. I thought for SURE that mailing you old doughnuts covered in hanta virus would have irritated you.

CommonWombat said...

Hmmmm... As I recall, SOMEONE goaded me into raping that bull. You need to think about who you're REALLY mad at there.

karla said...

Common Wombat: Good point. I'm mad at God--or satan, whichever is responsible for creating you.

miss kendra said...

you're right, i am an excellent baker. but mostly i like to make vegan cookies, which you probably wouldn't like.

that said, i'm pretty sure i did send you a nice little ornament last year, and i'll be shipping out this year's giftie tomorrow, so quit yer bitchin.

and send me some cookies!

karla said...

Kendra: It was precisely your skill with ornament-making that led me to suspect you would be good at cookie-baking. But now that you mention the fact that you are a Vulcan cook, never mind the cookies. I was never a Star Trek fan anyway.

Anonymous said...

When is the traditional meal of spaghetti being served? Because I need to be sure to be there!

free cone said...

Thank you so much for upholding the grand tradition of Festivus for future generations. You have been named honorary “Festivus Princess” by the Greater Area Gainesville Metropolitan Emissaries Festivus Association of Gainesville. A donation in your name has been made to the Human Fund.

andy said...

Right on C-dogg. That tinsel is too damned distracting. Off to my double shift at the H and H. Peace out.

karla said...

Free Cone:

G.A.G.M.E.F.A.G. is honoring me? Now I know I've hit the big time.

Anonymous said...

How do you plan on displaying a feat of strength?

karla said...

Dr. Flounder:

Mental strength, baby. And you're going down.

Praying Mantis said...

Isn't there the ROD OF JUSTICE or something to that effect with FESTIVUS? If so, Karla, can you spank me, please???? I've been bad. REAL bad.....

ajooja said...

My wife says we can't celebrate Festivus because of the "feats of strength."

Edge said...

Good gosh I love Festivus. I'm going to get my aluminum pole later this week.

~Jef

Preying mantis said...

Karlababble, please, oh please, beat me with the pole!

Anonymous said...

Saying that you have greater mental strength than I is like saying that you are the nicest girl in a woman's prison.

Praying Mantis said...

And Dr. Flounder, who DOESN'T like those women-prison-movies????

It's Me, Maven... said...

Getting back to my unadorned pole... will knowing that it's rigged with a tazer ingratiate me into any of your Festivus frivolities?

Nocturnal said...

Ok, that's that. I *despise* Seinfeld so I'm banned.

fat_toad said...

Kramer for President ;)