Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I've let you walk all over me for too long.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

When I told you recently about my doctor's incredibly long waiting room routine, you were understandably outraged, not so much at the indifference this doctor shows toward his patients, but that someone of my celebrity status and royal upbringing should be made to wait like the commoners. Thank you for your sympathy.

But now, the plot stupens.

(Yes, it is too a word. Just because I made it up a few seconds ago doesn't make it any less a word than the ones you'll find in Webster's Dictionary. Someone made those up, too.)

As I was saying: The plot stupens.

At the above-mentioned doctor's visit, I was informed that my doctor wanted me to get a lab test done--which simply had to be done at the lab across the street from his office. This meant I'd have to drive an hour from home yet again on another day to take this test. No, don't be silly--it couldn't be done at any of the 7 zillion labs near my home. Only the absolute furthest laboratory from my domicile would do. So I took off work a few days later to drive an hour to Dallas for this test...only to be sent home untested. During my short, fruitless trip to the lab, the sole thing I accomplished was to fill out a form which asked me exactly three things:

Are you pregnant? No.

What was the date of your last period? October 20th.

What type of birth control are you using? None.

When she discovered we're not using any birth control, she told me I couldn't take the test. As it turns out, there has to be absolute certainty that I'm not pregnant before this test can be allowed. The lab tech informed me that I could return the following week IF my period arrived by then, OR if I provided documented proof of a negative pregnancy test from my primary physician (a blood test, not a home pregnancy test). Which leads me to only one question:

Why, in the FOUR phone calls this lab placed to me to schedule and confirm this lab test appointment, did they not mention that I had to provide irrefutable proof that I wasn't pregnant?

But that's not even the main complaint I'm lodging here in this post.

What I really came here to complain about is my doctor's voicemail message.

See, the lab tech then rescheduled me for a tentative appointment (for tomorrow) for the lab test to be taken. The idea was that if my period arrived between then and tomorrow, all systems would be go, and I would have the honor of driving an hour to Dallas for a third time. If my period did not arrive, I was to call and cancel the lab test appointment.

So here it is, nearly tomorrow, and my virginal undies are still white as the driven snow. So I called and cancelled the lab appointment, and then attempted to call the doctor's office and cancel Thursday's appointment with him as well, since, as you recall, the whole point of that visit would be to discuss the results of the test that I am not allowed to take.

When I called my doctor at 1:30 this afternoon, here's what the exceedingly cheerful, pre-recorded voicemail greeting had to say:

Hi! You've reached the doctor's office. This office accepts phone calls on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday between 8:30 am and 1 pm, and on Thursday from 8:30 am to 10:30 am. If this is an emergency, please call 911. Click.

Which leads me to only one question:

What the FUCK?!?

The office only takes phone calls at certain times on certain days?? And for only a TWO HOUR span on one of those days??

So let's review: A typical waiting room stay (as acknowledged by the staff in their informational packet) is 4-5 hours, and I can only call the office during a select few hours of the day. And I can only take tests at one lab in the whole world.

Which got me thinking: Maybe I've been too accommodating in my own life. I really should set some ground rules for how people can interact with me. And these rules should be strict, demeaning, pointless and aggravating ones, at that. So here goes:

1) I'll only be accepting comments between the hours of 1 AM and 1:15 AM on Mondays, from 3 PM to 3:01 PM on Tuesdays, and just before twilight on Wednesday through Saturday. Sundays will be off-limits to comments, unless you're a recently defrocked member of the clergy.
2) Comments will only be accepted if they contain the words juggernaut, bootylicous, ramification or stupen.
3) If you leave an anonymous comment, your legal name has to actually be "Anonymous."
4) You must be wearing 6-inch heels or a baby's bonnet at the time of commenting.

These rules will be strictly enforced. I'm still mulling over the part about how to punish violators of these rules, but rest assured, there will be punishment, and it will probably involve crude farm tools and/or being forced to eat my cooking. For far too long now I've meekly allowed you to comment whenever and however you wanted, but no more. This is the dawn of a new, more vindictive era.

Click.

44 comments:

Anonymous said...

Since you didn't specify time zone, tt is 3:05pm, EST, so I hope that it is safe to comment. And I look so bootylicous in this baby bonnet. You should see me.

BTW - I could be wrong, but I think that it is time for a new doctor.

miss kendra said...

i have been stupened by a doctor today, myself.

and these heels are not very comfortable.

ducklet said...

you are so hot when you're upset. but speaking as an former ex-volunteer firefighter/emergency medical technician, i should let you know that the 'system' will only help you if you KNOW what your illness is, especially if it's something like herpes.

i can help you with that, btw.

AnonymousCoworker said...

I must admit that I'm stupened as to why a bootyliscious blogger such as yourself would put up with the irritating ramifications of dealing with this douchebag of a doctor.

And, er, um: juggernaut.

Old Newt Says said...

I've been waiting and waiting and lurking and lurking until I just now got stupened enough to have nerve to post a comment on your bootylicious blog. I realize the ramifications will be earth-shattering, but since I've found my nerve there's no stopping this old juggernaut. I just hope there are no serious repercussions for not making the time frame window...Here's my comment: I think stupen is a mighty fine word and you deserve a commendation for inventing it!

Anonymous said...

Indeed, the plot has stupened (I want any royalties on any usage of my past-tense iteration, BTW). Now the same lab (which is not only an hour of local [Dallas] driving, but also a 2-hour flight + drivetime to MY airport ... ONE-WAY!) wants proof that I did not impregnate you or have any other form of sexual contact, before they will let me use their restroom.

Oops, I almost forgot ... before they will let me use their BOOTYLICIOUS restroom.

- Ex-Father Pug in Heels (6", to match my Rammification Rod)

(p.s. - please consider implementing a sidebar graphic so that we all can track your monthly cycles; I'm bored with the usual lunar phase crap, anyway (Wouldn't it be spooky if both you and the moon were on the same schedule? That would explain the howling!) )

Mr. Fabulous said...

Say the word and I will dispatch the black helicopters and we'll kick some ass and avenge you!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Irrefutable proof you're not pregnant?? I'd say the cobwebs in your hoo-hah should be a pretty good indication.

tfg said...

You should come to Maryland. Syphilis treatment is not nearly as complicated here.

Shmausen said...

That's fucking ridiculous. Why can't they let you pee on a stick if they want IRREFUTABLE proof that you're not locked and loaded to squirt out a watermelon in the near future?

CommonWombat said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
CommonWombat said...

Ignore that deleted post...

I refuse to play by your stupid rules. I'll comment when I want, and I'll use MY OWN made-up words, thank you very much. Don't take it all personal-like. That's just how I roll.

And I'm surprised that the simple fact that you're batshit crazy wasn't enough proof you're not pregnant. I'm still convinced that the only way you had Jake was to tie brian up and force-feed him 27 bottles of tequila. When I was over there I swear every time you turned your back he mouthed "help me."

Of course, I suck at reading lips. It may have been "fuck me."

Or "kill me..."

mom and dad said...

1) Dear God, please, don't let her breed again.
2) Karla, remember that a noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
3) Embiggens is a perfectly cromulent word.

Anonymous said...

you need a new doctor. he is a juggernaut. He will be dealt with swiftly. The reamifications for dealing with you in this rude manner will be great and oh so not pretty.

These heels and killing me and the bonnet is making my hair flat. The things I do to comment on this bootylicious blog. Geez.

Is stupen a noun or a verb? I don't know how to use it in a sentence! these heels must be cutting off my circulation.

Nocturnal said...

First of all, your the only Yank besides myself I've ever seen or heard use the word "commoner(s)". That's a European/Asian gig there.

(you should have added that word to your requirements because it's cool)

As for the no birth control thing, you could have just told the nurse you prefer anal.

Cheers

[yes this comment is targeted for deletion]

Spaceman Spiff said...

When you go to the lab, are you gonna have to pee in a jugg-er-naut. Maybe it'll be a cup.

Does that count?

Anonymous said...

When Aunt Flo comes to visit, make the appointment, and go in with a soiled tampon slung over your shoulder, that might make em think....something.

Anonymous said...

I'm good. I wear nothing but spiked heels w/ a baby's bonnet and I am a HUGE Juggernaut fan!!!

Preying Mantis said...

Karla,

I am sorry to have read this, but I kind of saw this kind of thing coming from such a clod of a physician. Seeing how you are willing to travel, you might want to research this group of hand physicians: http://www.kkahand.com/

Yes, they are in Louisville, Kentucky, but, they work WONDERS! Think about it.

Signed,

Preying Mantis

Anonymous said...

I knew someone named Dawn. She was hit by a bus.

As far as the whole doctor thing, I would say switch doctors. I know it's a pain in the arse, but probably not any more than driving back and forth to Dr. Numbnuts' office and dealing with his answering machine.

I like the word "stupend"...what's it a hybrid of?

I can't wear a baby bonnet because it chafes.

However, my name is legally anonymous, but my fiancee can't spell it so I changed it to Sudiegirl.

Hang in there, and have a big ol' drink.

Jen said...

Thank God it is just before twilight on Wednesday so I can say my piece. This doctor's office is ridiculous. I suggest that you settle for substandard care with more reasonable terms and the ramifications will not be too bad. I must get these heels off; I can hardly walk in them.

Trouble said...

Your stupend rules bite wombat farts...

karla said...

Jodi and Sudiegirl: Stupen means to increase in stupidity. So when the plot stupens (rather than thickens), the plot gets stupider (rather than thickening). Stupening is also a thing that happens to your brain when you read Wombat's or Dyckerson's blog.

Preying Mantis: Man, that's a long drive. I'll just cut my hands off instead, and learn to eat with my feet.

Crazy MomCat said...

I'm braving things and posting a comment out of the specified times, just to see the RAMIFICATIONS what happens. I'm a JUGGERNAUT like that.

Or maybe, I'm completely STUPENED by your doctor's ridiculous phone rules. That dude better be pretty BOOTYLICIOUS to have waiting room times like that and all of those silly rules. He better be McDreamy and McSteamy and all things "eamy."

I'm just saying...

Deranged Doctor said...

... I added "stupen" to the Urban Dictionary.
Now you're legit.

http://add.urbandictionary.com/verify.php?code=ff88c972c6&function=submit

Preying Mantis said...

Hey Karla,

I know, Louisville, Kentucky *is* a long drive, but, these guys are excellent. Have your primary care physicians told you that it could be arthritis? Repetitive-stress-syndrome? I do wish you all good health.

I am,

THE PREYING MANTIS

karla said...

Preying Mantis:

Listen, I believe maintaining good health is very, very important...unless it involves driving to Kentucky. I would drive to Kentucky to pick up a free 2007 Corvette, get a boob job from Dr. Christian Troy, visit my sister (if she somehow made it there from her home in Alaska), or be kissed on the cheek by Andrian Grenier, but I would not drive there to see a doctor.

As for what my affliction is, the doctor hasn't told me yet, but I'm assuming it's an advanced case of syphillis.

preying Mantis said...

Ahhhh, Karla, some of us Kentuckians wear shoes, have all of our teeth, and are even edu-ma-cated!

Now, read this!

http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061130/NEWS01/61130032

See? We learn real well-like from tham thar books!

I am,

THE PREYING MANTIS!

karla said...

Preying Mantis:

I'm not worried about the teeth and shoes. I'm worried about the long drive. I haven't driven that far since my moonshine-running days.

preying mantis said...

But, Karla,

We ain't never seen a perty gurl like yous before! I mean, my wife and sister (same person) kinda looks like my mom....

We need a good looking wo-man like yer-self.

Preying Mantis

Anonymous said...

WTF!!?? Is this some sort of rocket-scientist doctor?? I hope you walk out of there with the new ability to attract paper money to your person or something for waiting that long!

thebillofbrothers said...

That sounds like something a doctor would do.

You're on his time. Forget your problems. Get in line.

Real nice uh? They suck.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

My ears are burning. Did a flat chested Texan with syphilis mention my name about 10 comments up?

karla said...

Dyckerson:

34C, I'll have you know. That's an asset, especially for a girl who has syphillis.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mmmm....Dyckie likes!! Let's see some HNT pics!!

~TVS said...

It's just before twilight somewhere...

stupen

all words are made-up words

The Bard of the Wood said...

I'm not sure what day it is, because I've been out defrocking bootylicious members of the clergy with a juggernaut of a 6-inch heel I stole off the foot of a woman who bent over to pick up her baby's bonnet that I smacked off his head, thereby stupening him for life. Currently, I am awaiting the ramifications of my activities in a small room with a limited view.
I forgot what I was going to say.

andy said...

Syphillis, Kentucky, Flat-Chested, Inbreeding....how did we get here I ask you. How did we get here?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

p.s. chlamyidia is funnier. TRUST me.

TexasGal said...

Yep...the doctor's got to go. He's probably messing around with the bootylicous nurses, that's why they can't answer the phone. I couldn't think of a sentence with Juggernaut...I admit I had to go look up the definition: Jug•ger•naut

Pronunciation: ( jug'ur-nôt", -not"), [key]
—n.
1. (often l.c.) any large, overpowering, destructive force or object, as war, a giant battleship, or a powerful football team.
2. (often l.c.) anything requiring blind devotion or cruel sacrifice.
3. Also called Jagannath. an idol of Krishna, at Puri in Orissa, India, annually drawn on an enormous cart under whose wheels devotees are said to have thrown themselves to be crushed. So in that light to all your loyal readers perhaps you are a Juggernaut (#2). Now you need to go let that doctor's office know what kind the sh*tty job they are doing running their office. They must be totally stupens. (click)

Antonio said...

Damn what a bunch of bootylicious toolbags. I'd just as soon shove these six-inch heels (which by the way totally match my purse) up that doctor's ass. Actually that'd be kinda hot. MMMMmmmm....

Ahem. Anyway, unless that doctor is hiding some kind of super-secret miracle drug, it's time to move on.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Alternatively, you could have just fabricated your response when they asked what kind of birth control you were taking. I do believe a baseball bat (commonly placed under the bed for easy access) is sufficient and irrefutably capable of warding off the potential dangers of pregnancy... when applicable.

At least that's what my cousins, Juggernaut, Bootylicous, Ramification and Stupen have claimed.

(That last bit was beyond lame, but hey... what do I care?)

Anonymous said...

The insurance industry is the downfall of the healthcare industry.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I think it's time to find a new doctor's office.
Trinity West Urgent Care in Lewisville is a good place to go.
Usually.

The Jamoker said...

Hello, My Name is Jamoker.
I'm a recently defrocked member of the clergy. I got caught with a farm animal. I was told this was the location for the support group. Is that correct?

Please send me an email to let me know at donkeyshow@tijuana.com